He was the boy that saved my life, helping me get another chance to live and knocking my head into realization that the idea of wishing to end my life 5 years ago was entirely a stupid thing.

He was the one that stayed with me when almost everyone was giving up on me. He was the one that gave me back the desire to live my life once more. He was someone who let me throw everything at him when I was upset, gave me a hug when I was crying, and lulled me into sleep when insomnia got into me. He was the one that helped me stand up from the fall.

Whenever I was going through my hardest times, I was always wondering how he suddenly appeared in my life that I almost lived under the delusions that maybe, he was someone sent by the Heaven as Hyukjae Oppa’s replacement.

That’s how significant Cho Kyuhyun  is for me. He’s wormed his way so smoothly to my heart, that maybe he will make it bleed if his own was torn by me. The last thing I want to do is get him hurt.

“Kyuhyun, I-”

“Don’t.” He says, his voice low and grieve. He rests his forehead against my temple, and from my peripheral view, I see his eyes fluttering shut. His breathing is uneven against my cheek. “Don’t say anything. Just... don’t.” He grabs my arms with trembling hands as if to still me, to prevent me from pushing him away.

“Kyuhyun,”

“I said don’t say anything.”

Panic rises to my throat. “Kyu, I’m sorry that I haven’t-”

He seems struggling to keep his composure. “Please keep quiet, Kang Nayoung. Please” He begs sadly. “I need to think. I need to calm myself down. I’m trying to control myself so I wouldn’t do anything that will make you regret. Just... be still for a moment here.”

“Kyuhyun,” I say, frustrated with his act. His grip on my arms tightens. “You’re shaking. Let’s talk about this inside.”

He doesn’t answer.

“Cho Kyuhyun,”

He curses under his breath. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“What?”

“I can’t... Nana, I...” he takes a deep breath. “I... I love you.”

My heart misses a few beats as he drops his hands to his sides, pulling slightly away from me. I turn my head to see him again, to make sure I didn’t mishear, but I immediately regret the movement. I feel crushed when I meet his bloodshot eyes as he tries holding back frustrated tears.

“I love you, Nana, not just as a friend. I’m in love with you. And I’m tired for keeping it hidden from you.” He chokes the words. He shakes his head, closing his eyes with a heavy exhale. “Please tell me I’m not too late. Tell me I haven’t lost you.”

Cho Kyuhyun has taken one certain spot in my heart, and I know I wouldn’t want that spot to be replaced with anyone else. He’s just too precious to be replaced and it’s like the spot has been reserved for him.

However, the part he fills in my heart is completely different from the one that belongs to Hyukjae Oppa. I love them both, but I’ve never seen Kyuhyun as more than a best friend. If anything, he looks like a brother to me. It’s always been like that, and I don’t think it will ever change. I can’t lose him just as much as I can’t lose Hyukjae Oppa, and I can’t hurt him just as much as I can’t hurt Hyukjae Oppa. But to be honest, I’ve never pictured myself with him as a couple; it just never crossed my mind that I’d tell him I love him the way I tell Hyukjae Oppa.

“I...” I start, but I am too speechless to figure out what to say.

Jinhee has been telling me repeatedly that she knew Kyuhyun had a thing for me. Daeyoung too. But I deceived myself by pretending that it’s nothing, they were just teasing and assuming things. They didn’t.

Honestly, I knew what’s coming. It’s just hard not to notice when Kyuhyun stared at me with sparkling eyes, sat with me whenever I needed him to, and hugged me as if I was the most priceless, delicate thing in the world. I distinctly knew his feelings for me – I knew that he wants something more – but I selfishly chose to be ignorant. I don’t want to distance away from him for I don’t think I can bear losing him just like how I lost my mother and Hyukjae Oppa years ago.

But then I realize that excuse wouldn’t be enough to justify myself. This is entirely my fault. I’ve led him on. I hung the hopes low for him even though I knew they would always be out of his reach. I made him – and myself – believe that I would be able to move on from Hyukjae Oppa. But of course, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

So how do I say these to him? How do I apologize for keep leading him on, when I knew from the very start that Hyukjae Oppa would be the only one?

I make another mistake by looking up at him. I see his watery eyes just before he closes them shut; he is never one to appear weak in front of anyone, and I practically hear my heart breaking for that.  I feel like throwing myself off a cliff now. I’m the worst best friend ever.

Kyuhyun reaches for the pocket of his jeans and fishes something out, dropping it to my palm and closing his fingers around my hand. I feel the clover shaped pendant in my grip. I stare up at him, failing to take in his silent movement, my brain working so much slower than it normally does.

“Ahra Noona’s birthday was four months ago, if you haven’t noticed.” He says quietly.

My eyes widen once more at the realization.

“You’re always so forgetful, Nana. You make me worried sometimes.” He chuckles bitterly, but after a moment, he releases my hand, leaving the necklace there. “Well, I’m going.” Turning away, he walks back to the driver’s side.

“Kyuhyun,”

“No,” He snaps as he stops abruptly in front of his car, his back turned at me. “You’re not apologizing to me, Nana. Neither are you telling me I’m too late. Because I know I’m not. You’ll eventually realize that and make up your mind.” He says sternly. Too taken aback with his words, I watch him clench his fists by his sides. “Take care of yourself there. Don’t eat anything that will upset your gastric. Good night.”

And with that, he throws his door open and gets into his car, pulling it out of the driveway of my house in a speed that breaks any traffic rules.

An hour later, as I’m curling up on my bed into a fetus position, I hear someone knocking softly at the door to my room. I let out a heavy sigh, feeling more wrecked than ever. Maybe it’s Jinhee.

A moment ago I decided to call Jinhee and told her about everything. About Hyukjae Oppa. About what’s just happened; about Kyuhyun... Oh, Kyuhyun. The built up wall that had prevented her from talking to me was finally destroyed the moment she heard my panicked voice.

After telling me to take a few deep breaths to calm down, she told me that apparently Kyuhyun had been back from Busan since five days ago, but then he saw Hyukjae Oppa driving me to my office. He saw our hug. He saw the kiss Hyukjae Oppa always plants to my forehead every morning. He saw us starting anew, and he was... broken.

Last night, for some reasons, he snapped out of it and unthinkingly decided to get drunk. So this morning when he drove here, apparently he was still hungover and a little drunk. And I stupidly didn’t notice it. If I had known, I would’ve smacked his head for being so brainless; for driving here with such condition. What if he got into an accident? What if something happened to him?

I can’t help but sensing the irony; he helped me stand up from the fall, but now I’m making him stumble and fall.

Some  friend you are, Kang Nayoung. The voice in the back of my head snorts sarcastically.

I sigh, helplessly agreeing with the voice, and pull the door open. My eyes go wide. The one standing in front of me is not Jinhee.

“Nana?” Hyukjae Oppa’s smile drops as quickly as it was formed at the sight of me. He reaches out to gently cup my face in his hands. “What happened?” he asks worriedly, staring back and forth at each of my eyes.

I swallow the pain past my throat, leaving the question unanswered as I take a step closer to him. Understanding flashes in his eyes and without another question, he opens his arms and engulfs me into a hug. I breathe him in deeply, feeling myself shattering inside as a million thoughts cross my mind.

I know I’ll have to make it clear to Kyuhyun that I’ve never had the intention to have anything more with him, and that it will break his heart even though that’s the last thing I want to do. But what if he distances himself away? What if he can’t stand staying by my side and stops giving me the comfort he usually does? I don’t think I can bear losing a best friend and breaking their heart at the same time. And Kyuhyun, he has done so much for me.

Hyukjae Oppa closes the door behind him quietly and walks over to a couch at the corner of my room. He pulls me onto his lap and wraps his arms around me. I bury my face into his chest. I can tell he’s utterly confused, but he knows better than to overwhelm me with questions. He knows something is wrong but all he can do now is give me the moment to calm myself down in his silence. He rubs my back so gently, as if he is afraid I’ll break into pieces. I squeeze my eyes to restrain the tears from flooding my sight, remembering Kyuhyun had been the one doing this for me for the past few years.

Hyukjae Oppa grazes his thumb over my cheek, finally deciding to cut the deafening silence. “You look tired.” He tells me gently. I understand more than anyone else that it is his way to ask me if I’m okay.

“I’m a little tired.” I reply. He places a kiss on my temple.

“Get some sleep.” He shifts under my weight, placing his hands on my waist and moving me gently from his lap.

I tighten my arms around him possessively. “You’re going?” I know he's so busy but does he really have to go now? At this moment where I need him by my side?

Hyukjae Oppa stares down at me. “Hey, don’t frown.” He puts his finger on the space between my eyebrows to ease the furrow. “I’m just going to tell Ahjumma to make you a glass of milk, so you can sleep better.”

“So then you can go?” I snap.

“Nana,” Hyukjae Oppa does his best to hide the exasperated tone. “I’m not going, okay? I’m staying.”

I put my head into my hands, guilt washes through me. How can he be so gentle when I just barked at him? “Oppa, sorry, I didn’t... I didn’t mean to snap at you. I just don’t want you to go.”

“And I won’t.” He hugs me again. “It’s okay, Nana. I understand. Don’t apologize.” He says, swaying me from side to side gently.

I sigh. “I feel annoyed with myself now.”

“You’re just tired.” He assures me. “Do we need to delay the trip to Jeju? Or if it’s okay with you, I’ll just go there with Dae-”

“No!” I immediately pull away to look at him. “We are going tomorrow. I can go.”

“But Nana, you’re tire-”

“I can go.” I see Hyukjae Oppa wince at the scowl on my face. He watches me with intense eyes, but I’m not backing away this time. I narrow my eyes at him and he sighs in defeat eventually.

“Alright, alright, we’re going tomorrow. But you need to rest now. You need to sleep early.” He walks me to my bed and tucks me under the bed cover. He sits on the edge of my bed, caressing my hair as our eyes stay locked with each other. He sighs after a moment of staring wordlessly. “Sleep, Nana. Close your eyes.”

“You’ll go if I fall asleep.”

He sighs again. “I’m not going-”

“Then sleep here.” I move to make a space for him.

The surprised look on his face makes me want to burst into giggles, regardless the timing. “What?” he asks.

“Sleep,” I pat the space beside me. “Here.”

He looks at me as if I’m crazy. “But Nana-”

“For the record, Hyukjae Oppa, sleep here.”

“But-”

“Please?” I give him the best pout I can pull out, and that’s exactly all he needs to break into a smile. He narrows his eyes playfully at me.

“Stubborn baby girl. Your brother will kill me if he finds me sleeping here.” He moves to lay his body by my side. I immediately snuggle up to him, welcoming back his arms around me. He feels so warm. He smells really good and his strong, sculpted chest and arms make me feel safe. I can’t help the enormous grin on my face, which he quickly notices. “Happy?”

I nod eagerly, my mood sky-rocketing. “Yes, I’m happy.” I look up at him. “Are you?”

“Very.” He kisses the tip of my nose, mirroring the grin. “Now sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day.”

“Tomorrow will be a long day.” I nod in agreement. Picturing Jeju in my head, I nuzzle my face into his neck and say a little too cheerfully, “Good night, Oppa.”

He laughs softly. “Night, baby.”