Hyukjae

                He wasn’t there, and then he was. He appeared as if he were my guardian angel falling from the heavens. If that made sense.

                I was glad to see him, but then I wasn’t. This feeling overcame me and I stumbled to my knees with the weight of it. I didn’t want him to see me like this. I know it sounds stupid, but in a way I was glad and sad.

                He was the only one who could comfort me at a time like this, but I didn’t want him to think badly of me. I killed somebody after all. What would he think of me after knowing that?

                He kept talking to me though. His lips were moving and moving and moving, but I couldn’t hear anything. There was only the ringing in my ears.

                I kept looking at the corpse just a few feet away now. It was starting to sink in now. The fact that I had just killed someone. I had just committed murder. A life had been taken at my hands. What did that make me? A murderer?

                I didn’t want to be a murderer. I didn’t want him to be around a murderer.

                I looked at him. I looked at his eyes. I saw his emotions through them. I saw the fear and the worry, but that wasn’t all. I saw the concern and the love that meant he didn’t hate me.

                He might not know that I did this, but I hoped that he did, then I wouldn’t have to say it to myself. I would have to admit it to not only him, but myself too. Maybe I didn’t want to be a murderer, has anyone ever thought of that? Certain circumstances lead to things that I couldn’t control. It wasn’t my fault this happened. He must have known that.

                I finally heard him.

                “You have to talk to me, Hyukjae. You have to say something, or else I can’t help you. I can’t figure things out on my own. You know I’m not that smart, you know that.” He was talking a mile a minute and I couldn’t stop myself.

                Sometimes you can’t control your actions. Your mind commands you to act and you can’t stop it, like how I couldn’t stop my smile. I couldn’t stop the tears that were piling up. I couldn’t stop myself from sobbing into his strong chest and I couldn’t stop laughing as I clutched onto his body.

                It was so ridiculous. I thought I had gone mad myself. Perhaps this was just a mental breakdown or shock that I was feeling, after such a traumatic experience. Killing someone for the first time can do terrifying things to a person, it seemed.

                Perhaps it’s because you start to understand the magnitude of ending a life. The scary reality that a mind has left and all that remains is the twisted shell it left behind. The pain of ending someone who was just like you, even if only in structure and race.

                At least I had him here with me.

                “Thank you, Donghae.”