I was away over the weekend hence why this chapter took a little longer than I wanted.

Chapter 37

The bed was shifting and Xiumin could hear the faint sounds of clothes rustling as he woke up. He cracked open his tired eyes to see Luhan's as he sat on the edge of the bed. He was already wearing his pants and bending over like he was pulling on his socks. At the realisation that he was leaving, sneaking out without even waking him up, Xiumin's insides seemed to fall away.

“You're leaving?”

Luhan's head spun around, eyes wide. “You're awake.”

Xiumin pulled himself up into a sitting position. He knew there was desperation in his eyes but didn't try to hide it.

“You weren't even going to tell me? You were just going to leave, just like that?”

His heart was thumping in his chest and he began to scramble forward to grab Luhan but found his arms already around him.

“I'm not going anywhere.”

Luhan's grip tightened as he cradled him against his body and spoke into his hair. There was a little note of laughter in his voice as he said, “Sweetie, I live here, remember?”

“You were leaving,” Xiumin whimpered shamelessly.

“Shh, shh, no I wasn't. I just didn't want to wake you yet.”

Xiumin was breathing too hard but he didn't want to pull away so he pressed himself up against his lover anyway and tried to calm himself down. Luhan gentle fingers up and down his back soothingly.

“I thought after we slept together… I thought you forgave me.”

Luhan sighed a little and pulled away. His heart ached as Xiumin looked up at him with those big watery eyes.

“I still love you,” he said softly, almost like he was too scared to admit it out loud. “I just don't know how to deal with all the secrets. It feels like you're not the person I thought I knew.”

“I'm still me. I haven't changed. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Changmin but I never told anyone. I was scared what you would think.”

Luhan sat back, finally putting some space between them. He didn't want to have this conversation again but it looked like it was happening. He still loved and wanted Xiumin, no doubt about it, but knowing that he had been a pet scared him for some reason.

“I can't help that I loved someone before you,” Xiumin told him quietly. “You loved someone else, too.”

Luhan snorted at the memory. “Yeah and look how that turned out. He used me and screwed around every chance he got. I don't know why you'd volunteer for that.”

“What do you mean?”

Patiently Luhan tipped his head to one side and pinned Xiumin with a look. “You don't see the similarities?”

It took the other wolf a second to realise what he was getting at. “Ch-Changmin never cheated on me.”

“That you know of.”

“He didn't!”

He grabbed Luhan's wrist a little too roughly.

“He was in love with me. I know you want to hate him but he treated me really well.”

“He made you his pet. You don't do that to someone you love. You don't degrade them like that and make them do God knows what.” His voice was becoming strained and rising with each word.

“He didn't make me do anything I didn't want to,” Xiumin answered quietly. He had begun to lean back, a little wary of Luhan's sudden frustration.

“That's what you think. That's what they always make you think until after and then you realise what people like that are really like.”

“Luhan,” he whispered.

Tears were shining in his lover's eyes and his hands had balled in the bedsheets.

“He shouldn't have used you like that. He shouldn't have made you his pet so he could have that power over you. You shouldn't have let him.”

“Lu, who are we talking about here?”

“No one. I mean, Changmin.” He rubbed at his eyes and swallowed in a hard gulp.

Xiumin shuffled closer cautiously. He laid a gentle hand on Luhan's bare arm and was relieved when he didn't pull away.

“Sweetie, did your ex… were you his pet?”

“No,” he answered a little too quickly, “not officially anyway. But afterwards that's what it felt like.” His voice dropped to barely more than a whisper. “That's what he said I was like.”

Xiumin heart cracked a little. He hated seeing Luhan so vulnerable, had never known how deeply his ex had hurt him. This time it was his turn to wrap his lover up in his arms and he was relieved to feel him sink into the touch.

“It was different with me and Changmin,” he whispered. “I was his pet officially but he never treated me like it. Not once.”

“Really?”

Luhan looked up at him with those big doe eyes and Xiumin found himself smiling. “Really. That's why he hasn't ordered me to go back.”

“But he hasn't given you up, either.”

“He says he's still in love with me.”

“Do you love him?” Luhan asked shakily.

Xiumin had thought about it enough since his ex ha returned to be able to answer easily. “I love you. I still care about him and I want him to be happy but whatever there was between us, it doesn't mean anything compared to you.”

Embarrassed but happy, Luhan pressed his face against Xiumin's neck.

“I really wasn't leaving,” he said softly against his skin.

“I know. I just got scared for a minute.”

“I'm always scared right now. I'm scared he'll take you away from me.”

“He can't.”

“But he can. I know you have a lot of faith in him being a good person but if he gets desperate then you don't know what he might do.”

Xiumin looked in Luhan's eyes and saw the honesty in them. Maybe he had a point. Changmin hadn't officially given him up yet and now he was saying stuff about Minseok's pack being back. Was he just trying to scare him into going back?

“I understand,” he said.

“I can't act like everything is normal between us with this hanging over us.”

“What are you saying?”

“I don't know.” He sat up, pulling away from Xiumin's comforting touch. “We're still packmates and we can still be friends but I can't deal with the idea that he could just turn up and take you away at any moment.”

“That won't happen.”

Luhan slipped his hand away from Xiumin's as soon as he reached for it. “I need this to be sorted out. I love you, Xiumin, but I'm terrified of losing you. I want it to be just us.”

Xiumin knew what he meant. With things still left unsorted by Changmin they could never act like things were normal between them. It would always be in the back of their minds', Luhan's especially. He couldn't be open and honest with him if he thought he was going to get his heart broken. After how badly his ex had treated him that was an understandable fear. At least he was being honest about it.

Xiumin leant over to kiss him on the cheek.

“Okay,” he agreed. “We'll get this sorted, really quick. I promise.”

Luhan looked at him thankfully and then tucked his legs up under himself so he could lean against Xiumin. He felt safe, strong arms go around him and fingers playing through his hair. Closing his eyes, he tried to let go of his worries and just enjoy the brief moment of peace.

I thought about having Luhan actually sneak out, full of regrets, because you know me. I love causing angst for these boys.

I was kind, though. For now.

I have plans for something big to happen with Xiumin as the big, dramatic ending (like how Chen got attacked by Heechul) and someone else might get pulled into it too. I'm thinking Baekhyunnie. He's fun to torture, right?