Baekhyun #1                                                                                                                                o2

“Retrograde amnesia targets your most recent memories first. If by chance the case becomes severe it will extend farther back in time.”

 If this man was a doctor then where I’m at is….

I think this while I’m bandaged in a hospital gown, medically drugged and completely disoriented. I should be able to count my blessings. If it had been the other way around –where exactly would I be?

Whatever this doctor is conveying, must all be true. Even though I’d like to deny it; I yearn to boast that I’ve made it out alive without a single scratch on my fifteen stitched head, and with all of the memories I’ve unjustly lost.

In fact, I don’t even remember what happened to me yesterday or the day before that.

There are more days prior that go by within my brain, and those days I no longer recall.

It’s perplexing. No, it’s scary.

“Retrograde amnesia??” My mother repeated –while I blinked quietly. It’s hard to even figure out why she is here smiling at me assuring everything is okay when it surely isn’t. I’m glad I can still recognize that crestfallen expression she’s carrying. Her knitted brows that followed the question became weaker by and by –before she couldn’t even look at me, therefore would tear up all over again.

I’m unmistakably aggrieved. How could I put myself in this position? How could I make my mother this way?

“Yes, ma’am. We’re assuring you that the patient will be able to recover. As it seems, he’s not in any terminal danger. We’ll continue to run some tests on him. In the meantime, while he’s here –you can assist him; help him connect the dots he’s lost up until now.”

“He doesn’t remember my daughter’s name.” My mother cries repeatedly.

Mom’s daughter?

The small child in her arms looks close to doing the same; is it about a month or so old? I blink over at the doctor it seems whom quietly nods, “He will retain only so much –but it’s best to go over with him the present past.” The terms are put into place and we’re left alone in this measly nauseating room.

My mother briefly clears . “Baekhyun…Sweetheart? How are you feeling?” She cautiously questioned me then.

I was lying down, lost, also not myself. Up to what point has my life been erased? I have to rummage as much –cast out the doubts of having undergone a total shock in which I can’t live in the now.

I thought I was an only child until I saw that baby in my mother’s hands. I thought she only just got married.

That far back, at least from what I’ve pondered is what I’ve forgotten.

It’s certainly a lot to handle.

Since I begin to tear up, being brought back to the question I was asked, the stiffness I have while I shake my head is evidently the answer.

My mother grows silent. What could she possibly coax me with?

Sooner or later I’m going to be overflowing with the amount of strangers that stop by saying my name but I can’t even say many of theirs.

 oo2

I’m smart enough to request a note book on my third day at the hospital.

They’ve given me enough time to rest, so I patiently develop my savvy writing skills again.

I list all the names I have remembered since I was born. Do I still know them, have they passed, were they close with me, were we acquainted, did they move, were we enemies or have we made up?

I occasionally sighed. I always cried and felt so out of it.

At what points had my personality bettered in the past –what state of mind was I in that I couldn’t relate even to the small jokes people said I would always laugh at?

“You have a pretty good memory there, bud.” The first visitor grinned down at me. I was able to smile since I knew Jongdae since we were kids. He’s not grown since he was fifteen yet he’s almost just as wealthy in structure. I admire the fact he’s able to obtain such a tight core while I –I believe I gave out abs that were just abstract.

“That’s good to know…” I awkwardly write down a couple of new names Jongdae claims I know.

“I even recorded a few past and recent events we both shared, along with other people we know. There are a couple of videos of us as well during the past months.” He hands over the memories with a sad smile. I give them a tight hold –the USB is just a small piece however so grand and precious.

“We have done a lot, so bear with that recording.” He shares.

I nod solemnly, “They told me I lost about four months of my memories; judging on what I’ve been told so far.”

They believe there was also someone with me during my accident but since I can’t remember, there’s no chance of finding out whom that person was. Had they been the reason I was riding so carelessly on a skateboard?

I am quick to go through the pages I question –the second page of curiosity, anger or worry.

Have I graduated yet?

Will I ever heal?

Do my stepfather and I still get along?

What’s my sister’s name?

Am I not the same?

Do I still take vocal lessons?

Can I still play piano?

Have I ever learned to ride a skate board?

“At least your IQ is about the same.” Jongdae looks at the brighter side almost immediately. It takes me out of my stagnant trance and so I quietly stare ahead.

I can’t carry out on being relieved. I’m confused.

“We graduated already, Baekhyun.” Jongdae has caught sight of what I’ve written and in no way do I feel violated. I’m glad that I’m still the type of person to seek help from which I can be led and enlightened.

Therefore, that one word makes me actually let out a sigh. Graduated –It’s good to hear. I over exaggerate actually and touch my chest slightly. Knowing I wouldn’t be overwhelmed with chances of flunking so close to the end of senior year was an answer to prayer. I’d be looked at as the guy who couldn’t study because he had brain damage.

“Oh, thank God. I thought I’d have to deal with Mr. Kwon’s obnoxious voice telling me ‘You still gotta though… you still gotta’.” I somehow ease the thick haze with a joke I myself hadn’t expected to give.

Mr.Kwon –just about all of his responses to students complaining about giving up on school were that quote.

 Have I graduated yet?

Jongdae laughs without a doubt. He’s grinning from ear to ear in which I find refreshing.

However, those memories of having walked up on the stage to accept my diploma, I can’t keep that.

“I got some footage of that…hope it’s enough.” Jongdae again makes me smile. From what it seems Jongdae is still the best friend I remember four months ago.

What was I doing four months from now?

Again I have to ask myself.

They say I have summer job now.

I’m quite active but I’ll have to slowly get into the practice of my new-regular life.

Everything from what I remembered then has drastically changed.

I feel like I went through time –it’s a curse and a blessing. Hardships I wanted to get past have actually passed and I didn’t even know it. Although, the nice memories of haven achieved something is what I live for.

I want to see my room of all places. My room always reflects my life changes.

ooo2

“You, my son need a haircut. Should we bring someone over to do it?” The touching smile my mother’s husband gives makes me shudder almost in happiness. I clearly remember and know this man –dating my mother from time to time. She really liked him and now loves him deeply.

It’s now easier to cope with the fact we have a bigger family because in many ways he and I have gotten closer by what I seem to retain.

“A hair cut would be nice. I can barely see past my hand.” I give off my arm and stare. I concentrate almost before swiping the long bang of hair I have blocking my eyes.

“I’ll have someone stop by later on today.”

For the time being, my phone had been placed in my hands after fixing its screen. My mother had come in to drop it off while I made a mere puzzled expression towards the infant in the stroller. I wanted to see the little one –knowing she was my sister… I tried to find any similarities and bluntly relayed my thoughts before the child had time to be taken out of the stroller–“Hey little merme~”

It was as if time stopped for my mother. Her eyes weren’t nearly as shocked as my stepdads.

“You remember Merme? You gave her that nickname, Baekhyun –do you remember her name?” She was eager to find some hope but I could only share my regrets.

“No. I only said what came to mind. She looks like me when I was that age.” I nod softly before being handed the baby carefully.

I give the phone placement by my leg the second I can feel the light weight-warmth in my arms. She smells heavenly and almost makes me just as emotional. I know I’m not the type to do such a thing, but knowing I had a sister I could hardly remember was devastating and it only consumes me. Then there, she gladly lets me press my lips to the smooth but unfamiliar forehead of hers.

“Naeil is her name.” My stepfather shared the second I held back a weak sob.

“She was labored through water birth, just like you.” I could offer up as much control in order to hand back Naeil and soon after was left reaching for my notes and writing the most detailed bio about little Merme.

Do my stepfather and I still get along?

What’s my sister’s name?

oooo2

I remembered why I hated cucumbers –nearly gagging from the taste; I hardly was able to stare down at my plate with disdain.

“I knew they looked like trouble.” I have to swish my mouth out with soap (safely, just water) before staring at the nurse for the plate to be removed. These cucumbers were obvious but they were made to look like a simple banchan of (애호박 볶음) hobak bokkeum and clearly, it was done by intention.

The nurse only chuckled, “Sorry, I’ll get you something else.” It’s not right away that she takes the plate. She’s writing something down and quietly portrays a nod of satisfaction that follows with someone else retrieving the cucumber secret formula.

I again unevenly lay my head back and recoup from the small mishap. Makes me wonder if they did tha