Zayaan and I walk back into Arhaam's dorm casually as if nothing happened.  

I like usual use the bathroom and we hop back into bed and continue watching 50 shades of gray.

At one point, a lot of Andrew's friends leave and it is just Zayaan, Arhaam, and I in the room.

Then Zayaan and I end up going to the bathroom again, drunk as hell. Zayaan says, "You never play with me. I don't know if your shy or what".

"Oh, you want me to?" I say, knowing what he is referring to.

"Yeah, if you want".

"Okay" he says and then he s his pants and starts pulling them down.  I am on the bathroom floor drunk as hell and not sure what I am doing. I hold onto his legs, look up at him and then put my lips on his private area. Then I take his whole private area into my mouth while looking up at him innocently and take his in and out of my mouth while he watches and looks down at me. He takes my hair and ties it up with his hand. As he leans back on the sink I keep going down on him. I feel so small and it feels like he is a king on top of me looking down. I respect him a lot at this point and don't mind doing something subservient like this. I just wanna please him and make him feel good because he is my first and I am his first and he treats me well. He deserves it for committing to me. He is mine and I am his and we both are meant for each other. He is my special one and I am his special one <3 and we are meant to last forever <3

While we are having an intimate moment with me him off, all of a sudden my boyfriend Zayaan pulls me up while pulling up his pants. He pulls my arm up which takes the rest of the body with me. I am confused and drunk as hell so I never noticed that his friend just walked into the bathroom. I am freaking out right now.

"She's giving you head over your pants?" he says something like that. I guess he didn't see what just happened? Later on Zayaan tells me that he didn't see and that he pulled me up just in time before he got a chance to see me actually his . Wow that was good reflexes of him. I guess he is more sober than I am because I was too drunk to ever notice anyone walking in on us the first time we attempted having today and then giving head. Seems like people are walking in on us a lot! I don't know how to feel about this. Should I feel embarrassed? 

Arhaam walks into the bathroom as Zayaan and I run out hand in hand. Then Arhama shuts the bathroom. Zayaan says that I can go on the bed in the back which I didn't realize was Arhaam's bed.  I go on it and lay down.

Zayaan is doing something while I lay in bed drunk. When Arhaam comes out, he sees me on his bed and then says, "Wow you think you can just go on my bed huh" yelling. I feel intimidated. I didn't realize that this was his bed! And that he wouldn't be happy about me on it. Why did Zayaan tell me to go on Arhaam's bed then.

Then Zayaan joins me. We are cuddling together and making out, drunk and in love. Then Arhaam comes out and picks up my shoes.

"What are these? Shoes or are these mittens?!" Arhaam is roasting my shoes that I got from H&M. I am drunk and am just smiling at him awkwardly.

Then Arhaam adds on, "Don't take it seriously. I am just joking!"

"Okay" I say with a smile but it kind of hurts a little inside. I should have worn actual sneakers.

I don't know where Karim went. Soon enough his friends come back and we are all together again.

"Are you hungry?" Zayaan asks me.

"Yes" I say shyly.

"Okay" he says and grabs a packet of ramen and starts making me ramen noodles in a bowl somehow. I don't know why but the way he makes ramen noodles tastes so good. He puts the siracha in the microwave and waits for it to heat up.

"Have you had ramen with saracha before?" Zayaan asks.

"No" I say not knowing what saracha is. I think I heard of saracha before from the Bengali minder guy I spoke to months ago who used it on his hot dog I think.

"Wow really, you gotta try saracha!" Zayaan says.

"It might be too hot for her " Karim says.

"Ji Eun is Bengali. It won't be too hot for her" Zayaan says. Awe he knows me so well. He already understands my culture somehow and that in my culture we eat spicy food and can handle it. Did he assume or did he have bengali friends already?

I remember once we had a conversation and he told me "Learn how to make some bengali food from your mom. Get her recipes". I found it cute at the time but looking back, it feels a little misogynistic. Why was he expecting me to know how to cook? He said I did not have to and that he would do all the cooking but maybe he was being fake and expected me to cook.

"Have you had Bengali food before?"

"Yes" Zayaan said.

"How? I thought you said that you don't know anyone Bengali?

"Oh sorry, I actually do" he says.

Wow why was he acting like he didn't know anyone Bengali before but now he is saying he even ate Bengali food before. He made a face and acted like it was weird or unfamiliar when I asked him if he knew anyone Bengali. Maybe he just wasnt paying attention.

Maybe our cultures are more similar than I thought. I didn't think it would be that similar since he is Guyanese from the Carribeans and I am not. But we are both brown at the end of the day. Maybe the Guyanese retained more of their South Asian culture and religion more than I thought.

Zayaan takes the siracha and pours it into my ramen and mixes it in. Then he carries the Siracha over to me. Arhaam is watching him do all this, make the siracha and bring it over to me and I feel like he's secretly judging. That Zayan is catering to me instead of me to him.

I take a bite while Zayaan and Karim wait in anticipation to see my reaction to the siracha mixed ramen. 

"Do you like it?" Karim asks.

"Yeah it tastes good!" I say.

"Is it spicy?" Karim asks.

I shake my head. "No its fine"

"See I told you that she can handle spicy".

The noodles taste delicious especially when I am so hungry. I eat and slurp it all up.

Once I am done I ask Zayaan, "Where do I put it?" 

"Just leave it. I will put it away" Zayaan says. I feel like Arhaam is judging me again. That I am not even putting away my bowl.

Zayaan drags me away to the lounge again. We are making out and before we know it, he has me pull down my leggings and his pants are pulled down as well. I am on the couch with him standing up. The buzz of the drinks have gone away for the most part at this point. He is prepared this time. He has Karim's lube with him. He opens the lid and pours some lub on his hand. 

"Spread your legs open," he says. Then he takes the lube and puts some on his and then rubs it onto my for me. This feels a little awkward how he is just putting lube so comfortable on top of his and my but it's kind of funny. 

Then he puts his in and it manages to make it into my entire . Not just the front this time. His  makes it all the way into the rest of the tunnel in my . I lay back on the sofa as he goes in and out like last time, concentrated on breaking into me this time. He broke into me last time too but this time it felt more official since it went all the way in. I was surprised it did but looking back on it, I think that it was the lube that helped.

I just lay back and take it with a struggle, hurting but the lube easing the hurt and making it smoother. He goes in and out, looking down there but then also kissing me. I feel kind of chubby since I just ate that whole bowl of ramen by myself and it gave me a bit of a food belly. 

Once he is done, he cums on my inner thigh private area.

I am shocked by what just happened. "So we're not s anymore?"'

He looks up deep into my eyes with a serious face and says "You're not a anymore". That really bothers me and it makes my face fall. Why did he only refer to me when he said I am not a anymore and not us?? But it was too late. By this point, I had already lost it to him... So I had to make things work and I was already attached and it was then I let myself give in to him, fall into this downward spiral because I was already in too deep, having had with him for my first time, I was head over heels in love with him. There was no looking back or not. I had to brush that off and just believe he was telling the truth because it was too late anyway for me to think about it and get out before it was too late.

But if he lost his ity to that day, would he have not said 'we are not s anymore' so why did he just mention me... And the fact that later on he didn't even seem so excited about it or talk about it excitedly... It made me really question things. I still wonder to this day what the truth was because why else would he keep insisting that he was a even after we broke up? If he had no reason to since we were broken up already and he claimed that he did not want to be with me anymore anyway.

Looking back I wonder if maybe even though we had our first times with each other and he was telling the truth, he needed to mature and have another ed up relationship and get burned before he could appreciate me properly.

I was flustered because there was all over my thigh and private area. "What do I do?" I say not knowing what to do.  Zayaan helps me stand up and then pulls my leggings over my private area and which I appreciate. I think my leggings were not even on all the way, but Zayaan's shirt was covering the private area and it looked like it was on but it wasn't.  It feels so awkward walking to Arhaam's dorm with everywhere inside my . It is funny because Zayaan and I awkwardly walk with him holding me to Arhaam's bathroom. I think that Zayaan knows how awkward it feels for me because he knows its awkward too knowing there's all over me. Zayaan keeps me covered though as we walk.

Once we get inside the bathroom, Zayaan pulls down my pants and then takes baby wipes and wipes me clean down there, free of the .  Then he helps put my leggings back on. I feel like a kid as he does this. 

We walk back out into the room as if nothing happened.

We then take a nap together. I feel so safe and comfortable in his arms... I always get scared that after having he won't want me anymore but that hasn't been the case. He always cuddles me and talks sweetly to me afterewards. He makes me feel secure and not alone. It feels like nothing can go wrong and we are meant to be forever.

It starts to get late and we realize we have to get ready to go home. I remember that last time we came, Zayaan had me leave in one of his sweaters since it got cold. I made sure to leave it on the bed for him.

We put our shoes on and start heading out to the car.

On the way home, I just can not let myself go of Zayaan. He is in the front seat driving us home with Karim on the side.

I have my arms wrapped around him while he is driving which I do not know if this is the safest thing to do.

Karim just stares, interested in what I am doing. I think he can tell that I am really clingy and into Zayaan.

Once the car stops and we are in front of the train station, we get out of the car, and now I, feeling more comfortable with Karim, wave goodbye and say bye at the same time while holding Zayaan's hand.

Parting with Zayaan always feels bittersweet since I do not want to let him go :(