Chanyeol #6                                                                                              

             13 

“I’m glad you could take the time out of your day to speak with me Mr. Park. Did you perhaps deem this treatment mandatory?”

Clearly, my emotions gave me little to rely on. Where did I think I was going if I kept this up? I had time to review my past behavior, because in it I’m countless times the epitome of worried and lost. I wouldn’t have known that something would be lost within me as well. Yet I constantly tried to believe I deserved it.

My truest fear –what is it exactly? I wondered all night over the matter, I pled even to heaven that what I did could be forgiven and perhaps I’d be cure by the time I’d woken.

Not merciful enough is the God of mercy.

That’s why I sit here –justifying the boundaries of my guilt.

I guess I do need someone to tell me it’s not my fault –I’m the only one who knows just how at fault I am. I allowed him to hide us, I didn’t protect him so what now , now that he’s the most distant he’s ever been?

I asked myself this true question; would Baekhyun forgive me if I forgave myself. Oh that’s not how life would work, but would it work just enough for the cracked remark of the love that we had?

I shamelessly lower my head –my most extreme positive traits have died and these orbs I claim to have , glassy with fogged up fear communicate for the sake of it. “You said I have anxiety –what is it?”

Between us, the desk stationed has a classified amount of documents that must concern me so I sniff to have my thumb rub under my nose nervously as the man dressed in a white coat suggests to himself to open one folder in specific.

“Taijin Kyofusho –it’s a specific type of social anxiety which finds its origins in Japan. Psychological treatments for TKS would include elements common to cognitive behavioral therapy, including relaxation training, systematic desensitization, cognitive restructuring, rehearsal, and skills training.” I’m looked at in between terms and explanations.

To actually hear the psychiatrist articulate me down to a science has me sighing out –“Jikoshisen-kyofu?” Surprisingly it’s not hard to repeat the name but knowing that it’s Japanese I haven’t the slightest idea how my roots followed me to the most embarrassing depths.

“Yes, the phobia of eye-to-eye contact and along with the list of phobia’s there was a therapy developed called the Morita Therapy which was created by Dr. Sho Mori, the founding professor of the Department of Psychiatry at Kei University School of Medicine, in Japan.”

“So is this not going to be fixed within a facility in Korea?” I question, bringing forth my hands at either sides of the chair I’m placed. I give the psychiatrist an unbalanced raise of the brow.

“Morita Therapy is very unique in its understanding of the mechanism of anxiety and its treatment methods would carry out by means of those treating you in Japan –yes.” They tell me this and for one I settle back and remain calm.

To be in this state, what should I expect?

He tells me three major characteristics of Morita Therapy are that Morita Therapy sees anxiety as one of the natural feelings that every human being has. So dwelling in my feelings –for modern reality is what I won’t ever be able to deviate.

“People become anxious because they desire to perform well and feel afraid of failing and making mistakes. By understanding this mechanism, patients can get out of the circle that attention and intensified feelings dominate.”

“For you Chanyeol, you seem to have pinpointed your problems and why you already have them. However, I don’t recommend taking medication –it’s not just your mind, those who are around you cannot consume you when you are and only will be human.  You have lost the ability to give in to problems – guilt precisely.”

With that being said I’m hesitantly nodding the potential corners I’m going to decide not to hide in.

“This therapy is best recommended, for with Morita Therapy patients will learn to accept anxiety as it is. You specifically, will capitalize on your characteristics and potentials and be at peace with what you have gone through.”

“So a treatment to understand my anxiety and eventually live with it? I don’t think that is going to help… you see, I’m just scared… I’m ing scared but I am certainly able to live on….” I attempt to cut strings –the billions of strings I claimed on cutting prior to my many conclusions.

The man obviously has heard this before and says, “Chanyeol, the best thing about living is living and you clearly aren’t from what I can see on the chart. You checked in here the other day undetermined and ill. You yourself have shared that you are swayed by a particular person –from which you said has moved on safe and sound however you cannot approach them –knowing it’s possible they will hate you.” He presses the subject –“It would seem as though their trauma caused this, but for you to not look someone you care about in the eye –no matter what you may think, have they ever said anything to make you feel dirty?”

“I…” I would rather not answer but it’s true. “I can’t say that they have.”

My eyes drift off to moments with him though and I know I have just one question to ask –but I wouldn’t be able to cope with it. I’ve always felt sorry for things that were my fault. That didn’t mean I dreaded it ever as long as this. I was capable of somehow avoiding this –what I’m in now.

That’s when I consider… “I’m scared of him to be honest. His everything that exists makes me everything hard to handle  -but I do and it hurts…so I can’t sleep because of him, I can’t eat and I certainly don’t feel at ease when I’m around him and yet when I see him it’s all I need.”

It’s ironic that I love him too much and yet I’m in silence. I’m not the least bit of sensible if I continue ignoring what I know for certain has possibly changed him ; that’s what I know hates me.

Soon enough I lack eye contact and my entire frame crumbles –I won’t even try to deny the help now that I see that what I miss can’t be confronted until I know I can. That’s all I need –is to be able to say I can tell him I’m sorry.

I just know that something went wrong –and perhaps it’s not even the point anymore. Baekhyun at this moment in my life, doesn’t wish to be with or without me. I can’t assume anything anymore and as for beating myself up about it I know I deserved this small anguish of hallow remorse.

“Give your okay to the therapy Mr. Park by signing here.”

oo13

“You…go to Japan… with what money?” So it’s been decided but not for this person to find the reason behind it all.

“I have money.” I simply shut my eyes as we are back where I left off. I hadn’t been in this room since the day Sehun’s mother came to visit but by a mere flick of the arm I have hanging from the sofa, Sehun sitting to the floor glaring at me worriedly, scoffed.

“Can I come?” It’s a soft approach, fits the child still in him.

“You have work.” I tend on caring about what makes us so distant.

“No, I quit. Too cumbersome so I decided to invest in buying a business –that’s nothing you should be worried about however, can I come?” He steers the question directly to the surface; bothersome once more. That’s while I grit my teeth.

“I don’t intend to spend time away with you that will defeat the purpose, Sehun.” There’s a tiring sigh after the statement. By the lack of commitment I wear, my throat lacks surety and vexation is barely able to peek him his warning of mind your own business. I feel worn out and even the meals I try to have starting from yesterday aren’t picking me up in any fashion.

My voice is dry, my lips are chapped, eyes reddened, skin unnecessarily darker than normal and I slouch as much as possible.

I believe finding out what the hell could be my problem spiked enormous disappointment. I am depressed but I am well aware my conditions come from purposely not seeking redemption.

I had even thought to blame my parents –precisely a mother that birthed me who in fact was Japanese. It’s not to say she had any critical phobia but she constantly found a way to miss too much and isolate herself just for me. She was overbearing and eventually died because she didn’t want to give me to my father after I was born.

I don’t have a mother I remember– so it goes to show why he never gave any basic stories that made her light shine from her burial. I took Japanese for majority of grade school and didn’t fit in too well at first but nevertheless it’s all sad really, I’m my own person and what I want is to be comfortable ; and yet I fall in love with a guy in a convenience store, cause him to have an accident and develop a phobia around the scar I’m too chicken to put a band –aid over.

That’s right, the last band aid I had was removed when I was at the hospital.  I’ll need another before I leave.

 I want to see him before I go…

Amongst my subtle way of pushing him aw