Chanyeol #7                                                                                             

             17 

I’m fine. I am just not myself lately.

It’s been too late saying this but I woke up having people tell me otherwise.

“If you can’t get your act together I’m definitely not having you go to another country.” Nurse Oh tore the blanket off the foot of the bed as I attend to sit up for another checkup. I woke up –outdated by just a few hours and awkwardly traced my hand and fingers over the face of my other arm.

There have been light red markings along with the drip attached in sight. The indication I fell face down sends me groaning at my pain. The entire side of my face is scratched and swollen to a degree.

I feel so tired and so it gave me an excuse to rudely remark, “You don’t have a say in that though, do you?!” Though my eyes aren’t met, the colder exterior exposed as I look the other way ignites a bitter taste in the both of our mouths.

Gladly letting me vent, Ms. Oh only proceeded to caution me again which happens too many times lately. “Chanyeol, I only know so much and I don’t mean to pry but are you not even going to do as advised?”

Her patience wears thin as I count my blessings with being alive even now.

The information she gets from the hospital should be basic when it involves patients. However, this is me. Her many years of experience involving knowing majority of the facility patient conditions and more of how and why they’re here and are doing what they are doing can’t really be overlooked with me.

Ms. Oh has felt love, knows the process of coping when it gets bad and when it seems to be helpless. Depression she figured the first time, but beyond the broken heart is a broken man and she won’t believe it but this man she watched grow up isn’t as strong as he may seem. It’s why the advisory has reported to her my condition in closed doors.

“You are to rest, what are you doing fainting outside in the streets?”

My thoughts are pure; I wanted to see him though it wasn’t exactly wise.

Stupid decision…

 I got told off.

In the end, he worsened the positive drive I’d been able to get out the house with and made me distraught –helplessly distraught. I’ve never done anything like that before. It’s based upon worrying too much, that heat, the pressure, the thought of people seeing me like this –it’s embarrassing.

“They’re going to need you to stay.” She adds –ticking off the hairs that rise along my neckline. It’s that hair-rising, coaxing caress placed at my back by her that I suddenly gasp out –restraining much suffocated tears.

Her other hand knows to pat my head once and embrace me just as I lean onto her. It’s hard enough that I croak out the snot nosed sobs, but she of all people don’t need to see me in this state. I promised her I would be fine as long as Baekhyun made it out alive. But I messed that up entirely because what ate at me from time to time grew to be the overbearing lack of confidence being with or away from him.

She trusted that I would get past it but she didn’t know I was in love with him.

On two occasions I’ve fainted and the exhaustion witnessed dissatisfies her to many measures. Her profession tells her I am a patient with symptoms as it says ; undergoing a phobia of a kind experiencing persistent suffering in the form of emotional distress through shame, embarrassment, anxiety, fear, and other tense feelings when confronted with social circumstances but it’s deeper than that.

“Oh, not my Chanyeol…” –she will distantly whisper with a small kiss to my crown. She knew something had changed me. For many days , this would eat at her too, but unlike her –I had an disorder and I had undergone the trauma.

Who knew someone like me couldn’t get back on my feet.

I hold onto her tightly, buried deep within the thoughts of wanting to get past the pain. It was all taking too much of a toll and I couldn’t handle it anymore. My bones ache from the shaking that I realize if I don’t stop, I’ll fall out again.

Stricken by the immense wave of mind-numbing combustion, I grow limp and stare wide eyed at fiction. “I’ll be fine, I won’t go anywhere –I will…” Salvia flows down my throat by the swallow and I reach my gaze up at hers assuring, “I will get my treatment, get better.” Her nods make me nod. Whether or not we both believed my words, I had to believe in something.

I had to face the prompt offense that I could no longer believe in Baekhyun.

He had no relation to me and no chance at having me show him myself. There if being a way that I could get him to accept me would bring out nothing, I know this. The damage was quite done apparently.

I know this because I am no longer healthy. The chart at the foot of the bed says that, the tears I shed hoping to say strong enough says that, the people who are advised to ignore me because I by prior upbringing let none in, says that.

Saying something– to be said without words is why I don’t function now. It’s come back to bite me.

“Okay. Now, Sehun was coming to visit you. He helped you get here but now that you’re stable you can meet with him.” Ms. Oh gives me space and I rest myself upright again.

I’ll have mend the differences briefly and nod, “Yeah, I should thank him a ton.” I remember seeing him before my fall but then I distinctly caught someone call my name.

The voice that didn’t fit the man made me question it by a spec.

“Eat something.” A tray of food is brought to me, I open my hand for the fork immediately, distancing myself form the possibilities even so.

“The doctor will come by in a moment, you get your mind together, tell them how you feel. I know you don’t like it but be honest.” Her words are curt, signifying she knows me to do the opposite.

“I am too tired to put on a front now.” I shake my head, ease the piece of meat in my mouth and chew. I roughly bask in how so-so it tastes then try to keep it going by putting more pieces in my mouth so that my mouth fills up.

Ms. Oh sighed, “Good, now I’ll step outside.” Her words, short but weak make me all the more sorry for making her feel so troubled.

“Mmm!” I get some voice by chewing still and go for the glass of water before swallowing everything down to say, “You didn’t contact my father, did you?” Along the lines furrowed on my forehead, trepidation all but causes a sweat. The monitor gives me away – strikes of nervousness growing evident to all.

“He did get notified, but I handled it…. I told him it was minor that you would be out tomorrow. You’re welcome.”

This woman, seriously. I had to momentarily ease down the tenses within my shoulders and expression before smiling some. “I owe you.” I said falling for the compassion I had in a mother like figure.

“Just get better honey, you owe that to yourself.” Her last comment has me left alone and it’s getting better. Better to cope with knowing I need help and people are willing to give it. I can’t run from that at least.

I suppose this is why I give myself a hard to time with Baekhyun. He is someone I love and I couldn’t support him. To have him hate me meant it could all end because what I see now –the question asked about my father gave off similar emotions.

Do I know the repercussion of him finding out his son loves a man, almost killed a person and has got a disorder? I don’t see my place in his world just as I couldn’t with my father and that pangs me, frightens me because I too used to be happy growing up.

“I guess it'll all work out after treatment….” This unhappy world created by fear or shun.

Now, I plan to fix that world entirely. I have to, even if it's fixing to let him go. “He’ll give me a chance by then, I’m sure.” My mind will only insist there’s hope until after treatment and so I wait for the future during this present by leading out on a smile in which fled by the falls of salted droplets.

oo17

“Up now, are you?” Testing the waters, Sehun peeks into the room and I’ve been found watching the TV.

Because I chuckle and wave, he’ll overlook the crusty lips, the sore throat and discoloration under the eyes with a relieved sigh.

“Did you get what you set out to look for?” He’s breaking in, flying his hand sideways before it’s placed at his hip. Sehun is not happy with me but I can live with it. Attitude or not the guy sort of save my life.

“I didn’t since it was actually premature.” I fix my pillow and lay on my head animated to a degree. I disagreed with his huff and puff by beckoning him to sit by the bed.

“I want to apologize and thank you, Sehun. I suspect the second time pissed you off, as it did your mom.” I laugh some and refrain from sharing why.

Sehun admits this rolling his eyes but they sof