Donghae

                I didn’t know why, but I had driven all the way back home. I parked the car in the driveway, on top of all the recently fallen snow. I thought about how it would be a pain to shovel it later. I got out of the car and walked to the trunk where I took out the urn and the bloodied blankets. There were a few droplets of blood that were soaked into the rough fabric of the trunk. I wasn’t sure how I would get that out, but there was some sort of gut intuition that detergent would work the best.

                I walked up to the front door and pulled out my keys. The door opened to an eerily quiet house. I walked inside and closed the door without a thought. I put the keys in the small dish I kept on a decorative shelf I kept beside the door so I wouldn’t lose them. It wasn’t my idea though, I’m not smart enough to come up with something like that. It was my boyfriend who did it. He moved one of the shelves from the living room and took a small dish that had been collecting dust before and put it together. He said that it was because he was getting tired of my yelling about where the keys were and him having to find them in the strangest of places. They were even found in the fridge once. We laughed about that so much afterwards.

                I continued through the house. I dropped the blankets into the laundry basket on my way to the back of the house. I still had my shoes on and they were leaving a trail of wet sludge on the floor. It would leave dirt stains if I didn’t mop it up afterwards, but I couldn’t be bothered by it right now. For some reason, there was only one thing on my mind, and that was getting to the back door with the urn in hand.

                I stood in front of a clear sliding door. It looked out upon a wonderful scenery, especially in this season. That’s why we got this house in the first place. It was because of the back yard that led into a thick forest. In the other seasons, summer especially, you couldn’t see anything beyond the first few trees because it was so dense, but in the winter that was a different story. It was so serene. The snow that blanketed the earth and covered the leafless trees with a coat of white became one of the only things we looked forward to in the winter.

                It was quiet too. All of the animals were in hibernation, so the only thing you could hear if you were extremely quiet, was the sound of the wind blowing through the dead limbs of the trees. It was incredibly peaceful, and we loved how it almost sounded as though there was a soft melody playing, that only we could hear.

                He would sometimes say that it was lonely though. I never understood. How could such a winter wonderland be something of similar character with lonely? It just didn’t make sense, but he stood by his opinion. He said that it was the way everything was of the same, lifeless brand. There was no life in the woods in winter, everything was either dying or sleeping. When we would go on walks in the woods, he would stop in the middle of the trees and look around with a shiver because we were alone in a place that otherwise would be full of life. He said it was lonely.

                I said it was peaceful. There was nothing to bother us and there were no surprises lying in wait. You could see whatever may be coming at you with incredible clarity. I liked that. He thought it was creepy, but we did occasionally meet in the middle. Neither of us could deny that it was beautiful, no matter how lonely or tranquil it may be, it was a beautiful sight to behold, and we were lucky to be able to witness it every day of the season.

                It was beautiful today too. Especially so because of the snow falling from the clouded sky. It looked like it would turn into a snowstorm soon. He liked snowstorms for some reason. Said they made him feel warm, which is weird because usually if you’re out there you’ll be quite the opposite. Wait a minute, I thought, turning my head to the side and blinking my eyes, where is he?

                “Babe?”

                I spun on my heels and turned around. I let out a sigh of relief because he was standing there.

                “Yeah, sorry. What’s the matter?” I asked, carefully setting the urn down on the dining table before walking towards him.

                “Well, you just walked away like you were possessed or something…” He looked at me quizzically, but I dismissed him, saying it wasn’t anything to worry about.

                “I’m just glad we’re home again.” I smiled, embracing him in my arms. His head resting on my shoulder and his hands rubbing circles on my back.

                “Yeah, home sweet home, right?” He said, but anyone could tell that something wasn’t right. His voice was choking up as he said the words home.

                I pushed him back for a minute and saw tears forming in his eyes. I panicked and wiped them away with my thumbs, searching his face for some sort of hint.

                “What’s wrong, Hyukjae? Why are you crying? What’s happening?” I bombarded him with questions, but if I had just stopped and thought for a moment, I would have been able to figure out that it was because of the murder. The whole ordeal we just got away from, although I couldn’t really say for certain that we were completely free of worry.

                “It’s nothing. It’s stupid, really.” He gave a laugh and wiped his eyes. His hand held mine and pulled it away from his face. He closed his eyes and then winced. His beautiful brown eyes opened, red and swollen and he looked at me.

                “No, no, of course it’s not stupid. Tell me what’s wrong. I’ll fix it.” I tried to reason with him. I hated seeing him like this.

                “No. I’m sorry I did this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry this had to happen. It’s all my fault.” He was shaking his head, drops of tears flying off and crashing to the ground.

                “Hey, hey,” I grabbed his face and lifted it to look at mine. “None of this is your fault, ok? I don’t – I don’t know what happened exactly, but it wasn’t you. Okay? None of this is your fault, and it’s all over anyway. It’s done now. We got the ashes we didn’t leave any evidence, heck they probably won’t even think anyone’s dead for a long, long time. We’re good. I love you, so we’re good. You’re good.”

                “Thank you Donghae, but it’s – it’s too late for that now.”  He looked to the side and a sob escaped his mouth. I brought him close to my body again and his hair as he cried, whispering into his ear.

                “It’s not too late. Nothing’s too late. Why are you talking like this?” I bit my lip, I could feel the tears. “Why are you talking like, like it’s the end? Why does it sound like this is the ending to some, some big movie? I won’t accept that. I won’t!” I was getting angry now. I didn’t understand him. I didn’t understand.

                “Look. Look at me!” He shouted, but it came as a whimper. “You can’t see it, can you?! You can’t see anything!” He got quiet. “You never could. That’s why… that’s why I left you in the first place.”

                This was getting serious. I stopped petting his hair and my body got stiff.

                “What are you talking about? When did you leave me? You wouldn’t leave me.”

                “Before. Remember? When you couldn’t find me. When I was there and then I was gone. Can’t you remember, sweetie?” He looked up at me and his hand my face. He looked like he was sad for me.

                “I-I don’t…” Then I did, and I didn’t like where it was going. He could see the recognition in my eyes and he nodded. “No.” I whispered.

                “You’re right. It was just then, that moment. We were on a walk in our winter wonderland, and then I ran away because of you. Because you couldn’t see it. You couldn’t see how our relationship was actually just degrading ourselves. It was humiliating. It was bound to end, but you couldn’t see it, could you?” He sniffled and his voice began to raise. “I hated that about you. I hated it with a passion, but I couldn’t lay all the blame on you, could I? I was just the same. I didn’t do anything to change any of it. I let it go on, that awful time in our lives. You remember now, don’t you?”

                “You were going to leave me?” My hands were gripping his arms, but they felt so thin and weak – I didn’t want to hurt him.

                “I was… I ran away when you weren’t looking. I had to get away. You have to understand me, Donghae. I was claustrophobic the way things were. I didn’t want to go, but you smothered me and I had no other choice. I had to. Can’t you remember this? How you chased after me and then you found me and there was so much blood.” He was shaking his head again.

                I didn’t understand anything that was going on, but it made sense to me. I could see the scenes playing out in my head. I could see myself running after him and grabbing his arm, like I was now. I turned him around and he was crying and screaming. He was erratic and I tried to calm him down. Something happened in between or maybe it was always there, but there was the blood. It was everywhere. Our winter wonderland seemed to have gotten a paintjob. It was now our crimson hell.