Happiness is a decision. My whole life, I have always found a reason to be unhappy. Slowly, I am realizing that it is up to me to seize happiness myself, to choose to be happy, and to not let it depend on some guy, or how a relationship is going and to be grateful for the many blessings that I have. My parents, my education, my youth and my health, and my lovely boyfriend who I take for granted all the time.

Let us rewind to how I got here. 2016. “Ji-eun, I feel sad too. I just failed my road test. Want to meet up?” my childhood friend Jong-up insisted.

I was tired and having a bad day too. I had showed up late for an exam and god knows how I did on it. “I don’t really want to.”

“Come on. I will buy you a dunkin donuts drink.” I left him on seen and nodded off. 

I woke up to a bunch of texts from him. “Hey, I am by your house! Get out!” I did not want to meet up with him yet part of me did. I was weak when it came to him. God knows why because he was horrible. He treated me like yet I was so attached to him because I shared my deepest secrets and thoughts and feelings with him.

“Fine but you can not touch me.” We meet up at the dunkin donuts around my house. I have not seen him in years since tenth grade when he ghosted me, badly hurting my feelings after I had my first physical experimentation with a boy as a teenager. I went down on him and I regretted, feeling very cheap and hurt when he did not appreciate it and only ghosted me instead.

Seeing Jong Up after so long was awkward. “Hey I like that dress that your wearing” he complimented me.

“Thanks” I could hardly even look at him even though he bought me my drink. We walked out with our drinks.

Jong up and I walked our usual path, with me scared that someone would see us. I covered up from head to toe, hoping that would be enough for him to not touch me but he made me sit on a bench with him and started making moves anyways, grabbing one of my s. “Hey stop!” but he kept making moves anyways and kissed me out of nowhere. My first kiss! I was reluctant but at the same time curious and let him keep going, only to feel horrible about it later on. Now I know what your thinking. First kiss but I already gave oral before? Well. He refused to let me kiss him and only let me go down on him instead back in 2014, when I was 16. Yes, that is how messed up things were. All I wanted was some affection but I got nothing out of it. Nothing. It was one sided pleasure. He would not even be willing to even give me a hug, even after I went down on him because he promised he would give me a hug at the end of it.

That is how desperate for affection I was back then. I can not believe I went through such dark times but I didn't know better. I did not realize that there would be many guys out there desiring to treat me well. I thought that this was basically the norm. 

I ended up stopping talking to him for good after 2014 because I could not deal with the neglect and manipulation anymore but here I was again 2 years later, thinking I had come up strong from all that, at his manipulation again.