Pairing(s): 2Jae (Jaebum and Youngjae)

Rating: PG

Genre: Romance

Words: 4k

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Friday evenings always have been the worst time of the day for Youngjae and just like he always thought this said Friday night it turned out that it would have been better to say no to the invitations he had gotten from his coworkers like he often did.
Why he hated it? Well in the Korean work culture, it was almost obligatory to go have drinks together on Friday evenings once all the work was done. It mostly ended with everyone drunk and having to help each other to somehow get home safely.

This was the simple reason why Youngjae was here on a Saturday morning too early for a day off work, a day he usually spent in bed till late in the morning in the warmth of his bed sheets.
December had already started bitterly cold as if the weather thought that it wanted to break some of it's own records. It could hardly be worse than what he could remember of what he had done in the night before, no the current situation was probably just as bad. Because not only was he sitting opposite of his ex, no he was obviously also in the apartment of his ex. They were sitting on a small table, a table they had bought together back when they were still dating, with a glass of water and a pill that would help against the headache that he had ever since he had regained his consciousness.

He remembered the talk he had held with the other person in the room a few hours ago a talk that had helped clear up some things and misunderstandings. But it also made him scared of the future would they be able to start all over again? He also felt like the one opposite of him was still able to read him like a open book like he used to before.

But just how did Youngjae end up at this exact situation? Let's turn back the time and start said Friday evening again.


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"Youngjae-ssi you have to cancel all your appointments for tonight, the boss just called in and organized a meal with the whole team." Kim Yugyeom one of his fellow coworkers approached Youngjae's desk. The younger one was new in their department and he was wondering if he knew what these "team meals" were all about.
"Thank you very much. Yugyeom-ssi. Just so you know, these dinners are relatively common, or the others just want to go for a drink after work. So you might keep most of your Friday evenings free. This will save you a lot of phone calls and canceling dates." said Youngjae. The younger man looked at him confused.

"How did you know I had to cancel a date?"

"Pure experience. I used to be the new guy and now it's you. I want to pass on my knowledge to you. There had been some situations I would have really liked to have someone giving me some advice on the things we do at work but are not really work related. " and with that Youngjae turned his attention back to the screen in front of him, it still would take a while until they all would head to the restaurant.

And like that Youngjae, his fellow coworkers and his boss got together at around 7pm to head to the restaurant where they always went when the boss of the department paid for their dinner. Not that it would be an extremely expensive restaurant, but if they had gone without him it would have been one of the little restaurants around the building where they worked at.
As soon as they entered the restaurant they were already led to a table where everyone could sit down.

"So gentlemen, what should it be today?" Asked the waitress, who after a few minutes had come to their table to get their order.
Like this the first hour passed at which all of them ate and drank plenty. Youngjae could already tell that his boss would probably have to go home after the next bottle of Soju.

How right Youngjae was. Not an hour later his boss was slowly getting carried to one of his co-workers' cars. In moments like these he was so glad to have not gotten his driver license yet. Now that most of the group was busy with their boss, Youngjae thought that this would be the perfect opportunity to go home without anyone noticing.

"Youngjae-sshi? Where are you going? Surely you do not want to leave us already, when now the fun really begins? ", Kim Yugyeom the new was obviously already drunk as well not as bad as their boss but he had already more shots than Youngjae did. The others in the round quickly raised objections that he could not leave just yet and have to drink a few more rounds with them. He already knew by then he would regret it the next morning if he kept drinking. How right he was.


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"Choi Youngjae! Choi Youngjae!" Cheered the group of men to spur on the younger.

"OK! OK, it's alright, I'll do it! Now please be a little quieter." It was obvious how embarrassed Youngjae was by the behavior of his coworkers but also to what he had just agreed.
What it was? To call his ex.
Yes, that's what his coworkers had come up with when they were a little tipsy and usually Youngjae would already be back home around this time and then hear what they had done on Monday morning.
One thing he was concerned about was whether or not his colleagues knew he that he would not be calling someone female. Would they despise him if they found out? Would they think he was disgusting?
Normally this would prevent him from doing such things. The fear that he would then be regarded as no longer normal. But then again thanks to the alcohol flowing through his system, he was more relaxed than usual and there was no turning back now.

He would now call his ex in front of most of his coworkers. His ex, Im Jaebum.
To which he still had feelings but had to close them behind a door and ignore them.
How so? Their relationship had not ended very well. Too much was said and promised but then not fulfilled. Too often had he spent hours waiting for the other or frequently to get stand up. They had started to drift apart after they had graduated from university. Both had different working rhythms and responsibilities.
It was not just because of Jaebum that it had not worked out after all. After graduating university, Youngjae had started working in an office and because he was new, he had often been assigned tasks that he had to complete within a few days and so had to work overtime often. He liked his work that's why it did not bother him in the first place, but the longer he worked there, the less he saw Jaebum his boyfriend.
Even though he used to sleep over in the apartment of the older, he often slept before Jaebum arrived. In the morning, when Youngjae had to leave for work again Jaebum would still sleep so deeply that he did not want to wake him or even could wake him up. Eventually it was more complicated for Youngjae to head to Jaebum's apartment after his meetings by taking the subway and the buss instead of to his own small apartment which was located just a few blocks way from his workplace. So in the last few months of their relationship, they barely had time together they often just sent a message back and forth, which was a lot for a day.

This was just not the type of relationship Youngjae wanted or could support. He often struggled to try to organize anything only to be canceled minutes in advance. So when he once again waited for Jaebum in his apartment one evening it was already way past midnight and the older still wasn't home, he packed his things together and left the apartment. He did not only pack the things he had brought that day no he packed everything. All his clothes he had forgotten at the elder's place or had naturally gotten space in his wardrobe. As well as little things like his toothbrush and other things, he packed in his backpack, went out through the door without looking back. And so, after almost 3 years of relationship he had left without a word.
At first he had hoped that Jaebum would contact him the next day, reach out to him as to what happened. He would confront what was going and why he had packed his things, but nothing no call or message. It was as if Jaebum agreed that they should not be together anymore that it was more of a hassle. And so the doubts that were quietly living inside Youngjae all the time were getting their response. Jaebum had probably not loved him as much as he loved him. That this was only for a short time and Jaebum could hardly have imagined a future with him anyway.

More than three months had passed since that said evening. Three months and he still hadn't been able to move on with his feelings for Jaebum. Three months when neither he nor Jaebum had contacted the other.
It was an open end to their relationship. So open that when Jaebum would stand in front of him he still would want to throw himself into his arms.
He missed his presence, his warmth, the way he had always looked at him, as if he could not see anything except Youngjae. Missed the way Jaebum always kissed Youngjae cautiously, as if he was afraid to hurt him in any way. He just missed everything that was Jaebum. He missed how Jaebum used him like a teddy bear at night, embracing him strongly so that when he tried to break free he would only let go unwillingly.

So it was probably a bad idea to call him now when his heart was still beating fast by just thinking about him. But Youngjae always kept to his words and so he would now have to take this "punishment" because of the drinking game they just had played.

He had not noticed how quiet it had become around him, the men who had spoken loudly only a few moments ago, the men who had laughed and occasionally tried to sing a song had now fallen silent and looked at him in surprise. Looks of astonishment were visible on their faces, shock but also sympathy. Could it be that he had said all of his thoughts out loud?

"Yes, Youngjae-sshi, you have and still do," said the somewhat cheeky Kim Yugyeom again. How much Youngjae would give to just sink into the ground and forget about this embarrassing situation right now.

"I think on this day and century we all live in we should not judgeanyone for their uality. After all, we are a developed country." This came from one of the oldest in the group.

Youngjae was more then taken aback. He had never expected such a reaction in his life. Not after he had received a very different reaction from his own family, as well as his so-called friends.

"Just go and call him now! I think we all are curious to hear what his and also your reaction will be."

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Once Youngjae stepped outside into the cold December air that was hitting him he reached inside his pocket and took his phone out. He had gotten one more shot just before he had stepped out because according to his colleagues this was part of his punishment. His coworkers had taken not with his leave with a nod, he left his jacket with them so they knew he would return. His finger was stuck right above the green call button. What exactly did he want to say to Jaebum? What did he want to hear from him? What if he was in a new relationship and already forgot about him? But without thinking further, he gently pressed the call sign.

Seconds passed in which he only heard the ringing of the phone and he almost started to hope that Jaebum would as he often had done in the past miss his call.
"Hello?" Youngjae was petrified, what should he say, how should he start the conversation? Had Jaebum erased his number and did not know who was calling him?
"Youngjae, is that you?" Said the voice through the phone. No Jaebum had obviously not deleted his number and knew exactly who was calling him this late on a Friday evening.
"Yes, it's me," Youngjae said softly into his phone. Silence fell over them. A silence so crushing on Youngjae that he could not stand it.
"Did you ever wonder why I left you? Why I left without leaving any trace any note for you? Why did you not try to contact me? Why did you not fight for me? Did our relationship really mean so little to you?" The words suddenly were just flowing out of him and while talking he got madder with every word that left his lips. Feelings that had accumulated in him for months now finally were came out of him, breaking free. He did not even give Jaebum a opportunity to answer one of his questions, he didn't even notice the tears running down his cheeks. For him the pain was still so present that it tightened his chest, suffocating him.
"Youngjae? Are you drunk?" He heard the voice through his phone. Of all the things he could say, was this the only the he could think of? What did this say about their no longer existing relationship? How could he answer this simple question, only more frustration started to build up in him.
"Youngjae! I do not want to discuss your questions with you over the phone. It's just as bad as disappearing without saying a word. If you want answers, we'll do it face to face." That was a clear statement. And the older one also knew that there was something Youngjae had never been able to do to Jaebum, saying no.


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After finishing the call he went back into the restaurant, his coworkers looked at him curiously, and he told them in a few words that he would leave now. He did not mention that he would meet Jaebum now because then they would assail him with questions on Monday if everything had cleared up between them or not. So he packed his things and left quietly.

Where he went? They decided to meet up at the coffee shop in which he and Jaebum had met at for the first time. He had been a part time worker at that time on his first day and had prepared the wrong coffee for him as the first mistake and to finish it up poured everything over his outstretched hands. Why exactly Jaebum had slipped a note with his number on it and visited the shop on a daily basis was still a mystery to Youngjae.

When Youngjae finally went into the coffee shop, the smells and sounds that were surrounding him were only too familiar to him. Just like before Jaebum was sitting at a table at the glass front with two cups of steaming coffee in front of him. Hesitantly, Youngjae stood at the entrance for a moment. Now he still had the chance to turn back and avoid this conversation. But after all it had been him who had initiated this, he had called Jaebum. He took one last deep breath, crossed the room, and sat opposite Jaebum in one of the invitingly comfortable armchairs.
At first neither of the two said a word. Silence surrounded them, something that had barely existed at the beginning of the relationship.
"You still drink your coffee the same way you used to right?" Jaebum's voice finally broke the silence between them. Youngjae was still drinking it like he used to even though his consumption of coffee had increased and he occasionally drank coffees that did not really suit his taste.
"Yeah, I still drink it like always but you didn't had buy one for me." He knew that he sounded nothing like himself, ever since he had left he started to hide his feelings behind a mask of indifference. He no longer wanted to be someone to stand in someones way or be a burden with his problems or feelings and the alcohol that was still in his body helped him to hide his true feelings. But before him was the reason why he did this, the reason why he could only sleep for a few hours every night because he missed the familiar warmth that was radiating from Jaebum.

"I suppose you're waiting for my answers, aren't you Jae-ah?" This nickname. The nickname Jaebum had always used and was the only one who had ever called him that. A tingling sensation went through him. The familiarity between them was still somehow there.
"Why else should I be here?" The younger man simply replied he didn't understand what was going on in the older one. Did not understand his intentions anymore.
"Before I answer your questions, I want to know one thing. If you had not been drinking tonight would you have ever called me?" Youngjae did not have to think long to find his answer to this one question.
"No, I wouldn't have." Jaebum nodded, he had probably expected such an answer.
"OK, fine," said the elder, after which silence reigned between them for a short time. Youngjae took a sip of the still slightly steaming cup of coffee and waited for him to speak.

"Did I ever wonder why you left? No, because I knew why." Jaebum started after a while and answered his first question, looking Youngjae straight in the eyes.
"Why did I never contact you? Would you have taken my call? Would you have given us another chance with the knowledge of how difficult it was to coordinate our work rhythms?" After these last words, Jaebum averted his eyes from Youngjae and stared at his mug for a while.
"I knew that you left because you could not continue like that. You were always the one who had been waiting for me, organizing everything just to be disappointed with me over and over again. I did not call you because I did not want to burden you unnecessarily again. Not like I've done in the last few months." The frustration was literally visible showing and with every word Jaebum said it seemed to grow. Frustration about himself and probably the whole situation. As much as Youngjae would like to say that it wasn't all his fault. After all it takes two person for a relationship, so in the end both of them had to fight for it. He knew that Jaebum had done his best, but it had simply been very often not possible otherwise. Youngjae himself had also made mistakes, their biggest flaw had been to never talk about their problems together to find a solution together.

"I should have taken more time for ourselves and work less overtime but it's easy to say those things now and I can barely make amends." Even though Youngjae was angry and disappointed with the whole situation and it made him angry to see that Jaebum was blaming himself because of everything. To see how he gave himself the blame for everything.
"Hyung! Both of us should have fought for this relationship, both of us have to make an effort and if it does not work out then it's up to both of us and not just one person." The words burst out of Youngjae.
He had not intended to blame Jaebum for everything. By the time he'd just thought that leaving was the best for both of them. Better without the other, maybe find someone who had the same or at least a similar structure as themselves.
"You know I regretted it right after I was alone in my apartment that night. Knowing that you would later go to your empty apartment, my things were all gone, but everything you've ever forgotten with me or just deposited have been back with you. At that moment, I would have liked to run back to you, hug you and never let go. But I made that step, how could I have just turned up on your doorstep again?"

What exactly were they doing right now? It almost seemed as if both wanted to blame everything on themselves. He had not intended this.
"When I packed everything and left, I thought that I would feel better afterwards, that I did not have to think about what we could do to spent some time together or how we could organize a date again. Over time I noticed how we both lived side by side and I got the feeling that you are slowly drifting away from me." He had actually wanted to hear Jaebum's side, but now that he had started to talk about his feelings he wanted to get rid of them now. Letting go of the wall he had pulled around him and be himself again.
"How many times have I felt like an idiot because I've been waiting for you for so long, but when I did not have to do that anymore knowing that you would not come I just felt lonely. Our good times have always overshadowed this. At the time, though, I just had too much at work and everything else, and it did not help to never see you." He'd always been someone who thought pessimistically about himself,. He always trusted a lot more in others than in himself. He had believed that when they were both together and fighting with each other for each other it would be enough, but at some point it had felt like he was fighting for them alone. But now after some time he saw Jaebum trying his best all the time. He had used exactly the same amount at the time but in whatever way it did not want to work out but he had tried.

Jaebum sat listening silently at first his facial expression didn't show at all what was going on in him. But the more Youngjae spoke, the more he said what had been on his mind all this time, the softer his expression became. And in his eyes an expression of grief appeared. Again there was silence for a moment. Both looked straight into each other's eyes, even when no words were spoken, their eyes spoke volumes. 'I missed you'

"Do you remember the promise we gave each other three years ago?" Jaebum said softly. How could Youngjae ever forget it?
"We can last forever," they both spoke at the same time.
"I missed you not only as my boyfriend, but also as the friend who was always there for me, listening to my problems. The warmth and security you've always radiated and still do." Jaebum said and a slight flush crept onto his cheeks.

Youngjae had hated every morning ever since, his safe rock was gone, the warmth that always gave him strength for the day ahead had been gone. His light in the night, his moon. And he had really missed him, no matter how much time had passed he missed him every day.

They never had such a conversation in the three years they had been together.
"We have never talked like this with each other, never talked about our hardships.” said Youngjae softly.
"Do you know how many times I've been standing in front of your apartment in the last few months? How many times I was about to ring on your door? How many times have I seen you across the street and felt a bit like a stalker? Do you know how happy I was when you called me today?" Youngjae was speechless. He had not thought that they would miss each other so much.

"I ..", he was so speechless that he wasn't able to form a proper sentence anymore. He also noticed how slowly the grief came up in him, mourning to have been away from Jaebum for so long.
"Hyung. I've missed you so much." Tears started to flow out of his eyes and the same expression was seen on Jaebums face.
“Jae-ah let's try it again and this time whenever it gets hard lets talk about it at first.”

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Monday morning.
What an eventful weekend Youngjae had after him. He was now back at work well more like he just arrived at work. He had spent all weekend at Jaebums apartment. They had a lot to catch up with. But he wasn't complaining at all he felt contented.
“Youngjae-sshi!” Kim Yugyeom greeted him from his desk a broad smile on his face.
“I can see that you must have spent a pleasing weekend.” he said with a grin on his face and then turning around to his desk. What did he mean with this?

“Youngjae-sshi you might want to pull up your dress shirt to hid the hickey your ex no your boyfriend left on your neck.” he heard from his side from another man who had a mischievous look on his face. To hid what?

Youngjae run to the bathroom, had he been blind while taking the shower in the morning and not seen that evidence that he had spent the time with Jaebum?
He was so going to get it when he would see him next.