Learning a New Language
Part 3

Dizzy, yet things had never been more clear.

 

Speechless, as if she had stolen the words right from my lips.

 

Breathless, but I had never felt more alive.

 

Quick, like it hadn’t even happened.

 

“Taeyeon?”

 

My eyes snapped open, the world coming back into color except all I could see was Tiffany. I had kissed others before, but this? This was my first real kiss.

 

The grip on my hand loosened, and she pulled away, afraid.

 

“I—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

 

I pulled her back, more confident than I had ever been, and sealed her lips with mine.

 

When I pulled away, she looked just as dazed as I was.

 

“Don’t be sorry,” I breathed. I don’t know what I was thinking at that point. I don’t think I was.

 

And in that moment, there were no worries. No thinking about my parents, no thinking about how Mr. Hwang was doing, no thinking about if anyone even missed me at all, no thinking about anything or anyone else but Tiffany.

 

 

As we went onto the final stretch of the semester, I lost myself in her.

 

I didn’t know who I was anymore or where I was going. I thought I would be able to find some sort of clarity with her, but I was less sure of myself than I had ever been. All that consumed my thoughts were ones of her or what reminded me of her, but nothing about me or who I was. And as happy as she made me, there was that nagging feeling inside of me that something was wrong and it was all I could think about, like some seed that had been planted inside of me a long time ago and Tiffany was the light it needed to grow.

 

All I really knew for sure was that I wanted her—I craved her attention. And the more I focused on her the less I focused on me.

 

We never once said out loud what we were to each other. She stopped going on dates and we both holed ourselves in our room for the last month before we would head back to Seoul, the both of using the excuse that we had to study for finals. And while there was studying involved, there was also a lot of touching and kissing.

 

And staring, on my part at least.

 

I was well aware of how insanely creepy it sounded, but I just loved to look at her. There was something about the way she would read with her lips mouthing the words every once in a while, or how she’d brush her hair back behind her ear, or the pout that would appear whenever she’d get confused; it was all just so endearing to me. It drove me crazy that all these simple things could get my heart racing. Sometimes she’d catch me and she’d just smile at me, her cheeks painted with her favorite color. And sometimes, she’d reach over and grab my hand and there’d be this content look in her eyes.

 

I wondered how I looked to her, if I looked as content.

 

If I looked as wonderful.

 

 

“Where are you going?”

 

I watched her curl her hair, still a little groggy from the nap I had just woken up from.

 

“Henry’s throwing a party,” she replied, still concentrated on her hair. I knew Henry. He was in one of the composition classes that I’d started sitting in on. We’d only talked a few times, but I knew that he was fairly popular and lived in an apartment right off campus. The perfect place to party, apparently.

 

“You should come. Show off your new hair color,” she smirked, “I feel like we’ve been cooped up in here too much anyway.” She always liked doing all these fancy things with her hair. I was far too lazy to do anything with my own hair, but a few days before that she complained that I was too boring and we spent the rest of that day dying my hair blonde.

 

“I don’t know,” I mumbled, closing my eyes and lying back down on the bed, “I like being cooped up in here.” I felt her sit down beside me and I unconsciously started twirling a strand of her hair. I wondered why had decided to keep her hair black. She seemed like the type that would’ve liked to experiment.

 

“Isn’t it lonely?” she asked, grabbed my hands and pulling me to sit up.

 

“No, not with you here.”

 

I leaned in for a quick kiss and grinned at her. She only shook her head at me and laughed, standing up and grabbing her things. “I’m still going, Taeyeon. But, you know, you should still come,” she smiled at me. She knew I couldn’t resist her smile. “Even if it’s for a couple minutes. You might like it. And…”

 

She looked away from me and walked towards the door. “It’d mean a lot to me.”

 

I held in a sigh. I knew what she meant—what going out with her would mean. “I’ll think about it, okay?”

 

“Okay,” she said softly. She gave me one last look before walking out the door.

 

I stood up and stretched, feeling oddly out of place without her. Scanning the room to see what I could do in her absence, my eyes stopped at her desk.

 

I walked over and my fingers lightly brushed against the cover of the bible. I wasn’t exactly what I could call a religious person, but Tiffany definitely was. Her Christianity was such a big part of her, it was hard to ignore no matter how much I wanted to. I wanted to ask her about it, if she ever felt like a sinner like me. It baffled me to no end. If she could feel okay about it, then why couldn’t I?

 

And I wondered when this idea had been drilled into my head, when I had begun to think that being with a girl was so wrong.

 

Before I could form a clear idea of what I was doing, I bolted out the door.

 

 

“Taeyeon!”

 

I shuffled uncomfortably in place and tried to maneuver my way through the crowd.

 

“Wait, Taeyeon!”

 

I wondered where Tiffany would be. Dancing? Having a drink? Making out with some guy? Some girl?

 

I cringed at those last few thoughts.

 

“Hey, wait up!”

 

It was possible though, wasn’t it? It wasn’t like we were anything, were we? At least, not officially. Did I want anything more, though?

 

Maybe I did.

 

So what if I did?

 

“Yo, Taeyeon!”

 

A hand on my shoulder startled me and I let out a loud shriek.

 

“Whoa, sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. You walk real fast, you know that?”

 

I turned around and let out a sigh of relief, blushing when I saw that I had attracted the attention of quite a few people around me.

 

“Hey Henry,” I greeted him over the loud music. I saw his mouth moving, but I couldn’t make out anything over the noise. “Sorry, I can’t hear you!”

 

He grinned at me and skillfully led me away from the crowd to a quieter area. “I was trying to tell you, I’m glad to see you here. I didn’t think you would come when I asked you about it.”

 

I tried to remember when he had even invited me. “Honestly, I didn’t think I would come either.”

 

“Yeah, you don’t seem like a partying type of girl,” he laughed.

 

“I’m not,” I admitted with a half-smile, still keeping an eye out for Tiffany.

 

He held out the drink in his hand, silently offering me the cup. I wasn’t sure what it was. Probably beer.

 

“No thanks, I don’t drink anymore,” I politely declined, and he raised his eyebrows at me.

 

“So you just gonna stand there all night?”

 

“Well, actually I was looking for…”

 

And it hadn’t really hit me until then that I had only come for Tiffany. Not for the party, not for the free alcohol, not to socialize. Just her.

 

“For who?”

 

My words got caught in my throat.

 

“Um, Taeyeon?” Henry waved a hand in front of my face. “You okay there, buddy?”

 

Sometimes Henry liked to talk to me in a certain tone, like I was a little kid even though we were the same age. I never really minded much, but there was something about that moment that just irked me. It wasn’t just him; it was the damned party and its ridiculous music and the rude people and the stupid alcohol and Tiffany and Tiffany and Tiffany and Tiffany.

 

“I’m fine,” I hissed. I took a deep breath and tried to control my sudden anger. I knew I was being irrational, but I couldn’t stop the rage boiling over inside of me. “I think I’m just going to leave now.”

 

“Aw come on, you just got here!” he grinned and put a hand on my arm. “Here, I’ll help you look for—”

 

“I don’t need your help!” I screamed and pushed him away.

 

I took a step back and tried to calm myself down, ignoring all the stares and whispers. And then I spotted her in the corner, holding a drink and staring right back at me with a concerned gaze, one of her friends still talking in front of her.

 

In the corner of my eye, I saw Henry sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry,” he mumbled. I could barely hear him.

 

I tore my eyes away from Tiffany and stormed out of the apartment.

 

 

My legs took me music room and I sat down in front of the piano, not daring to go back out. I sat still, embarrassed that I had just run out and caused an entire scene. All because of what? Because I was jealous? Jealous of what? Of something that hadn’t even happened? At the possibility that it could’ve? Or was it because I was scared? Scared of what? Because of what?
 

One hand hovered over the keys, and I slowly felt myself relax. I pressed down on one key, letting the sound echo. I lifted my other hand and let myself sink into the music that flowed out. Tiffany had been such a distraction that I hadn’t realized how much I had been ignoring my music—how much I had been ignoring myself. When had been the last time I played the piano? The last time I touched my guitar? The last time I was even in the music room? The last time I had focused on anything other than Tiffany?

 

The tune that came out was too familiar, a song that Tiffany liked to blast in our room lately.

 

‘Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

 

The door opening and a hesitant pair of heels clicking their way towards me stopped me.

 

“Taeyeon.”
 

I didn’t respond and kept my eyes on the keys in front of me, my heart beating faster when she sat down next to me. I loathed myself for not stopping her from scooting close to me, even more when I realized I didn’t want to.

 

“Why’d you stop?” she whispered.

 

I shrugged and my hands fell to my sides.

 

She grabbed one of them and rubbed the back of my hand with her thumb. The last of my anger faded away and what replaced it was an extreme exhaustion, like the weights on my back had finally broken me.

 

The silence broke me even further.

 

“Fany-ah,” my voice cracked. I needed to say something. I needed sound, noise, music.

 

“What’s wrong?” She ran her fingers through my hair, and I leaned into her.

 

“I—I don’t know.”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“I don’t know what to talk about.”

 

“Anything, Taeyeon-ah. What’s been on your mind?” She pulled away to look at me, and that’s when I knew she knew. It even felt like she knew me better than I did.

 

“You. You’ve been on my mind.” She smiled and waited for me to continue. “I want—I want to be with you.” I waited for a response, but there was more, she knew there was more. “And I want to…to not be afraid anymore. I thought I was okay with it, you know? You liking girls, I mean. I could’ve sworn I was okay with it. It doesn’t matter to me what kind of label you put on yourself and who you like. I just want you to stay with me. You’re still you.”

 

She still had that smile on her face that urged me to keep on talking.

 

“But when it comes to me,” my voice cracked, “it’s just different for some reason and I can’t understand why.” I stood up and started pacing. “I just, I think about telling my old friends, my brother and sister, and my parents, oh God, my parents.”

 

Tiffany stood up and put both hands on my shoulders. “Taeyeon-ah.”

 

“My whole life, I just wanted to be normal.”

 

“Taeyeon-ah,” she repeated, “what do you mean by that? What about you do you think isn't normal?”

 

“I…It was just…I don’t know.” I moved away from her and slumped back down on the piano bench. “I don’t know anything.” I hunched over the piano, burying my face in my hands.

 

“It’s different for everyone, you know? I have a friend back in Seoul who lived there her whole life, and she accepted herself real easily.” She moved to sit next to me again. “And I have another friend from San Francisco who took it real hard.”

 

I looked up from my hands, staring at the random sheets of music in front of me. “How did you take it?”

 

There was a long pause before she answered. “I was actually really okay with it. I was lucky; I had an amazing group of friends, and my family…they were really amazing too.”

 

I turned and smiled at her. “That’s great, Fany-ah.”

 

Another round of silence.

 

“You know Henry likes you, right?”

 

“What?”

 

“Why do you think he was so happy to see you there today?”

 

“Oh.”

 

And then another one.

 

“Feeling any better?”

 

I shrugged. “I guess. Just a little bit though…” I sighed and sat up straight. “I just…I feel so helpless, you know? Like I’m not capable of anything…like I’m drowning and I’m just waiting for some knight in shining armor to come by and save me.”

 

“Listen,” she sighed, grabbing one of my hands again, “I wish I could say that I’m enough for you, that I’m all you need, that I could be the one that saves you, but I’m not. The only person that can do that is you.”

 

“How exactly do I do that?”

 

“I don’t know,” she smiled at me again, “But…it’s okay to let people help you along the way. You’re not alone.”

 

I returned and smile and squeezed her hand. “I come with a lot of baggage, you know.”

 

Her smiled turned into the one that made my stomach do flips. “So do I.”

 

“I was wrong earlier when I said I didn’t know anything. I know one thing, for sure.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“You make me happier than I’ve ever been.”

 

Her eyes glazed over and the butterflies in my stomach refused to stop fluttering.

 

“So, um,” I rubbed the back of my neck nervously, “Do you, uh…would you…”

 

She laughed and grabbed both of my hands. “Kim Taeyeon, would you like to be my girlfriend?”

 

I grinned and pulled her in for a kiss.

 

“Yes.”

 

Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends
It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense
Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

 

 

“So how’s life in California? Run into Brad Pitt yet?”

 

I rolled my eyes. “Yes, because we just so happen to run in the same circles.”

 

“Your sarcasm is not appreciated, Taeyeon-ah.”

 

“Ignore her; I don’t think she’s had lunch yet. But seriously, what have you been up to? You must have been doing something crazy. I mean, you’re blonde now! How the heck did that happen? Not that you don’t look good with it or anything.”

 

“A friend convinced me to do it.”

 

“Must be one hell of a friend. And also, your parents have been asking us about you. You haven’t responded to any of us for the past two months.”

 

My parents asked about me?

 

“Just been really busy with school,” I shrugged. “What about you two? How’s life back in Seoul?”

 

“The same, really. We both finished up our last exams today. Don’t you still have exams?”

 

“My last one is tomorrow,” I admitted sheepishly.

 

“Is this why you’re finally talking to us? Because you want to procrastinate?”

 

“Come on, you know it’s not like that,” I sighed and adjusted my laptop screen as I shifted in my seat uncomfortably. “The past two months have just been a little hectic, that’s all.”

 

“Well, whatever’s happened to you the past two months, it must have been something really good.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You look happier.”

 

I tried to hide my grin. “Really?”

 

“She’s right, you do. A lot, actually.”

 

“Honestly? I feel a lot happier,” I smiled.

 

The two of them grinned at me. “I think I speak for the both of us when I say that we’re really happy to see you’re doing so well.”

 

“Yeah, you’ve been really out of it the last two years or so, you know? Glad to see you’re doing better.”

 

“Out of it?”

 

“Yeah!” the shorter of the two shouted so loudly that I winced, “You have no idea how much we were worried about you.”

 

“It was scary, seeing you every day like you were. And it because we didn’t know what we could do.”

 

The guilt started to set in. These two were my closest friends and how long had it been since I closed myself off from them? And they still stuck by me, still reached out to me.

 

Tiffany said she was lucky. I was starting to think that maybe I was too.

 

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out, part of me wishing that I could reach out to them. I wanted to hug them, I needed that physical reassurance that they were indeed still there for me. Communicating with them via webcam, looking at them through my laptop screen, it just wasn’t enough. I was suddenly very happy that I would be going back to Seoul soon. I needed to make up for lost time with them—with everyone.

 

“What are you apologizing for?”

 

“I’m just… I—I mean, it wasn’t because of you that I wasn’t happy, you know? And…I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel like it was, or like I wasn’t thankful for your company…I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel like your company wasn’t enough. And, you know, just…I don’t know if I’ve ever said this, but thank you for staying with me.”

 

They were really quiet for a brief moment. “You were going through a lot, weren’t you? We knew that you were, and we would never hold that against you.”

 

“We know you have work out things on your own before you ever decide to open up to us, and we’re both going to be right here when you do.”

 

I grinned, feeling overwhelmed. “You guys are the best.”

 

“So, if you don’t mind me asking, is there anything specific that’s been making you so happy?”

 

“Anyone, I think is what she means.”

 

I tensed and laughed nervously.

 

Surprised gasps from both ends. “There is!”

 

I was always a bad liar.

 

“Who’s the guy that’s stolen our little Taengoo’s heart?”

 

I flinched and nervously laughed again. “Little? We’re practically the same height!”

 

“Don’t change the subject.”

 

A barrage of questions came my way.

 

“Who is he?”

 

“Where’d you meet him?”

 

“How long has this been going on?”

 

“Are you going to bring him back home?”

 

“Is he older than you?”

 

I was suddenly very glad that Tiffany was at the library.

 

“We’re the same age,” I started out carefully, “We’re both heading back to Seoul together, but only because she’s from there too.” I observed them carefully. They didn’t seem to notice. “This has been going on, almost a month now. Officially, at least. And I met…I met her at the beginning of the school year…” I could see the gears start to move in their heads. “She’s…she’s my roommate.”

 

They were quiet for a few minutes. I don’t think I had ever seen them so speechless. I could feel myself start to break out into a sweat.

 

“She’s the girl in most of your pictures, isn’t she?”

 

Her voice was quiet.

 

“She’s really pretty.”

 

I smiled. “She’s gorgeous.” They grew quiet again. “When I come back…I’d like for you guys to meet her.”

 

A short pause before an answer. “I’d like that.”

 

“Me too.”

 

They smiled at me, and I felt the relief start to set in.

 

“Taeyeon-ah.”

 

“Yeah?” My voice cracked.

 

“We’re really happy for you.”

 

I was really lucky.

 

 

We were leaving tomorrow, and I hadn’t told my parents yet. I only told Jiwoong, so I assumed they already knew.

 

“Fany-ah, are you still awake?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

She was lying. “Go back to sleep.”

 

I felt her shake her head against my chest. “No, talk to me,” she mumbled, tightening her hold on me. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I remember this small little thing that happened back in middle school.”

 

She lifted her head to look at me. “What was it?”

 

“My mom was lecturing me about something—I don’t really remember what.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“And she got really angry, and she shouted, ‘why can’t you be normal!’”

 

“Taeyeon…”

 

“She kept saying that to me, you know? She would scream it at me. Why can’t you be normal. Why are you so strange. Things like that.”

 

She kissed my cheek and guided my head to lie in the crook of her neck.

 

“I just wanted to be normal, Fany-ah.”

 

“I know, Taeyeon, I know.”

 

 

We were both look for our respective families in the large crowd. Would they all be there? Or would it just be Jiwoong?

 

“Nervous?” she asked. I squeezed her hand.

 

“Yeah,” I mumbled. I wasn’t sure what to expect.

 

Suddenly she let go of my hand and rushed off in another direction.

 

“Daddy!”

 

I turned my head towards them and my mouth dropped when they broke apart from the hug.

 

She pulled him towards me.

 

Both of our eyes widened.

 

“Mr. Hwang?”

 

I wasn’t sure which one of the three of us was more surprised.