Falling apart
The Spell
Warning: It has a few angst scenes so prepare yourselves, my beloved readers.
And may I suggest you guys some sad songs that suit the mood of this chap.
Lost in love – Taeyeon & Tiffany
Those songs really helped me a lot when I wrote.
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Luhan tossed the luggage aside and crashed his body on the mattress. He was exhausted, literally. Flying back and forth between China and Korea in the last three weeks pushed him near to the edge of breaking down.
He didn’t have enough sleep, sometimes skipped a meal or two waiting for his mother’s test result. It could have been easier for him if he hired someone to help him, not to mention that in fact his family financial condition was way further than able to do it, but he wanted to do the taking care of his mother all by himself.
Luhan had his own reason that he believed no one could understand. After the night of finding his mother trying to kill herself, he had locked himself in his room for almost two days and refused to see her in the hospital. What would an eleven-year-old boy do in that situation? They might be crying, terrified to death but they would definitely insist to be with their mom for 24/7. But not in Luhan’s case. He was different, in an unexplainable way.
In two days hugging his chest tightly against knees thinking about his family’s drama, his inexperienced brain had come up with a decision. If it’s because his mother loved him so much that she couldn’t be brave enough get out of her misery, then he would make her love him less every day till the day she could free herself without any regret.
The sound of door twisted snapped his eyes open. Yixing was startled a bit when he saw his gege was at the dorm. Luhan was not supposed to come back until tomorrow.
“You’re home early ge.” the younger greeted after taking a huge gulp of cold water, back leaning against the fridge “Change plan again?”
Luhan let out a long sigh, feeling like his throat was burning from inside. He sat up, shook his head in return and headed to where his dongsaeng was standing, grabbed the bottle and drank it up in one go.
“I just want to spend some more time with Sehun.”
Received the empty bottle from the latter, Yixing could easily sense the uneasiness in Luhan’s voice. As much as he concerned, the couple didn’t have much time to see each other lately even in those days the Chinese was in Korea. And from what Jongin had told him few days ago, Sehun was almost in the mental crack and became a “picky brat like he used to be”.
“How is your mom?” he asked with sincere worry
“Not good, not bad. She will be sent home next week.”
“When will you fly back?”
The younger fulfilled the bottle and carelessly put it back into the fridge
“After the shooting.”
Luhan said in frustration, knowing he would have to leave Sehun again in two more days. This is , he groaned inwardly, hand covering his eyes slackly. Even though having been trying his best he couldn’t do anything but losing his balance between being by his mother’s side in China and remaining a good relationship with his boyfriend in Korea.
It was okay in the first ten days where Sehun being understanding to all of his anxiety, like sudden conversation’s cutting off when he thought his mother needed him (turned out mostly she didn’t) or yawning out loud right when the younger started to tell a funny joke that Chanyeol had taught him earlier. Then it became a little bit more tensed in the third week as he flew back to Korea to re-arranged his work and study but didn’t cross with Sehun’s schedule so basically they didn’t have chance to meet for at least ten days.
It must be easier if Sehun just said it out loud and vented his anger on him. But the Korean was nothing but being silent and trying to lighten up his mood as much as he could. It really tore him inside, feeling like he was taking advantage of his boyfriend. He told himself many times that he would find a chance to make it up for Sehun but seeing what the future was waiting for him, he couldn’t keep his eyes be blinded any more. No sugar coat, no fairy tale that princess would be rescued by the prince and lived happily ever after.
The situation he was stuck had no way out. The fact that he had to stay in China was almost decided. People said it’s normal to carry on a long distance relationship, as long as they still loved and cared for each other. But for how long? One, two years or for the rest of his life? He couldn’t be selfish and pretended like they’re going to find the best solution.
Because he already knew what’s best for his Sehun.
Yixing observed his gege’s body turned aside in weariness. He carefully moved closer and sat down at the edge of the bed, tried to show his sympathy
“I know things are getting out of your hand but you know I’ll always there when you need me right?”
Luhan stopped his thinking. He wanted to say something like thank you in response but turned out it’s was just a long sigh coming out of his mouth. It dawn on him that the fact he couldn’t keep someone he loved beside for a long time was true. Was it a spell that he couldn’t escape or do something to fight against?
They stayed like that position for a long minute before the younger gave in and stood up, making his way upstairs, leaving Luhan alone with his privacy. He had no idea how his cheerful and cute gege would become so lifeless and depressed just in a short time. It’s so strange to see Luhan like this. So whatever was going to happen, he wished it was soon over because he missed his friend’s laugh very much.
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Sehun was in the good mood, each of his hyung could tell that from the way he walked with his neck shaking a little bit. It was like an old habit of him to let his body be free whenever he was extremely excited about something.
Well, how came he not when his baby deer finally went back to Korea, even though just for two days for the shooting of the last part of his final design. Sehun couldn’t care more. This was all he needed right now, being with Luhan as much as possible before the latter flew to China.
Frankly, he was tired of maintaining long distance relationship like this in the last few weeks. Call him selfish or whatever but he didn’t see why Luhan wouldn’t hire someone to help him. That would save the Chinese some energy for other stuffs too. Actually they talked about it once and Sehun was the one who suggested that idea but Luhan just rejected almost immediately like he had already thought about it. Sehun didn’t ask why, more like he didn’t have chance to ask because the other quickly hang up the phone with familiar excuse “I’ll have to go check on my mom. I’ll call you later.”
“Luhan hyung is back, isn’t he?”
Jongin tapped his shoulder from the back when he was tossing his stuffs into his locker to run to the café shop in the campus that Luhan had texted him half of an hour ago.
Sehun slammed the door after checking his phone. I’m running late.
“Yeah, I’m off to see him now.”
He shrugged and quickly walked away, ignored the fact that his friend was still following him.
“Is he going to stay longer?” the dancer fastened his pace to catch up with the other “I didn’t get to see him the last time he was here.”
Neither did his ing boyfriend.
Sehun grinded his teeth as recalling how angry he was when he received a text from Luhan saying sorry for not able to meet him after class because he was already checking in at the airport. It was actually the first time he was so mad at the older that he cut off their connection for almost two days. But then he realized missing Luhan was probably the worst torture than anything else so he had no choice to accept apology from the other and let it go.
“I don’t know” he let out a small sigh, didn’t want to think about the day he had to see Luhan off again at the airport “I’ll ask him later when we meet.”
Jongin suddenly stopped when they were out of the Music Department and pulled his elbow, making him lose his balance a bit.
“This can’t last long Sehun, you know it. You need to do something before both of you break it all.”
For a split of second, Sehun wanted to retort that his relationship with Luhan was just fine but sensing the seriousness in his buddy’s voice, he couldn’t say anything. Because it’s true that they were falling apart. When Sehun promised they would find the best way to work thing out, he really meant it and he really tried to make it work. But everything seemed to slip through his fingers with no doubt.
Loosened the grip on his elbow, Sehun flashed Jongin a strained smile along with a pat on the shoulder
“Thanks man.”
With that he left the latter standing still and rushed to the café shop direction, where his boyfriend was waiting for him.
The shop was quite deserted when he stepped in, just a few tables was occupied. He spotted the honey brown head facing back to him at the corner of the room, a big grin automatically found its way to plant on his face. Without even thinking he moved closer and wrapped his arms around that person’s neck, bended down to whispered against the elder’s ear.
“I miss you babe.”
Luhan tightened his muscles a bit at the sudden skinship but quickly felt calm again when he knew it was Sehun behind him.
“Sehun ah.”
He glued his gaze at the said boy as the other walked to the other side of the table, pulling out a chair and ordered a cup of chocolate bubble tea when Jieun, the waitress, approached them. They didn’t even start to talk about it yet his eyes was almost blurry by a threatened tear to fall down. It’s so freaking hard and he didn’t know where to begin or how to carry on a proper conversation with all the emotion inside him now.
“So how is everything in China?”
Sehun’s voice brought him back to reality. Luhan blinked several times to hold himself together before spoke up, head a bit lowered down
“Fine, I guess.”
It was, except for the fact his heart was ripped apart at the thought of leaving the younger.
“You sound tired” Sehun tilted his head in concern “Do you want to go back dorm and rest?”
“No, I’m fine” Luhan waved his hand, noticed that his voice was a little louder than necessary and attracted not only his boyfriend but also Jieun as she put down the bubble tea on the table. He shifted into his chair and mumbled waveringly
“I mean it’s a long time since we last visited this place so just finish the drink and have a talk here.”
Sehun opened his mouth, about to say something but then chose to let it aside, leaned back on the chair board and took a huge gulp of his sweet tea.
“Okay, if you say so.”
He shrugged, suddenly felt like there was a tall wall between two of them that he couldn’t break through. He tried to shake it off his mind by starting a new topic, something he thought Luhan would be more interested in
“So, about tomorrow, do you want me to pick you up for breakfast before heading to the park?”
The Chinese stirred the straw around and shook his head in denial
“I think I’ll stop by Professor Wong first thing in the morning. I have to discuss with him about the shooting.”
Seeing how Sehun’s lips tightened into a thin line at the unexpected answer he had just received, Luhan knew it was so unfair to do this to the latter. All of these things. Sehun was deserved to be with someone better than him.
“When will you fly back?” there was a slight hint of uneasiness in Sehun’s voice “Right after the shooting?”
“I’m sorry. I….”
“Why? Tell me Luhan, why are you doing this to me?”
The way Sehun said his name like that for the first time made the elder boy shiver. He knew it was coming. No, he was the one who started this battle and he had to make it stop before the latter reached his limit. But he had no idea that it could be hurt like hell just to see the one he loved more than anything in the world glared at him angrily.
“I’m sorry…”
He had thousand things in his mind to say but it ended up that three words coming out of his mouth like a slip of the tongue. And it just made the situation became worse.
“Stop saying sorry to me.”
Sehun stressed each word, fought his urge not to exclaim in the middle of the shop. Jongin was right, this couldn’t last long and he had the feeling of being pushed far away from his boyfriend each day
“Look Luhan” he inhaled a long breath, the bitterness was already at the top of his tongue and his stomach was twisted inside as he saw where this conversation would go “I don’t want to sound like a selfish jerk but I had enough of you being so distant lately. Just tell straight to my face what’s going on.”
Luhan swallowed thick, slowly looked up to meet the younger’s eyes. He was going to regret after today wasn’t he? But he had no choice, he repeated it mentally until his brain wasn’t left with any energy to function properly. This was because he loved Sehun so much he couldn’t let the boy suffer any more.
“I’m going to stay in China after graduating.” he stated firmly
“Oh my god” Sehun seemed to lose his temper “We talked about it hundreds times before and agreed to work thing out…”
“This is not how it works Sehun and you know it too.” Luhan snapped back, he voice was raised along with all the emotion weighing down on his heart in a long time.
“I made a mistake to ignore my mom when she needed me the most. I thought if I push her away far enough she would love me less and could free herself from responsibility of looking after me. But I was wrong. I was ing wrong. I hurt her more than I could imagine and now it’s time for me to make it up for her.”
He stopped in the middle and examined the unreadable expression on Sehun’s face. So this was what it like, getting used to loving somebody higher than anything else in this world and knowing you´re going to lose it all. Luhan bit his lower lip to prevent a sob spitting out.
They stayed in silence for a while before Luhan spoke up again, his voice was trembled as he saw the worst thing was going to happen.
“I don’t know how long it’s gonna last and it’s so unfair if I continue to keep you in a relationship with me without future. It’s better for you Sehun ah…”
“So you……you’re saying you will give up on me?”
Sehun choked on the first word. His heart was cut in pieces already and he couldn’t hear what had come out of his mouth a second ago. How thing between him and Luhan became like this, he couldn’t figure out. Inside his head right now was feeling of emptiness.
This couldn’t be true, right? They were so happy together. He had already decided to adopt two boys and a little girl for his own family with Luhan. He had painted the picture of them in a wedding day. He had planned so many other things for them in the future that he refused to hear any of Luhan words anymore because it’s hurt, more than hell. How came things all falling apart like this? How came he always being abandoned by the one he loved?
First his mom, now his Luhan.
“Answer me!” he shouted, didn’t care some pair of eyes from other tables were looking at them “Are you ing leaving me?”
Luhan shriveled up in his seat, tear already trailing down on his burning cheek. He wished to scream back that no he didn’t want to end thing with him, that he craved for the latter’s presence every single day passing by but something lodged at his throat and all he could do was shaking his head sputtering
“I…I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” Sehun muffled a mocking laugh but then it turned into a broken-hearted mumble “How could you do this to me?”
The next thing Luhan saw was an empty chair in front of him and a half drank cup of chocolate tea on the table. He clenched his hand against his chest in pain as he felt like his heart was hit by a ton of bricks and it was bleeding badly. How could he survive knowing Sehun wasn’t there for him anymore? How could he make it through every day without his boyfriend’s warm love protecting him? Luhan didn’t know at all.
I’m sorry Sehun ah…
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A.N/ I know it’s really bad idea to post this chap on Luhan birthday because I broke their hearts and some of you guys’ as well, my beloved readers =(((. I’m soooo sorry.
Anyway, you know I love you with all my soul right Luhannie?
Happy birthday, baby deer! Wish you all the best!
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