Disclaimer : chapter mentions suicide.

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Junmyeon, being the undesignated leader in the group home, always felt the responsibility to take care of the other boys. 

Like that one time, when Sehun stepped on a nail, Junmyeon was right there with the first aid kit. He took care of the youngest, who insisted he was fine, but the nail pierced his skin, and Junmyeon knew he wasn't fine. 

It was things like this that Junmyeon felt in charge of. He paid attention, to everyone, no matter how small. That was one of his specialties.

He knew everyone's secrets, even though the boys tried to hide it from him. Junmyeon knew that Jongin was still buying drugs at school. He knew that Chanyeol was miserable, despite being a prankster. And he knew how Luhan was starting to care for Minseok.

Luhan tried to do it secretly. He would stare, or give Minseok some of his meat during dinner when nobody was looking, not even Minseok (Minseok always served himself the smallest portions). That was small stuff, but Junmyeon knew it was a big deal for someone as insensitive as Luhan.

"Hyung," Junmyeon said one day, tapping on Luhan's shoulder to get his attention. They were walking back from school.

"What?" The Chinese boy snapped, not bothering to turn around, still walking. The boy was walking all alone for the first time in a while, so that made it easier for the leader to talk to him.

"Do you... like Minseok-hyung?" Junmyeon should have probably not asked that, but as the self-assigned leader, he thought it was one of his responsibilities to know all the things that happened in the group home.

Luhan stopped mid-step, finally turning around to face the leader. 

"What?" The older hissed. He inched forward, but Junmyeon didn't back down.

"I've noticed. You're starting to act, different around him. I just wan-"

Before Junmyeon could finish his sentence, he was pummeling to the ground, his eye aching in pain. The older had just punched him.

The leader looked up to Luhan from where he was, now on the ground. His left eye was barely open, hurting in pain. Junmyeon clutched it, his other eye wide open in shock.

"Mention that, to anyone, and I swear you'll be dead."

Junmyeon knew what Luhan did to his father, how the Chinese boy strangled his dad when he was just 11. The threat scared him, but he also knew that Luhan wasn't a cold blooded murder.

Although not getting a direct answer, the punch he received was enough for Junmyeon to understand. He got his answer.

When they got to the home, Junmyeon was constantly finding Luhan's hard gaze on him. 

The leader tried to shove it off, but that was a difficult thing to do. He could feel holes being burned in him. Honestly, what was Junmyeon thinking? He wasn't a good fighter, but he had strong determination.

But that was it. If he did fight against Luhan, he was sure he was going to lose.

Throughout the rest of the day, he said no words. Junmyeon didn't even whisper to Chanyeol about their homework. No, that seemed too risky.

Soon enough, the days passed, and it seemed as if Luhan forgot. Well, Junmyeon knew that Luhan didn't forget, but he did back off for now.

Then the cycle of things went back to normal. Luhan would do small things for Minseok, things that the oldest didn't even notice, and Junmyeon would silently observe.

He wanted to be a good leader. That was all Junmyeon wanted. He wanted to have that power, he didn't care about all the baggage that came along with that title. All he wanted was to feel like he actually belonged, that the boys did want him here.

You see, a well hidden secret is that Junmyeon is lonely. Actually, all the boys in the group home are truly lonely, but it was different for the leader.

In the home, everyone had to seem strong.  Junmyeon always told himself that his pain is less than others in here. That his story isn't sad, it's just that of a stupid crybaby who wanted his parents to stay together, so he vandalized some stuff to get their consideration.

That wasn't it though. Junmyeon didn't know why he couldn't fully be happy, even at school when the leader was around his friends.

But he was sure good at pretending.

"Man." Jongdae sighed, picking up the strawberry that accidentally fell onto the floor and throwing it in the trash.

"Yah," Junmyeon said, cutting up some pineapple. "How many times have I told you to leave the cutting to me?" His voice came out calmly, never harsh. 

"Yes dad." Jongdae mocked, getting out a bowl to put the fruit in. The pair were currently making breakfast.

Jongdae and Junmyeon are good friends. They didn't go out of their way to talk to each other at school, but they did greet each other with a quick 'hi' if they happened to pass in the hallway.

Junmyeon is also good friends with Chanyeol. They sat next to each other at dinner, and when they did their school work. They had class together, so they often asked each other for help on homework.

The leader had a room with both Chanyeol and Jongin. It worked out okay, because none of them really minded each other. Well, Jongin didn't really like either of the two, but he never made a big fuss over it.

There was this one time, when Chanyeol played a prank that ended really bad, and made Junmyeon question his leadership skills, but that's another story.

"Here, Baekhyun." The leader said during one day at dinner, giving Baekhyun his chopsticks. Then, he got up to get another pair.

Those were small things, that probably wouldn't have made much of a difference if he did them or not, but it did make a difference to Junmyeon.

He knew, that missing so much as one little detail, could cause someone their life.

This, was another secret Junmyeon kept. He didn't even talk about it when his parents came to visit. The fact was hard on all of them.

Junmyeon's cousin committed suicide when he was a little kid.

The leader was 7. He just entered second grade. His cousin was 14, he just entered high school. It was in the middle of the year, when this life changing event happened.

Junmyeon had just gotten home from school. He already knew that the atmosphere was different, and it was further proven when he saw that his father was home. His father was always working, but not on that day.

He walked in the kitchen, seeing as his dad caressed his mom, consuming her in a hug. His mother almost disappeared, comparing how small she was to his dad.

"Omma!" Junmyeon excitedly yelled, only to be greeted with his moms red eyes and sad smile.

"Hi Junmyeon." It was fake happiness. "How was school today?" His mom came over to Junmyeon, and bent down so they were eye level with each other.

"What's wrong?"

His mother didn't say anything. Her eyes went cold. His father had to sit his mom back down in a rusty old chair.

"Junmyeon." His father sternly said. It immediately scared the young boy. His dad never said his name like that, unless he was in trouble.

"Did I do something wrong?" Water filled Junmyeon's eyes. He always tried to do his best so his parents would never be mad at him. 

"No. No." 

"Then what's wrong?"

Junmyeon was little. He didn't quite understand what suicide meant, even when his parents took the whole night explaining it to him.

He knew what it was, but he didn't understand why someone would do that? He was only 7 at the time, still too young and too innocent to know what the world was truly like.

He even had trouble comprehending the fact that his older cousin was sad. How could he have been depressed? His cousin would babysit him sometimes, or he would play cars with Junmyeon and have many laughs. 

So, how? How could his cousin have been so sad to choose that? He had a great life. His cousins mom was wonderful, and so was his dad. They loved his cousin very much.

It didn't dawn on Junmyeon how heavy this actually was until he went to the funeral, two weeks after he received the news.

Junmyeon saw his cousins parents. They were, just sitting there, a blank expression on their faces. They looked tired, like they were just lifeless forms.

Little Junmyeon hid behind his mom as she approached the emotionless parents.

"Hello," his mom had said. Junmyeon was hanging on to his mothers dress. He saw their eyes up close, and that forever left a scar in Junmyeon's heart. They looked so, empty. "I brought these for you." He could tell his mother was trying to hold back her tears, handing the pair flowers.

"Thank you, sister." The man said, taking them, remaining emotionless. The woman stood up and gave his mom a hug, her sobs hardly audible.

"I'm sorry." His mother said, clutching on to the other woman. It broke Junmyeon's heart.

"Ah," Junmyeon's aunt said, her eyes finally sparking something when she looked down to the boy. "How are you, junjun?" That was the nickname she had for him.

"I'm---" he didn't know what to say. He could feel the tension, how it might not be best to say 'I'm good' In this moment. "Umm.." he played with his tux, looking down at his small feet. 

His aunt laughed. That was fake too. 

"Now now, we can't have you being sad." The woman smiled. Fake. 

Junmyeon's mom pulled him in front of her. It was silent. 

Before thinking, before rationalizing, Junmyeon jumped forward to hug the heartbroken woman. He was only 7, so that meant he was still pretty short, and so he only could hug her up to her waist.

The woman froze. She didn't move. She didn't talk. She stood there. 

But him, he was shaking. It was the first time Junmyeon actually cried. Cried for a reason other than falling, or getting a oo, or because his mom wouldn't buy him the ice cream he wanted, or because he got in trouble. This was a different type of crying. A crying where your whole heart ached, where you feel like this pain would never go away. It was that type of crying.

"I'm sorry that it hurts." Junmyeon muffled through the older womans dress. He was sure he was getting snot on it, but he couldn't stop the tears that were flowing.

It took a minute, maybe longer, till he felt a reaction. 

His aunt patted his head. That was all. That was all it took.

It felt like forever, until his mom pulled him away. 

"The ceremony is starting," his mother said. "We'll go take our seat then." It wasn't till Junmyeon looked up, that he saw his aunt crying.

That image was also something he would never forget. 

His mother bid their farewells and tugged her son on to find seats. For the rest of the time, Junmyeon didn't cry. Not even when speeches were made, or memories were shared.

Junmyeon hated his cousin in that second. It was a burning passion. How could he just, deliberately cause others so much pain? 7 year old Junmyeon asked himself that every night for almost a year after the funeral.

But now, now Junmyeon is 15. He now understood the reason his cousin had, for doing what he did. 

The memory still tore his heart, and it always will.

Now, 15 year old Junmyeon saw people for who they truly were. He saw the cheaters, the liars, the abusers, everyone. He begun to pay attention to everyone after that experience.

He studied the teenager on the train, who stressed over an exam. He studied the old woman at the restaurant, whose smile was stained with the bad times in her past. He studied the father at the library, who was sorry for all the wrongs he committed.

He studied the boys in the group home, who all shared different stories, but who were all so painfully shattered, that outsiders didn't believe they could be fixed.

But Junmyeon knew they could be. He saw them, for who they truly were.

He saw the boys as happy pranksters, as hungry eaters, as silly jokesters. 

He even saw them as lonely rejects, a label that the community placed on the group home and everyone in it.

All Junmyeon wanted was to protect them. He didn't want them to feel worthless. He didn't want them to feel like their was only one way out.

He didn't want them to suffer a lonely death.

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