Song for the chapter: Rise up by Andra Day

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Once we arrived in New York, my mother had the ball running with my first appointment with Dr. Samantha Reid, my psychiatrist from years back, which was spent discussing what happened to me and getting me some tests. I entered her office as she stood up from her chair to greet me with a hug.

“Hmmm, it’s been too long. How’s the flight?” Dr. Reid asked me as we pulled apart.

“The flight was long but I was able to rest for a bit.” I responded as I took my seat on the sofa.

“Well, that’s good to hear. Anyway, I was able to review your records while you were in Korea. So I guess, I’ll start with how are you feeling?” That’s how my first session started with her. I relayed to her what happened before, during and after my fainting incident.

“Do you have any nightmares or recurring dreams?” I shook my head as I slept really well despite what happened.

“No. Aside from the fact that I fainted, I didn’t experienced the usual.” The usual meaning recurring nightmare that leads to my insomnia and being dazed in and out of the day as well as exhaustion from lack of proper sleep.

“Hmmmm, interesting. Now I want us to discuss about your relationship with Mark.” I couldn’t help but smile when she mentioned his name.

“Was it because of him that you made the decision to enter the museum?” I understand why she was asking me as we’ve tried for years for me to overcome my fear but nothing worked. I think deeply and seriously about what she said.

“No, not really. I mean, it is true that his presence helped keeping me calm but I think ultimately, I made the decision to confront it head on by myself. It has been years since I last attempted to overcome it and I think it just created the perfect opportunity for me when he surprised me.” I explained to her truthfully as it may seem like I was only doing that for Mark but really in retrospect, I was actually doing it for myself. 

“Alright.” She said as she took some notes before she continued. “Now, I believe that you also opened up to Mark about what happened to you and to your father. Something that you weren’t able to share with your past relationship.” I nodded yes as she waited for me to elaborate.

“Everything with Mark is comfortable and I felt like I owe it to him to know my past and understand my history. But then, he suddenly confessed that he loves me.” I said lowering my head as I remembered his confession.

“And I take it that you didn’t reply back?” I shook my head no. “Why do you think is that?”

I took a deep breath before answering. “I don’t know. I feel like I wasn’t in the right position to say that back to him as I still have so many issues that I need to fix. And we’ve only known each other for about three months and only been together less than a month. Don’t you think we are moving too fast?” I rambled on as I bring every confusing things that I am experiencing to the surface.

“Well, do you think you are moving too fast?” She asked and I just hunched my shoulders telling her I don’t know.

“Okay Anna. From my years in practice, falling in love with someone doesn’t have a time requirement.” I stared at her as she looked at me with a small smile on her face. I let out a small gasp as I take in what she said to me.

During our third session, Dr. Reid gave me an exercise and asked me to encourage myself and see one of my father’s painting in person. An exercise that was so hard and so taxing but oh so rewarding. My mom helped me with the exercise as she brought some of my father’s painting. Slowly, the memory of my father’s death were replaced with happy ones as I remembered him painting happily in his studio.

“Anyway, based on what we’ve discussed and what I received from your physician from South Korea, I think we can treat what happened to you as a breakthrough. I am pretty happy with the progress you’ve made and I think you are ready for the next step. Now I want you to take this slowly and seriously, I want you to try and open yourself up to the possibility of painting again. So here is what I need you to do, try to see if you’ll be able to stand the sight of any painting materials for at least 5 minutes at a time. If you’ll be able to push through without any anxiety or panic attacks, I want you to feel the texture of each paint.” Dr. Reid, surmised her diagnosis over my incident and she finally dismissed me.

Today marks the 5th day that I am away from Mark. If I’m not at the clinic, then I am glued to my cellphone and laptop while waiting for Mark to call or text and he didn’t disappoint, he texts me as much as he can with the occasional calls in between his busy schedule. And as