January 2016

It's been a few days since I stopped seeing Krystal, and we still haven't talked. We haven't even texted or made the slightest effort to communicate.

I've been out of activities for a few months and this week SM offered me the opportunity to possibly produce a song for f(X). On another occasion it would have made me very happy, but today I am very conflicted. Producing a song, a want that, but what if they give it to the group that would get me spending days with them, and certainly a lot of time with a certain person.

On the other hand, my life is being changing a lot this past months. Over time Shinee's Jonghyun Kim and I have become very close. We talk a lot on the phone and messages, we go out to eat and play a lot, which is rare for me. That’s why I realized that we both have a lot in common, so I think we became friends. Come to think of it, even that changed in me Krystal, the way I related to others.

Going back to the subject with Jong, I told him about the "little" problem we had with Krystal, he advised me to talk to her and try to solve things in some way by inviting her to eat.

“But if I invite her to dinner, don't you think that will be even more awkward? I mean, I cannot even send her a message to say “hello”, much less could I just say -Hey, let’s go to eat- to her”

"I do it for you"

"What!? Would you do that for me? Since when are you guys so close that she would agree to go out to eat with you?"

“I don't know if your questions are in a tone of concern or jealousy. I have to recall you that we have worked many times together with f(x). We have spent hours in backstages, concerts and recording studios. I’ve talked a lot of times especially with Krystal, she is very polite and kind. I have always believed that more than cold, as everyone says she is, she is shy. I like her very much"

“MH? Do you like her?”

"As a friend. I like her as a friend. Krystal is cute, but she's not my type. Don't worry… I didn't think you were the jealous type."

“I don't know what you're talking about… I'm just surprised to hear that she would go out to eat with you. I know she doesn't hang out much with the company partners other than her sister and some of the girls from the girls' generation. In fact, I know that she doesn't hang out with her bandmates on a regular basis. I guess I was wrong…"

“Amber, since we are having a deep talk and being honest here. Answer me this, honestly… Do you like Krystal, romantically speaking?”

“…”

“Come on, you can be honest with me. I promise not to tell anyone. Just as you have kept my secrets. I swear I'll never tell anyone anything you tell me tonight."

“Jong… I do not know. I wouldn't know how to answer that. I Never in my life have I been so confused by someone. These days without talking to each other have been torture. I want to think it's just because I got used to being with her. But deep inside of me, I know it's much more than that. And that ‘something’ terrifies me. GOD! I'm terrified of the idea of feel something more than just friendship for her. I do not really know what to do…"

“I guess you should start by clarifying your feelings towards her. Do you feel more than friendship for her? Tell me this. Do you want to kiss her, hold her hand, hug her, touching her?”

I look into Jong's eyes for a few moments thinking about his questions and trying to process them. Then I just lower my head and without looking at him I nod my head slowly.

“There is your answer and what you must do”

“How does admitting I have romantic feelings for Krystal fix things? Don't you think it complicates them even more?"

"Nope. Because you already know how you do feel and you know that you want her. Now it's just depends on you what’s next, what’s the path you’re going to take. Which path are you going to go, Amber?

“I… I think. Well, I’d love to be able to try and win her over… But Krystal is not like that. You say you know her, you should know better than that."

"That she’s not a Lesbian? Possibly not. But are there’s only two options?”

"What do you…? Oh! Ooooohhh… go it! To be honest, I never thought of that possibility… But I don't know. Krystal and her family are too traditional and clinging to their traditions. I've seen her react badly to situations with gay couples."

"It's a possibility. Or maybe she just acted that way because you were there and she didn't want to be misunderstood."

"Jong, you punk… I don't know if you're a genius or a demon"

"I like to think I’m a little of both"

Jong gives me a look much like Krystal gives me when she knows she has won an argument. A mix between pride and something mischievously.

"I guess you're right. I doubt it could be worse than it is now. After all, we don't even talk to each other anymore. I just want to get her friendship back."

"Yeah, right. Her friendship"

“Hey… of course. I just want her friendship. At least for now…”

"That's the attitude. First gets the things right again, and then go all out. How about we call her now and see if I can get something done within this week?”

"What? Now? Already? Isn't that a bit rushed?"

“Didn't you say that next week you have to submit your answer to produce a song for S.M. Station? You'll have to see her anyway if they give f(x) the track. What better if you both guys are already reconciled by then…?”

"Yeah, I know it’s just... I can't help but feel nervous and anxious at the thought of meeting her and seeing her."

“Amber… Is there anything else you haven't told me? Did anything else happen that day that you said you argued about your lack of communication and trust?”

“…”

“Amber…?”

"Jong?"

“So, something else happened, right? What happened and why did you guys really argued?

“…It wasn't exactly an argument. In fact, we didn't even say anything…”

"I don't understand"

“You must promise me for the most precious thing you have in your life that you will not tell anyone. Not even your sister, or your girlfriend or team mates, nor even your mom, Jong. No one can ever know what I'm going to tell you. If anyone were to know or hear even the slightest comment and create a rumor, it would not only ruin my life, but also Krystal's career forever."

“Wait… Was it that serious?”

“At least for me and probably for her, yes. And I am sure that for this country and this industry as well… and god, their parents. If their parents know they’re gonna… oh god”

“Okay, calm down. Breathe… I’m sorry for asking you. Now I feel guilty for making you confess. But if you want me to help you, I need to know exactly what happened and what's going on. You can trust me, Amber. I will never tell anyone about what you tell me here tonight. You are my friend and I respect that with my soul. I will keep the secret until the day I die, just as you swore to keep mine. Cross my heart to die.”

"Don’t feel guilty, I just feel so overwhelmed and guilty. It’s like I’ve made a huge mistake and something terrible. But maybe saying it, maybe talking about this with someone could be make me feel better, or less guilty. I guess we can trust each other. You trusted in me when something happened. You told me what was wrong with you, so I guess I can trust in you… Okay, look…

what happened with Krystal… I swear I didn’t planed anything… I just...”

"God Amber...! if you're going to say it, Just do it now"

"We kissed…"

I slowly saw how Jong's eyes widen, then he blinked several times rapidly trying to process, I guess, what I just told him.

“See… even you are at a loss for words. How could anyone else take it well or normal?

"No, is not that. I'm sorry, look. I think it's… it’s… I think is fantastic. It's just that I'm surprised, I didn't think you and Krystal had crossed the line already. This is huge and wonderful"

"It's not like we've already 'crossed the line.' It just happened. I really don't know what happened. We were watching a movie, and suddenly we were kissing. It was rare, spontaneous. It's not like I planned it or anything, it just happened."

"Isn't that how it always happens?"

“I don't know Jong. It's not like I'm kissing everyone with I hang out or watch movies."

"Well you should"

“Ha. Ha. You are not helping anything. That’s it… that’s what happened. We kissed and since that day I don't even dare to text Krystal. Maybe she even has me blocked at this point. I don't know"

“Well, look… if I’m honest with you, I thought that it was something else… something more serious. More mature, you know. So in my point of view, it's not that terrible."

“It’s not terrible, you say. More serious, more mature… wait, what do you mean with something more mature?”

“Just… nothing, let’s not talk about that. You’re too innocent for that”

“You’re making fun of me. Now. When I’m opening my heart to you and telling you that I kissed my best friend, who turns out to be a girl. And not just a girl, but one of the most popular girls in the industry, and you make fun of me. Seriously Jong?”

“Hahahaha… No, sorry. I’m not mocking you. I didn’t want to. It just you’re kinda cute being all nervous and stressed out for a kiss. It’s like a teenager. It’s cute”

“I’m not cute, right now I’m thinking in the possibility of being a murderer”

“Okay. Okay. Chill out. Did you forcer her or something like that?”

“NO! Of course not, I would never do something like that. The truth is that I don't even know how it happened. I don't even know who started it. It must have been me, there's no way it was Krystal who started it all."

"Why? How are you so sure about that?"

“Well, because it's Krystal. Why would she had initiated a situation to kiss me?

“Oh, well… I don't know, Amber… Why do people kiss others? Maybe, and I’m just saying non senses, but maybe she kissed you because she likes you…?”

"ME? Ha! Krystal liking me romantically… Yeah. Yeah. Right. Stop mocking me, please”

“Why can you like her, but she can't be interested in you? Why are you suddenly so closed to the idea that someone, in this case Krystal, could be interested in you?

"Because it’s ME. Come on Jong. Look at me, it's just me. Amber, there's nothing special about me. Do you really think a girl like her would notice me in a romantic way? Don’t be Cruel"

“Amber, I'm telling you this as a friend, and because I appreciate you very much. You are an idiot"

"Wow… Thank you. First you mock me, now you call me an idiot. What a friend I got"

“No, look. Really. You are an idiot. You are an amazing girl, with a wonderful talent for music. You are very smart and funny. In addition to that you have a very own style and you are very authentic. Is it really that hard to believe that a girl like Krystal, Who yeah, is beautiful and elegant and whatever you want, but she's still a girl. It’s really that hard to believe she couldn't notice you? Let me tell you that you have a very bad image of yourself, and with that attitude, you definitely won't be able to get anything with her."

"I didn’t know you thought all that about me. Do you really think all that nice things about me?"

"Of course! Amber, let me tell you something I've learned from people. We all want someone who is sure of themselves, someone who knows all the good things themselves. And yet do not go around believing that is superior of others”

“I don’t know. It’s the first time I feel this way. I never thought what I like or not about people, or girls”

“Do you like when Krystal acts with confidence?”

“Yes… I guess so. I mean, it’s kinda cool when she acts like that.”

“See, that’s my point. You have to be more self-confident”

“Wow Jong. Since when you are an expert in relationships and people?

"I'm not. I just observe, my friend. I always observe to everyone around me and learn how they behave. Where do you think I get inspiration for my songs? In fact, I'm already thinking about how to create a song with your situation."

“Jong…”

"Don't worry, it will only be a song. Without names, without anything that could give you away. I think I'll call it *Tell me what to do?* I think it’s perfect for how do you feel right now"

We both laugh at his lame joke and eat without talking about it anymore. Later, while we eat I find out by reading a comment that Krystal will go to China to record for a few weeks. I had completely forgotten about it. Krystal signed for a big Chinese series and movie project. She will be recording in both countries for several months. At least until June. Now I know I have to hurry if I want to fix things with her.

“Jong, if you are going to help me, it must be now. As soon as possible"

“Why so suddenly? Something happened?"

“Krystal will go to China to record for weeks. If I don't talk to her this week, I'll have to wait months before I can clear things up with her."

“We’re with the time against us, then. I guess nothing’s better than some distance to reconsider and hurry things up. Uh”

"Leave me alone. Are you going to help me or not?"

“How sensitive, Girl. Well. Well… Let me send her a message to see if I can make something concrete this weekend”

After a few minutes, which seemed like hours, Jong tells me that he managed to convince Krystal to get together. So now I have the time and the day.

Two days from now to mentally prepare for what I'm going to tell Krystal.

Two days to decide if I should go with a confession or just resign myself to having her friendship