Hyukjae

                “Tell me… did you at least… love me?” I whispered in between breaths. I could feel my chest getting heavier with every breath and something in me knew I wasn’t going to see past this winter. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” I coughed and blood splattered on my shirt. “I didn’t mean to, I just couldn’t… stand it… living with you like that… it killed me. You killed me.” I was looking past his face. Past those eyes. “Truly love me… I mean. Did you? Or was it… some sick game… to you?” My breath faltered; I think one of my lungs collapsed. I paused and looked at the sky. It was so white. Maybe that was an effect of being on your death bed. “Thank you.”

                At least, that’s what I would have liked to have happened. I had so much to say, so much to explain. I wanted him to know that I still love him and that he should find some help and get better. I wanted to yell at him too. To scream that it hurts and he was a for ending the one thing in his life that was right. I wanted him to know how much pain I was feeling, not just in my body, but my heart that was breaking into a thousand pieces. I wanted him to hold me and sway me back and forth as I said all of this and I wanted him to cry and hurt just as much as I was… and I wanted to kiss him one last time, because how else was I supposed to tell him how I felt?

                But that’s not what happened. I wasn’t able to say all of that in my two short breaths. I wasn’t able to let it all out and make my last words actually mean something. My last moments weren’t able to be remembered by the only person I cared for.

                I was far too tired by the time I had collected my thoughts and forgot about the pain. My body ached and I wanted it all to go away. The skies were starting to bleed; the clouds all a twist with the shades of red. It reminded of the stained glass in churches, except this church was abandoned and it was just me staring through the glass.

                So I looked at him and I began to speak, but before I was able to continue, it all went away. As if it were the cut to black when a movie ends. I half expected the credits to start rolling, but there was nothing. I was nothing. I only hoped he heard what I had said. My last words, whispered in his ear.

                “…”

                “Donghae…”