Dear Journal,

When I finally admitted to myself that I'm gay, I started to be more cautious of what I do around people. Especially those who liked to bully me. I kept my identity to myself and Seungcheol wasnt even an exception. I didnt want him to know Im gay and see him get disgusted by his own bestfriend. Not that hes a homophobe, I just dont want him to feel weird when Im around. I was naive that time, I was young so im sorry for thinking about it that way. Im grown up now and this was one of my regrets till now.

I didnt confess to him because I was scared that he will run away from me after knowing I was gay. I didnt want to risk this friendship we have for a love that probably wouldnt happen. He had this building popularity especially in the basketball team. He was the MVP, the star player at the time. I didnt want to ruin him and his name.

Its was better for me back then to stay beside him and love him silently than confessing and risking our friendship. And so, I resulted to watching him from afar. I was there when he had his first real heartbreak. I was there when he first got his own car, his license, his black belt in Taekwondo.. everything. 

It was during our 11th grade when he started to change. I didnt realize he was changing and I felt like a failure as his bestfriend to recognize that. First, he liked this girl in the cheerleading squad. She was a though, I didnt see what Seungcheol saw in her except her big s. Maybe thats why I wasnt perfect for Seungcheol, I didnt have s.