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Myungyeolllll <333333333

Myungsoo guessed this mess started when Myungsoo had confessed to him, blurted out those stupid three words. Myungsoo still remembered how it had turned out.

They had been loafing around on the couch, eating popcorn, watching television, like on any other friday nights. Myungsoo had looked up from where he had flopped on the couch, and watched his best friend. Myungsoo didn't know when this had become routine--he would watch the movie, and Myungsoo would watch his friend. It wasn't like Myungsoo could help it. To Myungsoo, the friend was everything he'd ever need. To Myungsoo, his friend was everything. He smiled at that, because it sounded like one of those love songs that his parents listened to at night, and the love songs were all about happy endings, and how lovers "lived happily ever after". They had given Myungsoo hope. Because he had loved his friend--Myungsoo loved him as his best-ever-irreplaceable-friend-for-life, and Myungsoo also loved him something more than that.

This had tormented Myungsoo. The three words that had formed in his mind had tortured Myungsoo, whizzing around in his head, so that he couldn't concentrate on anything, so that his mind hurt to the point of almost bursting, so that he sometimes fell asleep cradling his throbbing head at night. The three words taunted him, echoing in his mind each day, looking for a way out of him, so that night, Myungsoo had gathered up the courage to open his mouth and let those words escape, afraid that they'd do more damage, afraid that they'd kill him inside.

It had been the stupidest thing he'd ever done. The three words continued to wreck havoc outside.

"I love you."  Myungsoo watched his friend for a reaction.

His friend didn't stir, eyes still glued to the television. So Myungsoo took a deep breath, and tried again, nudging his friend's leg to get his attention.

"I love you." Myungsoo watched his friend again. His friend looked at him, grinning, and Myungsoo's heart soared with hope that even made him a little light headed.

"Yeah, I know. I love you too, man." His friend caught him in a headlock, and ruffled his hair, eyes straying back to the television screen.

Myungsoo's spirits took a plunge. That hadn't been what he meant. Myungsoo loved him something more than a friend.

"No, no. I love you." 

This time, his friend understood, and let go of his head, and leaned back a little, to create more distance between them. Myungsoo had watched his friend's eyes widen, hie eyebrows furrow. This hadn't been what Myungsoo had expected.

"What?" His friend got off from the couch, and backed away, towards the door, as if Myungsoo had just uttered a death threat, instead of confessing his love. His friend muttered something about being sorry, before he turned and left-- left Myungsoo sitting there alone on the couch watching the door and hoping against hope; left Myungsoo to realise he wasn't coming back, and that he had to turn off the television by himself and finish the huge bowl of popcorn that had been meant for two, alone.

Myungsoo turned his head up, and stared at the ceiling for so long that when he closed his eyes, he could still see every bump and blemish. Myungsoo hadn't the heart to chase after his friend, to tell him to forget he said anything, to beg him to continue being his friend. Because his stupid heart had gone and smashed itself into millions of pieces that had bled silently, the moment the door slammed shut.

Myungsoo never wanted to hear those love songs again.

And after that, Myungsoo remembered how he had tried everything to forget the guy that had walked out on him. Myungsoo had tried to throw out everything that reminded him of his best friend, but he'd hesitated, just before he let them go, hand hovering over the rubbish bin. He couldn't bring himself to throw everything out, so he'd just brought them back into the house again, and shoved everything back into a box, which he threw into the closet, and vowed never to look at again.Myungsoo even tried letting all his pain flow out, letting all the hurt leave as tears, so that when he dried his eyes, he wouldn't feel a thing anymore.

It didn't work.

The rhythm of the sobs that wracked through his body simply rocked himself to sleep, and Myungsoo would wake up in the morning to a tear stained pillow, and feeling even crappier the next day, having to face the world with half-closed, aching, swollen eyes.

One of those days, Myungsoo had felt something tug hard, burning, in his chest, making him gasp for breath. Myungsoo leaned against the wall, and slowly slid down it, clutching the front of his shirt, as if it would lessen the pain. As if it would make it better.

For sure, it had hurt really bad when Myungsoo missed his friend, but Myungsoo was sure this was a different kind of pain. Before, the hurt had been throbbing, to the rhythm of his broken heart, but now it stung, and made Myungsoo claw at his skin, made Myungsoo try to claw the pain out.

Myungsoo let the tears that welled up, fall. Nothing, nothing was going right for him, was it? First, he'd lost his everything. Now his body started acting up? Myungsoo's hand relaxed it's death hold on his shirt. Maybe this was what they called a heart attack. Maybe Myungsoo would die. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad if that actually happened.

It was one of those days too, that his older sister sprang a surprise visit on him, and she found Myungsoo still lying propped up against the wall limply, staring at nothing, forgotten tears rolling down his face.

"What's wrong?!" She rushed forward, to gather Myungsoo in her arms. She held him at arm's length to look for injuries.

"Are you hurt? Where does it hurt?" His sister looked so worried, so concerned that Myungsoo didn't want to hide anything. He nodded slowly, another tear rolling it's way down his cheek, leaving a fresh trail. He pointed to his chest, where his heart should be.

And so, she'd whizzed him off, to the hospital where she worked part time as a nurse, to get the pain checked out. Myungsoo hadn't wanted to go--he'd not been out for days, not since he'd been rejected, but his sister had insisted, and Myungsoo didn't want to cause any trouble by throwing a tandrum he was perfectly capable of, but way too old to throw.

But Myungsoo wished he'd put up more resistence, when his sister had passed him the gown he'd have to wear for the xray.

He looked at it with distaste. Normally, Myungsoo was a supporter of gender equality, and didn't see the sense in unequal treatment of the two genders, but now, Myungsoo couldn't be so sure. He looked at the surgical green garment clutched in his hand, and grimaced.

A dress is for girls.

He turned back to his sister, who only looked at him unsympathetically.

"Just wear it," She hissed. Myungsoo stopped looking at her for help, and his heel, and walked into the darned dressing room, making sure he grumbled all the way there, just loud enough for it to be audible to her.

Oh, he wanted her conscience to burn.

Inside the changing room, there was no mirror, but Myungsoo didn't need one to confirm that he looked, ridiculous. He knew he looked absolutely terrible in the stupid dress thing. This is why girls wear dresses. They look better in them. Myungsoo nodded to himself, before taking a deep breath and stepping out again.

He took a look at his sister. She looked like she was going to giggle, but at the last minute, she stopped, and on the insides of her cheeks. She put on what Myungsoo called her "Professional Face". Myungsoo was going to shoot her one of his death stares, to show that her silly working mask didn't work him, but the door of the changing room next to his flew open at that moment, and Myungsoo was distracted.

A boy around his age walked out, dragging his reluctant (Myungsoo presumed) brother out with him. Poor little guy, Myungsoo mused, watching the smaller kid pick at the green fabric, I know how you feel. He heard the older guy click his tongue impatiently.

"Oh stop it. Look, I don't even have to take the xray, and I'm wearing the stinking frock with you, okay. And I'm not complaining." The older kid tugged on the smaller boy's arm.

Myungsoo snorted. Not complaining? He'd laugh, if he wasn't feeling so self conscious. Myungsoo raised an eyebrow at his sister.

The older kid sighed, when his little brother didn't stop his scowling at the shapeless garment.

"Look!"

The elder kid stepped forward, and twirled around, making the fabric billow out a little, exposing more of his bony legs to his brother (and Myungsoo) in the process. Myungsoo couldn't supress a snicker. The boy was tall, and a little gangly, and his arms and legs stuck out awkwardly from holes cut in the gown. Myungsoo felt a little better. At least there was someone who looked as bad as he did.

Watching the spinning boy, Myungsoo could imagine how a frog would look like in an oversized dress. Not pretty. Come to think of it, maybe that was the reason behind a frog prince, and not a frog princess. A frog in a frock would just not cut it. The story would be less a fairytale, and more a horror story.

The boy stopped spinning when he heard Myungsoo's poorly disguised laugh (Myungsoo pretended he was coughing, to be polite). He staggered a bit, giving Myungsoo a squinty-eyed glare, eyeing him slowly from head to toe, as if to say "you don't look that much better, buddy". Myungsoo stared back, and in his mind he saw a frog in a green dress peering agressively down at him. That didn't help with the giggling he was trying to swallow, and he was joined by the kid's little brother.

The older guy turned to smile at his dongsaeng's laughter, and Myungsoo saw his sister grin too, and take the little boy's hand, carrying him into the room. Before she closed the door, she looked at Myungsoo, as if to make sure he'd behave, and Myungsoo simply looked away.

"Why don't they have gender equality in this hospital?" The guy muttered, as he stared down at the green fabric. Then he shrugged, and turned to Myungsoo, who had perched himself on one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs provided for the patients.

"Hi, I'm Sungyeol." The kid said, scratching the back of his head and smiling.

Myungsoo didn't even look up from the floor. "I know." Myungsoo sighed, and wished the guy would leave him alone. Because Myungsoo wanted to be alone--if he managed to convince himself so, then perhaps the thought of his best friend leaving him wouldn't hurt so bad.

"How...?" The kid flopped down on the chair beside Myungsoo, staring at him. Myungsoo glanced up irritably, and motioned once to the wrist band Sungyeol wore, that spelled out his name, in bright, bold letters.

"You really did enjoy my performance just now huh? Noticing every tiny detail." Sungyeol flashed him a smile that Myungsoo didn't feel inclined to return. Tiny detail? Myungsoo felt that it was his duty to inform Sungyeol that bright, bold lettering on a chunky wrist band was definitely not  a tiny detail, but before he could say anything, his sister opened the door, and called for his name.

Myungsoo stood up, and folded his arms awkwardly accross his chest as he swished towards the room in the irritating gown. He wondered once again what was wrong with his body, and he was curious about the hurt he'd felt just now at home. What had that been about? Before he stepped into the room, where his sister motioned for him to enter, something tugged at the hem of his hospital gown.

Myungsoo looked down. The Sungyeol guy had made full use of the sheer length of his body, and stretched across the row of seats, so that his hand could grip the corner of the green fabric. At first Myungsoo had thought that the guy was just trying to annoy him (what could the stranger possibly have left to say to him?), but he was surprised when Sungyeol spoke seriously.

"Hey, good luck."

Myungsoo tilted his head.

"What? Why?"

Sungyeol shrugged as best as he could, still stretched out at full length on the seats.

"Dunno. Just looked as if you needed it, that's all."

Myungsoo looked at the long fingers that pinched the cloth. He didn't know what to say to that. So he just gave a half-nod, and walked into the room, and didn't turn around to see that Sungyeol's eyes followed him till the door closed.

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