I woke up from a dreamless night only to find myself being held in someone’s arms. I looked upwards to Jongin’s sleeping face. We both somehow found our way to his bed and fell asleep. I didn’t move. I knew I should. I did have a boyfriend after all but he looked so peaceful and it was nice being held by someone. It felt comforting. Jae Ha held me all the time but it isn’t the same. I didn’t know why but it wasn’t.

I didn’t feel like moving so I just stayed in Jongin’s arms. I stared up at him and watched his breathing as his chest raised closer and further from me. He started to shift and I shut my eyes as tight as I could. I felt him waking up and once he settled down, he didn’t move. I felt his arm move from on top of me and towards my face. He pushed hair away from my face. It took all my energy to not move. He then sighed. Why did he sigh I wondered to myself.

“Why are you so beautiful?” He whispered.

In that moment, I felt my heart race more faster than it has since before I could remember. Why did I feel like this. I started to shift as well and opened my eyes to see Jongin looking straight at me.

“Good morning” he whispered with a smile on his face.

“Good morning” I whispered back as I started to face downward.

He lifted my chin up to face him. We stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like forever. He came closer to my face and I closed my eyes in response. It was a couple seconds when I felt his face inching towards mine until we heard the door open and I moved away so fast that he fell off the bed.

I started to laugh harder than I have in weeks while the rest of the EXO members came in utterly confused.

“What did we just walk in on?” Chanyeol asked as he started to turn around and usher the other boys out.

“Wait!” Jongin yells as he chased after the other boys.

I just stayed there laughing. Eventually he brought them all back and introduced them to me. It was sort of awkward but that was to be expected plus it was fun in its own way. I made everyone breakfast as they all talked about the funeral that was to happen. The mood fell quickly after.

They all started whisper but I didn’t mind. I know it is hard to voice your feelings with strangers in the room. I just busied myself with the food and let the boys talk. I made quite a lot of food and set the table while they were still busy talking. I was looking through the cupboards for plates and finally found them. They were a bit high up but I knew I could reach it. I stood on my tippy toes and reached for the plates. All of a sudden, a figure came up behind me and reached over me to grab all the plates. I instantly turned around to find Jongin with plates in his hand staring at my shocked face.

“You need to be careful. Those plates would have fallen on you if you weren’t. It’s okay to ask for help sometimes Soon Hee, you’re not alone” he said as he went to go set up the table.

I just stood there as my heart pounded out of my chest. I didn’t know how to react. I just helped him set up the table. It’s all I could do. Jongin brought all the members to come sit down. I went to the couch only to find another EXO member, Baekhyun, taking the book out of my hand and placed me in a seat around the table with everyone else.

The boys are quiet but they start to eat slowly. Finally one begins to speak.

“It’s today. We have to hold our head up high and not shed any tears. I know it’ll be hard but Jonghyun Hyung wouldn’t want that. We have to wish him well so he can go up in peace.”

Everyone around the table nods in agreement. One by one, the boys leave the table and go into their rooms to change. Kai remained and looked up at me from his plates. I knew what he wanted to say or rather what he needed me to say; to stay here and out of a camera’s shot. I just smiled and nodded my head and used my head to tell him to go get changed.

He smiled through the pain and got up and went to his room. I cleaned up the breakfast mess and once I finished washing the dishes, the first member came out changed.

“Soon Hee right?” Chanyeol asked.

I nodded and he continued, “I know Jongin depends on you a lot for support. I haven’t seen a real smile from him in a long time and I definitely saw it when you threw him off the bed. As his hyung, I just wanted to thank you for everything.”

He then began to bow in my direction where I instantly tried lifting his head. I deserved no bow from him or anyone. I just did what I wished to do and what my heart told me to. I was selfish.

All the boys got ready and left leaving me in the apartment. Jongin gave me a key incase I wanted to go out and explore which I did feel was the best thing to do. Going outside wasn’t what I expected from Seoul. Everyone either seemed determined to get somewhere or looked lifeless. Nothing like my town. I knew in that moment why Jongin needed to escape. It brings you down.

I walked around and heard my phone ring. I haven’t checked my phone since before we left to come to Seoul. By the time I got the phone in my hands, the call went to voicemail. I saw over twenty missed calls all from Jae Ha. I was shocked at how I could forget about him. I called back and not even two rings later, he picked up.

“Where are you?? Do you know how many times I called?”

“In Seoul.”

“Why would you go to Seoul?? Did you go with Hyung?? Why not just send him on his own?? He’s a big boy. He can take care of himself… Sorry, I was just so worried. You can’t disappear without a word. I know you’re independant and that’s one of the things I love about you, but you have people that worry. I worry okay? Please don’t ever do that to me again.”

“I’m sorry. He… he needed me.”

Silence filled the call.

“I need you.”

“I’m sorry Jae Ha.”

“You really care about Hyung don’t you?”

“I do.”

“I forgive you. It’s good he isn’t alone. I was just scared something bad happened. Like… like the last time.”

“I’m okay I promise. I’ll call you when I leave here k?”

“When would that be?”

“... I’m not sure. When Oppa doesn’t need me”

And with that, the call ended. I felt guilty, but it wasn’t enough to make me leave. WHat is this feeling?