Caught between
The Wish of Existence
Another morning found Kyungsoo, unfortunately for the modest teen, he did not find the morning well.
“Ah, crap, crap, crap!” he cussed, rushing down the stairs in his house, trying to button his shirt as his feet stamped their way down.
“Morning, Soo,” greeted his sister Soojung, putting her plate in the sink. She looked at his brother and let out a humble chuckle, “what a rare sight.”
“What?” asked a dumbfounded fair boy as he pulled some bread from the bread box and put it in the toaster.
“Someone forgot to comb their hair this morning,” commented another voice at the vicinity of the doorway to the dining room, “it's nice to know you also have your off days, little brother.” Sooyeon approached Kyungsoo and stood behind the teen, who was pulling the confectioneries out of the cupboards. With her lean and manicured fingers, she combed her little brothers hair, and with her palms pressed the stubborn stick-up locks.
“Sorry, I overslept and forgot about breakfast, Noona.” said a frantic Kyungsoo, messily trying to spread the strawberry jam on the still-soft yet crunchy toast.
The eldest placed her hands on the male teen's shoulder and squeezed them in reassurance “Don't worry, Kyungsoo, your sister and I managed fine. There's still some mushrooms and eggs left, just for you.”
“I don't have time to eat, or I'll be late.” He said messily, taking bites between each syllable.
Endeared by the sight of her often-infallible younger brother, she sighed happily, “you go on ahead and prepare your stuff, I'll pack it up for you, and you eat it for lunch.”
“Okay,” Kyungsoo nodded quickly, shoving the rest of his toast into his mouth, balling his cheeks. The boy then rushed upstairs, trying to finish buttoning up his shirt.
“You seem happy.” stated Soojung, standing beside her sister, taking note of the rather warm smile on her bare face.
“It's nice to see our brother acting like a normal boy.”
“A rare sight, indeed.”
“Have a good day you two!” yelled Sooyeon from the door of their house, waving as her two younger sibling walked down the hill.
The siblings waved back as they went.
“So,” Soojung was the first to starts their usual morning banter on the way to the Central Plaza, “is there a specific reason as to why you woke up late this morning?”
Kyungsoo side-eyed his sister and shook his head, “Nothing in particular, just homework.”
“Even when you stay up late doing homework, you still wake up earlier than Unnie and I. You look exhausted but still...”
The way Soojung cut off her sentences made Kyungsoo realise that she was digging for something, “Alright,” he said, sighing and giving in to his sister's insinuations, “what do you want to really say?”
“I just thought you might be lacking sleep because of that new friend of yours.”
“New friend... ? What do - “ the mild student then oh-ed, realising who she meant, “how do you know of Sehun?”
“Remember I have cram classes,” she rose her index finger, smiling “I saw you on my way home talking to Yifan and that new boy by the Central Plaza fountain.”
“You should've come by and said hello.”
“The sight of those two blond-heads was intimidating,” the sister's pretty and wholesome face grimaced at the reminder “I didn't want to.”
“I understand that completely and... no,” Kyungsoo said, with a strong emphasis on the whole syllable “I was not awake thinking of him, why would I?” he queried, with a disgusted face
“I don't know, maybe because he might be the type of person you, specifically, want to get to know, better... ?”
“What... do you mean... ?” Kyungsoo slowed his question, not fully grasping the direction of the conversation.
Soojung sighed, never grasping why her often-insightful brother could not pick certain cues when it came from her, “Are you interested in him, romantically?”
“What?! No!” Kyungsoo denied behemently, “he's annoying, rude, and noisy.”
“So the fact that he's a guy is not your first deterrent?”
“Well, I - “
Soojung stopped on her tracks and eyed her brother with a overbearing gaze “Kyungsoo. I know.”
“What is it that you know?”
“Why your eyes follow the male lead in dramas on TV.”
Kyungsoo gave his sister an incredulous “It's hard to miss them when they are the centre of the shot.”
“Is that why there's also a search engine entry on the laptop's history on the actor's name and pictures?”
“Erm...” Kyungsoo panicked, searching his head for a plausible reply, but there was not – what reason could a male teenager have searching an attractive actor's pictures? Kyungsoo condemned himself in his head, for being overconfident in cleaning his tracks whilst using the family laptop.
“There wasn't really an entry on the laptop...” Soojung confessed, “but by your reaction, I think I have my answer.”
Kyungsoo sighed, 'what's the point, the school already knows, might as well come clean with my sisters' he gave a surrendering look to his sister and nodded, “yeah, I do prefer men.”
“At least you have good tastes.” smiled Soojung, who began walking again. A stunned Kyungsoo slowly fell behind, frozen by the reaction.
The shocked mild teen rushed to his sister's side “You're not going to say nothing else?” Kyungsoo asked.
“No, I mean, why, would I? As long as you're happy,” she gave his brother a tender smile, eyes into crescents, cheekfronts forward, “and that in itself, is a rare sight. It would be nice if it was more often. If a man is what it takes, so be it.”
“Thanks, Soojung. But... it's really not Sehun, God...” Kyungsoo placed his hand on his stomach, grimacing at the idea of a romance with the boy, “he is really the opposite of what I would want in a partner.”
“Really?” Soojung replied, surprised, brows raise and eyes wide, eyeing her brother in surprise, “what then?”
“I don't know... just, decent, simple, and good-spirited. Maybe older as well.”
“Hmm...I don't think you'll find it in this town, or at least one with the same inclinations.”
“I know...” Kyungsoo closed his eyes and smiled, expressing his yield, “I am not going to act on my feelings, anyway.”
“What? No, you should. Love is for everybody.”
“That's what Chanyeol said, but... it's so difficult. If I was born in a different place, and in the future, maybe, I could be. But loving a man in this country is just impossible. I'd rather just be a good man, than a happy one.”
“Come on Kyungsoo,” Soojung wrapped her arms around her brothers right arm and tugged at it, “when we go to Seoul together, for college, you'll find somebody, I promise.”
“Don't be silly, Soojung,” the fair student looked away from his sibling, “the men there usually go to H hill for hook-ups, or closeted married men go to exclusive anonymous bars looking for a quickie, I don't want that. I'd rather be pure with a wholesome ideal for love than sustaining myself with just physical attention.”
Soojung sighed, letting go of Kyungsoo. Her brother's pessimism and cynicism combined made for very dejecting views on life and love, “I know life isn't perfect, Kyungsoo, but if we look for it, love and life can be good.”
“I'm happy, as I am.”
Soojung crossed her arms and declared factly “Contentment and toleration are not the same as happiness.”
“You can't have everything in this life, we both know that. People like me live that. We must make do with what we've got. And I'm happy living in the fantasies that dramas have fed me. It maybe false hope, but it keeps me going all the same.”
“This is one of the times I hope you're proven wrong, brother, because some things are worth fighting for, and maybe it's not endangering others, but having allies in that fight.”
“Soojung, the battle has not been won yet, we're not even on the winning side,” Kyungsoo countered his sister's desire for rallying “and I hate hearing so many senseless deaths because of it. How many people like me must hang themselves before they notice that in this world, we're only small? Is the price of feeling correct, or follow some ancient rule, so much more valuable than a human life? A life with potential?”
Soojung's ears caught the wave of heavy desperation in her brother's words. She did not wish to push it further, lest she drives him into tears. She was eager to show him hope, but the light that kept feeding Kyungsoo such a notion was dwindling every day and she herself began to lose it as well. She sealed her lips on the matter for the time being and ended their exchange thus “It's a sad world.”
“An impossible world.” Kyungsoo said, though unsure if it was agreeing, or one-upping the female sibling's statement.
When the siblings parted ways, as they usually do, at the Central Plaza, Kyungsoo made his way to the school by heading eastward. However, before going to school, Kyungsoo made the decision to visit the gadget store on the way, as one crucial accessory seemed to have escaped his grasp, when claiming ownership of the phone, which he does still but with hesitation.
He entered said store and expected the bright-faced worker to cheerily greet him. However, no such greeting came. Kyungsoo, curious, hid behind one of the shelves and looked around the corner, where he found said bright-faced worker chatting with somebody. That somebody was none other than Kim Jongin himself.
Kyungsoo panicked, instinctually. He acknowledged the clarification he had with the handsome boy, but still felt inhumanely uncomfortable in his presence. However, driven by his desire to attain the accessory, he sneakily turned the other around, without trying to get noticed and headed for the section with headphones.
He stood by the headphones section and was awed by the amount of items that were on display and on sale, as well as the variety; cans, ones that went around the ear, ones with different shaped heads, ones with foam, others without, colours, styles, it all seemed so overwhelming. As usual, he opted for going simple – meaning efficiency and design. He saw a pair with a recognisable brand and a vivid design of bunnies, and so, slowly unhooked it from the bar. He tried to remember where he saw the design and tried to picture his best friends – however, both were proud users of cans, often slung around their necks whenever they were at their computer.
He then remembered his sister Soojung, who also used heaphones. He can envision his sister sitting at the dining room, headphones in her ears and gaze deadly focus on her homework. He inspected the item and thought to himself:
“I'll never be as efficient, focused, good-looking and intelligent as her.”
He put the headphones back on the bar and picked a random cheaper, black pair.
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