July 2015

It's strange how a person can enter in your world and change it completely. Given it new shapes and colors, even new smells.

I know this may sound weird. But from time to time I like to watch some interviews of my agency´s colleagues, just to see how real they are. Most of them create a character in front of the cameras and when they’re off the stage, they change completely. That's why I don’t like to interact with others idols.

Well, of course not all of them are like that. I have some acquaintances, who always act the same. No matter if they’re on the stage or outside of it.

During one of those interviews I remember seeing that Krystal was very reserved and with a circle of friends reserved. Little by little, when I began to pay attention to her I realized that, indeed, she is, But only when she’s in these large crowds. In fact, Krystal is incredibly sociable and talkative when she’s with people she likes. Just like today.

If I am honest I don’t understand how I ended here. Having diner in my place surrounded by three very, very, very talkative and cheerful girls. And they have this notorious taste for speaking at a high volume. Did I mention they’re very talkative? As I said, it's really a mystery how someone can change your world without you realizing it.

f (x) is working on their new album, which I'm also part of as a producer. The agency lately doesn’t give me many jobs promoting my image but they give me many projects in production and musical arrangements. And why did I mention this? Well, because my apartment is only five minutes from the agency, and at first I offered Krystal to stay a couple of nights when the preparations ended almost at dawn. But somehow the other members of the group; Luna and Victoria ended up in my apartment pretty much every day since then.

At first, I must admit that it was kind of annoying to get used to seeing my place invaded by so many girls, which took over my kitchen, my room, my bathroom and my phone number. My cell phone has always been just a work object and something to communicate with my fans. But suddenly, it began to be harassed by all these calls, messages and chats. Apparently people occupy this device to talk to each other, even when they are in the same room.

One of my rules in the house is to leave the cell phones on the table and the first to see it pays for the dinner. It was nice to eat for free for a few days. But with the passing of days, little by little the cell phone began to disappear and only be seen when it was really necessary. I was forced to cook for 3 exhausted and hungry girls.

On the other hand Krystal and I have become quite close, At least in a certain way. Neither of us speaks more than necessary. There’s no need to personal questions. I think it is better this way. I don’t need to know things she doesn’t want to share and there are many things I don’t like to talk about. It’s a comfortable ignorance.

While Luna and Victoria take rest for of a few hours before returning to the exhaustive activities, Krystal and I were sitting alone in front of my apartment window, both of us silent as usual. She’s listened to some of my demos that she found on an old MP3 player.

"You really should let the agency listen to this."

Krystal says to me taking out a hearing aid and breaking my concentration, while I read an old Korean story to improve my Korean.

"Maybe I'll do it in time. The truth is, those songs are really precious to me.”

"I liked it a lot. If I get to have a solo one day, I want to sing it"

There goes again this girl with the habit of never asking, just take.

“You shouldn't ask me first if I want to give it to you."

"Of course not. I know you'll let me sing them. You can’t tell me not to me."

I just don’t know how to respond to that because it's completely true. I can’t say no to her. We’ve become very close. We spend a lot of time together despite knowing not much about each other, but the fact that I’m producing their album and my phone is full of her messages I guess is the sign that is the beginning of a great friendship.

“Can I ask you a question? A personal question?” she looked me unsure

“Of course you can. But I can't assure you answer it” i avoided her sight

"Where are your parents?" she asked me seriusly

See. This is what I mean when I say that Krystal is totally unpredictable. I guess this thing about not talking about personal things has a limit. I knew that sooner or later she would start asking these kinds of questions.

"You can Google it. There is it all my information"

“I know you don’t like to talk about your personal life, but I couldn’t help but notice that you never talk about your parents or your family. I just want to know if everything is ok”

When Krystal utters the last words I can’t help but notice that the volume goes down a bit. She really is a very special person. She knows that it’s a delicate subject, and despite having doubts, she approaches the subject in the most subtle way she can, or at least that it seems to me.

Finally I decide to leave the book aside and concentrate completely on her. She looks somewhat shy, but there is curiosity in her eyes. I guess if I want to this work, I must be a little more open. I want to trust her.

"You want the Agency's truth or my truth"

"I want you trust in me..."

I wonder if she can perceive that every time she says things like that my defenses go down and I feel completely vulnerable. But for some reason that I still can’t understand, I don’t care. I want her to know this dark side of me.

"Ok. The truth is I haven’t parents… I mean, I have parents. I'm not an experiment or something; it's just that they abandoned me when I was a baby… I grew up in an orphanage in LA. I don’t have siblings, or I think so. I really hope that the woman who gave birth to me don’t continue to leave children everywhere.

In the orphanage I had a tutor, who signed with the company so I could come here. And when I came here HyunJoon Oppa became my legal guardian until today. He's the one in charge of the negotiations, he and my lawyer. The agency created the story that my parents live in the States, but we don’t have a good relationship because they never accepted my decision to be a singer. So the fans don’t ask questions and never talk about these bad parents. I suppose its better this way, so nobody bring up the subject that I was abandoned.”

"I'm Sorry. I shouldn’t ask."

"It's okay. It’s not something that bothers me to be honest. It doesn’t hurt me to talk about it or anything. It's been a long time since I've been whining”

"Have you ever looked for them?"

"I tried it once.  But I realized that I just wasted my time. It was an illusion. You can’t miss what you never had, right"

I guess I took Krystal by surprise with my answer. I can see that she have many questions but she doesn’t dare to say anything else.

"I’m not gonna ask about your family. I can see how proud your parents are every time you're on stage. Even though your father looks a bit scary, he's the one who shouts the most and takes pictures when you have presentations."

"Oh my God! Have you seen them?!"

"Hahaha… Of course. i even know them.  I've talked to them a couple of times. I remember once you fainted after finishing a presentation at a SMTown in Hong Kong. After a few days I remember crossing with your mother at the agency and asked for you. I think your parents are great. "

"Did you talk to my mother during those days?" "Why you didn’t tell me anything? She didn’t mention it either”

"I don’t know if you noticed that we didn’t use to talk before. We just barely waved at each other and it would have been strange to approach you and talk to you like nothing."

"I think it would have been nice if you had asked me directly how I was"

Ok. Now this is awkward. I just wanted to comment on something that seemed trivial to me but Krystal reacted as if I had despised her or something. What am I supposed to say now?

"I didn’t want you to think I was meddlesome"

"I wouldn’t have thought that."

"I know now and I'm sorry. I should have approached you before. The truth is I always thought you didn’t like me."

"Everyone always thinks that."

"I’m sorry."

Well. Now I’m confused. How we get to this. I remember we were talking about music and now I'm apologizing for something that happened over a year ago and that is absolutely irrelevant.

"I know that...  I know that most of the time it's look like I’m upset or that I don’t care for anything. I know they say that I never smile, but the truth is that I stop doing it because they said that my smile it wasn’t nice… I always read that I feel superior to the rest… And the truth is that for a long, long time that hurt me. .. My sister always told me not to worry because my fans would realize that none of that was true. But I still couldn’t help feeling sad… then as I grew up, this situation was becoming less and less important to me and I started to avoid most of the people. In the end, I realized that it only matter the opinion of my family and my friends. If no one ever took the time to really know me, then I shouldn’t worry about what others might think of me. "

“Is a really smart decision… And Actually I think your smile is beautiful ..."

And here I go again, speaking without think. My brain lately doesn’t seem to work well when it comes to Krystal.

"I'm sorry. That was awkward. I meant that you shouldn’t listen to comments like that. I've always believed that kind of statements comes from people who are just jealous. I know it doesn't mean much, but I think you're perfect in the way you are. Im not gonna lie, Sometimes your eyes... your sight can be a little scary. Too deep, you know. But I think I have gotten used to it. It’s part of your charm...”

"...Thank you."

"You're welcome"

We both came back to the already recurrent silence, focusing on our previous activities. I tried to concentrate on my book again as I felt a strange emotion as I watched Krystal smile and straighten her hair trying to hide her sudden embarrassment. After a few minutes I couldn’t get out of my mind something that Krystal said.

"Krystal ..."

"Amber ..."

"I'm sorry for judging you before meeting you"

"It’s Okay. You don’t have to apologize for that."

"I've always tried not to be like other people. And I try don’t fall for first impressions but I guess I'm just like everyone else."

"I don’t think that's true. If I thought you were just like everyone else, I wouldn’t be here now"

"Then I think I should be flattered by your presence here"

"Of course."

"It is an honor to have her majesty in this humble home."

We both laugh at how easy is to talk nonsense and create such situations. After a few minutes I sit down in the armchair and resign myself to not reading. I can’t concentrate anymore. Then I look at Krystal who's looking at me intensely for a few seconds, then like if was the most normal thing to do, she rests her head on my shoulder. Close her eyes and begin to fall asleep while listening to music.

Of course this is not absolutely normal for me. I have never been good with physical contact, my body reacts automatically. I get tense and feel the need to get away. Obviously I'm not gonna do it because that would be very rude. But I wanna run out of the room right now.

"You should go to the room and get some rest. Tomorrow you have a lot to do."

"Sometimes you talk like my mom"

"I will not speak anymore then"

"It's the best idea you had today."

In the end, I can’t move and Krystal falls asleep on my shoulder. At this distance I can’t help but notice her perfume. Or will it be her shampoo? Smell like something sweet but floral. It reminds me to the spring.

Suddenly she moves and I realize that I was staring at her. I dare not even breathe just to not wake her up. I should have forced her to go to the bedroom. Because now I'm sitting here in front of the big living room window, trying not to move to not wake the girl I never thought I could approach.

And that's how I slept that night. Without nightmares, looking at the city covered with lights that never sleep and feeling the sweet smell of spring, despite being in the beginning of the autumn.

It's strange how someone can change even the perception you have of the seasons. Suddenly, spring became my favorite season.

************************

Hello my dear readers :D I have to apologize for taking so much time to update. But somehow my life become  little busy xD But, now everything it's back to normal so I can write again.

thanks for follow this lame story of mine. Pleas feel free to comment an leave some advices and suggestions. If you wanna read something in particular :) please let me know.

Have a great week XoXo ^^>