Baekhyun #4                                                                                                                                             1o

I’ve deleted the pictures.

I even decided that even if I remember, I won’t change a thing.

It may be risky but there’s no drastic information. Knowing someone could have simply been that. I knew a person named Chanyeol –I don’t anymore.

I had thought this prior to find everything, but my best chances are going to continue with or without that person and I’m not depending on the with part.

“Say, Mr. Byun – do you know where the cups are within this room?”

“Cup? No…” I mutter as we’re towards the end of our session this Friday.

“Okay, then do you mind getting me a cup of water, please?”

After this, there’s a small –notice you just got up to pick up the cup beside the water dispenser that pops up in my head. I’m rather disappointed –I wouldn’t like the idea of knowing I am slipping.

I frown –“The dispenser has a cup, but I didn’t know it was that cup you were specifying.” I hand the cup of water before eyeing the man chuckling.

While adjusting the glasses on his nose, he says, “Indeed, but at first we look at our options before acting. We think before we act, Baekhyun remember that.”

He gestures for me to take seat again and when I do, I figure to raise my brow in question. “Think before I act –that’s my most weak point sometimes…”

I’m given a direct answer –“If you were to have known the dispenser had a collection of cups connected to it, or the mugs that are placed at the coffee table across the room, then you would have begun to weigh your decisions, your recollection. Which is normal for everyday life, you see…”

Assuming I should know where everything is leaves me blanket statements. There is no proof whatsoever of my knowledge. I can’t repeatedly make out what’s in front of me. Though he continues to spell it out for me, I nod and space out some more.

“There, you would ask which cup would I like?” oh – this makes sense.

“You didn’t have to know where the cup was if I weren’t being specific, but you would have to decide if you know enough to act on your own. Don’t assume you don’t know a thing –take that time to think, don’t assume that what you knew isn’t helping what you know now. You learn everything everyday –you recall every day, your loops are just going to repeat themselves.”

He drinks now from the cup, “This is why we’re going to the second stage. Come by Monday, okay?”

1o

“You sure you don’t want me to pick you up?” I prepared for this conversation.

I quickly assure the person on the other end as I board the bus. “I’m sure…”

“But it’s been a week –have your visits been helpful?” She presses.

“Mom –would you be paying them so much money if it weren’t? They send results every three weeks but if you’re asking me how I feel then I’ll say they’re a sore –I get headaches and I just want time to myself. I’ll call you an hour before I arrive back home.” I end the call swiftly from the point of swiping my card and taking my seat.

The thump of sitting and the sigh from tiresome thoughts have died down and my eyes play the bus moving onto to the busy streets.

There are a couple of things I’m going to do before work.

But I can’t stop replaying what my session etched in my mind – “Don’t assume you don’t know a thing –take that time to think, don’t assume that what you knew isn’t helping what you know now.”

I know it’s not the fact that what I don’t know isn’t helping. It’s the fact that what the one person knows –isn’t helping.

I said I would drop the occasion, and perhaps my problem only lies within having to see him since he’s in the neighborhood. That’s if he’s willing to stop by. The proper day goes without saying, in many ways I wonder about the feelings I’ve lost within my memory loss.

Nothing feels the same –this out of body experience constantly gets way over my head. That’s why I’m not going to give myself a break about where and when I can remember. Anything can trigger me and that’s just what I need.

So I’m giving the town a small stroll. Not out of the ordinary –I have a place to be and there’s no doubt to it helping me.

Probably early this morning before leaving home I received an e-mail from a woman named Irene. She had been in contact with me before and all this time, my email wasn’t logged into. I didn’t normally check my email but the me I have been these past months must had gotten busy.

I had many interviews in which I have no memory. Intern positions I’d worked on handling after the summer but few replied and they were denied. I reviewed what I’d sent them –a few video links of myself and my proposal as to say I could help assist with radio shows, even talk shows that were lackin