I ran. I couldn’t stop running. I was so scared, so sad, and so excited all at the same time. More than anything, I just wanted to get home. I wanted to go to Jae Ha as fast as I could.

Once I got home, I changed my clothes and instantly left the house. I didn't need food or rest. I knew what I had to do.

“Jae Ha. I’m coming.” I said as I walked down the street.

I knocked on the door and right away Jae Ha came and answered it. His face lit up almost instantly. He pulled me in by my right arm and hugged me so very tightly. I didn't know how to react or what to do. I just stayed still. 

“You’re back!” he exclaimed, “I missed you so much.”

With that, Jae Ha’s lips were on mine with his hands in my hair bringing me closer to him, but I didn’t kiss him back. He backed away looking at my downcasted face. He knew something was wrong, he always knew. I could never hide anything from him and I’ve always loved that, but in that moment, I truly wanted to hide what was in my heart.

Jae Ha lifted my chin with his hand only to see tears streaming down my eyes. He instantly took hold of my shoulders to ask who hurt me but when I slowly shook my head from side to side, he knew.

He stepped back in disbelief and started to shake his head furiously.

“No, no, no. Why?” He begged as he came closer to me to try and hold my hands in his but I moved back to keep him from doing so.

Jae Ha always put my feelings above his, but in that moment, his feelings were too much and took over his body. If I’m being honest, I wish he got even more mad. Maybe then, it would have been easier and I wouldn’t have felt as guilty.  It would have appeased me in some way.

Jae Ha stared at the floor in disbelief.

“Jae Ha…” I started.

“Soon Hee. I have loved you for a very long time. I know I didn’t realize it early enough, but I came to you first. I have loved you first. Why must we end this?”

I stared into those brown eyes I’ve known forever.

“I love you. I love you so much but it was never the same way you did,” with that, he looked painstricken, but I continued, “I have imagined marrying you because it would be easy. I’m used to you and used to holding you, but my heart never skipped a beat. I don’t long for you the same way I do…”

“With Hyung?”he asked without looking up at me.

“Yes. He and I have this connection that scares me, but that’s how I know it isn’t just a platonic feeling. I want to know more. I hate how I am doing this to you. You’re the most important person to me in the whole world, but I can’t spend forever with you. It would cause me to wonder and resent. I’m so sorry.”

He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and smiled. I was confused.

“Soon Hee. I’ve seen the way you two act around one another. It’s a connection we all knew about. I decided to be selfish and take you for myself even though I knew You would never love me the way I loved you.”

“But then why,” he interrupted me there.

“Because, I wanted to live in ignorance and pretend like I had your whole heart. I am still not happy, but the faster I accept this, the faster the three of us can be happy. Go. Knowing you, you didn’t tell him what you were doing because you wanted to wait for what I would do. Don’t cause him to suffer internally more than he has. We both know he can’t handle it.”

With that, I gave my closest friend a strong hug and continued to run. I ran as fast as I could back home. I needed to call him and tell him he has my heart.

As I crossed the corner leading to my building, there he was. Standing outside the main doors pacing back and forth with his hands close to his mouth. His eyes looked up to see me panting with my hands on my knees. He stopped right then and there. He searched my eyes for the answer of why I left. I did all I could to tell him I wanted him with just my facial expression.

He lifted his arms welcoming me. And for the last time, I ran. I ran as fast as I could jumping into his arms as he spun me around laughing. He settled me down and kissed me. He kept kissing me until my lips went numb but I didn’t care. I wanted this so much.  

I lead him into my studio apartment. He walked in shy and I just laughed.

“You’re so dumb. Just come in” I said as I dragged him by his arms in from the doorway.

I started to make some food while he sat on the couch staring at me. I could feel the stares and I made sure not to look behind me as he would see my red face if he did. I felt embarrased. 

“Stop staring”

He just laughed and proceeded to stand up. Before I knew it, arms were being wrapped around me. He back hugged me and didn’t move his arms.

“How do you expect me to make food if you’re just going to restrict my movement?”

He laughed and brought his lips close to my ear.

“I don’t” he whispered casing me to shudder.

He lifted me from behind and placed me on the couch next to him. He stared deep into my eyes asking for permission and with that, an internal kiss began.