October 2015

"Are you serious? Are you going to travel the weekend?"

"Krystal, I already told you about this. It’s not that I want to. But I have to do some things in New York"

"What things?"

"Just… some stuff..."

“Some Stuff… and have to be Just 'this' weekend? You're doing this on purpose, aren’t you? You’re taking revenge of me because I canceled our plans a few days ago. You’re avenging"

"What? Of course I’m not! Do you really think I can manipulate these things at my whim? You know better than anyone that we don’t control our schedules. I can’t believe you think that way about me... well, actually… What's the difference? Since you have a boyfriend I don’t exist for you anymore”

"I already told you he's not my boyfriend!"

"Yet!"

"What are you talking about? What does he have to do with this?"

It’s true. What does it have to do that she spends time with him? I shouldn’t care. Why do I mention it?

"You promised that we would go out together. You were the one who suggested and then promised to take me to that place."

"I know, and I'm sorry. It’s not something I can postpone. Krystal, please. Don’t do this ..."

"Don’t do what? You’re the only one that is changing everything. I organized my schedule just to spend time with you"

Why do I feel so guilty when I hear that? Why does she sound so disappointed and sad? It’s not really that important. I mean, We can see to each other later, right?

"I'm sorry. I really can’t change the date of my trip."

"Well, whatever. I'm leaving, and don’t call me because I'm not going to answer."

"What? Wait. Are you really going to get mad at this? Krystal is not fair. Why are you arguing with me?"

"You’re the one who is arguing!"

"You're the only one who's throwing a tantrum because I will not be able to go out with you. We can go next week."

"Next week will be the release of the album. You know I'll be very busy with the promotions."

"Oh! Right! So now you don’t have time, right. Now it turns out you're always busy between your job and your new boyfriend."

I had completely forgotten the release and promotions of her new album. God! What am I thinking at?

"You’ve been in the production process since the beginning. You know I’ll be busy for weeks! And at least he wants to spend my birthday with me! Despite all the work he has. He will take some time and spend a few hours with me. And stop saying that he's my boyfriend!"

"You’re not being fair. I didn’t do my schedules and you know that"

"I don’t care. Now leave me alone! Go away!"

"I live here!"

"Whatever. I hope you enjoy your trip and your time and your great places. And you know what? They really aren’t that great!"

What? What the hell just happened? Krystal came out of the apartment in a fury, not without first slamming the door and almost knocked my paintings off the wall. My poor door… How did we end up arguing like this? Why do I suddenly feel like I said or did something terrible? Aren’t these things supposed to happen only to couples?

A couple of weeks ago I talked to Krystal about a place that I discovered during my secret tours of the city. The place rescues many classic things from Korea and abroad. It’s a small and hidden neighborhood where we would go unnoticed, because only old people live there and they are completely disconnected from the whole entertainment world. So I showed some pictures to Krystal and she loved the place. She made me promise to take her there someday. And since I didn’t know that I’d have to deal with certain things, I told her that I could take her for her birthday and I would buy her whatever she wanted and that my credit card would hold.

Unfortunately, I have some things to solve in New York. And unfortunately they were scheduled just for this week. So I can’t spend time with her. I won’t be here for her birthday.

The truth is that I never thought she could react like this. We can go any other day. But if I'm honest since she's seeing this guy. Which, I should add, I don’t like. she has started spending less time with me. And it´s fine, I mean, it's normal for her to have a boyfriend. She can’t spend all the time exclusively with me, right?

In spite of everything I'm upset that she thinks I'm doing this on purpose. Just because A few days ago we had agreed to meet, I’d pick her up in the recording studio and we would go to eat. But at the last minute she canceled me saying that this guy had invited her out. Just for joking I told her that she was changing me for being with a guy and that I was upset. It was just a joke, At least in part.

After that I was a few days without answering her calls or messages. Now that I think about it, I think a part of me was really upset. And I guess at some point, the joke got out of hand and she ended up apologizing sincerely.

The point is that now she thinks I'm doing this to get revenge but the truth is that I have no control over these things and being honest, I did want to spend time with her, especially that day.

And now, here I am. In my apartment, eating alone and for some reason, feeling abandoned and guilty.

What am I supposed to do now? Call her and apologize? Although she said she wouldn’t answer me. I could go visit her, But I don’t feel confident enough to go to her house without notifying beforeget. She also said she would go out with her still-no-boyfriend.

I sigh again for the tenth time in the last hour without stop thinking what the hell happened.

Is friendship really that complicated or am I the one complicating things? Maybe I'm giving the matter too much thought. Most likely, Krystal has already forgotten the whole thing. So finally after much thinking I decided to send her a message asking if I could see her when I got back from my trip. Her response gave me to understand that I wasn’t over analyzing things.

[Amber 2:05am]
<< Are you awake? I'm sorry, ok. I promise I'll make up to you as soon as I come back from New York :D >>

[Krystal 2:10am]
<< I don’t want to go anymore. I will tell my BOYFRIEND to take me somewhere nice. And now let me sleep. We don’t all have as much free time as you ...>>

[Amber 2:10am]
<< Boyfriend?! You said you were just friends! Jung Soojung! Is he really your boyfriend?!  >>

[Amber 2:10am]
<< JUNG SOOJUNG! ANSWER ME! >>

[Amber 2:11am]
<< ¡YA! ¡JUNG SOOJUNG! >>

This little spoiled brat. How she dares to tell me something like that and then ignore me! She has always told me that they’re just friends and now it turns out that he is her boyfriend. That brat is not worthy of...

...Wait a moment...

Why am I so angry? Why do I feel like I want to kick that boy that I barely know between his legs? Oh, my God! Don’t tell me that these are jealousy? But that can’t be. Jealousy is only between couples, right?

I mean, Krystal and I are good friends. We became very close. But that doesn’t mean I can be jealous if she goes out with someone, right... Right?

Because I didn’t want to further complicate my thoughts. I put aside the cell phone and sat down in front of the large window of the living room. While I watch the city that never sleeps, I remember again the surprise that she gave me a few weeks ago.

I remember that in some of our conversations I told Krystal that I had never celebrated my birthday. Let’s say that things in the orphanage weren’t bad. But they weren’t incredible either, parties and celebrations weren’t common. Usually every six months we celebrated all birthdays together, without names and special mentions. It was a symbolic way of remembering that we were one year older. And being honest, with time I even forgot when I was my birthday.

To Krystal this seemed to surprise her a lot. She told me that it wasn’t good to forget my birthday. She said that at least I should spend it with the people that I like or at least do something that I like. `It's a special day and you shouldn’t forget it, everyone deserves to celebrate it‘. Those were her words. Personally, I never thought it was special. After all, those dates were meant to be to spend times with your loved ones and your family. But when you're alone, it's not important or relevant.

Then the most unexpected thing happened. After a few days when Krystal acted suspiciously clingy, she asked me many questions and practically disappeared the day before my birthday. It turns out that she organized a nice dinner with her family and with the people to whom I’m closest. I never expected anything like this from anyone, much less from her. I’ve always noticed that Krystal is extremely retailer. But it never crossed my mind that she could have dedicated herself to organizing something to celebrate my birthday.

It was a nice evening, where I received presents and they sang happy birthday for the first time in my life dedicated only to me. I remember looking at Krystal during the song and she looked like a proud mother when she realized that she really managed to surprise me. For a moment I felt so awkward, suddenly there were so many people around me with big smiles on their faces, sincere smiles. They looked happy for me. Krystal, with whom I had been friends for a few months, remembered and celebrated something my parents never did.

That’s why at that moment I made a silent promise to Krystal and to myself. From now on I would do everything that was in my hands, I would strive like never I did it before to be part of Krystal's life and at the same time, I would do everything possible to change my habits and make her part of my life.

That's why I'm so confused now and I’m not sure what should I do. It's the first time in a long time that I care enough for someone to worry me and to want fix things. Actually, I never thought that Krystal would care so much about going to that place.

While I settle on my favorite sofa, I see my cell phone and stare at the case that says 'geek'. It was the gift she gave me right after we finished eating the wonderful tiramisu that she bought especially for me.

"¡¡¡AGH!!!"

"What am I supposed to do now? I must be very crazy to be talking to myself at this moment... I'd better try to sleep... Tomorrow I'll see how I can solve this..."

And that was how after so many peaceful nights, the darkness took over my world once more time. Creating new monsters and reviving my never forget old ghosts. Once again the voices that repeat me over and over and over that everything it’s a charade didn’t leave me in peace. That night was like in the old days where thinking of a bright dawn became a simple illusion.