Saying I Love You

I had never been any good at expressing myself. I couldn’t even remember the last time I said those three special words to anyone. I needed to have my own bubble of privacy and a certain level of space between friends. I never liked getting touchy with anyone, and I kept to myself a lot. I never understood why people liked being so close to each other. It was repulsive, in my opinion. I just didn’t like people touching me or breathing in my personal space. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a social outcast or anything. I had friends, and they understood that I liked my space more so than the average person. So, I guess it was hard to believe that I had a girlfriend.

 

It was almost laughable.

 

Me. Kim Taeyeon. Together. With a girlfriend. A friend that was a girl. Except not a friend. So just a girl then? No, not just a girl. She was so much more than that. So, what was she then? For a second I wondered why they called it a “girlfriend” when it was so much more than just being a friend. Well, technically, I argued with myself, she filled the criteria of both a friend and a girl. What should I call her then? Significant other? She was both significant and an other. It fit, I supposed, but it didn’t seem right. She was someone who fit both of those definitions and so much more. It didn’t really matter, I guess. She was mine; that was all that mattered.

 

Stephanie “Tiffany” Hwang Miyoung.

 

She was so good to me, so patient. I loved that about her. I loved a lot of things about her actually. It was so easy to say that I loved certain traits about her or certain quirks she had. It was so much easier than saying…well, that.

 

I laughed at myself. I couldn't even say it to myself. I garnered a few stares from people around me. They probably thought I was crazy, especially since I've been told I have a unique and distinctive laughter - and not in the good way either. Well, they were right, I was crazy. There wasn't any other way I could describe myself. I was so crazy about her, so infatuated with her. It was maddening what she made me feel. Every bit of sanity I had left in me – which I'll admit, wasn't that much in the first place – had slowly disintegrated this whole year I had been with her. She drove me to insanity. I was stuck in a mental asylum and she was my addiction, my drug that I had to keep taking to keep me sane.

 

Eight letters. Three words. One phrase.

 

I couldn't say it. The words continued to get stuck in the back of my throat like a persistent piece of gum that you start to choke on and just can't seem to spit back out, so you just end up swallowing it instead. It wasn't that I didn't feel that way about her. I was 100% sure that I did. I just - I just couldn't say those words. I was so jealous of people who could say it so easily as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I wanted to badly to tell her what she meant to me, to tell her what she made me feel. How was I supposed to do that when I couldn’t even say it to myself? She always told me that it was fine, that she knew that I wasn’t an expressive person and that actions spoke louder than words – and trust me, I did every action my non-expressive nature would allow me to show her my feelings. But I wanted to tell her, to actually say those words, to have three certain syllables come out of my mouth.

 

I agree; actions do speak louder than words.

 

But sometimes it was nice to actually hear the words too.

 

I wanted her to feel how I felt every time she said those words to me. I didn’t understand how she was okay with me not saying it back to her, but she was. It was beyond my understanding how someone like her could possibly love someone like me. She was so affectionate, and I was, well, me. But she did love me, and I was so thankful that she looked past my insecurities and faults to do so. Now, I wasn’t one of those people who thought they were undeserving of other’s love or anything. It wasn’t like Tiffany was perfect either and I fully knew that. I just honestly couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t even understand how someone like me could feel this way towards someone like her. I just knew that it was that four lettered word that was the cause of all this.

 

I looked it up in the dictionary once, love.

 

love [luhv] verb

 

1. feel tender affection for somebody

transitive and intransitive verb

to feel tender affection for somebody such as a close relative or friend, or for something such as a place, an ideal, or an animal.

 

Tiffany, I feel tender affection for you.

 

Somehow that just didn’t seem right.

 

2. feel desire for somebody

transitive and intransitive verb

to feel romantic and ual desire and longing for somebody

 

Tiffany, I feel romantic and ual desire and longing for you.

 

I was ninety percent sure she’d get the wrong idea with that.

 

3. like something very much

transitive verb

to like something, or like doing, something very much

• I love watching old movies on TV.

 

Tiffany, I like doing you very much.

 

That was just plain wrong.

 

4. show kindness to somebody

transitive verb

to feel and show kindness and charity to somebody

• love your enemies

 

Tiffany, I feel and show kindness and charity to you.

 

It was too…platonic.

 

5. have with somebody

transitive verb

to have ual with somebody

 

I didn’t even have to test that definition out to know that it wasn’t what I was looking for.

 

There was no way getting around saying that four lettered word to her. I used to wonder how people knew when they were in love, and everyone would always give me these generic definitions. When I told them I still didn’t understand, they just laughed at me and said that it’d make sense to me when it happened. And they were right, I understood now. It wasn’t something you could put words to, and if you tried, it’d only butcher the feeling. It was something you had to experience for yourself, and when you did, you just knew. It was like when you were hungry, you just knew. I sighed and leaned back into my seat.

 

Tiffany and I had been friends for a couple years before we got together, so my attitude towards physical interactions weren’t really new to her. How someone who adored physically showering people with affection could be so patient with someone who hated it was still a mystery to me. I wasn’t sure how it happened exactly. She was just a friend as far as I knew, but things changed the longer I knew her. I couldn’t explain it. If I had to, the best I could come up with was that it was beyond words – which was really just a fancy way of avoiding the actual question. She became the only person I allowed into my personal bubble. Falling for someone else was such an amazing thing. I had never felt anything like it, and to my knowledge, she hadn’t either, but everything seemed to come so naturally to her. I sincerely hoped it would be her first and only time loving someone like the way she loved me. No one seemed to be surprised when they found out about the two of us. In fact, they all said they were expecting it. When I asked them why that was, they just shrugged and said that Tiffany and I just clicked.

 

Well, everyone except for Hyoyeon. Who, if I remember correctly, told me, “Are you kidding me? The between the two of you was suffocating me! Get the over with already!”

 

I didn’t really appreciate that very much, but it was kind of a breath of fresh air. Hyoyeon was good at that kind of stuff.

 

I put my laptop in my bag and stood up. I needed to talk to someone about this. There was no way I could get any work done in this state. I quickly walked out of the café and walked towards the closest place I could think of, Yuri’s apartment, and gulped down the rest of my coffee.

 

Which was a bad idea, considering the coffee was still piping hot.

 

“!” I shouted as I threw empty cup of coffee in the general direction of a trash can I thought I saw. I didn’t look to check if I had actually gotten it in. More stares came my way. I didn’t really care. My mouth and throat were burning, so all of my attention was focused on getting to Yuri’s place as soon as possible. My fast pace along with my labored breaths probably didn’t help me get rid of the weird looks and stares. I didn’t mind. I had put myself through more embarrassing situations than this.

 

I pounded on Yuri’s door. “Yuri! Open the damned door!” I shouted, still panting heavily. Someone who I was pretty sure was neither Yuri nor Jessica opened the door, but I didn’t get to have a proper look before I dashed towards the kitchen and threw my mouth under the sink faucet, letting the running water cool down my burning throat and my throbbing tongue.

 

“Don’t tell me you tried to fire again.”

 

“Hey! I was eight and I was a curious child!”

 

I turned around to face a smirking Hyoyeon leaning forward with her elbows propped up against the counter and her head leaning into one hand. She chuckled before shaking her head at me and turning around to go sit on the couch to watch T.V. Hyoyeon was weird like that. One second she couldn’t stop talking, and then she’ll just suddenly laugh and not say another word.

 

“What are you doing here anyway?” I asked sitting down next to her and watched the myriad of channels flash by as Hyoyeon tried to find something she wanted to watch.

 

“I have to teach a dance class near here. I’m on my lunch break so I thought I’d stop by,” she answered, still flipping through the channels. This girl could never settle on a show. “What about you?”

 

“I needed to talk to someone.”

 

“Well I’m someone. What’s up?” Hyoyeon turned off the TV and turned to me with a curious look. It was rare that I was the one to initiate a serious talk with someone. Even I felt a little weird. “Is this about Tiffany?”

 

I blinked. “How’d you know?”

 

“Because you’re always…not you whenever it comes to her.”

 

It was true. “Is that a good thing?”

 

She grinned at me. “Change isn’t always bad, Taeng. And in your case, it certainly isn’t.”

 

Hyoyeon was always very blunt. She never beat around the bush; she never gave me flowery explanations to hide the truth. So, to hear this from her was a little comforting. Tiffany was changing me for the better. I couldn’t help but smile at the thought.

 

“See! Look at you! Smiling for no reason!” she said laughing at me. “And look, you’re letting me touch you without stiffening up!” I looked at the arm she had placed around me. I hadn’t even noticed it was there, and I probably wouldn’t have if she hadn’t pointed it out. The weird thing was that I was okay with it. I was perfectly fine.

 

I know, it didn’t really look like that much of an accomplishment, but it was a very big step for me, and Hyoyeon knew that.

 

“So, did something happen between you and Fany?”

 

“What? No, of course not!”

 

“Then what’s the problem?”

 

I gulped. “Well…I have a dilemma…” She raised an eyebrow at me.

 

“…Oh my god Tae…” I stared at her blankly as her eyes grew big. “Did you get her pregnant?”

 

“…”

 

“Right, not possible, carry on.”

 

“I – Well, uh, I want – I want to tell her that I – um,” I started stuttering and I could feel my face start to heat up.

 

“You want to tell her that you…want to have with her?”

 

“Huh? No! N-not that I don’t or anything, b-but, t-that’s not the point!” I shouted, feeling my face turn even more red. The thought of being intimate with her had never even crossed my mind. Well, maybe not never, but I knew that was getting way too ahead of myself. Hyoyeon burst out into laughter.

 

“I was kidding! But oh my, looks like our little Taengoo is growing up!” Hyoyeon said before bursting out into another fit of laughter. It was ironic seeing as how I was the eldest out of our entire group, even if it was only by a couple of months.

 

“What’s going on?” Yuri asked as she walked out of her bedroom yawning. She had this goofy smile on her face. Hyoyeon and I shared a knowing look at each other. “Keep it down, Sica’s still sleeping.”

 

“Sorry,” Hyoyeon said, still grinning.

 

“How’d you two even get in here?”

 

“Hyo let me in.”

 

“I let myself in.”

 

We both answered her at the same time. Yuri glared at Hyoyeon, an ability she must have learned from Sica, for a second before plopping down next to me on the couch. “So, Taeyeon here was telling me about her life.”

 

“Oh! I want to hear too!” Yuri shouted excitedly.

 

“I don’t have a life!”

 

Hyoyeon winked at me. “Not yet, you don’t.”

 

I groaned and put my face into my hands as the two kids beside me started cracking up.

 

“Sorry Tae, it’s just so funny to see you like this,” Yuri said leaning back into the couch.

 

“So what’d you need to talk about anyway?” asked Hyoyeon trying to get the conversation back on track. “You wanted to tell her…?”

 

I took a deep breath. “I want to tell her something I’ve never been able to tell anyone before.” I kept my attention on the blank TV screen and examined their expressions from their reflections. They both looked like they understood immediately.

 

“You love her,” Yuri stated in such a soft voice that I had to strain my ears to hear her. She looked at me and smiled at me in a way a parent would smile at their child just after they graduated high school, a mix of being proud and sad that their little kid was all grown up. “You love her,” she said again in a more normal voice than she had before.

 

I slowly nodded. It was the first time I had admitted it. It was a silent confession, but it was a confession nonetheless.

 

“Well, I guess our little Taengoo has grown up…” Hyoyeon said chuckling a bit. They gave off the aura of proud parents.

 

I cleared my throat. My mouth felt dry for some reason. “So,” my voice cracked, “h-how do I tell her?”

 

“You just say it!” Hyoyeon shouted, seeming to be completely ecstatic that I felt this way about someone. It was a big step, with me being, well, me and all, so I guess I understood her excitement. “You know, be your normal, cheesy, romantic self and then bam! Out those three words go!”

 

“Normal, cheesy, romantic self?” I asked. This was the first time I’d heard anyone call me normal, cheesy, or romantic. T

 

Yuri laughed at my clueless expression. “Yeah. Tiffany always gushes about how romantic you are. She’s always telling us about all those things you do for her, and Sica’s always jealous and complains to me that I’m never romantic.” She eyed me suspiciously and I turned a little red. I was elated to find out that Tiffany thought I was romantic. At least I knew I was doing something right. “As for the rest of us, we just think you’re being overly cheesy.”

 

Hyoyeon nodded in agreement. “But Tiffany loves it, so just keep doing what you’re doing and you just might get that life you’ve been wanting so badly.”

 

“Yah!” I pushed her off the couch and she fell to the ground laughing. “Seriously! How am I supposed to do this!?” I yelled in frustration throwing my hands up and letting myself sink further into the couch. Yuri put a comforting arm around me. She grinned when I didn’t flinch away from her touch. We heard shuffling from the other room and I figured Jessica was finally awake.

 

“Look, watch me,” Yuri said, still grinning widely. “Sica!” She yelled. A couple seconds later Jessica drowsily walked out of the bathroom still brushing her teeth. I ignored the thought that entered my mind when I asked myself why these two would’ve been so tired to sleep in until lunch time.

 

“Wut ish eet?” she asked. Hyoyeon sat up from the floor and watched the scene unfold in front of her.

 

Yuri grinned at her and stared at the sight in front of us. I wasn’t sure why. Jessica’s hair was a mess, her clothes were disheveled, and she had toothpaste all over her lips. Not to mention she was still in the process of brushing her teeth. It wasn’t a very pretty sight. Sometimes I wish we weren’t so comfortable around each other.

 

“I love you,” Yuri said with the utmost sincerity as possible. It came out so naturally from her. I was so sure it’d sound awkward if I said it. Jessica raised an eyebrow at her girlfriend before simply turning around and walking back into the bathroom. The room went silent as we listened to her spit and turn on sink.

 

Jessica walked back out and stared at her. “What do you want?” she asked.

 

Yuri was still grinning. “Nothing.”

 

Jessica continued to stare at her with an incredulous expression. “What’d you do?” she asked, continuing her interrogation as she sat down in the other chair to my right and narrowed her eyes as if she were examining every move Yuri made.

 

“You, last night, remember?” Yuri said winking at the still glaring Jessica. If you looked closely, you could just barely see a tint of pink on her cheeks. Yuri’s grin grew bigger. “There’s nothing to be suspicious about Sica. I just felt like saying I love you.”

 

Jessica crossed her legs and leaned back into her seat, letting her arms rest on the armrests. She looked like a dictator staring her subordinates down. “Are you sure?”

 

“What? I can’t just say it for no reason?” Jessica got up from her seat and moved to stand directly in front of Yuri. Yuri moved her arm around me away and took both of Jessica’s hands in hers. “I love you, Sica. And the only reason I’m saying that is because I do. I don’t need a reason to say it to you.”

 

Jessica finally cracked a smile and Yuri pulled her into her lap. “I love you too,” Jessica muttered. It was only supposed to be for Yuri’s ears, I supposed, at the volume she had said it at, but Hyoyeon and I both heard it. Jessica leaned forward and kissed Yuri.

 

I could hear Hyoyeon gagging on the floor. I had to look away from the couple when their kiss quickly started to lose its innocence.

 

“Sheesh, you guys are insatiable! At least wait till we’re gone,” Hyoyeon said getting up off the floor and started walking out the door. Jessica pulled away to glare at her, and Hyoyeon only stuck out her tongue in response. “I have class soon, so I’ll see you guys later.” She didn’t wait for a goodbye before she walked out the door.

 

I turned back to them and was grateful that they had stopped making out. Jessica was still seated on Yuri’s lap, and it didn’t look like she was moving anytime soon. She shifted to a more comfortable position in her lap and leaned back against her when Yuri wrapped her arms around her waist and placed her chin on her shoulder. Stuff like this came so easily to them. I was a little jealous I guess. It took Tiffany and I two whole weeks before I was even comfortable holding her hand, and even longer for us to even kiss. Even then, it was her who initiated both of those acts.

 

“So, Yuri, how exactly was that supposed to help me?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

I groaned and buried my face in my hands. “This is hopeless!” I yelled, having my voice muffled by my hands.

 

“What were you helping her with?” Jessica asked.

 

“Taeyeon needed some advice on how to tell Tiffany she loves her.”

 

“And your demonstration wasn’t much help either…” I mumbled, my face still in my hands.

 

“Look Tae, Tiffany already knows you love her, so –”

 

“No, I know she knows, but I want her to hear it, you know? I want to tell her using my voice, not my actions. And before you start, yeah, I know, actions speak louder than words. But all my life I’ve struggled with this, and to meet someone that makes me actually want to overcome this stupid phobia I’ve had all life…” I didn’t know where I was going with this. They waited patiently for me to finish voicing my thoughts. It was similar to my situation, in a way. Tiffany had been patiently waiting for me to voice my thoughts too. “It’s just…I know it’ll mean a lot to her if she hears it…I don’t think you guys understand. This kind of stuff…it comes so naturally to you, but for me? I can’t…I can’t even say three simple words to her.”

 

I looked up at the two with my face warped into a hopeless expression. “Sometimes those three words are all a person needs to hear…”

 

They eyes softened. They knew what I was talking about.

 

“Listen Tae,” I turned to Jessica’s gentle voice that thankfully interrupted my thoughts. “Just…let your heart do the talking. It’ll come to you.”

 

I nodded, not really seeing how that was supposed to help me. “Thanks,” I mumbled before getting up and heading towards the door. “I should get going. See you guys later.” I didn’t wait for a response before walking out the door.

 

Let my heart do the talking?

 

It was better than nothing, I supposed.

 

I checked my phone and saw that I had a missed text from Tiffany. Ten years being friends, one year of being girlfriends, and she still made my heart flutter.

 

TaeTae~ I’m hungry~ T^T Come over here and bring some food over!

 

I grinned and typed in my reply before rushing out of the apartment complex.

 

On my way!

 

 

“What took you so long?! I was – what exactly did you buy?”

 

I tried to peek over the mountain of bags in my arms to get a glimpse of her face. “I thought I’d stay and cook you dinner too.”

 

“Aw, Tae,” she crooned. “You’re so sweet,” she said as she grabbed a couple bags from me and I could finally see her beautiful face.

 

Dressed up in shorts that barely made it mid-thigh and a tank top that seemed way too small for her, she looked as breathtaking as ever. But there was one thing I was a little curious about. “Aren’t you cold?” I asked as we set down the grocery bags on the counter. She looked at me and raised an eyebrow, a smirk forming on her lips, which I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off of. “Y-you should go put on a jacket or something.” My hands were trembling. Stupid Hyoyeon just had to put those inappropriate thoughts in my head.

 

She chuckled in that husky voice of hers. “Tae, it’s burning in here. Why are you even wearing a jacket? You’re insane.” She walked over and slowly ped my jacket, the smirk still on her face. I stared at her wide-eyed and gulped. She giggled once she was done. “Just looking at you is making me hot,” she said winking at me. I let out a nervous laugh as she took off my jacket for me and lazily threw it on a chair. I was thankful. I had been sweating bullets. “You’re so cute,” she said before leaning in to give me a chaste kiss on my lips. She walked away and giggled when she saw the big grin on my face.

 

It was music to my ears.

 

I heard her stomach rumble loudly and laughed.

 

“Someone’s hungry,” I said poking her stomach playfully. She pouted and swatted my hand away.

 

“Well someone took too long to get here,” she said walking away to put away the groceries I bought for her.

 

“Only so you wouldn’t be starving for dinner too. You really need to stock up on food here. Oh, and learn how to cook,” I said leaning against the counter as I watched her unpack the bags. “But I’m not teaching you again. One time was enough for me…”

 

“Hey! I wasn’t that bad…” she mumbled.

 

“I beg to differ…”

 

“Well I was just – Tae!” She pulled out three boxes of ice cream. I grinned at her innocently. “Did I really need this?”

 

“Who said it was for you?” She placed a hand on her hip and raised an eyebrow at me. “Alright fine,” I grabbed the three boxes of ice cream and stuck them in her freezer. “You can have one.”

 

She rolled her eyes at me and finished putting away the bags of groceries. “Time to eat!” she shouted excitedly as she clapped her hands. I laughed at her childish habit and grabbed the box of chicken I picked up for us on the way. I sat down on a chair and waited for her as she got plates. I turned to see her bending over to reach down to a low cabinet. I couldn’t help but let my eyes examine her body. The shorts she was wearing made her legs seem they went on forever. My sight slowly trailed up her legs and they eventually landed on her , which seemed to almost be sticking out of her extremely short shorts. She turned around and I let my eyes wander to the rest of her body.

 

I had a pretty hot girlfriend.

 

I felt myself turn red from my thoughts and turned away from her. It was starting to get substantially hotter. Tiffany sat down across from me and I saw her smirking at me again.

 

“I don’t know why you’re so embarrassed. I am your girlfriend, you’re allowed to check me out,” she said giggling a bit before grabbing a piece of chicken.

 

“I wasn’t – w-well, I u-um.” My logic failed me, so I decided to just shut up and stuffed my mouth with a piece of chicken. She giggled again.

 

After we finished eating we lazed around her apartment. It was starting to get too hot to be doing anything else. She put in a movie for us to watch, but I wasn’t really paying attention. All of my focus was on Tiffany. I had just remembered my dilemma from earlier and was starting to panic. How was I supposed to let my heart speak? I stared at her again and watched as she lazily leaned on the armrest on the other side of the couch. I was well aware of the distance between us. I knew for a fact that our relationship was moving at a relatively slower pace than normal. It had been a year and I was still shy and she would always be extra careful around me. The whole year had consisted of hand holding, innocent kisses, and the rare moments of occasional cuddling.

 

I would build up to saying it, I told myself.

 

And the first step would be to decrease the distance between us.

 

I reached over and tugged a little bit on her arm. She turned to look at me. “What’s wrong?” I wasn’t really sure where to go from here, so I pulled her harder than I intended and she came crashing into me. I ended up falling back onto the couch with her on top of me. Her face was buried in the crook of my neck and our legs were tangled together. The feeling of her bare legs against mine was…I had no words for it. She put a hand on either side of my head and lifted herself up so she was hovering above me. We stared at each other.

 

She was gorgeous.

 

Her perfect features were highlighted by her long, raven, hair flowing down, tickling my face. I was close enough to see a piece of her hair was matted to her face due to the beads of sweat that had accumulated due to the heat. I reached up to move it away and just barely brushed my hand across her cheek. Something in her eyes flickered and before I could figure out what it was she came crashing down on my lips. Right from the start, I knew this was nothing like our usual innocent kisses. I felt her move so that her legs were straddling me and for a second my mind went blank. I had never felt Tiffany be this forceful with me. She let her full weight rest on me as she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me closer. Suddenly, I was very aware of my hands. They were awkwardly placed on her hips and I silently wondered what I should be doing with them. I gasped and she took that as a chance to explore my mouth. She kissed me fervently and I wondered if she had been holding this back the entire time we had been together. I felt her moan against my lips and I trembled in her embrace.

 

Immediately, she sat up again, still straddling me.

 

“Sorry,” she said, panting from the lack of oxygen, “sorry Tae, I didn’t mean to – I mean, you just…” she tried to explain herself but she could barely finish a sentence before she ran out of breath. She looked down at me with the guiltiest expression on her face.

 

I was still dazed, and in a moment of stupor I gently pulled her down again and kissed her. She caught herself to keep her from fully crashing onto me. I controlled the rhythm this time, moving a lot more slowly than she had a couple seconds ago. I felt her sigh against my lips. I was still shaking terribly. I pulled away first and we stayed in our positions, panting in each others’ faces. It was the first time I had done something like that.

 

Come to think of it, Tiffany had stolen a lot of my firsts.

 

I didn’t mind.

 

“Fany-ah,” I managed to breathe out. This had strayed far off path from my original intention, but it certainly wasn’t that bad of an alternative.

 

“Hm?” she lazily replied, a drunken expression on her face as she twirled a piece of my hair between her fingers.

 

“W-we should do that more often.”

 

She giggled and placed a chaste kiss on my lips before leaning in to whisper in my ear, “Okay.” I shivered. Never had I heard her voice so husky. She giggled again and moved off of me. I sat back up and grabbed her arm before she could move back to her original position. She gave me a bewildered look and I just shot a shy smile at her before gently pulling her to rest her head on my shoulder.

 

“You were too far,” I whispered. The change in atmosphere was so quick; I had barely noticed the transition. Tiffany made herself more comfortable against me and I put an arm around her shoulders hesitantly.

 

It was then I wondered why I was so scared of this.

 

To hold someone dear to you so close was an unexplainable feeling. A lot of feelings were unexplainable, I realized. That was why they were called feelings, I guess. You had to feel them. I had always looked for an explanation for what I was feeling – an explanation for why I was always so scared – but being around Tiffany made me realize that there wasn’t one. Feelings were something you experienced for yourself and only you would know what it was. There wasn’t an explanation for it, and you didn’t really need one; you already knew what it was. It just couldn’t be put to words, not properly at least.

 

Why it took me a year to be comfortable with holding her in my arms, I had no idea.

 

I guess it was different when you were in lo –

 

“I should start dinner,” I said getting up from the couch and stopping my thoughts from going any further.

 

I heard Tiffany yawn. “Need any help?”

 

“Take a nap or something, Fany-ah. I’ll wake you up when I’m done,” I said, noticing that she had been growing sleepier and sleepier. I began pulling out the groceries that she had put away earlier. I didn’t hear a reply from her so I figured that she took my suggestion. I focused completely on making her a great dinner. I would let my heart do the talking tonight, and hopefully it’ll say all the things I want it to say. Honestly, I still thought the advice Jessica gave me was useless, but it was all I had. I turned around and was shocked to find that Tiffany was sitting on the counter grinning sheepishly at me. I stopped in my tracks and stared at her cluelessly.

 

“What? Are you the only one allowed to check out your girlfriend?”

 

She showed off that eye-smile I loved to see and swung her legs back and forth innocently. I fought off my blush and quickly turned back around to finish preparing dinner. I had always thought she was the better looking one between the two of us. To have her complimenting my looks came as a shock. “Fany-ah, take a nap. You’ve been yawning for the past twenty minutes.”

 

“But watching you is so much more interesting.”

 

“Fany-ah…”

 

“Come on Tae, let me help!”

 

“The last time I let you help me you ended up hurting yourself!”

 

“It was just a small cut on my finger! No big deal.”

 

“It is to me!”

 

“You’re overreacting.”

 

“I am not!”

 

“Really now?”

 

“…Okay, so maybe I am. I tend to do that whenever you’re around,” I muttered under my breath. “Sorry…I just…I don’t like seeing you get hurt in any form possible.” My voice was so quiet that I had wondered if she even heard me. She didn’t say anything, so I continued to make dinner for the two of us. She was still watching me. I could still feel her eyes on me. It made me more uncomfortable than it should have. After a couple minutes I felt her wrap her arms around my waist and I immediately stiffened at the contact, but eventually I relaxed in her embrace. We stood there for a couple minutes with her hugging me from behind and me awkwardly standing in her arms. When she tightened her hold on me and nuzzled her face into my neck, I stiffened again and she pulled away.

 

“Sorry,” she mumbled. I could tell she was disappointed. To be honest, I was a little bit too. “I’ll go take a nap. Wake me up when you’re done.”

 

I sighed and continued making dinner. I missed having those eyes on me for some reason. I missed having her there. I knew she was just one room away, but I felt like I had scared her off to a place much further than that. I shook my head and focused on the task in front of me. I felt like I had given her false hope that I was changing, that I would be comfortable with things like that. To be fair, I honestly thought I would be. I wondered if she would ever get frustrated with me, if she would ever give up on me, if she would ever get tired of waiting for me.

 

The thought scared me so much.

 

I wanted her to hold on. I was changing, I knew it. Hyoyeon knew it. Yuri and Jessica knew it. Everyone did. And I hoped she did too. It was a slow process, but I was getting there. I hoped she saw that I was trying my best, because the only reason I was trying so hard was because of her. Did she realize that? Did my actions speak loudly enough for her to hear that? Or was this something that my heart had to say? That I had to say?

 

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but I was finally done with the meal. I walked into her room filled with as much pink as possible, and stopped for a second to stare at the sight in front of me.

 

Now, I knew she wasn’t perfect, but there were times when she just seemed so utterly flawless to me. It was like I could only see her through rose-colored glasses. How did she see me, I wondered.

 

“Fany-ah, dinner’s ready.” I shook her awake. Usually it took a couple tries to wake her up, but this time she opened her eyes as soon as I touched her. I knew she hadn’t been sleeping. I decided not to say anything about it as she got up and pretended to still be drowsy. I had to hold in a laugh. She was such a bad actress. Still going along with her act, she stretched as if she had just woken up and I couldn’t help but stare at what the lifted tank top revealed. She exaggerated another yawn and my attention was back to her face.

 

“Done already? I feel like I barely got any sleep,” she said forming a pout on her lips. Maybe because you didn’t, Fany-ah.

 

I held in another laugh. I decided to just let her have her fun. I nodded and she got off the bed and started walking towards the door. Before she could I grabbed her hand and she stopped in her tracks to shoot me a bewildered look. I shyly grinned at her and interlocked our fingers before leading her towards where I set up our dinner. I didn’t check to see her reaction.

 

“It looks and smells delicious Tae!” she shouted happily before rushing towards the table, dragging me along with her. She sat down and noticed that out hands were still interlocked. I could feel her start to loosen her grip, but I only tightened mine. I didn’t want to let go. If this was the most I could do for her at this point, then I’d continue doing it. She tried to let go again and I simply shook my head. Tiffany laughed at me as I walked around the table, maneuvering our arms so our hands wouldn’t have to part, and sat down on across from her.

 

“Um TaeTae, I kind of need this hand to eat…”

 

I looked at our hands again and realized that I was holding her right hand with my left one. I grinned at her again and shook my head once more.

 

“But Tae –”

 

I grabbed my chopsticks and picked up some rice to feed her. She blinked before showing off her beautiful smile and eating what I placed in front of mouth. I made sure my grip in her hand wasn’t too tight and continued to feed the both of use with my one hand. I realized that since I had “woken” her up, I had only responded to her with a nod or shaking my head. She was used to it and usually she just kept talking. This time, however, she kept quiet. It was a rare sight to see the usually talkative Tiffany Hwang keep shut. She just sat there and stared at me with this look in her eyes. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it was as if she was completely content with just looking at me. She wasn’t even looking at what I fed her anymore, and I was only half aware of what I was picking up with my chopsticks as I returned her stare.

 

I liked that about us. We didn’t need to talk much to be comfortable with each other. Coming from a normally quiet person, it was usually awkward around people because I wouldn’t respond that much. With Tiffany, it was a completely different story. I could be as quiet as I wanted and things wouldn’t get awkward. We were just comfortable in each others’ presence.

 

Before I knew it, we finished off all the food on the table without saying a word.

 

“So am I going to have to do the dishes with one hand or are you going to do that for me too?” she joked. I grinned and nodded, pulling her up with me as I stood up to put the plates in the sink. I was afraid that if I talked then something stupid or unintelligible would come out. I was nervous enough as is, and talking would just make me more nervous.

 

“You cooked me dinner, so at least let me clean up,” she insisted as we stood in front of the sink. To her surprise, I nodded and let go of her hand. “Well, I didn’t expect it to be that easy,” she said laughing before getting ready to wash the dishes. Surprising her again, I swallowed my fear and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind and buried my face in the crook of her neck. It was a little weird being the one to initiate this kind of stuff, but it was nice, a different kind of nice from when she did it to me. She stopped for a second and I wondered if I was doing something wrong, but as soon as I loosened my grip in fear she went back to her task of washing the dishes and I tightened my hold on her again.

 

She finished the task on hand and we just stood there for a couple minutes. She leaned back into me, and to her delight, I didn’t shy away. She took one of my hands away from its hold on her and played with my fingers.

 

“What’s gotten into you today Tae?” she whispered.

 

You.

 

“Not that I don’t like it or anything, but…” she pulled away from my embrace and turned around to look at me. She took both of my hands in hers and put a little distance between us. “There’s no rush, you know that right? You don’t have to force yourself to do these things for me.”

 

“But I want to.”

 

“Really Tae?”

 

“Didn’t you just say you liked it?”

 

“Well yeah, but –”

 

“I want to do whatever makes you happy.”

 

I could see her swooning over my choice of words. She gave me a quick peck before responding. “You are too sweet sometimes. But you know, we don’t have to move as fast as Yuri and Jessica. You can take your time with these things.”

 

“I have been. It’s been a year, Fany-ah.”

 

“So?”

 

“Isn’t our relationship moving a bit too slow?”

 

“There’s no set pace. Every couple moves at their own speed, so don’t worry. I can wait.”

 

“For how long though…” I muttered under my breath. I didn’t mean for the words to come out of my mouth. She only gave me a soft smile.

 

“For as long as you need Tae, okay?” She kissed me again, a little longer than the previous one. “Don’t worry,” she reassured me again, “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

It was like she could read my mind.

 

“Fany-ah…”

 

“Hm?”

 

“I lo…lo – like your hair. Did you do something different with it today?” I quickly pulled my hands away from her grip and walked away, not really having a destination in mind. I just had to get away from her questioning eyes. My legs ended up taking me to her bedroom. I wasn’t sure what I was doing anymore.

 

I heard her footsteps follow mine. “What are you doing in here?” she asked. I turned away from her and shrugged before letting myself fall down ungracefully onto her bed. I buried my face into one of her pillows and felt her sit down next to me and my hair. I closed my eyes and my heart seemed to calm down.

 

“It’s getting late. You should just stay the night. And I’m not taking no for an answer! There’s no way I’m letting you go home at this time.” I glanced at the clock out of curiosity to see that it was only eight-thirty. I laughed a little.

 

“You’re so over protective.”

 

“Shut up,” she said lightly hitting the back of my head. I felt her get up from the bed. “You can take the bed. I’ll just grab some pillows and blankets for the couch.” Every time I stayed over, she always insisted that she take the couch. Before she could walk away, I sat up quickly startling her. I took the chance to grab her hands and pull her down to sit next to me again.

 

“Or you could save yourself the trouble and just sleep here with me.”

 

“What did I say about not forcing yourself?”

 

“I’m not forcing myself! I – I just want you next to me.” Before she could say anything I cupped her cheeks with one hand and pulled her in to kiss me. I didn’t know where all my newfound confidence had come from. Maybe I was finally letting my heart do what it wanted. Maybe I was finally getting over my phobia. Maybe I was finally ready.

 

Or maybe it was just my raging hormones reacting to my hot girlfriend sitting next to me on her bed.

 

Hyoyeon was influencing me too much.

 

I slipped my tongue inside and she wrapped her arms around my neck to pull me closer.

 

“Tae…wait….you know…you don’t have to…Tae…”’ she mumbled breathlessly in-between kisses. “How are you so good at this…” she muttered before lying down on her bed and pulling me on top of her.

 

Once my senses had finally kicked in, I pulled away and stared down at her. She looked dazed as she drunkenly stared back up at me. I couldn’t help but grin at the fact that I had melted her into a complete pile of mush. I moved myself off of her and sat down next to her. Eventually, she came back to her senses and sat up.

 

“You’re just full of surprises…” she mumbled. I chuckled and grabbed her hand. I surprised myself sometimes too.

 

“Fany-ah,” I started. I had to do this before all my confidence went away. Let my heart do the talking, right? She turned to look at me.

 

“Y-you make me really happy, you know that?” I said with my voice quieter than usual. “I mean, really, really happy.” She giggled at my emphasis on words. “I – you, well…us, being together like this…I wouldn’t have it any other way. You – you make me feel things I’ve never felt before. You make me want to do things I hate. You make me want to say things I never could before.”

 

I stared into her eyes and saw her soft smile, as if encouraging me to go on, and her dazed expression swooning at my every word. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

 

“It’s like, you remember that one time I tried to set off fireworks for you but I ended up setting myself on fire?” She giggled. “It’s like that, except I set myself on fire on the inside.” She let out another laugh the absolutely ridiculous analogy and I grinned at her. She was always the one that appreciated my jokes the much.

 

“I love how you’re so patient with me,” I started, kissing one cheek.

 

“I love how you’re so kind to everyone.” I kissed the other one.

 

“I love how you put up with all my attempts to be romantic.” I kissed her forehead.

 

“I love how you still think it’s romantic even when it’s not.” I kissed her on the lips.

 

“I love how you love me.”

 

“And most importantly…I – I…” I stared at her loving eyes and I smiled. There wasn’t anything to be afraid of, not when she was looking at me like she was. I wasn’t scared anymore.

 

“Tiffany Hwang Miyoung, I love you.”

 

Her eyes formed perfect crescents and a big grin appeared on her face. My heart felt like it was going to burst. I felt like the weight had just lifted off my shoulders and I felt so free. It was so…liberating. I kissed her again. “I love you.”

 

“I love you.” Kiss.

 

I love Tiffany.

 

“I love you.” Kiss.

 

She giggled at my antics. “You can stop saying it now, you know.”

 

“I don’t want to. I love you.” Another kiss. She giggled again. “I’m just making up for all the times you’ve said it to me,” I mumbled. “Oh, and by the way, I love you.” I kissed her again, having it linger a little longer than the other times.

 

She cupped my cheeks and forced me to pull away and look into her eyes.

 

“Kim Taeyeon, I love you too.”