We were standing outside the mall entrance when it happened. I just told him! I told him I like him! I started to panic. I had my eyes shut tight, not knowing how he would react. So many things were running through my mind. I couldn’t believe I had just laid out the confession like that. I blurted the words without even thinking, but I had to get it out, it was killing me.

I opened my eyes when I felt him gently place his hands on my face. He clasped it and looked into my eyes. Finally! It was like a huge weight got lifted off my chest. I was glad I got everything out of my system, but I was still waiting for his reaction. My expression turned from scared to confused when I heard his laughter. Oh no. Don’t tell me he thinks it’s just a joke. “Is that why you’re sad? Is it because you think I don’t like you?” Kyungsoo asked with a big smile on his face like it was the cutest thing he had ever heard. What? I had no idea what he was getting at. “Of course I like you! You rock man!” He said then ruffled my hair.

I looked at him with wide eyes. He likes me back? I was about to smile, but then he spoke words that made me realize what he meant. “Sometimes I give people mean looks without realizing it. I’m sorry if that is what happened. But I do like you!” He said while nodding and flashing puppy-dog eyes in hopes that I would understand. I did. I understood perfectly. He was telling me that he liked me, but as friend. He had no idea that I had just confessed to him.

I was so tired of it all; I couldn’t bring myself to explain. I just let out a sigh and gave him a smile, trying to look as happy as I could. He held his arms out wide, gesturing for a hug. I didn’t protest. I hugged him. Having him in my arms made me feel secure. I didn’t want to let go of him, despite the agony he was causing me. Kyungsoo was both the virus and the cure. He pulled away but I tightened my hold around him. This made him chuckle and secure his arms back. “I’m glad you understand. Most people don’t.” He said with relief in his tone.

Sehun approached with Luhan, they had their arms locked and I noticed that Sehun was actually talking instead of just gazing at Luhan while he spoke. At least it went well with him. I had no energy left. I just wanted to go to the dorm room and lie down in my bed. I wanted to blast music on my headphones and forget the world around me. We got in the car and I looked over to Kyungsoo while he started the car. A few minutes had passed in almost silence, excluding the hushed conversation going on in the back seat.

I hadn’t taken my eyes off him once. He obviously noticed I was staring so he threw a small glance at me then looked back at the road. “What is it?” He asked while a smile formed on his lips. I wanted to grab him and shake his shoulders. I wanted to scream out how I felt, but of course I didn’t. “What can I do to make you understand?” I muttered under my breath. He furrowed his brows in puzzlement. “What was that?” He asked, hoping I would repeat my words. I just stayed quiet. I didn’t have anything to say.

The day after my confession, Sehun had noticed how upset I was. He asked me what was wrong but I ignored his question. I didn’t want to explain everything.  I brushed off all his pleading for answers and all of his questions, except one. We were on our way to dance class when I finally took notice of his question. “Did he reject you?” He asked lastly. I snapped my head to the side and glared at him. He was startled by my sudden movement. He probably thought I would just ignore him again.

His question made me furious. “You just assume he rejected me? Is that it? Are you going to laugh now?” I asked in a raised voice. I couldn’t control my words; I was in a blind rage. His eyes widened at my abrupt attitude change. “N-no I didn’t..” He stuttered, trying to explain something, but I cut him off. “Yeah! Go ahead and laugh! ‘Kai couldn’t land the guy he likes but I got the one I like sooo easy!’ is that what you’re thinking?” I said in attempt to mock the judging thoughts I assumed he was thinking. “Well I’m glad you got your guy! Really! It just fills me with joy! Yup! It makes me feel utter fuc-” “KAI CALM DOWN!” He yelled while snatching my flailing arms. He looked at me and I could see the terror in his eyes. “This isn’t you, now stop it.” He begged, still holding my arms.

I looked at him and all the anger left my body so that all there was left was pain. I just felt downright pain. Sehun was right. That wasn’t me. I launched myself at him and hugged him tightly. I squeezed my eyes shut and just stayed like that. He hugged me back and I was just beginning to grasp how immature I had acted.  I let go of him and apologized profusely. I summarized the situation for him and told him how I felt about it all. He nodded in understanding. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was just jealous that you got Luhan while I’m still caught in the same place with Kyungsoo.” I shamefully admitted.

“Whoa, wait a minute. Who ever said that I scored with Luhan? Nothing happened between us. The most I did was lock arms with him. I’m pretty sure he just sees me as a person to take care of, like a little brother or something.” He said in a small voice while averting his eyes from mine. My eyes widened in realization. “So we are basically stuck in the same rut.” I said in a sigh. He nodded, confirming what I had said. “Aren’t they supposed to be the older ones? They are as clueless as first graders!” He said in a stubborn scowl. I laughed and tugged his arm, ushering him to continue walking. I didn’t want to be late for class, especially not that class. Right then, I wanted nothing more than to dance my heart out and exhaust my body to give my brain and heart a little rest.

A few classes later I could almost feel the time barreling down on me. I knew that on the way out of that building, I would see Kyungsoo waiting for me at the door. I wanted to see his adorable smile and touch his beautiful face, but didn’t want to have to face him. That was exactly the reason why I chocked when I saw him standing there patiently, skimming his surroundings to find me. Sehun and I walked up to him and I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. It was loud and deafening. I saw him smile and wave as we approached. My stomach lurched as all the terrible feelings flooded back into me at the recollection of the previous day.

We stopped when we reached him and my body started to tremble. I was screaming at myself. Stop it! Stop making a big deal out of something so small! I couldn’t understand why I was so hurt even though Kyungsoo hadn’t done anything. But that was exactly it. He hadn’t done anything. I wasn’t accepted nor was I rejected by him. I was just in some weird in-between place with him and I hated it. At least if he rejected me, I could try and move on. But it was all so unclear. I ran. I just bolted away from him, unable to tolerate the huge cluster of feelings I was experiencing all at once. Confusion. Anger. Pain. I felt like my heart was over capacitated and going to explode.

 I didn’t look back. I didn’t even look up. I glimpsed a few people jumping to the side to dodge me, and I think I might have bumped a person or two but I didn’t stop running. My mind was so filled with rage and agony. Am I just being childish? Is it because I have never liked anyone before? Am I just being overdramatic? It was all just too much. I suddenly heard a yell. One so loud, it knocked me out of my thoughts. It sounded like it was magnified by a hundred to my eardrums. “KAI!”

I looked back and saw Kyungsoo running after me. He was far behind and having a very difficult time trying to catch up with me. It didn’t surprise me that he was already starting to sweat. I wanted to continue running, but I couldn’t leave him in that state. He looked so helpless. By the time he reached me, he was wheezing and gasping for air. I looked around, scanning the area, and saw that I had run quite far from where we were standing before, no one was around. He put his hands on his knees and tried to catch his breath. I waited and watched as he straightened himself out.

He took a deep breath. “Sehun told me to go after you.” He said, exhaling. I just stayed quiet. “But I was going to anyway..!” He added while grabbing my arm. I wanted to push his hand away but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I liked the closeness. “Kai, you have got to tell me what’s bothering you, or I won’t ever know!” He said firmly, in attempt look straight into my eyes. I averted mine; I knew the sight of his big brown eyes would make me weak. I turned my face to the side. “It’s nothing.. reall-” “Don’t say that! Don’t lie! Come on, don’t you think it’s kind of obvious that something is wrong?” He said while sweeping his arms out, gesturing to our surroundings. “Why else would you run all the way here?” He asked rhetorically then held my face in his hand. He turned it towards his so he could look into my eyes. It felt like he was trying to hypnotize me and it was working.

That’s it. I am done. I moved my hands to his shoulders and gripped them tightly. I took a deep breath to calm myself. “Listen to me. Don’t just listen with your ears, OK? Listen with your brain too, stupid.” I said firmly. He nodded in understanding and smiled, happy that I was finally going to tell him what was wrong. “I..” I pointed my index finger to my eye. “Like..” I laid the same hand on my chest. “You.” I said then pointed to his chest. “I-” He said but I interrupted. “No! Let me say this.” He shut his mouth and gave a tiny nod.

“I like you. I like you as a friend, yes, but I like you as more than that too. As in I want to hug you. Not just hug you occasionally like before, I mean I want to hug you all the time whenever I feel like it, without needing a reason. I want to be able to hold you in my arms so I can show everyone that you are mine and no one else’s.” I said, speaking slowly and looking straight into his eyes to make sure he would get it through his thick head this time. “And if you still don’t get it..” I clasped his face and before he had time to register what was happening, I pressed my lips on his.

I could hear him let out a little gasp out of surprise but a few moments later he relaxed his lips and fell into the kiss with me. I didn’t know if it was because I was holding my breath, but I felt so high. I was dizzy, but it was a good kind of dizziness, like I was in the clouds. I had kissed many guys before Kyungsoo, but it had never felt so breathtaking like it did with him. After I pulled away I was a little surprised to see him trip and almost fall onto me. So he was feeling dizzy because of the kiss too. He was suddenly all cute and shy, not meeting my gaze and blushing like crazy. I had never seen him like that, it was absolutely adorable.

I was right when I said that our first kiss would be magical, because it was. No, actually 'magical' was an understatement. since I was taller than him, I tilted his chin up so I could get a good look at his face. “Do you understand now?” I asked him in a low voice. His eyes were big and sparkling in the light. He nodded to me. “I understand.” He quietly exclaimed and smiled shyly. I was seeing another side of him and I loved it. I wanted to see all his different expressions and all the aspects of his personality. I suddenly felt the need to learn more about him. I wanted to know what made him happy. I wanted to hold him in my arms and make sure he never got hurt or felt sad. I had never felt like that for anyone, and I didn’t hate it. On the contrary, it was the best feeling in the world.

We were walking back to the dorms and I noticed he was walking very slowly, a little too slowly. “What’s the matter?” I asked in concern. He shook his head, trying to ensure me that nothing was wrong, and that's I remembered how he ran after me. He wasn’t as physically fit as I was, so it was probably hard on his body to do that much running all at once. I stopped our stride, turned and scooped him up in my arms. He barely weighed anything.

His eyes widened and he panicked a little. He began to flail around. “Ah! Put me down, put me down!” “No way, you can barely walk!” He stopped fidgeting and covered his face. “Please, it’s so embarrassing.” He begged with his face still in his hands. I couldn’t help but think how cute he looked. I put him down and he wobbled a little, trying to straighten himself out and he almost fell over in the process. Wow, he really is tired. He let out a sigh. It looked like he gave up on trying. “Get down.” He ordered while pointing to the floor in front of me. I was a little confused, but I did as I was told. Once I was on my knees he got on me in a piggyback position. I stood up and held his thighs to keep him upright. Before I had the chance to ask, he spoke. “This is less embarrassing.” He explained. I felt him lay his head on my shoulder and I continued carrying him back to his dorm.

We reached and before I turned the doorknob to enter, he got off my back. “Wait,” He said, grabbing the hand I had on the knob. I looked at him, waiting for what he was going to say. “Does this mean,” He began, but put a stop to his words. “Never mind, the question is embarrassing.” He said then redirected his gaze to the floor. “Come on, spit it out.” I said while putting my hand on his head. He took a deep breath. “Does this mean we are together? As in a couple..?” He asked shyly, never taking his eyes off the floor. I ruffled his short soft hair and smiled widely. “Of course it does!” I said with a light chuckle. “Remember what I told you? You are mine.” I never wanted him to forget that.

He looked back up at me and smiled brightly. I just wanted to eat him up. His smile was as gorgeous as ever. “Yeah, and you are mine too, right?” He asked. His question made me smile. I couldn’t resist his cuteness. I leaned and kissed him, he made me feel like his lips were all that I would ever need.  It was like he was reason my heart was pumping. Like he was the reason my lungs were breathing. The kiss was sweet and slow. I didn’t know if it was because he was a really good kisser, or if it was because I already had such strong feelings for him.

 I couldn’t believe I was able to hold something so angelic in my arms. I felt like the luckiest person alive. It felt like the chase had lasted forever, even though it was just the day before that I truly understood my feelings for him. Although, I knew I had probably felt that way long before I actually realized it. I couldn’t believe I finally had him. I pulled away and saw that he still had his eyes closed. He opened them slowly like he was savoring the moment. I answered his question with a smile on my face. “Yes. I am.”

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