Kai’s POV:

Everyday started the same; woke up earlier than dawn, rehearsed, went to do a show, eat, more rehearsal, then sleep for maybe four  hours. This was my routine. It was the life I asked for, this I know. I’m tired. I have been in this industry for over ten years whether it be training or performing. I haven’t had the opportunity to live my own life.

Today was my day off. I just lay in bed. This bed I see only a few hours a day. Everyone else in my group went to go hang out with their friends or family. I had no motivation to get up, no motivation to do anything but lie down and stare at the ceiling.

I heard a knock on the door. I didn’t move. Then another knock, and then another. That’s when the banging started.

“Kai! It’s me. Open the door.”

I recognized the voice. I finally made myself get up and walked towards the door to unlock it. In front of me was my best friend, Taemin. He was the only person I honestly was okay with seeing that day. He came in and dropped all the bags he was carrying on the kitchen counter. He was also the only one who knew how I was feeling. The only one who brought me the pills I needed from the pharmacy. The only one who knew about them in the first place.

We walked over the couch where we both sat in silence. He was waiting for me to talk first. That’s how it always was. Except this time, I didn’t start expressing my feelings. This time, a single tear fell down my cheek. Taemin said nothing. He just came closer and embraced me. Put one arm over my shoulder from behind and the other arm rested around my waist. I let the tears fall one after another. I felt so much pain. I had no more motivation to live. I only got up everyday because it is what I had to do, not what I wanted to do. Today was the day I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

That’s when the darkness started to take over. When I couldn’t control my senses. I couldn’t control my body. I let this sensation take over my body. I thought, at the time, it was my soul being taken from my body and in place of that, would be the long awaited death. To my own unhappiness, it wasn’t death. The last thing I heard was Taemin screaming my name.

I woke up in a room unfamiliar to me. I could hear crying in the distance and murmuring of people. That’s when I finally came to and grasped the situation. I had a stress induced seizure. I was taken to the hospital with Taemin by my side. Now he sat with my family waiting for me to open my eyes. The doctors and Taemin now told my family of the anti-depressants I have been taking for a while now.  

I let the people who were next to me know I have woken up. What happened afterwards was a blur. Hugs and crying followed by my members and manager visiting and speaking to my parents about what to do next. It has been decided that taking a break from the group wasn’t enough. I needed to get out of Seoul altogether. After two weeks of therapy and my mother’s extensive phone calls to my aunt, it has been decided that I was to go to my hometown to stay with my family and get this all out of my head.

I didn’t agree or disagree. I had no more energy to think for myself. I just didn’t want this routine to continue. I never told my mom how welcoming I was of death. Only the therapist and Taemin knew of that. Finally the time came for me to leave. Taemin and a few of my members helped me load the car and gave me tons of things to take with me. I looked at those surrounding me and I couldn’t help but show a smile. These are the people who care about me more than the care about my voice.

I gave everyone a hug and hopped into my father’s car. The drive was long but it gave me time to think. It gave me time to breathe. I talked to my cousin, Jae Ha, before I left. He was the one in my family I was closest to so I had to tell him the whole reason of why I was coming. He said not to worry and to be ready to be embraced by a pillow fight the second I came through the door. He knew how to make me feel better.

As soon as I entered my aunt’s house, I was hit with a pillow as promised. Soon after my parents left and my aunt and uncle were still at work. We decided to order chicken. Jae Ha called the place and we waited. The doorbell rang and Jae Ha was in the washroom. He told me not to get the door but I wasn’t going to leave the person waiting.

I open the door and before I know it, I have been hit on the head. The girl who hit me was saying something about payback but all I was thinking when I lifted my head was her eyes. Her big brown eyes. Jae Ha came soon after. He knew her, I could tell. She handed me the chicken and sped away. I didn’t know what came over me but I rushed after her. I grabbed her arm and made her face me. Why did I do that? I couldn’t think of a reason after her eyes were looking into mine. She searched my eyes. I put the money for the chicken in her hands and told her to keep the change. I quickly ran back and shut the door behind me.

I was gasping. I couldn’t breathe and I had no clue why.

“Hyung, don’t worry. That’s my best friend Soon Hee. She won’t tell anyone. I trust her but I will speak to her tomorrow. The look on her face though, AHAHA I couldn’t keep my laughter in. Did she hit you? She tends to do th- Hyung?”

I look up at my cousin staring at me with concern.

“I’m fine. That was just so shocking.” I decided to hide my confusion and anxiety, “Does she hit people often? She can kill someone with that arm.”

We both started to laugh and eat our food in delight.  

I opened my eyes and looked at the clock. It was twelve pm. This is the first time i slept more than six hours in weeks. It felt good. I went for a walk around the town.

It was quiet and peaceful. I could breathe here. The air was so fresh. Everyone around wasn’t in a hustle and rushing to get somewhere. Kids were skipping along and old ladies were walking around with each other laughing and boasting about their grandkids. I came back to my aunt making dinner.

“Hey Jong In. How was your day?”

This was the first time in months I could answer with an honest yes. Dinner was set and the only thing that was missing was Jae Ha. My aunt and uncle were starting to get worried. I volunteered to go and get him. Gave me an excuse to get away from this awkwardness.

I drove up the what could have been my high school. I parked the car and stepped out. It was late so the school was deserted. I pulled my mask closer up on my face. I saw a girl sitting on the bench in front of the school. That was the same girl. The one who hit me on the head. The one who I couldn’t get out of my head for house. I don’t know what compelled me to go and speak to her but before I knew it, I was walking towards the bench.

She stood up and we started to talk. Her name was Soon Hee. Jae Ha mentioned that but hearing her say it, it sounded different. I asked her about my cousin and she turned to get him but before she could go up the steps, she started to fall.

“HEY!”

I reached as fast as I could to grab hold of her and protect her from the ground. I felt her forehead. She was burning hot.

“SOON HEE!”

I look up. At that moment, Jae Ha came running down the school steps to aid his friend.

“First let’s get her to the car and home.” I say as I lift her and start rushing to the car.

Jae Ha was a bit quicker and opened the back seat door. I put her in and Jae Ha sat beside her holding on to her as if she were about to float away.

I was scared. I didn’t know why. I knew she was only sick and she didn’t need to go to the hospital but I was so scared that she really was going to float away and never come back. I only knew her name. I only knew how beautiful her eyes were. I also knew I had to rush so I could make sure she was okay.