Baekhyun #5                                                                                              

             15 

“Careful now, you can’t always do that.” I had to chuckle as Naeil had in this moment dropped her head with her nose now meeting the floor mat we had stationed for her to play about. She’s been into developing her motor skills and was quite active with every toy she had around her –where she then immediately dropped to giggle and laugh with her hand to .

I was able to then quickly sit her up and see how unfazed she’d been. “One step at a time, merme.” I wish her a few kisses to her small invisible injury right at the nose.  Having to smile one more time I dangle the toy she was crawling for and then let her grab what she can.

“Today, the family is going out –you won’t change your mind? I’m letting you off for coming home so late that other day.” My mother plans on rubbing the fact of the matter that I’ve grown distant again. By means of keeping me working shifts a secret, the rigorous treatment and days I’ve spent out finding what I need to make my partnering with Irene work, it’s not enough to say telling her I want to rest, will have her somewhat lukewarm over the subject.

She doesn’t feel it’s logically possible for me to turn them down when I’m doing as previously instructed. I take the small parts of my life and minus the work, I simply explore out –as though she’s not already wary. That means I’m hiding behind something and she is trying her best not to put her foot down.

“It all sounds nice really…” I start out handing Naeil over and gaze at my mother with sincerity fixated due to my lack of enthusiasm –“I just want some time to sleep. Maybe get a few groceries… we’re running low on a few things besides blueberries.” I reminded her gently of the small berry that never ends.

“I could get that tomorrow, Baekhyun –come with us. I miss going out with you.” For one, her hand holds mines and it’s dearly making a scene in front of even her husband that sadly nods along.

“I know I told you bed rest but with you wanting to go out by yourself to your treatment and hang around with Chen –I’m getting pretty jealous. I have my son back and he’s even more distant than before. You could at least try and remember with us as well.”

She’s tucking Naeil in her carry on, giving me this look I somehow believe the origin of how my glare was developed. My eyes revert on over to the hallway of where my room is and I sighed, “Give me ten minutes.” I share the small snap of my fingers without glancing back to what I wish could be more of an honest approach.

I truly am tired these days but I won’t say that to her.

“We’ll get the car started.” My stepdad clasped his hands, the relieved but uncertain shake of his head made clear that even his sealed lips won’t last long with his wife about to beg on her knees for her son to give her the time of day.

He won’t mention the fact that she likely wakes me up every Tuesday morning for tea in the living room –asking how I feel and to regress from stress, we somehow watch a program on TV quietly; saying nothing as though her care for me means everything in that hour that she watches me –believing I’m better.

It helps, really it does –everything does but there are times where I have it coming at me all at once. At times it’s painful, whether I remember in front of a crowd of strangers, the doctors or the family.

I can work up a headache, if the memory is something thrilling and fun… I can cry if it’s sad –to know why I react or don’t is more or so a reminder that I’m never going to be myself by the snap of my fingers.

It’s all pulling together at the end of the day. I don’t actually express this as much as I should –the doctor says rest is key, and lately that’s what I am hoping to get before I have it shoved down my throat.

In cases of my memory coming back, I am seeing more –my body seems to co-design some for the good though it feels alienated.

Everything says whoa –you’re still a hallow shell with fixtures of what you’ve not been able to fully determine. Not all of this is going to be welcomed in your semblance state.

I feel deeply for too many things now out of guilt. I am distant because I know now what’s better for me. I get worked up and anxious as I realize what I had been doing surprises me, makes me eager or allows me to see just what man I am. From these past months I’m proud and underwhelmed even.

“He’s no longer coming by…” I’m trailing back to whom I decided to stay neutral with. It’s really confusing after realizing that he –that Chanyeol impacted me again after this damn conclusion. I told myself leave it be and he’d show up.

Then it happens, vivid conversations going beyond anything that I’d thought I’d had. Candid memories I finally piece together have always been different than anything in comparison when remembering Chanyeol.

All that revolves in the work I have a passion for –he’s a part of the dated days I was on fire. He’s there. Always cheering me on –finding ways to sail what my concept had been to higher grounds. It all but made me dreadful –was I doing something wrong?

Regrettably, as days had past working again; it made no sense for him to just be there, carrying a conversation as though he knew nothing between us. I certainly don’t want to pressure myself because I hear myself cautioning my proliferation of wistful thinking.

 What could I tell my family and friends now that I knew something about my secret?

I had etched the look in my eyes  during these videos ; neither vacant or ashamed at these times for hiding what I may had been to him, saying things I didn’t know I’d be able to say to him and so full of flourished compassion for the one I’d denied to tell others about.

Within these films, could be why he approaches me with such a lack.

oo15

“It’s Animal Thursday, pick an animal you’ll think she’ll like.” My stepdad approaches the side of the car with Naeil as I sit back, simply looking at the building after being parked in the lot with a complaisant smile. “Wouldn’t happen to have a huge giraffe in there, would they?”

The man gives an unlikely serious side glare and jokingly replies –“Go look and see.”

I have just unbuckled before carefully stepping out with a sigh. My body by now is already allowing me to jump with jitters –animals, the thought surprisingly exciting when it was mentioned in the car.

“I wonder if she’ll like them.” My mother opened her arm for me to walk into. We met up with the baby and husband with smiles on our faces –“Hoping she likes puppies.”

The woman fiercely narrowing her eyes at the feathered beaked creatures possibly waiting to attack her daughter, then speaks up, “No birds. I don’t want them pecking her little nose just yet.”

While we enter, the room is filled with a bunch of little ones and their family counterparts looking through and from glass windows down the facility. There are about thirty different animals fit for house pets or simply looking and they’re placed between different habitats and or located in homes connected for the animal that vacate outside parts.

This here is not a normal zoo –but mostly a place where all small animals that mean no harm or that can be suitable for homes, can be seen to touch and explore. It goes from snakes to dogs, to birds to frogs and bunnies and all but giraffes. So I clearly pout after seeing the directory of animals they had listed.

“I’m going to buy the tickets.” I hear and only stand by without mentioning the tiny idea I have for actually wanting a pet.

This here thought isn’t a past reference or something I could have said if I wanted to –in all honesty I want a pet to some extent.

“Why don’t we have one?” I look over at my mother wondering why I am giving her a sulk judge along the lines of where’s the justice.

“An animal… as in a pet??” She wears out the shrugging confession and behind the small grin, is a sad explanation.

“You never asked for anything but a giraffe; which was not happening.” My mother is all but laughing at how light the reason is for me being slightly empty. I give her a roll of the eyes, “What a weird kid I am.”

Not to ask for a pet. I mean, a rabbit would be nice or a gerbil. Instead it’s a giraffe and it does make sense but…that’s not so disappointing. Although, the longer I have this to look forward to, I seem to gain a brief chill of ah upon staring around the room some more.

How often does it come around to me bringing up fond glimpses of me at this place before? I cannot even begin to ask myself how I feel when I presume the reason is because I was here sometime before my accident.

“I think I came here before.” As the tickets are handed out, I look to my stepdad and raise my brow. “I wonder what animal I saw first…” I challenge the thought but for once he says, “It’s probably not a giraffe. You’d have to go to a zoo next time, Baekhyun.”

Oh it’s funny –my love for giraffes has grown after a few nights of discovering I was passionate about them and wasn’t over the preteen years. I learned that’s a normal thing to be doing.

 Arriving here has only made me earnest for an interest not quite able to be obtained though I smile for it. I’ll live I suppose but I still want one.

“I will be fine –let’s hope Naeil likes at least one of these animals or we’re screwed.” I happily offer to take her out and the next move is to see the most undisturbed areas so that other kid’s reactions don’t make her panic.

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