CHAPTER 18 [Sadness is Tragic, Yet Beautiful]

*

Seungcheol woke up with a burning sensation on his head. It felt like it was being ripped into two, sans anesthesia and double the pain. He groaned as he cupped his forehead and gently massaged his temples. It didn’t lessen the pain, but at least it gave him temporary relief.

How many cans of beer did he chug down last night? Nine? Ten? Eleven? Twelve? Ah, he already lost count. He just remembered passing out, barely making it onto the couch of the living room then everything went solidly blank.

He sighed, feeling so tired and tormented. Whatever happened to him in the years that passed by, he could only summarize them in three separate words: monotonous, dull, and melancholy.

His routine had always been the same – wake up with or without hangover, go to work and overwork himself, go home, think and drink until he drops unconscious, and then the cycle continues. His monochromatic view of life just consisted of being able to live – to exist, but without a purpose. He’s lacking a purpose in life that’s definite, and the one that makes him fulfilled. It’s as if he breathes just so he could show the world that he’s alive, but inside, he knew he was barely breathing.

He felt empty. Dead empty.

Despite of all the wealth, respect, and recognition, he felt so alone and sad.

He smiled grimly.

At thirty-three, most guys of his age already found and claimed the thing that most people would be envious of: a family of their own, consisting of a lifetime partner and children.  A home filled with children’s laughter and a wife that would put a smile on his lips every time he went home…

He almost had it before.

Almost.

His eyes searched the house for nothing in particular, and he breathed deeply as the solemn feeling just grew further. The house was too big with just him alone, excluding Nanny Park and a few house maids. He should have been accustomed living alone by now, but everywhere his eyes went, all he could think of was how happy must it be if he had someone by his side. His chest tightened as an image of a blurry, yet very beautiful person, started to occupy his mind. And before it could even be any clearer, he closed his eyes and took a deep, calming breath, which was just rendered useless because the emptiness in his heart just started to spread all over him.

“Good morning! You’re finally awake,” a woman’s voice greeted which made him open his eyes in an instant. His eyes were greeted by a wrinkly, smiling face of the woman who was almost like a second mother to him.

“Good morning, too, Nanny,” he forced a smile (that he knew ended up looking as a cringe) despite of the hammering pain in his head.

The old woman nodded. “There’s soup in the kitchen. Warm up your stomach before going to work, okay?”

Seungcheol simply nodded his head. He thought the older would finally leave him, but she remained in her place so he looked up to her and found her staring at him as if he’s a specimen under a microscope. His eyebrow raised, making sure that his eyes sent her his silent question of ‘What?’.

The nanny hummed, as if hesitating.

“Seungcheol, son, tell me honestly... are you alcoholic?” the nanny finally asked, the previous warm smile from her lips vanished, but her eyes were filled with concern.

He was taken aback, not anticipating the question from the woman.

Was he? Had he really turned alcoholic?

It was clear that alcohol became his silent companion during the past few years, during the nights he felt so torn and empty. During times of confusion, regrets, and loneliness. But wasn’t there a day when he wasn’t feeling any of it all? So maybe yes, maybe he had really turned alcoholic. Maybe he had become dependent of the substance so he could survive another day, another week, another month, and another year of emptiness.

As if sensing the riot that was his mind, the nanny chuckled and affectionately ruffled his hair – a habit she never tried to stop doing since he was a kid. He never protested whenever she does it, though. “I’m just kidding, son. I know you are not, and I know there are just so many conflicting emotions in your heart, too many questions filling your mind. Seungcheol, as the woman who helped your mom raise you, my only advice is for you to do what your heart tells you. Reaching out first will never make you less of a man,” she said meaningfully.

He looked at her, surprise was written all over his face.

The woman smiled knowingly. “It’s been years already, Seungcheol. I’ve always been wishing that one day, you’ll finally make your move. But it seems like you need a great push, so I’m pushing you right now. Find that special person, tell that someone about how you feel and please, do not come back alone. I will resign if I see you fail,” she threatened. Despite of the weight of her words, Seungcheol still found himself smiling a thankful smile.

He did not need to deny to himself anymore.

Maybe she’s right, all he needed was a little push.

***

The next day was just another normal day for Jeonghan, his kids, and their extended family. He let his kids bond with their neighbors – Joshua, a single father who works as an online stock broker and his very energetic son Mingyu, who was just younger by a year from the twins – at a nearby park together with Jun who volunteered to look after his twins. It was after the kids woke up from their afternoon nap when Joshua knocked on their door, wearing a bright smile and a bouncing Mingyu on his side, who squeaked “Wonuuuu! Ddeulgi-yaaaaa!” as soon as the door opened. The set of Mingyu’s missing teeth in the front made Jeonghan giggle. The kid was so cute.

He had known the two for a long time. He first met Joshua a week after he moved to the that foreign place. When the other learned that he was Korean, he immediately befriended him together with his wife, Wendy, who gave birth to Mingyu a year after. The three adults, including Jun, helped him cope up from his depression. He got separated from his husband just as when he learned he was carrying their babies, and it didn’t help that he chose to distance himself from his family and the place he was comfortable with. With the three by his side, he managed to pull himself together and little by little, he started to accept that