Daehyun 

+ + +

    As soon as I made it to the corner of the street I felt my feet take off in a run. I couldn’t look back at him, the expression on his face was enough to tear me to pieces once… My heart pounded in my chest and I blinke, trying to shake away the image of his terrified eyes. How could I let this happen? I began to shake. What have I done? 

    I felt my knees weaken and my breaths begin to constrict so I turned into a back alley, slamming back against the cold, rough, brick wall. I clenched my shirt pulling it from my chest as if it would give me more room to breath, but all I could feel was Jongup's fingers curling around the fabric. My chest was closing up and I gasped. I felt with each attempt that I was just drowning more while the panic took over every inch of me. How can you go back now? He’ll never want to see your face. And what will your hyungs think when he tells them? I felt myself getting light headed as the hyperventilation didn’t let up. I imagined their reactions, the disgusting tastes that would form in their mouths when they discovered what I was...

    “” The voice of that man found me now and I had to brace myself as my cheek prickled, remembering the pain that would always come after it when he smacked me up side the head - once so hard that I fell down the stairs in our house and no one bothered to come from their safe bedrooms to stop him. “You are not my son”.  I was then saved for a moment by the thought of Jongup, standing in the middle of the street, his cheeks rosy and his hair a mess. His eyes that would go wide as an owl’s only around me. I loved teasing him just so that I could see that pabo face. I thought of the early mornings and late nights, all of the endless laughs. I thought of the way he danced… how it felt when we did it together.. Then I crashed as I was brought back to the moment where he shoved me away in the club, his eyes burning straight into my soul and I felt the breath finally hitch in my throat. “I’m serious”, he had spat. I felt my eyes burn like fire as they flooded and I finally broke, sliding to the ground. He didn’t want me then, how could he stand me now? 

    A hiccup escaped my throat and in defeat, I buried my face into my knees, shameful sobs rumbling my whole chest. I wasn’t even imagining anyone around or passing by on the street who might see me this way. What did it matter? I’ll have to leave BAP. I panicked, unable to make it stop. I’ll have to disappear. Memories of that day three years ago filled my head again. I had worked so hard every day to make them stop. It had been so long now since they haunted me but the flood gates were shattered and every feeling of rejection was brought back and doubled. “Hyunggie don’t go!” my younger brother had pleaded with me as I stood in the doorway, only a backpack holding all of the belongings I would ever need. “Please!” I left him standing there, without saying goodbye because I couldn’t bear to look back. I would do the same thing to Jongup. But in this case, he’d be glad for it. 

Zelo

+ + +

    Somehow it felt awkward to be getting brunch at the café where Bang Hyung and I would go nearly every sunday after a show. My croissant sat for a while as I sipped my green tea, watching him scarf down his egg bacon and cheese with no remorse. He didn’t bother speaking either, he just simply scribbled in his notepad, a small ringed one that he often kept with him even if it was in his pocket. His hair had curled this morning as he didn’t have time to mess with it, I’d assumed because of what happened earlier. It went from straight and spiked when it was styled to soft and wavy, almost bouncy when it was dry. Maybe it was uncomfortable because this had actually turned into a punishment - which felt really unfair.. 

I played with my straw feeling as though taking in the way he looked gave me some sort of relief. My eyes trailed from the curls down to the bridge of his nose as they tickled it then to the bow in his lips. I paused there. Bang Hyung looked a lot different from any of the other guys he knew. He just looked… better. My train of though crashed when he shot me a glance and my throat closed. 

“Mogeo” He said and I blinked back to my now cold croissant. I picked it up and quietly began feeding it to myself while feeling more disturbed by the thoughts that were going through my head than the situation. 

Finally it was over, Yongguk Hyung paid for the check and we walked silently over to the practice room. I instantly thought of Hwajae-ssi again. There were remnants of the night she’d just spent here scattered a bit, making the pit of my stomach burn but when but then I noticed Jongup, I was surprised to see that he was only now arriving as well. It was very unusual of him and I was completely distracted.
    “Jonguppie” I called to him, leaving the awkwardness of Yongguk Hyung to the other side of the room. “Gwenchana?” I asked him more softly as I approached. I didn’t mean to be so forward but worrying about someone else’s issues was a perfect way to distract form my own and I did truly care. 

“Ne” He gave a half assed smile but it wasn’t like he didn’t try. I furrowed my brows wondering why but I couldn’t press him about it, Youngjae and HImchan hyungs began to arrive and I would need to warm up. Still, I gave him a concerned glance and he avoided my eyes, a faint flush to his cheeks. I couldn’t tell if he seemed flustered or just sick. He continued to look this way for a long while until Himchan finally spoke up. 

“If Daehyun isn’t going to show up, we should just start already.” He spat in frustration. I noticed it had been almost a half hour. I was about to take my eyes away from Jongup hyung to see Yongguk’s expression but in that moment I caught him flinching. I couldn’t look away.. What was that about? His his response to Daehyun’s name was the only inkling he’d given and I couldn’t imagine why. Was it bad? I finally scrolled over to silently, dipping my head as I stretched for my foot. Those full lips pressing together as he scowlend out the window. Great, as if he could get in a worse mood.. Now I have to train with him all day. 

“Ne,” He bellowed after considerable thought. “Lets start already.” His tone was a bit scary and all the friction in the room settled into my stomach. What else could go wrong today...

Mijun

+ + +

    I still felt as though there was steam coming from my ears as I stomped down the sidewalk not knowing exactly where I was but only that I was headed in the right direction. I was furious at that cocky oaf for ruining my practice plans and for trying to tell me to stay away from Zelo. There wasn’t anything wrong with us being friends.. was there? What the . 

    I came to another street corner and sighed in distress as I realized I’d have to walk all the way to one of my friend’s neighborhoods so that Sunggyu could pick me up. It was Sunday afternoon I could tell him I’d changed plans… but would he believe me? At that moment, a strange noise caught my ear and I cocked my head in order to catch it again. It sounded like a cry. Like a sob. Slowly I edged around the alley corner to find a boy a little older than me hunched over on the ground. I hesitated thinking that I didn’t have time to get involved. But he looked just about as misplaced as I did on this side of town and my heart wrenched a bit when I heard his cry and saw his fingers clench around his sleeves as another shudder of pain washed through him. .. 

    “Um, hey” I said uncomfortably, trying to sound friendly as I cautiously approached him. He didn’t look up from his knees, instead his shoulders tensed and I bit my lip instinctually slipping my backpack from my shoulder and zipping it open, watching him as he kept his face concealed. He was trying to control his cries but he couldn’t hide the hitching in his labored breath. 

    “Here…” I carefully placed a hand on his shoulder so he might actually lift his head and I offered a small bottle of lavender oil. “Just hold it under your nose and try to relax.” He slowly looked up and when we met each other’s eyes, both of us blinked in slight shock. I recognized him from BAP. How convenient.. I’m sure he recognized me as easily. After a moment of awkwardness, I insisted. Shamefully, he reached out to take it and brought it to his nose like I instructed. His puffy eyes closed and I watched as he focused on his breathing. Slowly and shakily it began to normalize. 

    “My brother used to have panic attacks” I told him, not really understanding why I was helping him in the first place. “When our parents died..” I gave a crooked insincere smile, looking away from him. It was much more difficult to say than I had thought it might be in the moments just before. 

    “I’m sorry” He said after a long moment of digestion and recuperation. “Makes my issues seem small.” I decided to take a seat next to him and leaned back against the brick wall. 

    “Ani.” I answered, “Everyone has different hardships but they are hard all the same." We sat in silence for a few more moments, unable to look at each other but more comfortable than before. Eventually he turned his face away so I wouldn't look at him and handed back the lavender. 

    "Gamsahabnida," He thanked. "I have to get out of this town." I blinked, actually curious now. I watched as he pulled himself from the ground and followed, taking in his slim frame gracefully draped with loose clothing: a long white t-shirt and Grey baggy sweatpants. He looked a bit like he just woke up.     

"What about BAP?" I blurted out standing in the middle of the way. He paused, shaking his head and I felt the angst seep from him, crawling straight across the ground and up my legs. “Well,” I tacked on just to bridge the gap and keep him from leaving just yet. “Whatever it is, its not worth it.” I said blatantly. I didn’t have a reason to care, If BAP lost their power-vocalist, especially being the first to know? I would have a great opportunity to surpass them, but that’s not what it was about for me, just winning. I wanted to make my family proud by accomplishing the dreams that my brother never achieved and my parents will never see him achieve. I know they’re watching me and rooting for me.. So it struck me in some kind of way. 

He turned slightly to meet my eyes, a furrowed expression. “Not worth what?” He finally answered. 

“Everything..” I answered, a grin breaking on my face as I let out an exasperated chuckle. “Everything you’ve ever wanted.” That’s what top of the board at Off Beat meant to me, it could take me to where I wanted to go and beyond. But BAP is right there.. And he’s about to give that up? I couldn’t imagine it. 

I didn’t hear him say another word; he dropped his gaze and gave a look that was something like fear but, also regret. The then continued on down the alleyway and eventually out of sight. I stood there for a breath or two longer, slightly taken aback by what I’d witnessed. Was this serious? The entire way home in fact, I couldn’t get it out of my head. What does this actually mean for me? I wonder how zelo will feel … and Yongguk. 

Korean Context-

Gwenchana = You okay? 

Mogeo = Eat

Saranghae, Baby~