Space and time, the two principal things human beings need to create a reality. Humans seems to be lost without a space and time, it seems the end if anything doesn’t have a special place and a special time. Truth be told, space and time are just names. The only thing which has always matter along the years is how we feel in a determinate space and at a determinate time. There are places that we can call ‘home’ and there are moments which we can call ‘happy’. There are places that we don’t even know, and there are moments that we won’t even live but still, those are realities… But aren’t dreams real in our unconscious while we sleep even though there’s a space and time? Just because we can’t see something, does it means it’s not real?... Uh, even dreams are more realistic in days like this for Youngjae. In days like this, even when it happens just one time per year, Youngjae feels there are no space and no time.

Just like the fluffy clouds seem to be wrapped in a gray silk paper up in the vast sky, Youngjae’s now numb heart is embraced by a cold sorrow. It digs deep and deep in his soul, reaching that comfortable place in the depths of his arching heart where sadness is so used to sleep in this particular day. Sadness had name it it’s place since the very first time years ago, and Youngjae has never had the strength to make it leave. The sorrow is so impregnated in his system that Youngjae can feel the familiar unpleasant smell of melancholia filling this day in every little corner. He can feel the bitter taste of loneliness slowly sliding down his throat at each memory which crosses his disconnected mind. He can feel the cold touch of pain blurring the spark from his dark, empty eyes… He can feel the cruel stab of the past in his sore heart telling him again and again that is not going to come back.

That he is not going to come back.

Sun lights are trying to pass through the heavy grey clouds, just like Youngjae’s heartbeats are trying to beat faster and stronger to break the cold, hard shield overlying his sore heart… but just like the sun lights becoming weaker and weaker against the storm’s clouds up in the dark sky Youngjae’s heartbeats decrease slowly, giving up in front of that harsh sorrow one more time because he just doesn’t has strength. The hours, the days, the years gradually were taking away from him the strength to keep fighting. The moments Youngjae spent without him took away his wanted to keep breathing. The cold loneliness inside his aching heart little by little killed his hope that some of these days he could let him go and remember him with a smile, not with painful tears piercing his shattered soul a little more. The pieces of his broken heart dying a bit more in this day every single year tells him to open up his tired eyes and see the cruel reality… He won’t come today, or tomorrow, or the day after because he is gone. 

He has been gone since so long ago.

A long low sigh escapes from Youngjae’s dry lips as he leans against the wooden bench of that empty park, watching without really watching how slowly the storm clouds are gathering together in the grey sky. A small shiver spreads along his body when the wind blows a bit harder and colder, passing through his thin summer clothes and touching coldly his smooth, not so warm skin. But Youngjae doesn’t care; Youngjae doesn’t pay attention to such tiny, insignificant fact: his brown eyes darker than ever could just look up, holding back the revel tears fighting to came out just like the rain drops up in those gray clouds.  He will cry later,  under the cover of his bed, along with the night, when the loud sound of the harsh storm overshadow his sad, heartbroken crying in the cold darkness and loneliness of his big, empty bedroom.

Away from all eyes, and just under his gaze.

His cellphone buzzes in his jeans once again, how many times has it been since he got there? How long has it been since he got there? Youngjae doesn’t know, Youngjae doesn’t care… how could he? He just remember waking up really early in the morning, even before the sunrise when every single part of the city was still sleeping and submerged in the calm darkness of the last instants of the night, and then he silently came out from home without anyone noticing him. He didn’t go to school, like it’s usual in days like this. He didn’t spoke with anyone, like its usual in days like this. He didn’t bother to answer his cellphone, like its usual in days like this. He doesn’t care if someone is looking out for him, like its usual in days like this.

Youngjae will just sit there, in that old wooden bench of this forgotten park, looking up at the stormy sky without really looking at it until the cold darkness of the night comes again and his weak heart could not hold back anymore the tears in his empty eyes, pushing him to run back at home, hearing his mother’s questions which Youngjae won’t answer, hearing the ‘click’ of his door closing at his back, hearing his heavy steps echoing in the silence of his room, hearing the soft murmur of the mattress under his weight when he plops down on his cold bed… and finally hearing the sound of his heart breaking again and again when his sad tears roll down from closed eyes.

Just like is usual in days like this.

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The rain is falling hard, harder than ever, Jaebum can bet his life to it. The wind is blowing fast and harsh, violently lashing the windows and doors of every single home of Seoul until the point it frighten you like if some God got really mad this night. The cold is passing through walls and floors, digging slow but deep in your skin, killing the weak warmth you can manage to get with thick layers of clothing even if you are inside the comfort of home. There is something in the air tonight; filling every single space with that mysterious perfume you couldn’t really know what it is: it is a mix between the cold storm outside and the smell of a latent catastrophe coming any time soon… very, very soon. The big rain drops are hitting against clear windowpanes now, slowly sliding down as the wind blows it to some direction; while the other not so lucky drops stamped crustily against the deserted street, grass, ceiling and everything unprotected out there.

“Where are you Youngjae?” the question crosses Jaebum’s mind yet again, looking out the window with pleading brown, worry eyes as he can hear two happy voices talking around him.

His eyes turn away for a moment, looking at the couple in front of him: there are his father and Youngjae’s mother sitting on that big couch, looking with big smiles on their bright faces at the sophisticated ring on the lady’s hand. They are talking about the wedding they told him so excitedly about a few hours ago like as if Youngjae’s absence wasn’t important. Did they even think once about Youngjae today? Jaebum didn’t really pay attention to the two adults and the good news because he was –he is­- more concern about the fact that his little boy was missing since the morning. But now that night has come with this cold, harsh storm and still Youngjae is not at home, Jaebum feels quite angry thanks to the selfishness of the two adults.

Who cares a ing wedding if Youngjae is not there?

His cellphone buzzes in his hand one more time today, and Jaebum’s eyes immediately place on the screen as his heart beats fast in anticipation. –Jaebum, Yugyeom still can’t contact Youngjae. Where is that nerd hiding? >.< I’m worry sick!

A small, weak smile curves on Jaebum’s lips at he reads the text message; Jinyoung has never worried about anyone or about any circumstances so the fact that his friend is worry, and even more, feeling sick just means this is more serious than what Jaebum had thought... and that’s exactly of what he was fearful the most.  Even though they were talking on the phone and sending messages along the day, at each minute it passed, at each new call or text where Jinyoung told him that Yugyeom still couldn’t find Youngjae Jaebum’s heart was gradually staining with concern and grief. He had look out for Youngjae everywhere, all day long without finding him; feeling not only desperate but also angry with himself because he wasn’t able to find the person he cares and loves the most… and now, at this precise moment, Jaebum feels useless.

The distant sound of the door opening and closing suddenly makes his heart skip a strong beat. Jaebum’s cellphone falls down on the couch when he stands up abruptly as the small brunette boy enters the living room with a downcast aura. Their eyes meet for short seconds until Youngjae turn his gaze away, but Jaebum was able to see those dark eyes without their beautiful characteristic spark that makes his heart ache even more with worry and pain. Jaebum wants to run and hug him tight, he wants to ask so many questions and at the same time he wants to kiss his little boy until they both end up breathing desperately for air; but he can only clench his fists and hold back his emotions, watching how his smiling future step mother approaches his crestfallen step brother.

-Honey, where were you!?- she asks as she holds his son’s face between her hands, her exciting tone ringing in every place of the house.

-At the library…- is all what Youngjae mumbles weakly, never looking up at his mother’s eyes.

“You are lying, I went 10 times to the library and you never were there.” Jaebum thinks as his eyes stare intensely at the younger boy, wondering where was Youngjae all this time and why is he lying now.

-Oh well I have great news, baby!- the woman says still so excited, grabbing his son’s cold hands and holding them tight as she look right at his son’s handsome face. -Sejoon and I are getting marry!- and then she says it, the smile on her face getting wider and wider if it’s possible.

Youngjae’s unexpressive eyes lifts up from the floor to find his mother’s bright ones looking straight at him as her words are echoing in his head like an atomic bomb had just explode inside his brain. -What…?- is all what he can mumble, noticing his mother’s wide smile.

-We are getting married! Sejoon proposed to me today, look how beautiful my ring is.- his mother comments happily, showing him her hand but Youngjae’s mind it’s not working well right now.

-What…?- he asks again confused, frowning a little as his eyes look back at her mother’s sparkling ones.      

The soft laugh of his mother fills his ears for a moment, until her sweet joyful tone echoes one more time around the house. -What happen, baby? Are you that shock?-

Youngjae looks silently at his mother for a moment, and then his dark orbs turns to place in those brown one of his step father. -You proposed her today?- he asks, watching how Sejoon simply nods at his question. -And you accepted…?- he asks again, this time looking back at her mother.

-Honey, of course I accepted!- she exclaims incredulous, that smile still playing on her red lips. -Why are you so surprised, baby?- she wonders curios, looking at her son’s eyes without noticing how dark and empty they are.

The sound of the rain falling hard outside is all what it could be hear inside that living room while Youngjae just stands there watching at her mother like if she was a estrange woman, feeling the pieces of his broken heart falling painfully one more time. How can she be so happy in this day? How can she be smiling when he was dying inside? How can she? Is just so cruel... 

-You don’t remember, do you?- Youngjae asks in a soft, low voice; standing there like if his body was lifeless as his empty stare looks right at his mother’s eyes.

-Remember what, baby?- his mother wonders confuse, but still that smile could never left her face.

And so Youngjae snorts sarcastically. -What am I asking? You didn’t even bother to find me, why could you remember what day is today?- he comments coldly, feeling how the tears he had being holding back pools in his eyes.

His mother just stares at him with her confuse gaze… until something clicks in her head as she thinks in what her son had just said. The smile on her face slowly fades away, at the same time as his son’s tears tolls down from his sad eyes and she can feel her owns pooling quickly on her eyes. –Youngjae…- is all what she can whisper because of that knot of emotions on .

-How could you, mom? How could you forget about today like if it was nothing?- Youngjae wonders in such a hurtful tone, shaking his head softly as he just can’t believe what is happening.

-Youngjae… son, I-I’m sorry…- the woman mumbles in a slight shaking voice, letting her tears fall from her dark eyes.

-You sorry?!- Youngjae shouts loudly, making the other three people shiver surprise because of his sudden act. -What are you saying?! You don’t even care! You forgot about my father’s death because you were so happy about you stupid marriage and you say you sorry?!- he asks incredulous and angry, looking how his mother cries but that only makes him angrier.

-Youngjae…- is all what she mumbles weakly.

-How can you be so cruel mom?! The man you loved died on a day like this, my father died on a day like this and I have been so sad, feeling tightness in my chest that doesn’t let me breathe because I don’t have him! And here you are so happy and smiling about your ing wedding like if it was the happiest day of your life when I’m dying inside, when this day is the saddest day of my life since he had gone! All these years, all the time, do you know how it hurts, mom?! Do you know how much I have cried?! Do you know how much I miss him, how much I need him?!-Youngjae exclaims in angry, cold words; feeling a headache at each tear it falls from his eyes.

-Y-Youngjae … I-I…- his mother whispers almost audible, squeezing the left place on her chest where her arching heart is beating desperate.

-I don’t want to hear your lies! I… I…- Youngjae bites his bottom lip, staring right at her mother’s teary eyes as the words he wants to say seems stuck on his throat for some reason. But he swallows hard, wiping away those warm tears from his cheeks even though there are a lot more sliding from his pained eyes.

-I hate you.- until those words leaves his trembling lips, while his empty eyes watch how his mother heart brakes in front of him, while he hears how his mother cries in agony… while he feels like everything around him is collapsing, how the last pieces of his heart seems to stop beating, how his entire body feels numb and weak.

But then he can feel a big, warm hand grabbing his small, cold one. He can feel being drag kind but quickly as his legs moves in automatic. He can feel the loud noise of the storm echoing in his blank mind. He can feel the freezing touch of the rain slamming cruelly on his face. His dark eyes seem to work again when he can visualize a big back and onyx locks: Jaebum is dragging him, on the desert street in this furious storm somewhere Youngjae really doesn’t care… But it is just when his eyes find the bond between their hands, when Youngjae feel the nice touch of Jaebum’s warm skin burning his cold one; it is there when Youngjae understands how awful he was tonight.   

-Jaebum…- he mumbles weakly, stopping in the middle of the street as he still holds tight the older boy’s hand. –J-Jaebum… I-I…- he cries, and trembles, looking down at the wet floor as he feels undeserved to meet with those brown, caring eyes.

Long, strong arms are wrapping around his trembling anatomy right now; hugging him tight –so tight- that Youngjae can feel clearly Jaebum’s warmth, that warmth he was missing and needing all this day. –It’ll be okay, Youngjae… don’t cry, please don’t cry, I’ll make it okay.-

Jaebum’s soft voice mixes sweetly with the sound of the rain falling even harder, but in his unstable mind, in his broke heart, Youngjae knows he doesn’t deserves this. He doesn’t deserve Jaebum’s warmth, he doesn’t deserve Jaebum’s affection, and he doesn’t deserve Jaebum’s arms hugging him tight… He is such a terrible person, Youngjae knows it, but Youngjae also knows that even if he doesn’t deserve having Jaebum with him he still wants him… he still needs him.

And that’s what makes Youngjae the most terrible person.