Hold Your Hand

 

“Hey, you want to go shopping with me?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Sunday, okay?”

 

“Alright, see you there.”

 

That was how it all started.

 

Well, sort of anyway. You see, Jessica Jung and I were friends. We weren’t exactly best friends, and we didn’t hang out together all that much. She had her own group of friends and I had mine and we were both too reluctant to migrate away from our comfort zone. But, despite the fact that we rarely hung out, we were what I guess you could consider to be ‘close.’ Our friends knew that we were close with each other and frequently asked why we never hung out. I don’t know what she told them, but I always said that I didn’t want to just go ahead and ditch my friends for her and she probably didn’t want to either.

 

We didn’t hang out with each other at all actually. We had one class together and bonded from there. We would text each other almost every chance we got whether we were in class or not. It was weird going a day without having any form of communication with her. So, I was a little shocked when she asked me to go shopping with her that day. I mean, I was elated at the fact that she actually wanted to hang out with me, but I was still a little surprised. I wasn’t even sure why I was so happy. I was never that fond of shopping, but for some reason I couldn’t wait to go.

 

I followed her around as she bought what she wanted and, being the nice person that I am, I carried her bags for her. I remember we ended up finishing early, but neither of us wanted to go home.

 

“Yuri-yah~ I don’t want to go home~” I remember her whining. I remember thinking it was the most adorable thing ever.

 

I grinned at her. “I don’t want to either.”

 

“Want to watch a movie?”

 

“Sure.”

 

We picked out a random movie and grabbed a quick bite to eat before the both of us had to go home. For reasons that I didn’t understand at the time, I couldn’t wipe the grin off of my face. I was in the best mood I had been in for a while and I didn’t know why. I tried to figure it out that night.

 

That’s when I started freaking out.

 

I started thinking about Jessica’s hand that was lying limply on the armrest next to me during the movie, and I remember feeling the sudden urge to hold her hand. I had never wanted to hold someone’s hand before, but suddenly it was all I could think about. Throughout the movie all I could think about was her hand and how it would look so much better with my fingers in between hers’. I started thinking about how nice it would feel to intertwine our fingers and I wondered if she could maybe – possibly – be thinking the same thing.

 

I didn’t understand my feelings. All I understood was that I wanted to hold her hand.

 

That was all I wanted to do, just hold her hand.

 

I wondered if it was okay to be feeling like this. I wondered if it was normal to be feeling like this. I wondered if it was wrong to be feeling like this.

 

Then it hit me.

 

I like her.

 

I like her.

 

I like a girl.

 

I like Jessica Jung.

 

I like her, Jessica Jung, a girl.

 

I remember not being able to sleep that night because I spent the whole night freaking out over this revelation that I liked someone of the same gender.

 

I was confused and scared. It didn’t feel real to me. I felt like I didn’t know myself anymore.

 

I mean, was I gay?

 

I liked a girl, that meant I was gay, didn’t it?

 

It was funny. I had always considered myself an adamant supporter of gay rights, but when I found out about myself I still freaked out. I couldn’t wrap the idea around my head entirely that I was gay. I mean. It was fine if other people were – I even had a couple friends who were gay – but for me to be gay was unreal. I couldn’t accept it at first. I couldn’t handle the fact that I was now someone that my parents probably couldn’t accept, that the majority of society couldn’t accept. There was now a part of me that I felt I had to hide from everyone simply because I thought they’d think of me differently, and that thought of that scared me to death.

 

I thought about my friends and how they would react. I knew – I really did – that they wouldn’t care, but in that moment of irrationality I thought they wouldn’t accept me. I thought they’d see me differently. I thought they wouldn’t treat me the same way.

 

It was a stupid and insane thought, but who is ever sane or rational when they’re freaking out?

 

I woke up the next morning with about thirty minutes worth of sleep and decided that the whole thing was stupid. I couldn’t be gay. That was impossible. There was just absolutely no way. I rejected the idea from my mind and went on with my day like nothing was wrong.

 

And it worked, almost.

 

Everything was fine until I saw Jessica.

 

I saw her, but she didn’t see me.

 

I wasn’t stalking her, I swear.

 

I turned the corner and there she was, kissing her boyfriend.

 

Yes, Jessica had a boyfriend. I knew that, but for some reason I couldn’t stand the sight of them doing anything intimate. It was just a simple peck on the lips, but I couldn’t help but find it repulsive. When they broke apart, I started to freak out and before either of them could spot me I ran behind a wall and hoped that they didn’t notice. It felt like my heart was beating a little faster and my eyes had widened in shock at what I had just done.

 

I didn’t know why I felt like I had to hide from them. I just couldn’t bear the thought of them together. I didn’t think I could take it if they were to come up to me like they were, if they came up to me together.

 

The thoughts from the night before began to ravage my mind again and I started to panic again.

 

The word jealousy popped into my mind. Was I jealous? I know now that I was, but when this happened I was still a confused wreck. To be jealous meant that I was envious of something. It meant that he had something I wanted.

 

Jessica.

 

Her name popped into my mind before I could stop it from coming.

 

I couldn’t feel this way. This was wrong. That’s what I thought, anyway. Was this really so wrong? What exactly made it wrong?

 

“Yuri unnie?” Yoona came up to me with an amused look plastered on her face. “Were you spying on them?”

 

She said it jokingly, but I swear I could feel myself start to break out into a sweat. I nervously put on a grin and tried to laugh it off as best as I could.

 

“Of course not. I was just waiting for you.”

 

Yoona shrugged it off. I normally did weird things, so I guess she probably didn’t think much of it.

 

I stared at her and wondered if I should tell her about it. I needed a second opinion on it. I couldn’t be the only one feeling this way, right?

 

I started thinking about her hands again. I wanted to hold them in mine. I mean, I knew it was possible to hold someone's hand and have it be completely platonic, but for some reason this felt so completely and utterly different. I didn’t know what it was, but it scared me. I decided to keep my mouth shut about the topic and continued the day normally. I figured the feeling would go away if I ignored it long enough. I figured it was just nothing and shrugged it off. But, deep inside I knew that this was something, that there were feelings that wanted to burst out at any minute.

 

Things only started getting worse.

 

When I saw her and her boyfriend walking around holding hands I could feel the inside of my stomach lurch and I would always deliberately take the longer way around just so I wouldn’t be able to see them. I don’t think they ever noticed. It wasn’t like they were doing anything disgusting. They were just walking, innocently holding hands.

 

I think that was what got to me the most – their hands.

 

I could only dream – not that I would’ve admitted it at the time – of holding her hand the way he did, and my dream was his reality. It sickened me for reasons that I couldn’t comprehend at the time.

 

Still, I refused to believe what I knew was the truth and continued like nothing was wrong.

 

Except everything was wrong.

 

I noticed that I had to fight down a blush every time she was mentioned. What’s even worse is that I started to sneak glances at her all the time in class. She sat in the row behind me and a couple seats to the right of me, so if I turned my head to the right a little bit I could see her diligently focusing on class. It was something I admired about her. She was always so focused. She could be lazy, but if she put effort into something she put her all into it. It was all or nothing with her. I’d just glance at her from time to time and I realized that I found everything she did to be completely and utterly adorable. Had she always been this adorable? This attractive?

 

There was this one time she was sick – or maybe it was allergies, I’m not sure – and her nose was even a little red and she’d be sniffling a lot. And in class when I glanced her she looked so tired and she leaned her head sideways against her arm on the desk, but you could tell she was trying hard to pay attention. I thought it was the cutest thing in the world. The sight made me want to just walk over to her and hug her. I frowned at the thought. Friends do that for each other, didn't they? Friends thought this way about friends...didn't they?

 

It didn’t really get any better after that.

 

Jessica loved to sing. She sang for this talent show our school held and I knew – I swear I knew – that she was not the best performance of the night. Sure, she was great, but certainly not the best – far from it actually. The reasoning inside my head told me that she wasn’t the best, but for some reason I couldn’t help but think she was so amazing. There was something about her performance that made me love it and it easily became one of my favorite performances from that night.

 

And then she performed in our school’s musical. I couldn’t help but notice that I would search for her in every single scene, even in ones she wasn't in. I ended up going to the total of three times. Considering that there were only five showings, I thought that was a little extreme.

 

It came to the point where I couldn’t ignore the feeling anymore. This obsession I had with talking to her, with seeing her, with wanting to hold her hand, with her and absolutely everything about her was starting to get a little out of hand. I thought I was going insane, I really did. Because she was all I could think about and every time she talked to me it made my day. I was addicted to her, and I knew I couldn’t deny that I was anymore. It wasn’t something I could contain anymore. I realized that it wasn’t going to go away, because, if anything, it had only grown stronger.

 

What it was, I didn’t know, but I knew I couldn’t run from it anymore.

 

One day I noticed that Yoona had grabbed my hand to get me to keep up with her pace. She wanted to get to lunch before the rest of the hungry higher school peers got there.

 

It felt kind of nice actually, to hold someone’s hand. I began to disregard all my earlier suspicions. I enjoyed holding Yoona’s hand, but I was 100% sure that I didn’t see her as more than a friend. Maybe I just had an obsession with hands in general. I tried so hard to convince myself that the whole thing was just a fluke, that it was just a moment of temporary insanity and that I was just a normal girl that thought Jessica was really pretty and talented. I mean, you could think someone was really pretty and talented and not like them in that way, couldn’t you?

 

You could, but I knew this was different. I couldn’t explain it; I couldn’t pinpoint what it was, so I ignored it again because that was the easiest thing to do.

 

When I thought I had decided to take a step forward, I chickened out and took two steps back instead.

 

Then, I tried to convince myself that I liked this guy that I had become close with recently. He was cute and funny and my friends already teased me about being in a relationship with him, so I went along with it. I told them that I liked him because I thought that maybe if they believed it then so would I. I mean, he was a good guy and my friends thought so too. It was such a believable lie that I almost fooled myself. Almost.

 

One day Jessica came up to me and asked if I could walk with her to class. Obviously I said yes. I mean, how stupid would I have been to say no? Besides, we had the same class anyway, so why on earth would I decline her offer?

 

I still remember the smile she gave me before she slipped her hand in mine.

 

Right then and there, I knew that there couldn’t be any other possible explanation other than that I liked Jessica. There was no being gay or straight or anything like that. I liked Jessica. That was all there was to it.

 

Holding her hand was nothing like holding Yoona’s hand. It was just different. Even if it was only for a minute or two, it was all I needed to get my facts straight.

 

The idea of being gay, or whatever this was—I certainly wasn't as straight as I thought—was still foreign to me, but it was something I would learn to accept about myself eventually. I would ease into it, starting with dealing with this little crush I had on Jessica Jung.

 

But before I did anything, I decided to tell my friends about this first. I was scared that if I didn’t get it out, then I would sink back into denial again. They didn’t really care much. Half of them looked like they expected it. I mean, I expected them to joke about it or a couple ‘I told you so’s to come out. After all, the four of us – Sooyoung, Hyoyeon, Yoona, and I – were known for pranks and joking around all the time. But when I told them all they did was smile comfortingly at me and calmly asked me if it was Jessica. I think on some level they knew how scared I was.

 

I still am actually.

 

Because now I realize I like my friend who has a boyfriend. Not to mention she’s a girl and most likely doesn’t even swing that way.

 

I was setting myself up for heartbreak, I knew.

 

But it was too late. I liked her way too much and I couldn’t stop myself from feeling this way. Because as far as I knew, there was no known way to stop a feeling.

 

If I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I was completely wrong.

 

Once I finally brought myself out of denial, the feelings only increased ten-fold. Every glance, every touch, every little conversation…it all drove me crazy. The fluttering feeling in my stomach got even worse and I started to get nervous around her. I grinned even more whenever something reminded me of her.

 

I knew this wasn’t good for me.

 

She was off limits in so many ways, and I couldn’t stop the want that only grew with time.

 

 

“Hungry?”

 

“No thanks.”

 

“Alright, so –”

 

“Actually, can I have a glass of water? I’m kind of thirsty.”

 

Jessica smiled at me. “Okay, hang on.”

 

I let out the breath I didn’t even know I was holding and tried to calm myself down.

 

I was in Jessica Jung’s room.

 

I wiped my hands on my pants nervously and took a quick glance around the room. It was a little small, which didn’t exactly help me calm the nervous and frantic state I was in. It made me feel claustrophobic and made me act extra awkward than I usually was. She had a lot of pictures of her friends and family hanging around her room. I grinned as I examined her photos. She was so photogenic. I picked up a picture frame and laughed.

 

It was Jessica standing in between her best friend and her best friend’s girlfriend – Tiffany and Taeyeon, respectively—and someone, Taeyeon probably, had taken a pen and childishly drew all over Jessica's face

 

“They thought it’d be funny…”

 

I heard her place the glass of water down on the desk and felt her walk up behind me. I glanced at her face and saw her frowning at the picture in my hand.

 

I chuckled at her obvious dislike. “It is funny though.”

 

“I look like a loser.”

 

“Then why do you have it framed and sitting in your room? Do you like looking at yourself being a loser?”

 

She smacked the back of my head. “Ow! Sica!”

 

“Only I’m allowed to call myself a loser.”

 

I couldn’t help but laugh at her. “Alright fine. But that still doesn’t explain why you have it out if you hate it so much.” I rubbed the back of my head where Jessica hit me. That girl sure had quite an arm for such a lazy person

 

I felt her wrap her arms around my waist from behind and put her chin on my shoulder. I gulped and felt myself tense up a little. That was another problem with Jessica. She was extremely touchy – not that I minded. In fact, the only reason it was a problem was because it made it that much harder for me to quell the feelings I had for her. But I guess I’ll be honest here, I wasn’t really doing much to get rid of them anyway. I know I should, but it was just so damned hard. I mean, I loved being around her; I loved talking to her; I loved it when she held me like the way she was right now. To stop these feelings meant I had to stop doing all those things, or at least do them less frequently, and I don’t think I could take it if I just stopped. I was addicted to her, as much as I hated to admit it, I was – I really was. I simply didn’t have the will to stop doing all of these things. I had fallen too deep for someone I couldn’t have, and as much as it hurt, I just couldn’t stop.

 

“Because…it makes me smile.”

 

“So you admit it’s funny.”

 

“No, it just makes me smile.”

 

“But why?”

 

“Because it's stupid and childish and stupid and childish things make me smile.”

 

“Because they’re funny.”

 

“…”

 

I felt her squeeze my waist a little harder and I couldn’t stop the grin from growing wider despite the growing pain from the surprising strength in her arms.

 

“Come on, just admit it! It’s funny!”

 

I turned my head a little to look at her and saw her pout. “Fine. Whatever.” I knew that she was upset that she just lost.

 

She is too adorable.

 

She let go of me and plopped down onto her bed, lazily lying down on the comfortable mattress. I grinned at the sight.

 

“Sica~” I jumped onto the bed. “We’re supposed to be working~” I started jumping up and down trying to get her to get up.

 

“Yuri-yah…” Jessica grumbled, “stop shaking the bed…I’m trying to take a nap. Work later…”

 

“But Sica –”

 

Before I could finish what I was saying, she pulled me down to lie down next to her. “Sleep with me.”

 

I knew that she didn’t mean it in the way that I automatically began to think, but I couldn’t help the blush that took over my face and immediately jumped off of the bed in embarrassment.

 

“ert,” she said in a tone where I knew she had a smirk plastered onto her face. I sighed and when I felt like the embarrassment had died down a bit I went back and lay down next to her. It was unlike her to want to procrastinate so much. We had been trying for days to get this stupid presentation on this stupid book, The Catcher in the Rye, that our English teacher was making us dissect. We were due to present our interpretation in a two days and we'd barely done anything. Jessica was a good student, she would never leave anything like this till the last minute.

 

“What is it?” I asked, staring the ceiling.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You don’t procrastinate on big projects like these unless something big happened.”

 

There was no answer, only a sharp intake of breath.

 

“What is it Sica?”

 

“We broke up.”

 

“W – what?”

 

“Me and him. We broke up.”

 

I could tell she couldn’t even stand saying his name. “Why?”

 

She shrugged. “We both agreed that we didn’t like each other as much as we thought we did and decided that we wouldn’t work out.”

 

“Oh.”

 

I kind of wish that there was a reason to hate him. Like, if he cheated on her or something – not that I would ever want Jessica to go through something like that or anything. Because for some reason, even without a valid reason, I kind of hated the guy.

 

I could feel Jessica shift on the bed as she turned to face me. “Talk to me.”

 

“About?”

 

“Anything.”

 

Before I could stop myself, the question lingering in the back of my head slipped out. “How do you feel about homouals?”

 

Jessica smiled at me and raised an eyebrow. .

 

“I can always count on you to find the most random topics to talk about…”

 

I nervously laughed. “Yup,” I answered lamely.

 

“Well…considering I’m best friends with Tiffany, I have nothing against them.”

 

“So then,” I turned to look at her, “how would you feel if a girl liked you?”

 

I didn’t know why I was saying the things I was, but I was already regretting that sudden burst of courage I had gotten just a few seconds ago.

 

Jessica stared at me, her smile disappearing and I started to panic.

 

“…I don’t really know. It’s never happened before.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Jessica turned to lie on her back again, breaking our eye contact. She stared at the wall and I turned to join her. I closed my eyes. Maybe a nap wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world right now.

 

“I don’t think I’d mind.”

 

My eyes snapped open.

 

“I mean, I’ve liked a girl before…”

 

“Y – you have?” How did I not know this information before? What about it was so secretive that she had to hide it from me? Unless she was ashamed of not being so straight either?

 

“…Taeyeon.”

 

My mouth dropped.

 

“Tiffany’s Taeyeon?” I gasped.

 

Jessica let out a loud sigh, ignoring my dramatic reaction. “Yeah. We had a huge argument over this before. But, Taeyeon picked her, obviously.”

 

“…Do you still, uh…”

 

“I don’t think I do. I mean, they’re happy together. I’m pretty much over her.”

 

My heart started beating rapidly. The two reasons I had used as an excuse not to make a move had just suddenly vanished into thin air. I now had somewhat of a chance with the gorgeous girl lying next to me and I had completely no idea what to do next. I mean, should I even make a move? She just recently broke up with her boyfriend…And besides, how would I even go about doing something like that? I barely had any experience in trying to win over guys, much less a girl.

 

“Yuri?”

 

“Huh?”

 

I felt Jessica shift her body to face me again. I wasn’t sure I could handle looking at her right now, so I stayed in my position flat on my back and continued to bore holes into the ceiling.

 

“How do you feel about the queer community?” she asked inoocently.

 

“Me?” I croaked out.

 

“Yes, you,” she said in a tone I would’ve described as teasing if I didn’t know any better.

 

I shrugged. “I don’t have anything against them…I’ve liked a girl too.”

 

“Was it Yoona?”

 

“What?” I turned to her with my mouth agape in shock before I burst out into laughter. “She’s like a sister to me.”

 

“Well I just thought…”

 

I smiled and made myself more comfortable so I could face her. “Look at it this way, what if you liked Tiffany?”

 

Jessica scrunched up her face in disgust. “Ew.”

 

“See what I mean?”

 

Jessica laughed. “Yeah, I guess so.”

 

I hadn’t realized how close we had gotten. I don’t know when all the space between us had disappeared, but we were close enough to the point where I could feel her breaths on my face. I felt the light hearted atmosphere die down and I was too stunned to look away from her.

 

Jessica Jung was certainly gorgeous, even more so this close. I mean, I always knew she was pretty, but I was still stunned every time I saw her. She was just too beautiful for words.

 

“What is it?” she asked softly. I guess I was staring too much. It wasn’t like she was doing anything different.

 

I decided to be honest. “You’re beautiful.”

 

I saw the blush creep up to her face and I shyly smiled at her.

 

“Who was the girl you liked, Yuri-yah?” she asked but I was so sure that by the look on her face she already knew the answer.

 

“Is, Sica. Who is the girl I like,” I softly corrected her.

 

I honestly had no idea what in the world was going on anymore, but Jessica was silently egging me on. She was silently begging me to confess, I realized. I could tell by the look she was giving me just now.

 

“You know, there was another reason we broke up.”

 

My breath got caught in my throat. “Really?” I choked out.

 

She giggled and nodded. “I like you Kwon Yuri…and I’m almost positive you like me back, so hurry up and spit it out.”

 

I couldn’t help but laugh at how straight forward she was being. “I like you too.”

 

We lay down next to each other grinning for who knows how long.

 

After all that I've been through...was it really that simple?

 

“Hey Sica…”

 

“Hm?”

 

I felt the blush creep up to my cheeks and I grabbed her hand and interlocked our fingers. I let our hands lie limply in the small space between us.

 

“I like this,” I told her, “lying here and holding your hand…”

 

Jessica giggled. “I do too,” she told me before gripping my hand a little tighter.

 

A million thoughts ran through my head. Is this real? Am I dreaming? How is it possible that I could even be here holding her hand like this?

 

But I finally settled on the thought that I was lying there holding her hand and that was all that mattered.

 

Maybe it really is that simple.