Our schedule is finally over today.

Every member can't wait to go back to the dorm and take a rest. I'm organizing all of the members' stuff in our waiting room. Collecting members' phones, wallets, a little fan, towels, snacks, and many other things. The managers are helping as well. I see our members are so tired due to today's performance. Let's just let them rest. I wish to be useful to them. Me too have a good side on me.

Nayeon, who usually loud and goofy, is only staring at her phone. She sits on a chair with some wheels, so she can move it back and forward. Sometimes she turns herself around on that. Nayeon also has worked hard today. She deserves a rest.

Honestly, seeing my rival is quiet like this makes me relieved. I hate Nayeon because she always gets all the attention. She does whatever she wants. She's not serious and very arrogant. Although we have the same age, Nayeon considers herself as the senior of Twice. It makes me very uncomfortable to see her bullies everyone, including me. I know she's just having fun, but still...

It feels like everyone has to look up at her. Hhh... I don't know why a person can be so cheerful like that. Why is everyone likes her? I admit Nayeon is the cutest and most fun member. She's also very beautiful, like, very very beautiful! Looking at her smiles makes my heart flutter sometimes. I don't know. I just don't like her. But... Is it wrong to feel like this?

Jeongyeon sits right to Nayeon. She CLEARLY looks tired. Her eyes are half-opened and her lips are pouches unconsciously. Jeongyeon is scary when she's angry. The friendly Jeongyeon is gone when she's having a bad mood. She yells to anyone who has a messy room in the dorm, from Nayeon to Tzuyu, she yells to everyone. Including me. But when she's in a good mood, Jeongyeon is really caring, easy-going, and somewhat wise. She's the father of Twice, not because of her abundance of "dad jokes". But because everyone loves her like a father.

"Haeju," someone suddenly calls my name. It's Momo.
I raise my head as I'm squatting right now and she's up on the chair, "Yes?" I answer.
"Can you not throw that, please?" she points a bag of chips near me. I take it and check if it's empty.
"Nothing's here," I tell her.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, just some crumbles-"
"I want that," she says boldly.
"Uh, okay..."
"Can you please..........." Momo says while stretching her hand as if she's going to take the snacks. I sigh. Maybe she's too tired to get up, so I deliver it to her.
"Thanks," says Momo shortly with her signature nasal voice.
I peek at her exposed abs a little bit. All this "pig" does is eating yet she has the best body among the members. If you wanna summarize what's on Momo's mind, I bet there are only two things: Food and Dancing. Momo is so one-dimensional. She's like a side-character in a comedy movie. There's no much about her. 
"You're welcome," I smile at her. She doesn't notice me. It's okay.

I stretch my back because I have been bowing for so long while organizing these things. I look at all the members. Wait, where's Jihyo?

I get out of the room and find her speaking with one of the TV staff and our manager. They probably are evaluating today's performance and talking about our contract. I decided to join them. They all look serious, especially Jihyo.
It's hidden under her lovely makeup, but I know Jihyo is as tired as anybody else. Yet, she's still here working as the leader of Twice. I want to help her, so I take out my phone and start taking notes about their discussion.

It's quite long, apparently. After taking many notes at the speed of light, finally, I hear them end the conversation.
"Oh, Haeju. What are you doing?" she greets me flatly.
"Umm, I don't know if this is helping but," I show the notes on my phone, "I write important things from what I hear from your discussion so, umm, maybe you can read it if your forget something?"
"Daebak!" Jihyo takes my phone excitingly, "This is sure very useful. Thank you! Let's meet the members and announce what we just got," she says.
"Okay!" I'm happy to hear that.

I accompany Jihyo to tell some announcements to the members, They're all sitting around the huge round tables inside the room. Not all of them are listening carefully. Most of them are really drowsy and can't concentrate. It's fine tho.

After Jihyo tells everything, Mina asks the most questions. She's very critical and smart. Usually, our Penguin Princess doesn't talk a lot. But when she has something to say, Mina shows people that her brain is not ordinary. Mina looks so brave and charming from here. In front of her table, I see a bottle of water and a pack of her medicines. That means she just takes her medicines. I shouldn't be sad because of something like that. It's normal to have a mental issue, right?

...But I can't watch it any longer, it makes my heart weak.

"Again, again! Haeju is tearing again," Nayeon says. I turn my body and wipe my eyes. It's dry tho.
"Jujuuuuu, what happeeeeenns???" Sana asks from her seat.
"Why are you crying? JInjja," Nayeon continues.
"Nothing, nothing... Hehe. Sleepy," I say, "Go on, Jihyo."

After that, I hear something that really hurts me. I don't know who says it, but she says...
"I really can't understand Haeju."

I'm so hurt to hear that for some reason.

After our show is finished, each of us gets into the van. We have 2 fans, dividing us by 4 and 5. I'm in a van with Sana, Nayeon, Momo, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu. The light is turned off. This is the time where the members relax their self, probably sleep, or probably playing with their phone.
I sit on the back, beside Sana who sits near the window.
"Sana..."
"Yes, Ju?" she answers.
"What's wrong with me... Like, why do I keep crying randomly?" I ask her. I think everyone can hear what I just said. It's quite all of sudden. "I'm weird, aren't I?" I continue.
"Aww... You're just soft, Haeju. That's all," Sana my head that's leaning on her shoulder.
"But I really can't understand tho," somebody says in the dark, "Why does Haeju cry? What's wrong with her?" finally the question is asked again. 
"Nothing's wrong with Haeju!" Sana answers.
"But it doesn't make any sense. What does make you Haeju and what's not? What's the reason?" the person asks it boldly. I can't hold it anymore.

I quickly turn the light on to make sure who's speaking.

Somebody from the middle seat is turning her back to us. It's Momo...

"I'm sensitive too, but I don't cry like Haeju. There's always a reason that makes me cry," she says.
"I do ALWAYS have a reason why I cry. There is the trigger," I answer her back, "I'm NOT always crying you know!"
"What's the trigger then? I want to know," Momo says.
"Haeju is just... Soft... Aren't we all?" Sana says.
"Yeah, we are all. So, what makes Haeju cry in general? Probably an example would help. Because A LOT of things trigger Haeju," Momo asks.
"I... I am... I don't know why I cry, okay?! I feel like it's better for me to cry than to show other emotions like anger, disgust, or fear. It's just who I am."
"Momo- ya," Nayeon suddenly says, "I heard someone with anxiety has no control of their emotions. Maybe that's why Haeju cries randomly," she explains.
"Aah... That makes sense," Momo finally says.
"WHAT? YOU THINK I AM MENTALLY ILL??" I get angry punch the back of Nayeon's chair.
"OUCH! YA!!! ARE YOU NUTS???" Nayeon yells back.
"BOTH OF YOU ARE MEAN," I tell them before punch Momo's chair too.
"OUCH!!!" Momo yells.
"Ju... Ju... It's okay," Sana tries to calm me.
"What's wrong with you Haeju? Weird," Nayeon says.
"WHAT'S WRONG IS BOTH OF YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME IN THIS CAR, YOU KNOW! AND THAT'S MEAN!" I yell.
"Haeju... Haeju...."
"You don't have to punch me," Momo says, "IT HURTS YOU KNOW."
"Unnie, unnie... Don't fight," Tzuyu says.
"Well, I don't know who starts it. Not me," Nayeon says.
"NAYEON, TAKE YOUR WORDS BACK!" I tell her.
"Why should I? You punch me first," Nayeon says.
"YOU'RE ATTACKING ME!" I say
"I AM NOT!" she answers.
"It's okay, nobody is attacking you, Unnie," Tzuyu says to me.
"Unnie... Unnie... Everyone is tired. It's okay. Let's stop this," Chaeyoung says while Sana is hugging me from the back. 
"Tell that to two of those Unnie of yours," I say.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY HAEJU?"
"OKAY, EVERYBODY STOP!!!" Chaeyoung says before she turns off the light.

It goes dark so fast.
Silent. And cold.

"Everybody is tired. Let's just take a rest," Chaeyoung says.

I feel like I'm forced to stop talking. I loss my words. Suddenly, another tear fall on my cheeks.
I wanna say that... It's better to see me crying than being like this: Angry, vocal, strong, bold, and daring. I have this other side of me. I hate it.

I also have a dark side...

...so, just let me cry instead.