CHAPTER 15 [Tears Are Words The Heart Can’t Express]

*

  Several weeks passed and Jeonghan’s routine remained the same. Waking up early to prepare breakfast that his husband would not even touch, prepare his clothes for work (which Seungcheol always ended up not using), wake the other up (only to be pushed away), greet him and try to have a conversation (only to look like as if he’s talking to an imaginary friend), listen to Seungcheol’s annoyed grunt as he tried to fix his necktie (only to have his hand swatted away), and many more.

  It’s as if things went back to how they were before, but only for worse. It was worse because Jeonghan already experienced how it was to be treated special by Seungcheol, so to have him treat him the same way as before… It was just so heart breaking.

  But whose fault was it, anyway?

  Truthfully, the first two days were the worst for Jeonghan.

  After their heated confrontation, Seungcheol took his car and sped away without telling them where he would go. After Seungcheol stormed off from their room, Nanny Park rushed to his aid, curiously asking what happened between them. He told her the truth in between sobbing and apologizing. He thought the nanny would have a hard time understanding him but he was glad the old woman clearly understood his story, albeit oftentimes asking him to repeat some of his explanations.

  Jeonghan thought that the elderly would be mad at him, too, because she was one of the victims of his deception. But he was surprised when the nanny started tearing up and apologized, hugging him so tight. He remembered her words clearly, “I’m so sorry, Jeonghan-ah. I think all of this is my fault, had I not called your friend and told him about my suspicion… I should have just kept it to myself. I’m so sorry for putting you into this situation.”

  Jeonghan couldn’t bear the guilt he saw on the woman’s wrinkly eyes, so he told her it’s not her fault and all the blame should be on him because he did not confirm or deny anything that led anyone to think it’s true.

  At least, the old woman clearly showed him that she’d forgiven him. Unlike his and Seungcheol’s parents…

  “Yoon Jeonghan, how could you do that to us? We were so hopeful, we were so excited to know there’d be a baby coming in a few months’ time…” his mother said, looking hurt and disappointed at the same time, occasionally taking glances over Seungcheol’s parents who were just silently listening, faces devoid of any emotion. Whether they’re shocked or mad, he couldn’t tell.

  He called his and Seungcheol’s parents, told them to come over their house for he had something important to say. A few hours after the nanny comforted him, she advised to call over their parents and tell them the truth. He thought it was a good idea, so even though he was so afraid and nervous, he mustered up the courage to do what he was advised. It was a good thing that the four elderly were free during that time.

  “You should have told us the truth from the start,” Mrs. Choi finally spoke, and like his mother, there was also a pained look in her eyes. One could obviously tell that she’s upset.

  “How did my son react to this?” Mr. Choi asked, cold, piercing eyes directly looking into his that made him swallow a huge lump in his throat.

  “H-He’s so mad, he drove off somewhere and I-I don’t know when he will come back,” he answered in a tiny voice, bowing his head low. He felt so little of himself, he felt so afraid and unworthy of everything good that his and Seungcheol’s parents had shown. He felt so bad for deceiving them.

  If only I could turn back the time… he thought.

  “I-I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. I hope you can forgive me…”

  But the forgiveness he was asking seemed to be so out of reach at the time. The elderly Chois walked out of their house without any word, not even excusing themselves from his parents. The elderly Yoons, however, stayed a little more without saying anything, only giving him looks as if discerning if he’s on a proper state of mind.

  His mother exhaled a deep, long sigh. “I don’t know what made you do that, but I know you had your reasons. Your ways are wrong, but you’re my child so whatever wrongful things you do, I’ll try to understand you. But I hope you learned your lesson, alright honey?”

  Jeonghan nodded his head and gave his parents a thankful smile. He stood up and sat between them, and the three of them were enveloped in a warm hug.

  “Little by little, try to earn your in-laws’ forgiveness. I’m sure they’re not mad at you, they’re just disappointed like us. On the other hand, your husband surely is the one who’s hurt the most.”

  Jeonghan bit his lip.

  “I-I don’t know how to earn his forgiveness, Mom, Dad…”

  “Everything will be alright, honey. Do the things that you know are right this time.”

  But the right things that his father advised to do were not anything useful. Day by day, his husband seemed to be getting more and more further away from him. He was so near, yet he was so out of reach. He was just beside him, yet he felt so far away. Seungcheol distanced himself from him so good that he sometimes wished that everything was just a dream, that he would wake up one day to find out that everything had just been a product of his imagination and he would find his husband lying next to him, looking at him again as if he’s the most important person in his life.

  But sometimes, wishing for something really good for himself became really hard for him to do anymore. Because his heart was filled with guilt, he thought that he didn’t deserve anything good anymore, and all the things he deserved were just pain, pain, and more pain.

***

Please Subscribe to read the full chapter