"To be honest, I have no idea why I'm interested in him!" Mina says. It's been a week since she told me about TTF and the fact that she was falling in love with one of our fans. Now I'm secretly a member there as well. I've seen Mina and her crush interactions on that forum. Mina also shows me all of their private conversations. So I can understand anything that she feels about him.

Mina puts her chin on her right hand while she is looking at the cafe window beside us. "Usually when I like someone, I feel peacefully happy. But this is different, Haeju!" Her head turns around to me. She squints as she is trying to feel something. "I feel....... Excited! Joy! My steps are lighter. Sometimes I realize that I'm smiling unconsciously. This is happiness, but it's different," Mina explains, "But....." She exhales deeply. Her gaze becomes weak. She starts playing with her glass of tea. "In the same time, I don't want to do anything. I lose interest in everything, except him. It is also painful when sometimes I want to chat him, but I'm in a situation that I know it will be awkward if I chat him first. So I don't do that. And I end up blankly waiting for him without being able to do anything.

I mean.... It's not just because I'm a girl so I don't approach boy first. Well, I DO talk to him first sometimes. I just.... Don't wanna be too aggressive. I don't want him to lose interest on me, you know that feeling, right Haeju?"

I let Mina looks at my face first before I answer her. "Yes, Mina, I understand," I say it genuinely.

She takes her time before continuing what she wants to say. "I guess I miss him, Haeju. I miss when he is being sweet in the chatbox. I like when he tries to cheer me up with her deep advice haha... I like when he shows his care to me. I like when we talk and he shows interest in me.

And vice versa! I like to show him that I care. I like giving him little surprises sometimes, or sharing videos and the songs that I like. Sometimes I stalk him or just admire his personality secretly...... I enjoy doing all of that!

I also enjoy waiting for him to reply. Even though sometimes it takes hours, or even days. I enjoy being patient and let him flirts to the other girls. I like that he doesn't really seem to love me back. I keep chatting with him even though English is still so hard for me. It's really annoying sometimes when English betrays me in expressing what I really want to say. I also enjoy the uncertainty of what actually he feels about me. It hurts, yes! It is painful, Haeju. But I guess I love to sacrifice myself so much....." She says.

I just realize that she is clenching her right fist. Mina is panting, that means she really means what she says. I see her trying to calm herself down. I grab her right hand gently to help her break the intensity. She peeks and then smiles at me.

"I'm so happy everytime he chats me.

In the chatbox or private message. He is a really good listener. I'm a closed person, but with him, I can say anything that I wanna say. Well, actually he still doesn't know that I'm Mina from Twice, of course. I told him that I was a trainee.... But for me, he is still a bit mysterious too. It's really hard to make him tell his stories. I barely know things about his life. I guess I'll just try to be more patience, right?

But I'm afraid if apparently, I'm not special for him. You know what I mean, right? (I nod) He is not the sensitive type. He doesn't like to tell what he feels. But I'm still afraid that he doesn't tell anything to me because I'm just "one of his friends". Nothing's more. I'm not yet her girlfriend after all! I'm just afraid I'm a fool to keep this feeling........" Mina starts to sound trembling, "I love him as I will accept any of his flaws! And I'm afraid if this is all wrong. Huft... This relationship won't work anyway. It's impossible for us to be together.

I shouldn't love him.

I shouldn't love him.

I shouldn't........."

Tears flow on Mina's pale cheeks. I get up and move to sit beside her. I reach her back with my arm. "Hey, it's okay. No need to cry.... There is nothing wrong with loving someone, Mina. It is a good thing that you keep it this far," I say. Suddenly she turns her body and hugs me. Mina starts crying. "You are just freaking out. And that's fine...." I hug her and try to calm her down. I guess she realizes that some people might hear her because then she makes her voice lower.

What I see right now is not the Mina I know. Whoever this guy is, he changes her. Mina doesn't just become sadder, she turns arrogant these days. Her way of talking becomes mean and so ignorant. She also loses her appetite and makes many mistakes while practicing. She even avoids being in v-live. It's painful for me to see her professionally pretending to be happy in front of the cameras. Or when she tries to smile to the other members and managers just because she doesn't want anyone worry about her. To be really honest, I really want her to move on from this guy and back to be the usual Mina. The Mina that I know. My peaceful and cheerful little penguin.....

Mina takes out a white-blue handkerchief from her purse to wipe her tears. I get her drink and give it to her. After some slurps, she inhales deeply, then looks at me and smiles.

"Hehe.. I'm sorry, Haeju, I don't expect I will cry like this," she says. "Ugh.. Why am I so sentimental all of sudden?"

"No no, it's fine. No need to apologize," I say.

"I really thank you for being here...."

"Yeah sure, I'll always be here for you," I reply. There is a long silence after that. I then notice her new handkerchief she used earlier. "This is so good. Is it new?" I ask her to break the intensity.

"Oh, this?" She puts the handkerchief on the table. "Momo gave it to me a few days ago. She said that she liked it so she bought it for me. Isn't it cute? Haha..  (she forces herself to laugh) I really like it. Mm.. You can see there is a drawing of a little penguin here which is also so cute! From the fabric, I don't think this handkerchief is cheap. Momo must have spent a big amount of money to buy this. What do you think, Hae....... Haeju? Are you listening?"

"Ah ah... Yes! What is it again? Mm yeah! It's.... It's a really nice handkerchief...." I stutter.

"Mm... I'm asking you about what do you think about the price......."

"This??  Hmm.. Yeah yeah, let me see!" I take the handkerchief awkwardly. "This is good, this......."

Mina grabs my hand. "You are not listening, aren't you? Are you okay, Haeju??" She cuts me. 

"Yeah, I'm fine." I realize I'm being awkward right now. "Aah.... No, umm sorry... Actually, I just saw something through the window!"

"What is it?"

"No no, it's okay, it has gone."

"It's paparazzi, isn't it?" Mina tries to guess.

I slowly nod.

"Hahaha... It's okay it's okay. No need to be afraid to them. I just need to make up a story if there will be a news about me crying if it's that what you worry about. Hehe... It's fiiiiine..!" Mina winks to me.

I pretend that she guesses it correctly. "Aaahhh... Really? Are you sure it's okay?" I ask her.

"Yeah! The unnies have dealt with them several times."

"I thought it would be dangerous to let them see you cry here. I guess I'm still a newbie in this kind of thing. Mm... Teach me, senpai!? Hehe..." I joke. We laugh together afterward.

But....

...What I actually saw was Chaeyoung!!! She was standing inside one of the stores across the street. She was watching us! I was so shocked to know that she was there. When our eyes met she started to run away and disappeared. It was so suspicious!

She acts weird these days. Why does she like watching me and Mina? Does she know Mina's secret? Is she going to report us to the others??

What is Chaeyoung up to actually? 

(to be continued)