Kyungsoo’s P.O.V (Part 1)

After classes were done, I saw Sehun, Luhan and Kai all standing by the Arts Department door waiting for me. I was in class a longer than everyone else, so the hall was empty. Luhan and Sehun were chatting on about something while Kai was standing alone with his back against the wall and his hands in his pockets, staring blankly at his shoes, completely spaced out.

I couldn’t help but think Kai looked especially good that day because he had his hair pushed back out of his face. He would only do that every once and a while, and I absolutely loved it when he did. I never told him that I thought he was irresistible when he did that with his hair because I didn’t want him to do it all the time. I liked to think of it as a treat. You can’t let a kitten have catnip every day, right?

Sehun and Luhan both greeted me, but Kai was so in his own world he didn’t even notice me. Sehun was about to call his name to snap him out of his thoughts but I shook my head at him. “Wait.” I said, holding up one finger. Sehun did as told, keeping quiet as I looked around to check if there was anyone there, and to my luck, we were the only ones in the building.

I stepped closer to him, putting one of my legs between his and tilted my head to the side as I pressed my lips on his. He was startled by my sudden kiss and I pulled away just in time to see his expression. He had no idea what was going on. Luhan gave a giggle and I tried to hold in my smile. His reaction was just too cute. When he finally realized what happened he gave a smile. He reached out to me and gripped my shirt, pulling me closer to him. “My turn” He mumbled, just before planting a kiss on me.

“Get a room!” Sehun jokingly said to us, making Kai laugh into the kiss. I broke away from him and turned my face so he wouldn’t see me blushing. I had completely forgotten they were even there. Even though it was only Luhan and Sehun, I still felt really embarrassed to be kissing in front of them. Kai knew why I was suddenly all shy and he thought it was funny. He ruffled my hair and slung his arm around my shoulders as we walked back to the dorms.

I noticed he was a lot more intimate with me than usual. As we were walking back, he would place random kisses on my cheek and play with my hair. I think he purposely stayed a couple of paces behind the other two so he could touch me without me getting embarrassed. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him staring intently at me, which made me feel extremely self-conscious.

A corner was coming up in front of us and the other two took it but before we could, Kai held my chin and turned my face towards his. He gave his lips a small just before pressing them onto mine. I could’ve sworn there was something different about the look in his eyes just before he kissed me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. My mind was so fogged up by his soft lips; I couldn’t think straight. I let him kiss me until I couldn’t breathe. The kiss made me so dizzy that when he pulled away, I tripped onto him a little. Good thing he was there to support me.

We finally got to the room and he took me to the bed. He got on top of me and positioned himself so that my hips were between his knees. He held both my wrists over my head in one of his hands, pinning them to the bed. He leaned down and kissed me, while his free was slowly going up my stomach to my chest, sliding the shirt up. He pulled away to get my shirt completely off.

After successfully removing my shirt, he brought his lips down to my cheek. “I love you” He muttered and I couldn’t help but notice something strange about his voice, or maybe it was the tone in his voice. Something is different. He ran both his hands over my shirtless body and dragged his lips to my neck. “I love you” He repeated. Something is definitely different. His voice was normal, but something was off. He got done kissing my neck then came back to my lips. “I love you” He said one last time before kissing me and that was the one that made me realize what was wrong. Pain. That’s what it is. There’s pain in his voice. Come to think of it, that’s probably what I saw in his eyes before he kissed me on our way back to the room earlier.

Of course, the very first thing what went through my mind was: He must be thinking about how he’s going to leave soon. But my gut was telling me that wasn’t it. We had talked about how he was going to go, and decided we weren’t going to think about it until the time came; we didn’t want to drive ourselves crazy worrying about the day he was leaving. Then what’s bothering him?

I turned my face to the side, breaking the kiss, but he just continued to kiss my cheek and neck. “Kai, Wait” I said. He tore his lips away from me and gave a confused expression. I sat up under him before I continued speaking. “What’s the matter? What are you thinking about?” I asked, trying to sound as caring as I could. He immediately looked away, confirming my gut feeling. There is definitely something wrong.

He got off me and gave me his back. I knew he must have been very upset, because usually when there was something wrong he would try to deny it. This time he was just keeping quiet. “Kai, whatever it is, you can tell me. It’s alrigh-”

“NO IT’S NOT ALRIGHT!” He yelled, making me jump a little. There was something very wrong. It was not that he never yelled, he just never yelled at me.

“Is this about you leaving? Is that’s why you are upset?” I asked, desperate to make him feel better.

He dug his face in his hands and shook his head “No, no, no! That’s not why!” He said, getting irritated. I didn’t know what was distressing him, but I was obviously not helping by trying to get him to talk about it. I got off the bed. “I’ll just go. You look like you want to be alo-”

“NO!” He yelled, taking his face out of his hands to look at me. His eyes were full of pain and he seemed so very troubled. He cleared his throat and looked down at his hands. “Please, don’t go.” He begged in a voice that was barely audible. What is going on in your head? I didn’t know what to do, so I just stayed where I was.

He looked up at me, and the guilt was written all over his face. He probably felt bad about yelling at me. “I'm sorry, I just..” He trailed off. I went and sat beside him. “It’s OK.” I said, not sure what else to say. He scooted closer to me, and it kind of reminded me of a little child. He threw his arms around me and pulled me close to him. He put his face on the side of mine and since he was sitting beside me, his forehead was pressed against my temple. “I'm sorry” He repeated in a mutter, sounding completely agonized.

“Don’t be. It’s fine if you don’t want to talk, I understand.” I said, hoping it would comfort him. He lightly kissed my ear. “I really love you” He said in the saddest voice I ever heard. It broke my heart to see him like that. I turned my face towards his and kissed him. “I really love you too” I said after pulling away. We stayed like that for a while. It was comforting, yet I couldn’t help but worry about him. What is it that is tormenting you so much?

The next day, I went to Sehun’s room before Kai woke up. It was around 11:30AM; since it was the weekend everyone was sleeping in. I had to knock on the door a couple of times before getting an answer. Sehun opened it. His hair was messy and he was in nothing but his boxers. “Yeah?” He asked in his sleepy voice and squinted eyes.

“Sorry to wake you, but I really want to talk to you about something” I replied, trying to make it sound urgent. He hesitated then eventually he went back into the room, leaving the door open. I peeked inside and saw Luhan fast asleep in his bed. Sehun nudged him a little to wake him up and whispered something to him. Luhan gave a tiny nod back then closed his eyes again. Sehun threw on Jeans, a T-shirt and socks. He came out holding his converse in his hands. “Let’s walk and talk” He suggested, closing the room door behind him.

He slipped on his shoes, not bothering to tie the laces, and we started walking down the hall, heading nowhere in particular. He had his hands in his pockets. “So what did you want to talk about?” He asked, breaking the silence.

“It’s about Kai.”

“OK, shoot” He said, encouraging me to continue.

“He’s acting really weird. He is super upset about something, but I just don’t know what it is. I tried asking but he did not want to talk about it,” I began.

“Well, isn’t he leaving in two days? That’s probably why..” He suggested, looking a little confused. He probably thought that was the most obvious answer.

“I asked him if it’s because he’s leaving and he said that’s not the reason. But he wouldn’t tell me what the actual reason was.” I explained. He nodded but he was still looking confused about something

“So.. did you want advice from me or something..? Because, I'm not all that smart when it comes to-”

“I want you to talk to him.” I interrupted him, explaining why I wanted to talk.

He was probably contemplating what I had just said, so I decided to add on to it so it would make more sense. “Just talk to him and try to find out what’s wrong. He will probably tell you to keep it a secret from me because he doesn’t want me to worry, and that’s fine. You don’t have to tell me. I just think he needs someone to talk to so he can feel better. Please?”

Sehun kept quiet, and I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. “OK” He finally replied. A big smile grew on my face and I jumped up and hugged him. “Thank you Sehun. You're a great friend!” I cheered and when I pulled away from the hug I saw him smiling.

I thanked him about five more times before letting him go back to his room. I headed back to Kai’s room in a good mood, knowing that Sehun was going to talk to him later. I opened the door quietly, but there was no point in doing that because Kai wasn’t asleep. It looked like he had literally just woken up. He was sitting cross-legged on the bed, back against the headboard, rubbing his eyes.

“I woke up and you were gone” He muttered in a raspy, sleepy voice. He held his arms out, gesturing for a hug. I kicked my shoes off and hopped onto the bed, into his open arms. “Sorry about that” I said then snuggled up close and let him wrap his arms around me. He kissed my head. “I love you” He said, with that same tone as the day before. Why was he saying it out of the blue like that? Why is there still that hint of pain in his voice? I just grit my teeth, trying to mask the pain I was beginning to feel. It hurt me to see Kai like that.

“Hey,” He said, clasping my face and tilting it up so he could look in my eyes. “I love you” He repeated. I was a little confused then I realized that he was waiting for an answer. I didn’t say it back. I nodded and forced a smile, not because I didn’t want to say it, but because I couldn’t bring myself to speak at all.

He was taken aback by what I did. “What’s wrong?” He asked, half concerned half confused. “That’s what I should be asking you!” I blurted in a yell then immediately cupped my mouth. Dammit, I didn’t mean to say that. I didn’t want to force him to talk about it. I didn’t want to remind him of the day before when he was sad.

He took his arms from around me and got off the bed. He stood with his back against the wall. Oh no, he’s getting upset again. His eyes were glued to the floor and his arms were crossed. I know I asked Sehun to talk to him, but I just can’t leave things like this. I love you too.” I said hoping it would make things better, but there was no reply. He didn’t move. “Kai, please, just tell me. What’s wrong?” I asked, giving it one last shot. “We are!” He quickly yelled, shutting his eyes tight.

It took me a while to process it. “W-what?” Did he really just say that? I was extremely confused. “We are wrong!” He yelled, confirming the words that I had hoped I heard wrong. “I don’t understand..” I said, in both distress and confusion. What’s going on?

“I can’t be in this relationship anymore!” He yelled, clarifying things. It had felt like someone gripped my heart and twisted it until it ripped apart. “You're.. breaking up with me..?” I asked, in complete misery. My voice was small because it hurt so much to talk. He looked down at the floor. “Yes, I am.” He said. The regret and guilt was already showing in his voice.

I don’t get it. The pain started to mix up with another emotion: Anger. I started to feel very angry. “Just a second ago you were hugging me, telling me you love me! What the hell happened to that?!” I asked in a yell. I was absolutely infuriated. It only worsened when he didn’t answer. I was so furious; it was hard to breathe. “WHAT HAPPENED?!” I repeated even louder, now trying to hold back the tears. “EVERYTHING HAPPENED!” He said back, we were both screaming now.

Everything..? What does that mean?!  I couldn’t begin to explain all the things I was feeling. Angry, hurt, confused. I lost all sense of reason I had, speaking without control over myself. “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU CONFESSED TO ME! YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU MORE THAN I HAVE EVER LOVED BEFORE AND NOW YOU’RE DOING THIS!” I screeched. The tears ran down my cheeks, and I couldn’t stop my shoulders and from shaking. He covered his ears and slid his back down the wall, sitting on the floor. He shut his eyes tightly, but I could still see the tears spilling onto his lashes. “Just leave” He muttered, his voice full of agony. It was another stab to my chest. What? I just stared at him with wide, teary eyes, too shocked and in pain to even breathe. “GET OUT!” He repeated, screaming at the top of his lungs as the tears fell down his face. His message was finally received.

I quietly got off his bed, picked my shoes up and left his room, closing the door behind me. I felt so numb, like I wasn’t in control, like I was watching myself from outside of my body. I got to my room and fell onto my bed. What did I do wrong? Why did this happen? Why? I curled into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest in hopes that it would relieve some of the pain. It didn’t help, but I stayed like that, crying until I couldn’t feel anything anymore.