Home Is Where the Heart Is

I stared at the red lights that flashed 9:27 P.M. on my bedside table and I mentally did the calculation in my head. I realized that the answer came too easily to me – someone who was never very good at math in the first place. But, I had done the same calculation so many times in my head that it just came naturally to me. I lazily curled up further into the covers, feeling the cold winter night seep through my closed window. I mentally cursed the broken heater. My fingers hovered over the keypad on my phone as I silently debated whether or not to call the other girl.

On the one hand, I wanted to hear her voice so badly. After such a long and exhausting day, it probably would’ve comforted me more than it should have.

On the other hand, it was four in the morning over there for her and there was a big chance she was still sleeping.

A loud thud against my bedroom door startled me and my phone slipped out of my hand. A loud curse escaped my mouth when I saw that my phone had hit the hardwood floor rather harshly. I reluctantly got out of the warm confines of my bed and picked up my phone and the battery that had fallen out on impact. I jumped back onto my bed and hastily got back under the covers in a pathetic attempt to stay warm.

Laughter resonated just outside my door and I scowled despite knowing that no one could see me. “Stupid roommate,” I muttered under my breath as I turned my phone back on.

I shook my head and decided to call her anyway. I was too selfish to care that I’d be waking her up, and I had gone too long without hearing from her. I had grown too desperate. My exposed fingers shivered under the wrath of a cold December in Seoul as I called the number I knew all too well.

It rang for a quite a while and just when I thought the call was about to cut to her voicemail, I was instead pleasantly surprised with the sound of a voice answering on the other side.

“TaeTae?” Her voice was hoarse and raspy, but I couldn’t help but feel elated at the sound of her voice even in such a state.

“Sorry, I woke you up didn’t I?” I replied, trying not to sound too eager.

I heard some shuffling and a clearing of a throat before she answered. “Yeah, you kind of did,” she answered with a chuckle, and that’s when I felt the weight lifted off of my shoulders. She wasn’t mad. “It’s alright though, kind of glad you did. I must have fallen asleep while working on my final paper…”

“Don’t tell me you’re going to ditch me for a stupid paper?” I joked.

“Relax, I just need two more paragraphs and I’m done with this. I can do that and talk to you at the same time. I’m a master at multitasking, in case you’ve forgotten in the past four months.” For some reason, I just knew that she was flashing that too-pretty-for-her-own-good eye smile right at that moment.

“Aren’t you tired though?” I questioned, “I was just kidding, you know. We don’t have to talk if you’re too busy.” As selfish as I was, her well-being always came first. Always.

“Nothing some Red Bull can’t fix. Besides, you sound like you want to talk. It’s really alright with me, TaeTae. What’s up? What time is it over there?”

I felt the corners of my lips tug up into a small smile before I shivered and pulled the covers even closer to my body, pressing the phone tightly against my ear. “Fifteen minutes to ten. There’s not much going on. Just my stupid roommate throwing a stupid party while I’m trying to get some sleep. Apparently she had her last final today so she’s celebrating,” I scoffed, “And also completely disregarding any possibility that her roommate might still be in the midst of her finals.”

“What a bummer,” the other girl mumbled, obviously distracted by something else. “Sorry, just let me finish this last paragraph and you’ll have my full and undivided attention.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle before replying, “No rush Fany-ah. I’m just happy to be talking to you at all, even if it happens to be a little one-sided.”

“Oh, don’t be dramatic. It is not one-sided. Just wait for another ten minutes or so, you big baby.”

I grinned at the teasing tone and felt myself relaxing. I decided to keep talking anyway. “It’s so cold here in Seoul. How is it over there?”

“It’s alright. California doesn’t really get that cold to be honest. It’s nothing compared to Seoul…Has it started snowing over there yet?”

“Yup. The first snowfall was yesterday.”

Tiffany let out a loud squeal that almost burst my eardrums. I grinned anyway because even her loud screeches were something I missed and I couldn’t help but laugh. Tiffany was always excited when it snowed over here. I think it had something to do with it never snowing in L.A. “As soon as I come back home, I’m dragging your lazy out of bed and we’re going to play in the snow!”

I sat up abruptly, shocked. “You’re coming back?”

There was a pause on the other side. “…That was supposed to be a surprise.”

I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. My heart pounded incessantly against my chest. “S-so you’re really coming back? You’re not joking?” I squeaked out.

“I want to come home for Christmas,” she told me. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

“Home?” I asked skeptically. Tiffany wasn’t even from around here. “Don’t you want to spend Christmas with your family in L.A.? Isn’t that your home?”

“I’ve never spent Christmas with you TaeTae…my father always flew me back to L.A. in high school, and now that we’re in college and we rarely get the chance to see each other…I want to spend it with you this year.”

My heart fluttered at her words. I was still confused. Happy, but confused. “But…you said you wanted to spend Christmas at home…This…this is your home?”

I heard her take a deep breath before answering me. “Have you ever heard the phrase…home is where the heart is?”

I felt my cheeks flush and suddenly I wasn’t cold anymore. Tiffany was warming me up from the inside-out. “You – what?” I asked breathlessly. Was she saying what I thought she was saying?

“Never mind,” she muttered quickly. “Listen, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later TaeTae.”

And before I could even utter a goodbye, the line went dead and I was stuck wondering what the heck had just happened.

Once the party had died down, I thought I could finally drift off to sleep. But instead, there was something even worse keeping me up.

Home is where the heart is.

What did she mean by that? I stayed awake for hours after the party ended trying to figure it out, but I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the only logical conclusion I came to.

Suddenly, I felt my phone vibrate somewhere underneath the covers. I fished the old thing out, wondering who on Earth could be calling me at this hour. An involuntary gasp escaped me and – as cliché as it sounds – I could’ve sworn my heart skipped a beat at the sight of the caller’s name.

I picked up the call and hesitantly answered. “Tiffany?”

“Hey,” she replied breathlessly, “I just wanted to call you back to apologize for earlier. You know, for just sort of leaving you hanging. So, um,” she awkwardly paused and that was odd because Tiffany was usually so good with her words, “sorry, I guess. I’m just a little weird lately, weirder than usual I mean. I just…I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too.”

Those four words would never be enough to express how much I really felt about her being away from me.

“Sorry, what time is it over there? It’s probably really late, huh?” she continued, still sounding out of breath. “Sorry,” she apologized again.

I glanced at the clock. “It’s almost five. Must be…” I paused and did the calculations in my head. “Almost noon over there then, right?”

Tiffany laughed. “How do you always manage to do that so fast?” she asked, “And what are you still doing up? You didn’t sound like you were sleeping when you answered.”

“I’m not really sure myself,” I replied with a chuckle, “Guess I just couldn’t sleep.” A comfortable silence fell upon us and there seemed to be a lot of movement and noise going on from her end. “What are you doing, Fany-ah?” I asked curiously.

“Nothing important,” she answered. “How was that party your roommate threw? How are you two anyway?”

I shifted to lie on my back and stared up at the ceiling. “I wouldn’t know, but from what I could hear I’m sure it was a blast. And my roommate and I are the same as always. By the way, do you happen to know what an overbearing, obnoxious, conceited twenty-one year old girl would like for Christmas?”

“Oh my gosh, you’re actually getting that witch a present?”

I laughed at her reaction. “Yeah, she kind of sprung it on me. She just sort of suggested that we should get each other presents, and I couldn’t really say no…”

“You’re too nice,” Tiffany sighed, “And speaking of gifts…daddy wouldn’t pay for my plane ticket back to Seoul, so I don’t have a lot of money for presents this year…”

“Fany-ah, I couldn’t care less about a stupid present. I’ll just be happy to see you again.” I felt myself blush when I accidentally let those words slip out. There was a pause from her and I immediately regretted the slip-up. “And you know,” my voice cracked in my attempt to fill the silence, “gifts have pretty much lost all meaning anyway.”

“What do you mean?” Tiffany asked quietly.

“I mean, so many people give someone a gift and they’ll immediately expect something in return. And if someone receives a gift, they’ll feel obligated to give that someone something back in return. It’s all just a really stupid cycle, you know? I don’t want to feel obligated to get a gift. If I get someone something, I want it to be meaningful and heartfelt, not because I feel like I have to. Whatever happened to giving for the sake of giving?” I stopped when I realized I was rambling. I noticed that her end had become silent other than the random voices I kept hearing in the background. “Fany-ah?”

“Taeyeon-ah,” she said suddenly.

“Hm?”

“You’re kind of amazing, you know that?”

I was startled at the sudden compliment. “Well, I –”

“I really mean it Taeyeon-ah.”

I grinned. “Thanks.” Another pause. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

We exchanged those same words again for what felt like the millionth time since she had left.

“Sorry to cut this call short again, but I really have to go. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

“Oh, alright. Bye then.”

At least she let me say goodbye before she hung up.

Two days passed before I got another call from her.

“Hey Tiffany,” I greeted with a silly grin as soon as I picked up the phone. “How are finals going for you?”

“My last final was that paper I was working on a couple nights ago, so I’m pretty much free. You finished yours up yesterday, right?”

“Yup. Now I’m just lazing around on my bed since I have nothing to study for and my social life is practically nonexistent.”

“We really need to work on your social skills,” Tiffany joked.

“My social skills are just fine, thank you very much.”

“Then why are you lazing around on your bed at three in the afternoon?”

“Because I – wait, how do you know what time it is here? You at time conversions.”

Tiffany giggled and I could feel the excitement build up in the pit of my stomach. “Well maybe I’ve finally learned how to do them as fast as you can.”

“Doubtful,” I scoffed, “You were even worse at math than I was.”

“Stop insulting me and open your door would you?”

I grinned and shot out of my bed, tossing my phone aside carelessly. I was too excited to care that I had misjudged the distance and accidentally threw my phone on the floor. Rushing out of my room, I practically ran towards the door and fumbled with the lock for a good ten seconds before I finally got the darned thing to open.

My breath got caught in my throat at the sight of the smiling face. A flurry of white and pink flashed in front of me before I felt two arms wrapped tightly around me and a face burying itself into the crook of my neck. I smiled and reciprocated the hug, my heart fluttering at the contact.

“I would’ve been back yesterday, but my flight was delayed and yesterday was just plain crazy…” she babbled. “I missed you,” she murmured after a short pause, her breath sending shivers down my spine.

I refused to say those words again and instead simply chose to tighten my hold around her. “Why are you back so early anyway?” I asked. She pulled away, her face still adorning that eye smile of hers that I always loved.

“I needed to tell you something important.” I nodded and pulled her into the room, closing the door behind her.

“What is it?”

She grabbed both of my hands and took a deep breath. “You know how I said home is where the heart is?” she asked nervously. I slowly nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. “Well, being away from you for so long made me realize something…You are my home TaeTae.”

My heart stopped.

“A-and,” she continued, tightening her grip on my hands, “that’s because…you have my heart.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle despite the situation. Tiffany turned bright red and looked horrified at my reaction. I could feel her start to pull away, but I grinned and pulled her back. I summoned as much courage as I could to lean up and kiss her.

It was short, chaste, and the most amazing thing I had ever experienced my whole life.

“Cheesy Hwang,” I smiled against her lips. She pulled away, her face still red, and hit my shoulder as hard as she could.

“Y-yah! I’m confessing to you and this is how you react?”

“Sorry,” I chuckled, grabbing her hand and interlocking our fingers. “If it helps at all, you have my heart too.”

Things got a little awkward between us the next couple of days. It was odd transitioning from best friends to girlfriends with her, even though it was something that I had wanted for a while. I thought it’d be more, I don’t know, magical. It was a weird way of thinking of it, but I couldn’t really describe it any other way. I wanted it to be magical and perfect and just everything I’ve ever dreamed of. Instead, it felt rushed and we had no idea what to do with ourselves. I expected things to just fall into place, but I was wrong to even think that they would. Things don’t just fall into place; you have to pick up the pieces yourself and try to put them where you think they belong.

It was definitely nice though. There was no questioning that I felt like my heart was about to pound out of my chest when she showed up at my door. It just wasn’t what I expected, but I guess that wasn’t always such a bad thing.

After all, she was there and that was really all that mattered.

I sat down at a table at the tea shop we agreed to meet at and ordered for the both of us. She was probably off visiting old friends. I fidgeted in my seat, scared that things would be awkward between us like they had since she came back. I wondered how long it would take for it to be normal between the two of us again, or if they ever would. We were stuck in this weird spot in between best friends and girlfriends, and we were reluctant to take things any further than they already went.

She walked in looking as apprehensive as I was and sat down across from me without a word, a nervous smile gracing her features.

“Hey,” I greeted her meekly.

“Hi.”

“So, how has Jessica been?”

“She’s been good. A little stressed, but which one of us isn’t?”

“Oh. Well that’s good.”

“…”

“…”

We accidentally made eye contact with each other, and we both turned away blushing. I berated myself for the ridiculousness of it all. We had known each other our whole lives and yet we were acting like high school kids with a crush.

“So, um,” she started, “were you going to spend Christmas with your family? I know you guys don’t really celebrate it.”

“Sort of. We don’t exactly do anything special for it, but I was going to take the trip there anyway since I had nothing better to do. But now that you’re here…”

Tiffany immediately shook her head. “Oh, no! Don’t let my being here stop you from going. I know I kind of just sprung this whole thing on you.”

I smiled at her and reached out to grab her hand across the table. She was startled, but she didn’t shy away. It was a little weird being the first one to initiate any form of skinship. Tiffany was usually the best at that kind of stuff. “Then will you come with me?”

“W-what?”

I had to laugh at her reaction. “Don’t act so surprised, Fany-ah. It’s not like you haven’t met them before. You’ve come with me for the holidays before. This time won’t be any different.” I gripped her hand even tighter in an attempt to reassure her. “The only difference is that we’re…you know.”

She sighed and leaned forward, finally looking me in the eyes. “We’re what?” she asked softly, “What are we, Taeyeon?”

I took a deep breath and took the time to grab her other hand with my free one. “I was kind of hoping you’d tell me.” I saw the hesitance in her eyes and nervously smiled at her. “You’re the one that flew all the way over here to surprise me. What happened to all that confidence?”

She chuckled and I was happy to see her relaxing, even if it was just a little bit. “Trust me, I wish I knew too.”

“Look,” I told her, “We can be whatever you want us to be, Fany-ah, because as long as you’re by my side, I don’t really care.”

She finally smiled that darned smile that I loved so much – the one where her eyes shaped into crescents and made my stomach do flips. “Now look who’s cheesy,” she giggled.

I grinned at her, finally starting to feel more comfortable. “So, tell me, what do you want, Fany-ah?”

She leaned in even closer. “Well actually,” she said with a teasing grin, “I was kind of hoping you’d be my girlfriend.”

“You know, it’s funny. I was kind of hoping the same thing.”

For the longest time, we just stared at each other with the same silly grins on our faces. “So,” she broke the silence, “what now?”

I leaned in so close that our noses were touching. “Well…” I whispered, “I was kind of hoping I could kiss you again.”

“That’s funny. I was kind of hoping the same thing.”

We shared a look before I closed the gap between us.

It was short, but it still took my breath away.

The whole time I was waiting for some sort of Christmas magic to happen to us, but the magic was something we were supposed to create ourselves.

And it certainly was magical.

“So, does this mean that you’re coming with me to celebrate Christmas with my family?” I asked after a leaned back into my seat, my hands still holding onto hers firmly.

“Are you sure they’re going to be okay with it?”

“Of course! They love you! You might even spread some of that holiday spirit you have so much of to them just like you did the last time you were there for the holidays,” I paused, grinning at the memory, “you’re kind of infectious like that, you know.

Besides, I want to spend Christmas at home, and it’s not really home without you, now is it?”