Hi everyone ^_^....yeah finally this little chapter =D I hope all of you will enjoy it :)

Please comment...on everything you like or dislike ^^

"and then a... kiss"  that's the main change in this chapter :P have a good time ;)

[Flash back ]

“Your father?!” The psychologist asked in disbelieve

“Unfortunately…” Jaejoong said

“Then, I have to talk to Junsu first…”

“I know…that’s why I asked you…if there is a probability for…you know…split personality”

“Your concern is very logical, although I didn’t see any symptoms for this kind of diseases the last time I saw him. Maybe you have noticed that his mood changes so fast and that’s why you are asking me, isn’t it?”

“Indeed, doctor…he can be very sad then turn so fast to be happy and vise-versa…I am not sure”

“Okay…I’ll talk to him and know…but, I want to ask you, um…what kind of relationship do you have: the two of you?”

“umm…maybe friendship”

“close?”

“quiet…”

“I see…when did you met the first time?”

“I was sixteen back then. Junsu…I think was fourteen or twelve, I don’t know really. He was so little and so cute. He didn’t change that much except for the joyful aura that surrounds him at that time. My father lost what he has and was engaged with the mafia with his friend as I heard. He drank too much and get into problems. Our life changed a lot, from the nice villa to a popular crowded quarter. All my peers at high school bullied me because of his continuous problems and I got really mad. That day, a bench of boys gathered and beat me up really hard while I was on my home. They were told to do so to get some money. My friend’s father was behind the whole thing I guess. I got mad and depressed and I tried to walk at home, but I found myself crying on a street corner, not able to stand and so ashamed and offended…Junsu was running, but he stopped when he saw me. He came to me and asked me if I was all right…and this is how we met…Actually, I knew him before. We were at the same Junior school;  I have seen him many times playing soccer with his friends. He was really clumsy; I have seen him falling down many times…anyway…this is how we met”

[End of flashback]

Jaejoong POV

I stopped the car waiting for the green light to show…I am really afraid that Junsu would have a double feeling about me…There is only a thin line between love and hate, and I didn’t know that my father did what he did with such…horrible manner…I am sure it is so hard for Junsu to forget about those things and to see me as a separate person from the whole mess…damn!

No one POV

“Mister Yoong!” Junsu exclaimed with a smile

“Hey! How are you doing? You thought that I have forgotten you like you did!” the doctor said as he entered the room

“It is so mean from you to say this…I didn’t…it is just life”

“Yeah…I am mad at you!”

“I know Yoog-shi” Junsu confirmed sweetly

“I heard you had a new friend…congrat!” the doctor took a sit

“I see that my two doctors can’t hide things from each other…ever”

“true…” and he laughed widely

“So how is he…tell me!”

“He is nice and very kind. He cares a lot for me…even babying me a little” Junsu chuckled

“and you love it, don’t you?” The doctor laughed again

“yes of course I do…who does not?”

“and?...”

“that’s it…”

“Someone reported to me that you are very close…and that you even let down some of your rules” the doctor teased with a playful smile. Junsu giggled shyly at the term,

“and that someone is right…you’ve done so much gossiping, didn’t you?”

“of course…I am your doctor”

“ah…Jaejoong is not like anyone…I can feel secured with him…that’s why I let down my rules as you call it”

“even touching rules Su? Is he really that gorgeous to deserve that much trust?”

“…Definitely…”

“This is more than friendship Junsu! How could he make you trust him so easily?”

“Because he is pure hearted…he is a good person”

“what about his father?”

“I…I…don’t care…this was his father not him”

“I see…your state looks much better now. I am glade that you could do this much on your own”

“I am amazed myself Doctor…it is a big change”

“happy for you…finally you can interact normally with people…even if you didn’t finish your psychological treatment yet”

“Thank you…I think I am fine…but I may continue it”

“That would be my pleasure Su…you know that”

“yep…thanks”

“Junsu…umm…do you…I mean…do you feel comfortable with Jaejoong even if he gets too close to you? Are you sure?”

“…yes I guess…he is so touchy you know…but he does it innocently, that’s why it does not bother me, why all these questions?”

“what if…he does not do it innocently?”

“what do you mean Yoong-shi?”

“I mean…what if…he actually wants to get closer to you…”

“Is this a problem?”

“I think you didn’t understand me well…I meant…what if he had a feeling for you? Not a friendly love I mean”

“what?!...do you want to say that…Jaejoong…NO! he is not like that…he does not think this way!”

“Take it easy Junsu…it is not like if I said he is a bad person or something, but people love and get into relationships…that’s normal”

“yes you’re right…and I know the kind of relationship I have with my friend”

“Are you sure Junsu-ya? What if he was in love with you? Would you accept it or lose him?”

This question shocked Junsu like a slap. Then he gathered his pieces to say, this time less firmly,

“Jaejoong is not like this Yoong-shi…he won’t let me down even if I reject him-if what you said was true- he is a true friend, and a true friend does not do that”

“but you would hurt him…”

“Yoong-shi…just tell me…what is the difference between friendly- or brotherly- love and the love you meant?”

“a lot of things…”

“?” Yoong was shocked at the easy way with which Junsu said the word, it was not the case for him some time ago, but he tried to save his calm face,

“that’s one thing”

“No…that’s the only thing that makes a difference between the two”

“let’s say so…then?”

“what is that much important about so that Jaejoong would be so hurt if I reject him the way you said? All the other factors of love will remain and he knows that…does only makes such a difference? Would it weaken what we feel about each others that much?”

“it can Junsu….This is how humans are made”

Junsu got frustrated and marques of panic started to show; it still a delicate topic for him, the doctor said. Maybe he shouldn’t have rushed him that much. As the smaller man started to grab nervously parts of his blanket, memories have exploded in his brain like a bomb, and his words ran like a river, heavy and shacked by his sobs… “Just tell me what is that much good about ing and being ed?! What does do that good for God’s sake!? only makes people suffer! It makes them scream; it makes them cry; it makes them sad; it makes them hate their lives; it makes them suicide, it makes them hurt; it makes them bleed! it makes them die! It makes them feel unsure and scared! …that’s what it does”

“Junsu (the doctor stayed calm) this only happens when people are forced into it, not when they do it for their own pleasure…”

“Just stop it, will you?! What pleasure are you talking about?! That pleasure that my sister felt?! The pleasure that I felt seeing her like that? Or the pleasure of that man!? Do screams and cries makes you, men, feel pleased? Does biting your victims until blood gets out makes you feel pleased?! Those are just monsters, that’s what they are! And if you think like that that means you are one of them too!...”

“Junsu…don’t get that furious…I told you, it is harmful and hard when people are forced to it…but haven’t you ever seen couples on the street walking happily hand by hand? Does that mean that it hurts them? If it does, they won’t look that happy? Didn’t you see married couple so happy to have a child, miss each other and rush to hug each other in the airport? Do you think that all those people feel hurt when they do it?”

Junsu calmed a little, maybe of tiredness. The only sentence that got from his mouth was,

“Get out of my room…leave me alone”

“You can see the truth, don’t you? You can see that I am right”

“Get out…”

“You know it…you just don’t want to change your mind”

“I said get out and leave me alone…all what you speak is non-sense! I don’t know why people stay married but what I know is that hurts even those! I don’t know how many times I saw mother and father hugging and caring for each other, but all I hear from their bedroom is my mother’s screams…her cries…why?! Do you know why?! Can you explain it?! My brother also…isn’t he married?! When he gets so excited and corners his wife somewhere to kiss her…The only thing I see on her face is fear! Why!? This is pleasure for you?! This is what pleasure looks like? And when he leaves the next morning, I see her crying silently in the kitchen, is that the results of the pleasing of yours? Let’s leave women apart…my other brother and his boyfriend…the poor guy always had marks all over his skin…and it hurts him…he even had a panic attack one day…is that what you call happiness between couples? They look happy on the front, but when you get inside you can see how much they are suffering! only gives pleasure to the dominant monster in the couple…his victim is only suffering and crying…and it always finishes bad! Leave me alone! Jaejoong would never be like that! Never ever would he think like that! And I don’t want to see you or talk to you never again! Leave!”

Jaejoong POV:

As Yoong-shi exited the room, he found me beside the door,

“where you listening?” he asked me, surprised.

“yes…” maybe the look I had on my face told him how much what happened hurt me…I really couldn’t imagine that much…Junsu is really unlucky….a horrible accident and a horrible family! I am really surprised that he could trust me that much…he should be so optimistic and so strong to do it.

“The good news…he is likely not having a double feeling about you. However, when he gets angry like this, he may throw you some words he does not really think…The bad news, you see how he sees the world: bad and good people…there is no between for him…and the criteria of being bad or good is having or not…this is a big issue…but after you’ve seen his reaction, can you still help me with that?”

“I think you have gone too hard…was it necessary to drag me like this in the subject?”

“This is what showed me how he thinks of you…but, I have to say that I am not really sure how you feels? Was I right?”

“He was right”

“This is not an answer Jaejoong-shi!”

“maybe I have to go beside him now…I don’t want him to have health problems at this stage”

“I see…okay…see you again”

“Ok”

                                                     *********************

When I entered Junsu’s room, I found him lying on his tummy, half cuddling like a ball, and crying as I thought. I sat down on the little seat  in front of him as to keep slightly the same level of his eyes, maybe if I sat on the bed and looked down at him he might be frightened,

“Junsu-ya? What’s wrong? Do you feel pain somewhere?” Even if I knew already what happened, I was really concerned, but he didn’t answer me. I drove my hand to his shoulder but stopped half a way. Wouldn’t he be uncomfortable if I do, after all what he heard…? Then I decided to try anyway, so I put my hand slowly on his right shoulder, and as I thought he pushed it away…I sighed,

“Junsu-ya? Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Tell me please”

But I received no answer. I understood that it was his way to be left alone…was it a good idea to leave him alone in this state? I don’t really know what to do…

“Junsu-ya…I am not leaving you no matter you do…I am too worried…please talk to me, if I have done something wrong just tell me; I promise you I’ll fix it”

He turned to half face me; it worked! Yes! I tried to smile,

“What is it that is making you so sad? Me?”

He nodded negatively, and just kept staring at me.

“Don’t you want to tell hyung what is bothering you?”

“why… are you so kind to me?” he finally managed to say, and he shocked me. I thought a little and just decided to tell the truth,

“Because I love you” He showed no reaction, and I was afraid…

“What is love?”

“it is a feeling that people may have toward someone…and that feeling makes them care about that person and like to be with him/her. They are happy when s/he is, and they get sad when their lover is sad, just like you are now” No reaction again…I started to have a bad feeling

“Does love means ?…people say they ‘make love” to say they “have ” so does it mean the same thing?”

“Absolutely not Su-ah, there is no relationship between those two; people can have without love and people can love without …I love my sister…but I will never…you know…” I decided that it would be the best answer for now…and the safest one, but he showed no reaction again…

“You are not like them, are you?”

“uh?!...like whom Junsu?”

“You can’t be like them, can you?!” now I can see that he becomes more irritated, so I answered quickly,

“If you are speaking about your family members, I definitely don’t want to be like them, and I am not”

He just continued on crying…not asking anymore. I tried a second time, but now touching his cheek, and wiping his tears away; he didn’t protest and I felt a kind of relief,

“Junsu-ya, please stop crying…hyung hates seeing you cry like this”

“all of them…all people I have known and trust turn to be not as I thought…would you do the same hyung?” it was not a question…rather a plead…

“no Junsu…I will never betray you…and never leave you. You can trust me”

I waited for the coming reaction like a patient waiting to know if he was healed from cancer or not. When he moved toward me and buried his face on my shoulder, I felt like if I had dropped a heavy rock that I was carrying…

Junsu’s POV

I don’t know what I was thinking about or talking about until I felt Jaejoong hyung arms surrounding me protectively. Just then I could feel a little safe, but what Yoong-shi said hit my head again,

“What if he was in love with you? Would you accept it or lose him?”

I don’t want to…don’t want to lose him…I tightened my arms around him like if my whole life depended on it. Maybe he felt it, because he tugged me closer and started rubbing my back and trying to calm me down…I don’t even remember what he said to me but I calmed down. Jaejoong hyung has this magical effect on me…he just can make me calm down at any circumstances.

Jaejoong hyung insisted to take me on a walk this evening, even though I was tired. We walked along the garden in front of the hospital for a while, then we sat on one of the benches staring at people...there was a mother with her baby…Jaejoong pointed to her, “look how happy she seems…the baby too, isn’t that cute?”

She was carrying her child high, rubbing the tip of their noses, kissing him and tickling him…she enjoyed listening to his laughs…it is beautiful to see,

“I hope my mother did that for me…” I said hopelessly, knowing that I was crushing the moment, but  just needed to say it…it just came out.

“How could you remember Junsu-ya?”

“I know…because she never carried me…I have always had a servant to look after me”

“I am sorry…” he finally said. I didn’t look at him…I was still glaring at that woman…but his voice was sad,

“why should you be sorry hyung?”        

“…Junsu-ya, and if that servant did the same thing…would it be okay for you?”

“ anyone would be just fine…but there was no one…helas”

Then a man approached the woman and the child, he kissed the child and then the woman…all the beautiful scene has disappeared now…leaving just an ugly one…I turned my head and looked away…at anything except the couple…Jaejoong hyung titled his head in my direction,

“Are you okay?”

“yeah…” I simply said. However, another couple crossed my view. They were hugging and kissing deeply under a tree…what the hell?! Why are they doing that in public!? Can’t they just find a hidden place far from me?!...this is a hospital! I got up and walked in the other direction…I just want to go back to my room…

“This is how humans are made Junsu” No!

Jaejoong hyung held my arm stopping me, “Junsu-ya? What is it?”

“want to get back to my room hyung”

“Is something bothering you?”

“…no…nothing, I just don’t feel ok” How can I explain it to you hyung? You won’t understand…maybe you are just like them all…I felt my body turning to face him as he took my shoulders,

“Look at me” he said, but I didn’t…he let go of one of my shoulders and lifted my chin…I didn’t protest against his studying look now that our eyes met,

“You are making me worried…what is it? Did Sookjin bother you again?” I nodded negatively.

“Then that man that was leaving your room before I came is the one who made you sad”

His sentence shocked me…Of course; he came to my room just after Yoong-shi left, so he would have met him on the way,

“what did he said to you?” he asked, aware of my shocked expression. I looked down,

“he is not the cause hyung…”

“then why were you crying when I came?”

“I…remembered oennie…that’s all” he slides his hand through my arm to take mine,

“and that’s what still make you act that weird?”

“No…” I answered sincerely this time, not lifting my head to look at him again. I know that it annoys him, but I was scared to look at him…maybe I know why…maybe I don’t

“Then tell me what it is…”

“I…just feel upset…maybe because I stayed too much in this hospital…want to go home”

“Are you sure that this is the problem?” he asked again, certain that I was lying to him…

“part of it…”

“and what’s the other part?”

I remained silent…how can I explain it to you hyung if I fail miserably to explain it even to myself? After a moment, he said,

“Fine Junsu-ya…if you don’t want to tell me, don’t…come!” and he pulled me a little far from our place, to a rather isolated area in the garden. When we stopped, I looked at him confusedly,

“…hyung?”

“You said that anyone would be fine, don’t you?” and before I could understand what he meant, my feet left the ground as hyung lifted me up, and I should warp my arms around his neck to get my balance,

“…hyung?!”

“Then what if that someone is just me” he smiled.

“what…?!” I still don’t understand what he wanted to say…

“Let’s see, she was doing this…” and at no time he just throw me in the air like if I had no weight! I just realized how skinny and light I was for him! My first reaction was a little scream…I don’t even know why I screamed knowing that he would surely catch me…however after the second ‘throw’ I couldn’t stop giggling…it was awkward…but…fun,

“Hyung! Stop! Stop it!” and he stopped, still lifting me…was he intending to never let me down?

“why…?” he said with a innocent face that med me laugh again,

“this is a public place hyung!”

“yeah?!...you mean people will stare weirdly at some crazy man?”

I laughed again at his comment, “yes hyung…”

“Then while I am the crazy man in this case, just let them stare!”

“aren’t you tired?!”

“…tired?!”

“I am not a baby hyung!”

He laughed from the bottom of his heart, “are you too old?”

“quite…”

“seriously?!...how old are you?”

“…23…”

“three?...you are so little! And you are telling me that you are not a baby?”

“I said 23 hyung!” but he acted as if he didn’t notice and said,

“Ok…what did she next?...ah yes!”

I wanted to say something, but he was decided…and extremely stubborn…he turned so fast that if I didn’t hold on him tightly I could just have flied away…

No one POV  

Junsu giggled too much that when finally Jaejoong stopped turning, he couldn’t breathe normally. However, he managed to lift his head from his friend’s shoulder and say,

“You are crazy…hyung”

“if my craziness could put that bright smile on your face, I would be crazy forever…you know, that sad face does NOT suite you…at all!”

Junsu smiled wider, “You made my head hurt”

“really…does headache makes you laugh that hard?” Junsu chuckled…in reality, his head wasn’t hurting though they turned so much and Jaejoong knew it,

“We could also do something else she did…” he leaned forward to press their foreheads and noses together, making them caress each other slightly. Junsu couldn’t stop chuckling again….he sincerely turned into a little baby in Jaejoong’s arms, and the eldest enjoyed that, but now he should make a bigger step…

“and then…a kiss”

He leaned to kiss Junsu’s cheek, a slight peck, but it made Junsu’s body shiver instantly. When Jaejoong looked at his face, Junsu was taken by surprise and still gazing blankly at him…a hand even went automatically to cover the spot,

“What…?!” Jaejoong asked innocently as if he knew nothing. Junsu regained his senses and managed to say,

“um…uh…nothing…nothing hyung” he wanted to take some steps away, but he was still held up by the eldest,

“why are you pressing your cheek like if I gave you a slap?”

“it is not…” he managed to slide his hand down. He looked at his hyung for some seconds,

“Sorry…I was surprised…that’s all”

Jaejoong put him down and took his two hands in his, “I didn’t mean to scare you…sorry”

Seeing Jaejoong smile, Junsu also tried to smile, “it is okay…”

“Junsu-ya…it was just a peck…why are you stunned like this?”

“I…just…I…not used to it…that’s all”

“Then you just have to get used to it…that’s all”

Junsu stepped backward unconsciously, but he stopped looking at how Jaejoong stared at him,

“Junsu…?!”

“I…I can’t…not now…please” he paused for some seconds, “it is…not that I make connections between you and your father hyung…you…you are not alike…but…I…” but he couldn’t finish his sentence because Jaejoong put his hand on the smaller’s back and pulled him closer setting another kiss on his other cheek. Even though he noticed Junsu’s second shiver, he didn’t flinch and looked at him straight,

“it does not kill…does not hurt either, does it? Whereas thinking of bad memories…why can’t you just see it as the peck that woman gave to her child…affectionate and innocent, can’t it be? or do you consider my actions with you not that innocent?”

“what if he had a feeling for you? Not a friendly love I mean”

“what?!...do you want to say that…Jaejoong…NO! he is not like that…he does not think this way!”

“Take it easy Junsu…it is not like if I said he is a bad person or something…Are you sure Junsu-ya? What if he was in love with you?”

Junsu returned to reality, feeling that he lacked air. He his dry lips and gazed at Jaejoong for a while,

“Would you lose him?...”

“No hyung…I…trust you…I really do”

Jaejoong smiled softly at his danseng. He let go of his hand to hug him tenderly. Although he was still shocked, Junsu didn’t protest…as much as he was shocked, he needed that tender hug…it was his medicine,

“I don’t want you to have all these fears all your life. Let me help you please”

“I…am…afraid that I lose my trust on you hyung…I don’t want to lose it”

“You won’t…I promise I won’t rush you no matter what happens…I’ll be patient and supportive as much as I can…but I want you to get better…as Jaejoong, as your doctor and as your friend and as…anyone else you want me to be…understand?”

“Jaejoong is not like this Yoong-shi…he won’t let me down…he is a true friend, and a true friend does not do that”

Junsu tightened his arms around his hyung’s waist and just lied comfortably in his ‘shelter’,

“this is not the same…not the same…here, I can close my eyes without those memories coming to me…I don’t have to end this feeling…I don’t want this feeling to end”