Unrequited

 

Unrequited love.

 

It always gave off a melancholy feel. It was always associated with pity, sadness, with the most depressing feelings, the worst situations.

 

To be honest, it wasn't all that bad.

 

Sure, she'd never return my feelings, but it was okay. No one believed me when I told them I was fine. It was understandable, I guess. One-sided love was anything but a happy thing, especially when the person you were in love with was your best friend. But it really was okay. Whatever pain that came disappeared as soon as she was there next to me. I didn't care as long as she was there, as long as she was with me, whether it was in a romantic sense or not. Wasn't that what love is supposed to be anyway? To wish for the best of the other person even if you're not a part of it?

 

I was pretty sure she knew—there was no way she couldn't know. It didn't really matter to me. I was never very good at hiding my feelings anyway. It was an unspoken agreement between the both of us that we were never to mention it. It was considered taboo, with everyone actually, but with her especially.

 

I can't say it didn't hurt whenever she would go out with other people. But it made her happy. It made her smile. Those other people, they made her feel things I would never be able to make her feel. As long as they made her happy, as long as they made her smile, I would tolerate them. For her.

 

Always, for her.

 

I was perfectly content with just having her in my life. I knew I would always be hers, and only hers. She would always hold my heart prisoner, whether she wanted to or not. But, I knew she would never be mine, at least not in the way I wanted. I knew her heart was still free to give away to whoever she wanted. And I knew that it wouldn't be me. And despite how sad it sounds, it was okay. I was okay.

 

As long as she would continue smiling, I would be okay.

 

It was such a silly thing, I knew that. It was stupid, irresponsible, and just completely ridiculous how dedicated I was to someone that I couldn't even call mine. I was normally so level headed, so logical, but when it came to her, nothing was logical anymore. She turned me into a fool, and I couldn't care less. She had me wrapped me around her finger, under her complete control, and I was completely fine with it.

 

Stephanie Hwang Miyoung, what have you done to me?

 

 

“TaeTae!”

 

“Hm?”

 

I felt someone shaking me uncontrollably. I groaned. It was too early.

 

“TaeTae! Wake up!”

 

I cracked open an eye to see that eye-smile I loved. Eye-smile or not, it was still way too early to be up. “Fany-ah,” I started, my voice still raspy, “it’s too early.”

 

“But –”

 

I shut my eyes again and pulled her into bed with me. “Too. Early. Go back to sleep,” I said pulling the covers over her. I heard her giggle and felt her wrap her arms around me. I smiled and reveled in her embrace. I kept pressuring her to go to sleep, but I knew I wasn’t about to fall asleep anytime soon, not like this.

 

“Five minutes TaeTae, that’s all you get,” she murmured as she cuddled up against me. She buried her face in the crook of my neck and I heard her yawn. I grinned.

 

“An hour.”

 

“Tae!”

 

“What? It’s only seven in the morning. And it’s Saturday. You’re tired too, I can tell, so just go to sleep.”

 

“…30 minutes.”

 

“Two hours.”

 

She hit me lightly on my shoulder and I just laughed. “What’s so urgent that you need me this early in the morning anyway?”

 

“I always need you…”

 

I knew it was a joke, but I couldn’t help but feel elated at those words. I could feel her start to fall asleep in my arms. I stared down at the face covered with black hair that was snuggled comfortably into my neck. We fit so well together, and I wondered how anyone could ever think that this wasn’t right; that we weren’t right. We weren’t real – as in really together – but we were right for each other in some way. We were right for each other in the sense that one wouldn’t feel right without the other, I was sure of that.

 

Wasn’t this what couples were like, I wondered.

 

People questioned our relationship. Even I had to admit, it was a little odd. We were right on the borderline of best friends and a couple. It wasn’t a simple ‘friends with benefits’ thing. No, it couldn’t be classified as that, I would never let someone call it that. We never did anything intimate with each other, ever. But we still had this bond; a bond that was stronger than most couples had with each other. Not even the two of us fully understood it, but it was there, we both knew it was.

 

It was complicated, to say the least.

 

Here was this beautiful, perfect – in my eyes at least – girl, lying in my arms, perfectly content with her position, and I couldn’t call her mine.

 

And I was okay with that.

 

Because at least she was there, in my arms.

 

I chuckled at the sight of the sleeping girl. It was hard to believe that she was so energetic just a few minutes ago. I looked at my closed blinds to see the sunlight starting to peek through them and my gaze shifted back to her, like they always did.

 

It was certainly turning out to be a better morning than expected.

 

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the extra warmth on my bed, letting myself drift back into a comfortable slumber.

 

 

“Fany-ah, come on.”

 

“…”

 

“I didn’t even do anything wrong!”

 

“You let us sleep in for another 4 hours!”

 

“I wasn’t aware I was in charge of waking us up…”

 

“Well you should’ve been.”

 

Tiffany plopped down onto the couch with a pout and turned her head away from me. It would’ve been more effective if she wasn’t so darn adorable. But she was, so her efforts were fruitless. I sighed and plopped down next to her so that she was facing me directly.

 

“I’m sorry, okay? I was tired…it’s been a long week…exams and everything,” I said with an apologetic smile. Yesterday had been the last of my exams and I was finally on my break. The first thing I wanted to do was sleep in, and if I had to fight through a gorgeous, eye-smiling, girl to do so, then so be it.

 

Of course, gorgeous, eye-smiling girls would get their way eventually, at least with me they would.

 

“I know…sorry for waking you up so early,” she mumbled. I grinned. She always hated admitting she was wrong. It was like I won the lottery whenever she did.

 

“So what were you so excited about this morning?” I asked as I started getting ready to make the two of us breakfast – or lunch, I guess.

 

“Well…” her voice was hesitant, “I want you to meet someone.”

 

I paused before cracking another egg. “Okay then, sure,” I laughed, “where’s the excitement in that? Is it the president or something?”

 

Her loud nervous laughter resonated through the small apartment and over the sound of the crackling of the eggs. “It’s…someone I care about a lot.”

 

I glanced back at her quickly before focusing my attention on making a proper omelet again. She always liked having an American breakfast. “More than me?” I joked.

 

She laughed again. It was different this time though. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. “Of course not. He’s just…important to me.”

 

It was one of those rare times I saw Tiffany struggle with words. She was usually so good with them, even though Korean wasn’t her first language. It was one of the things I admired about her. She always found a way to make her words flow eloquently. I could only imagine how much better her words flowed when she spoke in her native tongue. To see her stumble over words was always surprising. I placed the finished omelet on a plate and handed it to her before simply pouring a bowl of cereal for myself. I was too lazy to put in the effort to make myself a better lunch. It was funny how I always seemed to have extra energy when it came to doing chores for her, and when it came to doing things for myself, all that energy immediately disappeared.

 

“Well, when then? I have a pretty busy schedule ahead of me this week, what with you know, my booming popularity and all.”

 

She let out a laugh now, a normal one, one I was used to. We both knew that I liked to hole myself up in my apartment after a long week. “Actually, I was thinking today maybe?” She looked at me, a hopeful look in her eyes.

 

“Today?”

 

“Yeah, dinner maybe? It was supposed to be for lunch but...”

 

I sighed. The list things I would do for this girl was endless. “Alright, I'll go. Just let me know when and where, alright?”

 

Her smile didn't reach her eyes. “Alright,” she said softly. I raised an eyebrow and stopped eating when I realized she was nervously fidgeting in her seat.

 

“Is there something wrong?”

 

“No, nothing's wrong...” she trailed off.

 

“But?”

 

“But nothing, Tae,” she laughed half-heartedly. “I'm just...nervous about you meeting him.”

 

I stared at her for quite a while before her words started to sink in. “I see...”

 

We both knew what was coming. I wondered what she was thinking right then and there—why she felt so nervous? Was it because she knew I loved her? Was it because she felt guilty for breaking my heart?

 

“It's okay, Tiffany,” I smiled.

 

She looked up hesitantly from the untouched brunch in front of her. She looked so scared of me and I didn't like that—this wasn't how I wanted it to be.

 

“There's nothing to be worried about, trust me.”

 

She nodded but remained silent. I wasn't sure what else I could do to ease her nervousness, to make sure she knew that I was okay with what was about to come. I knew this day was going to come one day, and I was prepared for it as much as one could prepare oneself for something like this.

 

We were quiet for the rest of the meal before Tiffany said she had to go back to her apartment to take care of a few things. I didn't question her.

 

“So I'll pick you up later then?” I questioned just as she reached the door. From the way her body tensed, I already knew what was coming.

 

“Um, how about we just meet there.”

 

She didn't turn around to look at me.

 

“Okay, whatever you say Fany-ah,” I said quietly. “I'll see you later then.”

 

“Yeah...see you later.”

 

I didn't like this, I didn't like the awkward atmosphere between us whenever things like this came up. I selfishly wanted us to stay the way we had always been. When she left, I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding and turned around to the now empty apartment.

 

It wasn't always like this. It used to be bustling with a total of nine girls at one point, and at the time I always said that it was really frustrating having to keep all of them in check, but now I realize that those were the best days spent here. Too many was better than too little, because too little brought back the loneliness that I hadn't even realized was there until it was gone—until all the girls had moved on.

 

Why hadn't I? Why was I still here?

 

Why did it feel like I had been left behind?

 

Regardless of however things had turned out for me, I was happy for them. It was the least I could do after all we went through together.

 

But, I couldn't help but wonder, when was it time for me to be happy for myself?

 

 

He was handsome, I’d give him that.

 

Tiffany smiled at me. An awkward smile. “Taeyeon, this is Taecyeon. Taec, this is Taeyeon.” Tiffany awkwardly introduced us. The two of us stiffly bowed to each other before we both turned to look at Tiffany. I was a little confused. I mean, I knew Tiffany had been involved in relationships, but she had never bothered to introduce me to any of the guys she was involved with. To Jessica and Yuri maybe, but to me? Not once. Everyone knew why.

 

How serious must she have been with this guy for her to actually introduce him to me?

 

She wanted my approval, in a sense. I think. I wasn't really completely sure, but the way her eyes bored into mine expectedly told me all I needed to know.

 

The feeling of dread increased as the meeting went on. It was a mere hour that the dinner lasted, but it felt like more than that to me. When we left, she left with him and I went back home by myself.

 

Was that how it was always going to be from now on?

 

I was surprised when I heard a knock on my door when I got home. I glanced at the time on my phone. It had only been thirty minutes since I've been back, but there was only one person who knocked in that same rhythmic pattern every time.

 

As soon as the door closed, the room went silent. Tiffany and I avoided looking at each other. I couldn’t remember the last time it had been this awkward between us.

 

Tiffany broke the silence. “You know…your meeting with him was the one I was the most worried about.”

 

I broke off my staring contest with the floor and forced myself to look into her eyes. I hated myself for thinking how captivating they were. “Really? More than your dad? Your brother? Your sister?”

 

“More than them…more than anyone Tae…”

 

“I see.” I didn’t know what else to say to that. The topic of this conversation was bordering a topic we both had never talked about before, and I hoped we never would. I knew where she stood with this, with me. I didn’t need to hear it from her—I already knew.

 

“So…what did you think of him?”

 

I chose my words carefully. “He seems nice.” The tone of my voice even scared me. I didn’t sound mad, I sounded more…empty.

 

It was a fitting sound for what I felt, I supposed.

 

How is someone supposed to react in a situation like this? Like the movies and books where the girl with the broken heart would burst out into tears and run out of the room only to end up with each other in the end by some twist of fate?

 

Except, this wasn't a movie, and I knew that.

 

“Well, do you – is he…”

 

She didn’t know what to say next. I took a deep breath and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. Even I was surprised with how gentle my touch seemed to be, as if I was afraid I would break her if I held on too hard. I smiled at her, the best smile I could muster. She knew it wasn’t a real smile. I could tell she knew, but I still tried my best. “Fany-ah…”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Does he make you happy?”

 

She didn’t have to answer for me to know. Sometimes, you just knew when people were happy, whether they were smiling or not. They just exuded this aura from them, and you knew. They had this energy about them, they had this special look in their eyes. I had seen it in so many people before. Have I ever looked like this to anyone? So happy?

 

She shot me a shy smile and nodded. “Yes, he does.”

 

I felt my heart crumble. I knew this was coming one day, but this was something that nothing could soften the blow of.

 

But, the look in her eyes, the feeling she gave off, even if she looked guilty, I could feel it. I could feel how happy she was with this boy.

 

I gave her a smile, a real one. I didn’t have to fake it this time.

 

Because she was happy.

 

Even when she wasn’t in my arms.

 

She was happy.

 

That was all that mattered.

 

Is this really what love is?

 

The next words that came out of my mouth were so soft. It was the softest I had ever heard myself. It didn’t even sound like me.

 

“Then, I don't see what the problem is.”

 

 

“I-I’m moving to California…”

 

“Y-you’re what?”

 

No one said a word for the next few minutes. I don't think either of us wanted to.

 

“I’m moving to California,” she said again with a little more confidence. She looked at me hesitantly, trying to gauge my reaction. Did she know? Could she tell?

 

Because maybe she could tell me.

 

“…”

 

“Tae?”

 

“When?”

 

“Two weeks from today.”

 

I had already known. Hyoyeon had accidentally let it slip the other day when we were having dinner. The day after Tiffany had introduced me to Taecyeon, all of the other girls collectively decided to take me out to dinner. I hadn't even known they were all in town. I felt so out of the loop, so distant from everyone. Had everyone known that Tiffany was planning to tell me? Was that why they had spontaneously invited me out? Out of pity?

 

I couldn't help but feel a little livid at the thought.

 

I learned that Tiffany was leaving with Taecyeon and that she hid her relationship from me for a year. A whole year. It made sense now. She moved in with him. She had already left me a long time ago for him.

 

And really, that was what got to me the most—the lying.

 

Maybe it wasn't on purpose, maybe it was done with the best intentions, but I had already accepted a long time ago that Tiffany and I could never be more than what we were—more than friends but not a couple. So, the fact that she was in a serious relationship? I could deal with that.

 

What I couldn't deal with was with the fact that there were so many secrets deliberately kept from me. For my sake? I suppose that's what they thought they were accomplishing, that they were sparing me the unnecessary heartache. What they didn't understand—what they still don't understand—was that the heartache was there regardless. I could say with complete honesty that I was fine with being just her friend—or whatever the hell we were. At first, back when my feelings for her started to develop, it'd be a lie to say that there wasn't any resentment, that there wasn't any anger there at all that she could be so close to me but so far.

 

But, I was quick to rearrange my priorities, and my priority was and has always been her friendship. This bond that we have, how could I ruin that? How could I give that up just because I had feelings for her? We were friends beforehand, and that's what I still strive for us to be. It was never more than that. Because I couldn't give that up, because her presence was more important.

 

Because people are more than just your feelings for them.

 

 

I wish I knew what to say to make her stay.

 

It was the oddest feeling in the world. All she had done the past couple weeks was hurt me, and all I could do was miss her. I wanted, with every fiber of my being, to hate her. It was such a selfish and immature thing to want, I know, but frankly, I didn't really care. Besides, I couldn't hate her no matter how much I tried, and believe me, I tried. I tried so hard that it scared me at some point. My heart defied every reason I tried to give it; it refused to let her go. She etched her place so deeply in my heart that I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to get rid of her. I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

 

I wish I knew the words to make her stay.

 

I wish I knew the words to make her want me the same way I want her.

 

But I don't.

 

“Tiffany,” I called out to her, the irrational side of me beginning to take over. We had been so awkward, and that was the last thing I wanted for us. To stay as we were...was that even possible at this point?

 

“What's up?” she responded halfheartedly as she continued to pack up the remnants of what she had left at my apartment—which was surprisingly a lot. Maybe it was good that so many reminders of her were all going away.

 

I wanted to make us okay again, at least. I wanted to let her know that I didn't care she was in a relationship with someone else because all that really mattered was just her.

 

The only way get rid of the tension was to let it all out, right?

 

I only had a week left, and I was determined to get rid of the tense atmosphere before she left. I wanted to make sure she had something good to come back to.

 

“Why did you keep this a secret for so long?”

 

Tiffany stopped all movement and I could see her tense up. It was kind of strange to watch her squirm; she had always been the more composed one.

 

“What do you mean?” she finally responded, straightening up and turning to face me.

 

“You and Taecyeon. You've been with him for over a year now. Why didn't you ever mention anything? Did it just slip your mind or something like that? What did you think hiding, what I assume to be a big part of your life, this from me?”

 

The words came more far more bitter than I had wanted them to, but the thought of us losing what we had, the thought of losing her in whatever form I had her was starting to get to me. She needed to know how I felt—how I really felt.

 

“Taeyeon...” she took a deep breath, “you know exactly why.”

 

“Are we always going to beat around the bush like this? Ignore the elephant in the room?” My voice started to rise slightly and I could tell Tiffany was trying to keep her calm composure, but I'm sure all the pent up feelings and thoughts she had about me—about us—was getting too much for her too.

 

“Why the sudden need to talk about this now, Taeyeon? We've been fine all this time without having to talk about this, so why now?” She was starting to get frustrated, I could tell.

 

“You know exactly why,” I spat her own words back at her. “Because you're leaving and I don't want to leave us like this. Many we were fine before this, but right now we aren't and I don't want you to get the wrong idea.”

 

She closed her eyes and took another deep breath—something I noticed she always did when she was trying to keep herself from getting into another fight with any of the girls, including me.

 

“I didn't tell you Tae...” she started, her voice a little shaky, “because I was scared.”

 

“Scared of what?” My voice remained stern.

 

“Scared of hurting you. I don't want to see you so sad...especially if I'm the cause of it.” Her eyes were still closed.

 

“Tiffany...” my voice was starting to lose its power, “why...why would you think something like this would hurt me?”

 

She opened her eyes in shock and I could tell that I had hit the last nerve.

 

“Why?” she stared at me incredulously, “you want to know why? God damn it Taeyeon, do you really want me to say the words? Do you really want to hear this?”

 

“I'd rather hear the truth and find out you've been lying to me for all these years!” I finally shouted. The frustration was getting to me too, apparently.

 

“For your benefit! God Taeyeon, I didn't know how you'd react if I...if I...”

 

“If you what?” I didn't give her a chance to answer me. “You can't protect me from how I feel, Fany-ah...you can't stop me from feeling. Trust me, I've tried that and it doesn't work. Sometimes you just have to let it run its course.”

 

Tiffany was still breathing rather loudly, tears threatening to come out. “And exactly how long is this course going to run, Taeyeon?”

 

“ Tiffany, if I knew then we wouldn't be having this argument, would we?”

 

“This isn't an argument!”Tiffany shouted and I couldn't help but let out a bitter laugh.

 

“Then what is this? What are we doing right now?” When Tiffany couldn't answer, I kept going. “You know how I feel, you just want to spare yourself from feeling guilty by not listening to how I actually feel. Well, you know what?”

 

“Taeyeon, no, please stop,” Tiffany begged. I hadn't realized that there were tears in my eyes until that point. I briefly wondered how long they'd been there.

 

“Just because you don't want to pay attention to it doesn't mean it's not there. Yes, it hurts. Love hurts. I love you. I ing love you, alright?” It was getting harder to breath and I wasn't sure if she could make out the words anymore when my voice started to crack. “It's dumb and stupid and irrational for me to have not gotten over you after all this time, for me to have loved you the way I do for so long. God, I ing love you, you know that?”

 

“Tae...” she was trying to hold in her tears and if I had blinked I would've missed the way her hand started to reach for mine before it pulled away.

 

“But you want to know what hurts the most, Tiffany?”

 

“Wha-what?” she asked hesitantly.

 

I took a few long breaths in an attempt to calm down and get my heart to stop beating to fast.

 

“That this has gotten in the way of our friendship. I never wanted this, this moment right here, to happen—ever. I don't want us to drift apart, Fany-ah.”

 

She stood frozen in her spot.

 

“Then, we won't,” she finally answered. “We...we'll still be friends, Taeyeon-ah. What would make you think otherwise?”

 

I frowned and moved to sit on the couch, motioning for her to take the seat next to me. She listened obediently but still kept her distance.

 

“Look at us right now, Tiffany,” I laughed. “You...you're letting your guilt take over and you don't want to hurt me any more than you already have...but what you're doing—ignoring me and acting awkward and carefully picking out every single word you say—is a million times more painful.”

 

She finally reached out and grabbed my hand. “I'm sorry...I just...never...knew, I guess.” I hummed in response and we stayed like that for what felt like hours.

 

“And you know,” she whispered, “I love you too. You're still an important person to me—you always will be.”

 

I smiled and nodded. “I know you love me...just not in the same way I do.”

 

“I'm sor—”

 

“Don't apologize,” I interrupted, “we can't help the way we feel, can we?”

 

“No...I guess not.” She still didn't look convinced that I was okay—and maybe on some level, I really wasn't.

 

“Do what makes you happy.”

 

Tiffany raised an eyebrow in confusion.

 

“That's all I want to see. I want to see my friends be happy and be successful whether I'm part of the reason why or not,” I smiled, a few tears still making their way down my face. “Because—my friends—I love them, you know. I really...”

 

I stopped when Tiffany lunged forward to give me a bone-crushing hug.

 

“...ing love them.”

 

“I love them too, Taeyeon.”