Jaejoong continued to stare at me again like a marble statue, locking me in place. There was an electrifying tension building up in the atmosphere of the small store, making me feel sudden suffocation coming from Jaejoong’s superior presence. Siwon might have felt it too for he had stopped laughing and stiffened to follow my gaze. In a quarter of a second Jaejoong switched back his eyes to Siwon.

            The people around the room tensed, feeling the blazing fire from Jaejoong’s remote masked eyes. His bronze eyes melted in an unfathomable way, in a far array he would still look serene, but nearer to his presence was a halo of fire that is clearly looking for one thing: fight.

            The seconds tick but it seemed long enough. I continued to hold my breath as I watched him crush the Styrofoam cup of hot coffee with his slender white hand. The hot coffee burst to his hand but he ignored it, he continued to pin Siwon with his stabbing eyes before he stalked gracefully out the store. Even angered, he walks like a runway model.

            I let out a ragged breath. The people around continued to what they were doing, but the clerk seemed shock and irritated at the same time. I felt Siwon held my hand, and realized it was trembling. My head was spinning as I see Siwon moved his mouth saying something but I couldn’t hear it, there was a buzzing in my ears as well. There was nothing calm in me; everything was like pulled out from me by force.

            “Hey So Eun!” Siwon called and shook me. “Hey!”

            “What?” I managed to choke.

            “Are you okay? You look pasty white. Should I bring you to a hospital?” He asked as he felt for my forehead. The color from my face drained with numbness.

            “No I’m fine,” I lied. My voice sounded calm and steady. I was lucky that sometimes I could hide the emotions from my face even now that fear has overcome me.

            “What’s wrong with Jaejoong?” He looked at the spilled coffee with a frown. “Do you want some fresh air?”

            I stood up right away without answering and exited the store as Siwon followed me.  We walked silently to the busy streets of Seoul, with no direction at all.

            “I didn’t mean to anger him So Eun,” He said as we walked.

            My fear was flushed down hastily from my shaken body and was replaced by anxiety over Jaejoong. I wanted to explain to him at the same time I wanted him to explain to me, why he made a big show out of something he didn’t even know yet to be angry at.

            “That’s fine,” I muttered glumly. “At least he didn’t come over us and lash out like a madman.” I don’t sound optimistic to myself.

            I wanted to call Jae but was a coward to do so. I might wait for hours to let his unreasonable jealousy to flush down his system. As the wind blew past my hair, I couldn’t push the doubt in Jae that after all the love I thought he had invested in me, told me and showed me, he didn’t trust me as much when I was only beginning to love him.

            “I was lucky enough he didn’t punch my gut or something.”

            “Jae’s not like that.” I was staring down at the street that I was walking. The road was relaxing and so did the invigorating wind that blows us. It didn’t seem right to still be with Siwon when he was the reason Jae became mad. Luckily he wasn’t pushy.

            “Not like that? Haven’t you been seeing Jaejoong while he grew up? He uses to stare at people like that before he threw a hardbound punch at them and wouldn’t let them get up. He was called to principal’s office ever so often. That’s the expressionless stare every boy feared— including me!” He held his hands up in surrender.

            I stopped and looked at him. “Really?”

            “Really,” He assured. “Guess luck was unbelievably with me that he controlled his fists.”

            I thought that it was one of the signs that he was battling against himself, controlling his anger and diverting it to the coffee cup instead. It made me feel a wave of pride to him but it vanished momentarily.

            “And as a matter of fact,” He said lightly. “He sure has changed completely. He’s now loyal.” He eyed me hilariously that it was hard not to laugh. “Jaejoong never became jealous over a girl. I think you should talk to him.”

            “I will,” For the first time after a few minutes, I smiled. I feel more relaxed now, my tensed fearful joints calmed.

            Siwon and I fell to a comfortable silence. I listened to the sound of the cars as they passed the street, seeing the ambitious buildings standing so high and successful above us.

            Suddenly, Siwon brushed my cheek with his warm hand. “You are really beautiful So Eun; it’s easy to understand why Jaejoong feels that way.”

            I was almost surprised not to feel butterflies on my stomach, but Siwon’s touch was warm, nothing more than a friendly way. “Thanks,” I muttered and flinch away consciously. I walked again briskly but he easily caught up with his long legs.

            He frowned and his eyes were vulnerable as glass. “I use to like you before.” He confessed as he stared ahead. I wanted to stop walking and face him, to see if he was telling the truth.

            “When?” I stammered despairingly.  

            “Ever since,” He admitted.

            “Why didn’t you tell me?”

            “Does it matter to you?” He peeked at me.

            “Yes, because I liked you to before.” I emphasized. It was easier to admit to him now that I don’t have anymore feelings.

            He stopped walking and stared at me for a while with no more hint of casualty. “That’s too bad, because you were the reason that I left Seoul.”

            “I was?” I stammered again, aghast. There were emotions that leaked back; fear, distrust, anger and confusion.

            “Yes,”

             The wind blew past us swiftly and so did the people around.

            “Why did you left Seoul? Why was it about me?” I demanded with tensed jaw. I was about to break now, first from Jaejoong and now from Siwon.

            “Because I wanted to forget you, I wanted to move forward and think about my future. I guess I don’t have the courage before to tell you, and surely now it was an utter waste.”

             Tears started to form in my eyes and I blinked them away fast. “All this time you haven’t told me and I use to think I was hopeless.” I snapped.

             “You weren’t hopeless, you let me hope! You were so expressionless that it was hard to know if you’ve ever been in love. But now when I see you with Jaejoong hand in hand to walk the campus, see you blush only to him but now to me as well. You’ve changed so much.”

              I was briefly dazed that he observed me as much better than Mina and Jess, but then I felt empty again. It was hard to analyze emotions that changes so fast from this whirl wind disastrous day.

               “No, Jaejoong was just the key to make me happy again. He let me feel again since my mother died, it sounds silly but he did. I started to think about him and not only myself.” I said sadly.

               He considered this for a while. “Stella was only a distraction. But when I came back here and saw you again, the old emotions were back.” He seemed to read my face because he added. “No— not like what you think. I remembered what it uses to feel before. But I grew to love Stella like I told you. I still hope we could be friends after this.” He smiled more assuring himself than me.

              “You should really call Kim Jaejoong.” He added maybe after seeing what was expressed in my face.

                                                                      ∞

              My father left to play golf game with his friends when I arrived inside our silent two-story house. I entered my room and pulled out my iPod from the drawer of my study table. I plugged in the earplugs and listened to a Korean rock band’s album while changing into a sleeveless and shorts. I pulled my hair into a messy bun and started painting from my easel. I was in the mood for dark oil paints and red black tints. How badly I wanted to devoid my mind from anything, from Siwon. From Jaejoong most especially.

              After seeing the bloody and conceptive painting I just finished, I went downstairs to cook dinner. I finished my homework, did the laundry, and cleaned the entire house before my father arrived. We ate dinner in silence but I felt my father’s inquisitive gaze.

              I gave up; there really wasn’t anything I could keep from my father. He knows me so well. I have to give him details carefully or I might burst out crying. I plugged off the iPod and removed the earplugs. “I had a good time with Siwon today.”

               “Really?” he said sarcastically because he didn’t look convinced.  

              “It’s a friendly date Dad.” I said solemnly.

              “It’s not that that I was concerned. You look like somebody died!” He pounded his fist against the oak table.

              “Nobody died Dad.”

              “You know what I mean.” He said gruffly.

              “Jaejoong saw me and he didn’t look happy.” I said at last, grinding my teeth to hold back the tears that threaten to come.

              My father read what must have been written in my face. “You should talk to him.”

              That did it, I burst red. “There is nothing to talk when he doesn’t know when to trust me!” I stalked off for my room but when I climbed up the stairs, I stumbled.

             “So Eun, are you alright?” My father asked.

             "I’m fine.” I climbed up uncaringly again, my knees scraped wounded.

             When I reached my room, I bounced for my bed and plugged the music back. I checked my phone, hoping in the least bit that Jae would call or text me and say he was sorry. But he didn’t.

              I spent my night tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Finally when the sun had risen and splashed its bright happy rays that creep to my window, to my floor and my pillow-covered face, I got up still wide awake. When I looked at my mirror, purple bruise-like shadows were found beneath my bloodshot eyes.

              It reminds me when Jaejoong didn’t sleep to take care of me in his house.