Hyukjae

                There was a room near the back of the building. It was dark inside and there was a damp smell floating through the air mixed with the familiar stench of burning and fire. I have always liked the smell of fire, especially campfires, but it was disturbing in this instance because what once was the aroma of a delightful campfire was something created from burning a body at an incredibly high temperature.

                I looked for a light switch since it was too dark to do anything, but I couldn’t find one on my side so I turned to look on the other side of the room. There was a long whining buzz and then the lights blinked on. He had beat me to the light switch it seemed. I looked around the now illuminated room and noticed that it didn’t have any windows. This was good since we wouldn’t have to worry about anyone spying on us.

                This room was a lot like the rest of the building; it was a complete mess. There was discarded sheets of plastic and some leftover boxes of tools that no one seemed to care about much since it was left here. Documents were scattered on the floor and chairs placed in random spots they wouldn’t normally be. In the centre of the room there was a large metal machine that stood almost as tall as the ceiling. It had one opening that was closed with a bar handle on the outside. To the left side of the machine was a large panel – it was probably the controls – and I could make out the dim blinking of a light.

                “Hey Donghae, it looks like it might still work.” I said, pointing to the panel. He nodded and went over to inspect it.

                “I think it’s gonna work. The power must still be connected to this building, seeing as the lights . I’ll work this out, so could you look for a trolley or a stretcher or something?” He asked me.

                “What do we need a stretcher for?”

                “…” He was silent and he looked unsure of what to say. I saw his eyes move from me to the body and back again. I made an ‘o’ shape with my mouth and realized what it was he meant. A stretcher was more reliable than I was when it came to lifting a body.

                “R-right. Got it. I’ll go look in the next room.” I stumbled on my way out the door because I was too distracted to see the arm in front of my foot.

                I left the room a little spooked, but I wasn’t going to let that affect what I had to do. I was already a mess because of all this… I didn’t want to become even more of a burden to him. It’s all my fault though. It really is. It’s because I killed someone. It’s because I murdered someone. It’s because of me that he’s suffering.

                I walked into the room next door but didn’t bother to look for a light switch. I fumbled in the darkness and then I saw the glean of a metal table that had wheels at the end of its legs. I was walking over to the table when my leg got caught on a plastic sheet and I fell to the ground with a thud. I tried to get back up, but my body didn’t want to do what I wanted, so I lay there. I lay there and think.

                I thought about a few hours ago. I thought about what happened in those woods when he wasn’t there and it was just me all by myself. I wanted to make sense of it all, so that way I could somehow make it up to him. I wasn’t sure how, but I was going to make him see that this wasn’t his fault and it was going to be okay. I didn’t know how though, so I tried to think harder. About what happened, I desperately tried to remember. As I was thinking, I realized something important. I realized that I couldn’t make out the details of how I killed that person.

                It was suddenly very blurry and I couldn’t make sense of any of it. I didn’t know whose fault it was anymore. I knew that somebody died just a few hours ago, but all the details were gone. What was I doing before they died? How did I get separated from him? Where was he when I was all alone? Who was the body before it was just a corpse? When did all of this happen? Why did I kill someone? I thought harder and harder, but I couldn’t even remember what the face looked like.

                My mind grew frantic and I began to think up crazy ideas that didn’t make any sense at all. Since I couldn’t remember anything about the death, maybe it didn’t even happen. Maybe I didn’t even kill them. Maybe they were already dead when I got there and it wasn’t my fault… Maybe it wasn’t my fault. Maybe it wasn’t his fault either. Maybe we’re just doing this for no reason! Maybe we’ve come too far to turn back. Maybe I should just keep quiet. Maybe none of this is really happening.

                “Hyukjae? Are you alright?” He was standing in the doorway. I stood up and looked at him and then at the table.

                “I found one.” I said, but my voice faltered and I was afraid that I would burst into tears. But I knew I couldn’t. I wasn’t allowed to. Not until all of this was over. I had to be strong. For him.