2Jae

PG-15/Teen and up audiences

Canon, Drama, Romance

loss, break-up

~Prologue~

Being together for so long – working, eating, sleeping, even showering next to each other – which means over five years, leaves marks on each other’s souls and builds ever lasting memories. No member would deny that through time growing closer, also their feelings towards each other changed.

While leader Jaebum was more like an older brother for Youngjae at the beginning, always taking care of him, they grew on each other and at one point in time they couldn’t deny that love had come between them – if they wanted or not. Of course, both did not realize at first that their affection towards each other was different than to the other members and how everything meant so much more. The gazes more intense, the touches more lingering and their pulses faster, heart beats speeding up, when they were alone somewhere. It was clear for both of them that something changed, but neither of them could understand what it was, just that living apart from the other, spending time not with each other, became somehow painful, both simply refusing the fact that their deep fondness to each other developed from a trustful friendship to a dependent love. The urge to stick together was strong, though their special bond was proven through hardships. When Jackson partly moved out, the team was disrupted in their natural flow and dynamics. A little later Youngjae left. The close team, especially Jaebum, was once again shaken. Was it the leader’s temper that drove the younger away or was it time to move on, to go separate ways? Has Youngjae finally outgrown the safe nest of the dorm and the protective behavior of the leader who had been his ‘more-than-friend’ for years or did JB drift away too far, shutting himself off from the rest of them, pursuing his selfish, self-centered path?

❄❄❄

It was the end of November and JB was sitting alone in a dark hotel room in Japan. He had a glass of whiskey in his right hand and his phone in the left. The comfortable sofa chair he was sitting on was turned towards the huge glass windows and he could see the beautiful skyline of Tokyo. They have spent already a lot of time in this country that he became so familiar with it that it felt like his second home. Over the years his language skills improved tremendously and he even felt confident in talking on stage now, making jokes. His phone screen illuminated for a second, indicating the arrival of a new message, but when he saw their manager’s name, knowing it was only about tomorrow’s schedule, he threw the phone onto the huge bed next to him. What did it matter now, he thought to himself. He took a sip of his drink and turned his head. The digital clock on the night-stand read 1:30am and he closed his tired eyes, trying to relax. He thought of Seoul and remembered that his mother texted him in the afternoon that it was snowing already today. The first snow this year and his mind started to wander.  

Flashback

Jaebum slowly embraced Youngjae from behind, encircling his hips and crossing his arms in front of the other’s body. The younger instantly huddled against the older’s broad shoulders. “Hyung, look, it’s the first snow this year,” Youngjae whispered and turned to look into the other’s eyes. The leader pecked the round cheek of the younger and smiled against his neck. Even though the light was rapidly fading outside, they still stood there, arm in arm, sharing warmth and love. They stood at the wide living room window of their dorm for quite a while admiring the white flurry snowflakes until Jinyoung called their names for dinner. Moments like these were rare and therefore, even more precious. Time flew by way too quickly with oversea schedules, comeback promotions and individual and group training. One might think it would be great that the two of them shared a bed, but every night they were just too exhausted to talk, cuddle or do something else. Jaebum tried to keep his own promise to at least kiss the younger good night every day, but sometimes not even this was possible when his heavy body hit the mattress, he instantly fell asleep only to get up again a few hours later.

There was not really time and space for showing their growing love to each other in addition to Youngjae’s bashful attitude. The younger member flushed red whenever JB took his hand, intertwined their fingers or simply rested his head on his shoulder. For months they progressed to shy kisses. Jaebum tried his best not to cross the invisible line that the younger set, panicked that he was rushing the vocal into something he didn’t want or felt too pressured to do. They took their time and over many months their secret crush developed into a stable relationship, but the words of love that everyone desires to hear were never spoken out loud.  

    The turn of tide happened when the management encouraged the members to switch rooms and Youngjae decided to reside with Mark. Jackson wanted to buy his own apartment soon, so it was only a matter of time for JB to room with the Hong Kong native. Being together, even only sleeping next to each other or, when they finally got their bunk beds, in the same room was always s constant in their hectic idol lives both wanted and enjoyed. The familiar days were gone and a slow alienation took place. Time and time again JB longed to be in the main vocal’s presence. He missed the younger and his laugh, his dreamy eyes directed at him and his low voice saying ‘good night hyung’. Especially in the colder time of the year JB missed the other dreadfully.   

❄❄❄

The seven boys were in the practice room to work on their end-of-the-year stages and during a break they fell on whatever was available. Jackson and Jinyoung lay close to each other on the couch, Mark sat on the high stool, the maknaes were still dancing in front of the mirror in a corner of the room, while Youngjae and Jaebum lay down on the floor. Lately, Youngjae was constantly with his phone, checking messages or making short calls. The members knew that he was seeing someone and it wasn’t unusual that he was talking into his phone in a sweet voice every now and then. This time, because they lay quite close to each other, Jaebum caught the other saying “I love you” which surprised him and sent a flash of pain right through his heart. He looked up to the ceiling, the lighting blinding him and he told himself it is the brightness that made him tear up, but in reality he remembered devastatingly that these words had a special meaning to them and it took them ages to speak them out loud.

Flashback

JB’s heart was so heavy; he couldn’t bear it anymore and walked over to Mark and Youngjae’s room. He wanted to invite his boyfriend over to spend some time together, but all he found was the younger asleep and Mark on his phone.

Jaebum didn’t want to spend another night alone, so he tried to wake the lead vocal up without much success. He talked a while with Mark, but wanted to try again. When Youngjae still didn’t wake up, he simply carried him over into his bed. Yes, JB was selfish in this moment, but as soon as he could take the younger into his arms, he felt content and happy and didn’t care much about anything else.

When Youngjae woke up the next morning he was more than confused. His phone didn’t wake him, he was in JBs bed and he was sweating because the older cuddled him nearly to death, the older’s arms around his torso felt like metal chains. Quickly he became annoyed (he usually wasn’t in the best mood in the morning when he had to get up) and pushed the still sleeping leader from him, waking him up in the process. Jaebum’s smile quickly turned sour when he saw how angry the younger was. Instead of wishing each other a good morning, kissing and talking, Youngjae got up and wanted to go back to his room only to be held back by JB.

Their argument was quick and loud, probably waking the rest of the dorm. Even though Youngjae let the other know his displeased state, the leader usually had the upper hand in any fight. When Jaebum was in a frenzy it was hard for him to cool down and all the frustration and loneliness that had built up was released in this very moment. He couldn’t hold back anymore. He screamed in the main vocal’s face: “I love you Choi Youngjae, I love you! I love you so damn much, it hurts when I cannot be close to you. I love you, why can’t we just be together and say these words? I love you more than I can even show you. You won’t let me close and it’s frustrating and painful. I freaking love you Youngjae-ah!” The last sentence was spoken so softly and desperately. The younger closed their distance in one step and their lips clashed onto each other. There was nothing more to say, but to show. Jaebum was surprised at first, but understood that also Youngjae had pent up needs and after so long, it was finally said and proven that they both shared the same feelings. Needless to say, they did not make it out of bed in time this morning.    

❄❄❄

As Jackson promised the interviewer at the MAMA awards after they received their special prize, they were in a top-notch rooftop bar and club in Hong Kong watching over the skyline, despite their early flight back to Seoul.

But tonight, they agreed on “No regrets” and were all enjoying the steamy music on the dance floor and letting expensive liquor run down their throats. Just leader Jaebum was sitting alone at the bar, watching out for the youngest members, but his eyes were mainly fixed on Youngjae and his current state. He and Mark were dancing with some girls and he tried his best to keep cool, even drinking less than the others to make sure they would get back to the hotel safely. Although, the bar wasn’t that far from their hotel and the manager was downstairs with their car, he still had this sense of responsibility that he just couldn’t let go. He was their leader after all and as much as he would love to let himself go, he just couldn’t, the main reason not making a fool of himself in front of Youngjae who he still dearly loved and adored. Every girl that approached him he declined and when Yugyeom wanted him to dance with them he told the maknae simply he was too tired, he even ignored the younger’s provocative “grandpa” joke. He really wasn’t in the mood. Jaebum felt like in a glass cage, he could see his former lover, but he was not allowed to touch and it was forbidden to protect him and this was probably the most painful experience for him. All he ever wanted for the other was to be happy and if it wasn’t with him, than he would not stand in the way.

    Jaebum was a very protective guy and he sometimes tried to understand that Youngjae was overwhelmed by his attention. When the younger grew older, he probably felt a little controlled and observed by the other, which made him a little uncomfortable for sure. Every now and then they were fighting over little things, when Youngjae became naughty, when he asked for the elder’s touch or addressed him informally when they were with the other members or staff. JB allowed him to drop formalities only when they were alone in the bedroom, just the two of them. And JB really had a thing for Youngjae’s during .

His thoughts traveled back to a time when Youngjae was his everything and the times they just couldn’t be physically together. They faced so many difficulties and misunderstandings, but still made it through – together.

Flashback

Jaebum lay on his bed, breathing deeply and slowly to try to ignore the searing pain in his lower back when his phone vibrated. It was late but he knew who sent something because he asked the younger to do it. He lifted the phone above his head to open the message from Youngjae that read “Miss you hyung” and had a picture attached. It was a selfie that the younger took and his beautiful bright smile made the older even more depressed, so he tossed the phone from the bed and grabbed another painkiller. There was a time when Jaebum was very vulnerable and had to focus more on himself to cure his injured back, so Youngjae tried his very best to support the leader, like they all did, but more often he felt rejected on various levels. It was generally a hard period for Got7 when a year ago in April their leader suffered a spinal disc injury. JB of course wasn’t used to be immobile, at least at the beginning, later walking only slowly upright because of his back problem. Jaebum and Youngjae simply had no time to spend with each other, to cuddle or merely talk about their day. This was a very stressful and emotional straining period for them two. JB needed Youngjae, but couldn’t be with him since the boys normally continued their schedule, their concert tour and they were constantly on the move. Jaebum had to endure rehabilitation and physiotherapy sessions and was left to himself, which was on one hand also positive, since he got to write a lot of lyrics and had peace and time to compose. But still, he felt lonely and miserable without his sunshine. So, needless to say, this time was very hard on their relationship, when Youngjae could only call once a day and they were barely talking ten minutes on the phone or computer. The older always said to the younger “I wish I could be there for you, with you.” It weighed heavily on JB that he was not able to be there for Youngjae, to protect him and watch out for him. He felt incomplete and was constantly in a bad mood.     Youngjae on the other hand slowly became to enjoy his freedom, learned to be more self-confident and to speak up for himself. Surely, he also missed their leader and JBs presence on and off stage like the other members, just a lot more that he sometimes couldn’t sleep properly or had no appetite. Every night Youngjae prayed for his fast recovery. During their first concert the younger couldn’t hold it in anymore and cried on stage because they made their song together and now he was alone on stage. He couldn’t bear it, especially since the song was written for each other and one of them was missing. It was a tough time, but they even overcame this.  

❄❄❄

On their way back from the airport to their dorms the first stop was usually to let off Youngjae who lived with his brother for quite a while now. They were all tired and exhausted, the change in temperature from Thailand to Korea was enormous and they all fell asleep in the car that was driving nearly soundlessly through Seoul’s morning traffic. Jaebum was the only one awake when the younger said a quick good-bye and got off in front of his apartment. The leader watched him and still longed for him, although, it was poison for him, but he couldn’t stop. He remembered well how it happened that the young lead vocal left the dorm, how they argued about Youngjae being out with his brother and friends and that he was not reachable the whole night; that he came home very late and JB stayed up to wait for him. Therefore, he lost his temper and Youngjae left in tears, only to be back a few hours later to announce he will move in with his brother and he already sorted out everything with the company. All the other members were sad and Mark was the first to call for Coco since he would miss her badly. JB knew well it was his own fault, that his over-protective nature and jealous attitude killed their relationship. He even was told by their manager to leave Youngjae be when Jaebum rushed him to the hospital because of his painful back and the elder didn’t want to leave his side. Only when the doctor told Youngjae’s parents that he will be fine and the older overheard it, it was ok for him to leave the other’s side. Yes, he was possessive and had a bad temper at times, but he had gotten better and gave the other more freedom in everything. He didn’t check his phone or asked him about every appointment he had. Maybe he wanted to make it right, maybe he was too selfish and wanted to have this beautiful sunshine only to himself. He had no problem to share the younger with fans and the media, s or the camera, but when they were alone, when Youngjae and the boys were in private, he solely wanted the other’s attention. Eventually, JB’s love to his cats and his caring for them were an excuse to not focus too much on the other vocal, to give him more freedom. Deep down inside the leader knew that too many things were keeping them apart. Nevertheless, he still hoped for a happy ending, which had never been granted. Even now when he followed Youngjae’s back climbing out of the car, him turning and waving, mumbling since he was very sleepy, his heart ached. The younger’s beautiful features and his long black hair falling into his face he could only worship from afar. Their relationship was friendly, but he was more of a working colleague these days, leaving him with this “only-allowed-to-watch-not-touch” feeling. He will not be with him, not anymore. Jaebum closed his eyes and let his head fall back. He would never ever forget how the younger broke up with him before he finally left, how much emptiness and despair there was. The scene repeated itself in his head already so many times that he could still hear and see every single detail. From Youngjae’s clothes, to his new perfume and how annoyed but sad he was, putting an end to this that was never meant to be.  

Flashback

"Hyung, I don’t need you anymore. I’ve grown up…” the younger whispered. “I know, I have recognized it – you are so self-confident, you became so y and mature, Youngjae I can’t handle it, if I think of you being with someone else I -.” Jaebum slowly shook his head, his eyes were dark and sad. “But hyung, you have to let me go. I’m old enough you know.” There was this reverie hanging in the air. The memories and love filling the small space they were in. “I know Youngjae-ah, please know that I will always love you, no matter what, I will always be here when you need me, when you need someone to talk to, to lean on,…” The older’s words were dripping of sadness and his voice already let through that he accepted his fate. He understood the loss he was about to face. “Hyung,” the younger stated and took the other’s cheek into his warm hand. “I know,” he whispered and softly kissed his lips for probably the last time. Ever. Both were savoring the moment, the intimacy and heavy love in the air. “I’m grateful for everything you gave me, taught me, made me feel, you know, I’ll always have a special place in my heart for you. But I’ve got to let go.”

No more words were necessary, Jaebum’s cheeks were wet by the tears he shed and the younger hated to see his leader in this state, but there was no turning back. Jaebum hardly ever cried, but this was the end of their relationship, though, not the end of their already many-years lasting close friendship. When Youngjae left the room JB stared at the ceiling, his eyes still swimming in tears. How could he move on, how could he live a decent life without his bright sunshine? Was he not the reason he got up smiling every day and appreciating all the things he had in life? When the younger moved out he had to come to terms with the fact that one day he might be losing his love, but that this day would have come so soon, way too soon, he hadn’t dreamt of. He kneeled down, reaching out for Nora and softly cradled her, his face buried deep in her cozy grey fur, her hair pushing his salty tears out of his face. It was the hardest, to wish Youngjae to be happy without him. To wish the younger the best of all the world could give. And he would hide their memories in his broken soul.

~Epilogue~

Writing became a habit for Jaebum to empty his mind and heart. All he wrote down came from his soul and he wanted to see his production as self-therapy. Whenever the burden of being alone or the still painful memories of a loved, but lost time pushed his mood down, he sat down to write, lyrics, poems, phrases, whatever came to his busy mind. More than often he came across fan comments of him being so cold and unreachable, but the truth was that what happened between him and Youngjae left him broken and shattered. He hoped that one day there will be a person in his life who could fix him, who could put him together and to make him feel whole again. Of course, he knew well, there would never be a second Youngjae, but there was still a chance of him being happy. He deserved a happy end himself, didn’t he?