I went to the beach today. Jongdae is gone and I miss him, but he’ll reach out sooner or later. The beginning of this week, I went over to his house. He wasn’t there and I knew that but I only gazed from afar. Not everything has been erased from my brain –I silently thanked the heavens that parts of the brain don’t always get wiped clean with a concussion.

The neighborhood Jongdae lives in only about ten minutes from where I work. That’s in a car. In a form of a bus, it’ll take about twenty eight minutes on a good day. Walking would be an hour and half the most. I remember though. I remember walking earlier this week, just because I wanted to.

I had been able to tell my truth in the lightest delivery possible to my mother and step dad. They both had something to say –so much so that their lips tightened when they spoke over each other dubiously. There was a pause. I could see the look my mother gave me when her husband had started off her name carefully.

She seemed so betrayed. College ; she always knew I would go to college. I was only tempted to rub my hands over my knees as the eyes grew softer in texture. She was now beginning to cry. I wouldn’t move from off of the floor. We were in the kitchen finishing dinner. Naeil was in the next room watching a learning television show from her baby cradle swing bundled with pink and white ribbons.  

“Is it…” Her next move was to wipe under her eyes and continue with a firm but soothing tone, “Is it because of the accident? You don’t think you’ll be able to do it? You’ve been accepted to plenty of great schools, Baekhyun. Some even gave you scholarships.” I’m bombarded with burly indifference.

“Honey, you know I didn’t go to college.” I can’t remember ever knowing this but now that she turns her head to the man she committed herself to despite his contriving purviews, that which made his livelihood that much more normal.

“I know, I know. But Baekhyun –“ I had so little words to say but, “I’m not going. That doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything productive.” I had switched my knees that were positioned immobile for too long, my head ultimately went down, and I bit my bottom lip.

I cut my mother off and told her no. She was already sighing. “I don’t expect to force you into anything, I just can’t see why. Is it your documentary?” She knew I was doing one. That much into leaving the house I had to give up –one time I even needed a ride and my mother only had to ask. She even wanted to watch it when it was complete.

“I thought that perhaps I should do college. I just can’t. I want to do what I love and I’m not dumb enough to act as though there won’t be times where I fail. What’s the difference between tuition and disappointment though? We don’t owe anything to ourselves, we get better without cost. Besides, hospital bills, my treatment medication, it’s getting too much and I know how much that you’re sacrificing together.”

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