Jeju

It's been a month and a few days since I last saw Soojung. Maybe more, maybe less. All I know It feels like an eternity. I have had to stop myself blocking her number, or searching for news about her on the internet. Unfortunately, I found a few news, and not the most pleasant to read.

I found Comments where they say some fan saw her leaving Jongin's apartment or where someone saw them in a pool together. Also, where people saw him buying condoms in a random store near her house. I Even found photos where they were seen going out to dinner together in here favorite place.  The place where we used to go.

Of course, I am destroyed. It's not just the idea that she's actually dating him that hurts me, but all that news, probably fake news. I wonder if she knows that there are all those rumors about her floating around the internet.

I even read that Jongin's fandom was angry with him, since he got hurt skiing with Soonung, and that's why he won't be able to go on tour with his band.

It hurts me that the press talks about her like that. And it hurts me to know that maybe she’s not getting the support she needs right now with the hateful messages.

Of course, I stopped following her on all social media. So, I haven't known from her in all this times. I wish I could see a picture of her to get a hint of what she’s doing.

God! I miss her so much. With each passing day I become more and more convinced that I made a mistake by pushing her away like that. But I know that she is one of those people who once she says goodbye, she never comes back.

I haven't wanted to see anyone in the last few weeks. So, Amy comes every day to check on me and see if I'm following my therapy properly. Which, I honestly don't give a right now.

Amy Every day comes, leaves me some food, tries to have some communication. But the truth is I don't feel like talking to her, or to anyone. Jong has also stopped by a few times. But he only stays with me for a few hours, composes or sings something and leaves. That's why I love him, he just doesn't force me to do anything. He just stays silent for hours with me and then leaves.

I try to make my life, but the truth is that I don't feel like doing anything. I can't even get up to brush my teeth. Something so simple and so basic seems like the biggest task in the world.

I can only think about Soojung, and create the most disastrous scenarios for myself. I imagine everything she’s doing with him, and I feel like my chest and heart are tightening and I just can't breathe.

Her absence hurts me. I never thought that a single person could fill my life like this. And now she’s gone, I feel complete lost. Its not fair. Even when it was me who pushed her away

I’ve feeling like write something or compose anything, because my mind is in chaos. But my body just doesn't respond. I can’t move

I've been lying in bed for days, getting up only to go to the bathroom. Maybe I should just stay here and let my body slowly shut down. Maybe then I could stop thinking about Soojung. I even see her in my dreams. It's as if because I broke up with her, she haunts me even in my dreams.

I never thought I could be like this for someone. For her. This is exactly the reason why he avoided creating bonds with anyone. Now there is just an emptiness and pain that I just don't know how to control or handle.

This is where I went to the stage where I hate everything. I hate Soojung's mother for coming and convincing me to leave her, I hate the world for being unable to accept that there are different people. I hate Soojung for making me love her, and at the first push she leaves me without even hesitation. I hate myself for being so manageable, that with just a few words I let go of the only person I've ever truly loved. I hate everything and everyone.

Then the sadness comes again and I cry. All I can do is cry in my bed, hugging a pillow, wishing that Soojung would show up at my door and say everything is okay and she'll come back to me leaving everything behind.

Again days, hours or weeks have passed. I don't know what day or time it is anymore. I just don't care.

I roll over in bed to keep sleeping, when the sudden opening of the curtain leaves me momentarily blind.

"What the hell?!"

“Enough of self-pity. You've been locked up here for weeks. You need to collect your thoughts and get out there again. A girl left you. It's not the end of the world"

"For me it is. Close the curtain. My eyes hurt"

“Amb, seriously. I'm worried about you. You need to get out of here before you do something crazy. I’m afraid you can hurt yourself here alone"

"I'm fine. Just let me sleep”

“You've been sleeping for weeks. It is obvious that your treatment is not working”

“Actually, that's what allows me to sleep. If it weren't for the pills, I would never be able to sleep, and I would only have nightmares. Actually, I still have nightmares. She was the only who could help me to sleep. "

"Even so. I doubt that part of your therapy is sleeping and being in bed all day. Come on, get up. I want us to work together”

“So, you don't just want me to get up. Besides, you want me to make me work. It’s not the best proposition someone is made. Now let me sleep”

"Come on. Work with me. Let's do the best we know how to do."

“Get depressed?”

"Create. Let's write an album together. I want you to compose my new album with me.”

Even though I don't want to move from the nice, safe place I'm in, the idea of ​​composing music manages to catch my attention for a moment.

“Will we have creative freedom?”

"Completely. It will go through the typical filters. But it will be just you and me in the studio.”

I remain silent for a few minutes contemplating the idea of ​​having the freedom to compose. Part of me doesn't want to do anything but feel sorry for myself in bed, and the other is excited about the idea of ​​working on what I love, and that my own agency doesn't allow me to do.

"Alright. But you must give me space and time. I'm not okay Amy. I’m not doing it well. And I will surely have a thousand relapses while we work. You have to be know that you will surely have to drag me to the studio more than once”

"I know. And I have no problems with that. You did it for me more than once. You've been a great friend, Amb. That's why I can't watch you fade away day after day in this room. Come with me. Transform all that pain into the best thing you know to do. Music"

Amy has a great capacity for convincing.

I think for a long time about her words. I say goodbye to her with the promise to think carefully about her proposal and call her the next day to confirm my participation if I accept.

Months Later

Where did it go wrong, oh God?

I didn't laugh when I met you

I'm suffocated

As time goes by

Doubt and obsession grow more

Actually, I'm anxious

It′s better that your gone

Please be a little more honest

Your growing lies

Your memorized excuse

Your shameless story

Erase the remaining memories

Forget the stupid me who believed you

Not another word

Don't hold onto me anymore

I'm letting go, letting go

아니라 하지마 cuz I′m letting go

Don't tell me I don't know (Don′t tell me I don′t know)

Don't tell me I don′t know (Don't tell me I don′t know)

I'm letting go, letting go

두 손 두 발 들어 and I′m letting go

Don't tell me I don't know (Don′t tell me I don′t know)

Don't tell me I don′t know (Don't tell me I don′t know)

'Cause you don′t

Oh Oh (Actin like you right)

Oh Oh (Our dreams are gone tonight)

You, two-faced

You, who changes so much

'Cause you don't

Your obvious story, protect your silent mouth

Avoid my gaze, focus on the ground

Your trembling eyes are louder than any words

Tell me what I believed

Your changed appearance burns into memories

Eventually the ashes turn to despair, covering me with regret

My tears are not for you, but for the past me that I hate

Get your disgusting hands off me, I've emptied myself of you

Please be a little more honest

I'm tired of your lies

Now I see you

Your shameless story

I've done everything I can, but you're never satisfied

The show has gone on for so long, and now I'm sick of it

My time, my effort, my wasted pain

I did not expect to feel so strongly, so farewell, black out

I′m letting go Letting go

아니라 하지마 cuz I′m letting go

Don't tell me I don′t know (Don't tell me I don′t know)

Don't tell me I don′t know (Don't tell me I don't know)

I′m letting go Letting go

두 손 두 발 들어 and I′m letting go

Don't tell me I don′t know (Don't tell me I don′t know)

Don't tell me I don′t know (Don't tell me I don't know)

′Cause you don′t

Things like pride don't put it to me

You have been a loser to the end

Our happy memories

Now end the unfunny show

I won't regret it anymore

Cuz all I have is my faith in me

I'm letting go, letting go

아니라 하지마 cuz I′m letting go

Don't tell me I don′t know (Don't tell me I don′t know)

Don't tell me I don't know (Don′t tell me I don′t know)

I'm letting go, letting go

두 손 두 발 들어 and I′m letting go

Don't tell me I don′t know (Don't tell me I don′t know)

Don't tell me I don't know (Don′t tell me I don′t know)

'Cause you don′t

Oh Oh (Actin like you right)

Oh Oh (Our dreams are gone tonight)

I have no regrets

But I will never forget

"What do you think?"

“Amb! It is incredible! I love the lyrics and the composition”

“It's still just the demo. You know it will need several changes, but I think it is on the right track.”

“To be honest, I wouldn't change anything. I will talk to the producers and tell them that I don't want any changes. You have to sing it with me.”

"Of course not. I'm not in the mood for that. Writing is one thing, but singing…”

"Come on. Please. You know that singing heals the soul. Sing with me. It will be great to have you on stage with me.”

"I'm sorry. I'm not ready for that."

A few days after working on the song with Amy, news reached me, more like a rumor, that Soojung and Kai were sharing an apartment. That just broke me.

I know neither of them live alone, so they must need a place to be alone, like Soojung and I did. That was my rational side speaking. My emotional side just went blank and started crying. I cried for hours on my bed. It was as if I had finally accepted that there was no turning back. I think a part of me still had a small hope of being able to get back with her, or at least have her in my life again. But reading that they shared an apartment just killed me. Knowing Soojung, I know she would never do something like that if she wasn't serious about someone.

So, here I am. In bed crying until dawn, tiredness and exhaustion overcoming me.

I woke up to the faint presence of someone next to me. When I opened my eyes, I was dreaming about her. I saw her so clearly. I had not forgotten her smile after more than 6 months of not seeing her.

When I opened my eyes and noticed that the presence next to me was not her, that weight and emptiness returned at the same time in my chest.

That feeling that I was drowning and the truth that I would never see her like that next to me again.

“You weren't answering the phone so I came to check on you. It was a difficult night, wasn't it?

“Every time I think I'm overcoming everything and leaving her behind; something appears and makes me relapse.”

“Just give it time. You'll be fine in time."

"I am tired of waiting. It's been more than six months and I still burst into tears every time I read news about her. I'm exhausted of feeling this way. My soul is heavy. I feel like I will never be happy again or feel anything other than pain or sadness. I'm exhausted, Amy. I feel like I can't take it anymore."

"I know. I was there once. The first time your heart is broken, it's feels literally like that. I know the pain is intolerable. You even feel like you can't breathe. But look at me, I'm here right. With time you will be better. Everything is going to be fine, and when that happens you will remember everything fondly. And you will see that it will never hurt like this again."

“I don't know if I can keep waiting to heal… I'm exhausted. Sick of thinking about her all the time. I feel like I can't even close my eyes without her name or her face appearing in front of me."

“And the day will come. when it will disappear. The day will come when you will feel free, at peace. Just be patient"

“I am not characterized as a patient person”

“Let's go on a trip”

"What?"

“Let's go on a trip, you and me. It will help you clear your head and stop thinking about Soojung anymore. Besides, I also need a break.”

"You are crazy. You're about to release your new album. You can't leave like this."

“And that's exactly why I need a break. We've been working on the album for months. Then promotions will come and I won't be able to have free time for a while. Now is the exact time. 5 days. That's all I ask"

And that's how Amy and I escaped to Jeju Island for a few days. We rented a cabin in the middle of a forest near the beach. They were incredible days. To my surprise I stopped thinking about Soojung at least for moments. Then I thought, 'I wish I could enjoy this with her by my side.' But then Amy would invent another new thing to do, and by the end of the day I was so tired that finally, after months, I managed to sleep without nightmares or the image of Soojung.

We went diving, we swam for hours. We did a buggy circuit. We went on hikes that took us to beautiful hidden beaches and waterfalls. I had no idea there was a place so close to paradise. I wish I had come with Soojung… I thought about her again. Her name became less and less frequent in my mind.

At the end of the fifth day, I didn't want to return to Seoul. I realized I really needed to get out of my apartment and hopefully out of the city.

“How about we stay a couple more days?”

“And you didn't want to come”

"I know. But this place is magical. It has helped me a lot to leave home and come here”

“It's a magical place, right. I would love to stay with you for a long time, Amb. But like you said, we will release the new album soon and I have to get back to reality.”

“I don't like reality”

“I doubt anyone really likes it.”

"I know, I know. Do you think we could come back when you finish promoting?”

"Are you serious?"

I just nodded and then got lost in my thoughts looking at the last sunset in this place.

Once again, I owed someone something and without realizing it, I had made a great friend. Amy Lee. Ailee. We had become good friends and close without realizing it. I guess there are things that when they change in you, they stay forever.