Sunggyu was walking down the street with a cup of coffee in his hand. It was already evening, and the time was around midnight.

 

 

The road was quiet, and only his footsteps could be heard. The faint light from the street lamps guided his way through. Fireflies and moths flew around, as Sunggyu was lost in deep thoughts.

 

 

 

"Woohyun.." Sunggyu thought.

 

 

 

He then remembered a face with a sweet smile, his eyes directed at his. He could hear his laugh in his mind. How he loved that laugh so much.

 

 

 

But then that image suddenly reappeared in his head, that image when he was holding someone else's hand, his eyes filled with joy, keeping company of that woman who walked alongside him.

 

 

 

A woman they never talked about. A woman whom Sunggyu never thought about.

 

 

 

Deep inside, Sunggyu could feel his heart beat faster. Remembering that painful sight, or what more could have they done without his knowing, it makes him go crazy. Not beause he was envy or anything, but because he saw it in a different way.

 

 

 

Sunggyu wasn't jealous. He wasn't jealous at all. Instead, he was hurt. He was angry. And yet, he tried his best to understand. And he did understand Woohyun. But a part of him just can't let it go. He couldn't understand why Woohyun had done this. 

 

 

 

He finally found a lone bench lying below a tree. He sat down and put down his coffee beside him. He had to get back to the dorm soon, for they were leaving early for a photoshoot on that day. He let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I watched the insects fly around the park. My coffee was halfway done, and the temperature was a bit low. Somehow, I didn't care. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to spend time with myself.

 

 

 

Painful memories flashed back as I started to remember Woohyun. All those things, all those memories we shared.. How he just make it disappear with just a single word?

 

 

 

I don't understand him anymore. He said he liked me. He said he won't give up. He said he'll wait for me. And on that time I finally felt and fell in love with him, he refuses to answer. He walks away. He pretends he doesn't know me at all. And now, he has someone. Someone he didn't even ask permission from me.

 

 

 

I completely understand, maybe he grew tired of waiting, and I feel sorry for him. I understand those. But why did he have to leave me hanging at the edge? Why did he have to tell me in a way of bringing her in front of me? I don't completely understand.

 

 

 

Cliché it may be, but how I feel isn't that way. I'm happy for him. I'm happy he found someone he loves. Someone he loves more than me.

 

 

 

At least I know, that there's someone who will take care of him when it's not me. Someone to make him smile when I'm not around. Someone who would take my place when I couldn't. I'm happy she could fill that spot I wasn't able to stand on.

 

 

 

Though it's painful, I have to keep moving on. In a way, some people could say he may have played with my heart. But I don't think so. Woohyun isn't that kind of person. Although I'm curious on what on earth had happened to us, I wouldn't ask anymore. Nothing was between us. Even before. Even now.

 

 

 

There's no time to understand myself. There's not time to pity myself. What I need to do right now, is to keep the group going. Especially.. Woohyun. I have to protect him and his girlfriend. No matter how much it would hurt me, no matter how much it will cost me, no matter how much it will risk me. I'm his hyung after all. I'm not anyone to him. I'm his leader. I'm his older brother in this group. He's my responsibility, and there's no reason for me to distance myself from him. Since there is nothing between us, then I must not be disturbed. He's my.. dongsaeng. Just like Sungjong and the others. They are all my responsibility. They are all my family.

 

 

 

I know. I love him. I love him so much. But I can't let myself be dragged down by this. I'm a singer. I went to be a celebrity to achieve my goals. I went here.. because I wanted to sing. I went here to fulfill my devotion to music. That's all I should focus right now.

 

I should just.. let him go. I wouldn't want to mess with him. I only want the best for him. Thought it hurts for me to see him, I'll continue to go on. This pain I'm feeling, will pass too. I know that I can do this. I just want Woohyun to be happy now. He doesn't need to worry about me. No one needs to worry about me. I'm fine. It's me who should be worried about them. It's me. They are my responsibility. They shouldn't worry about me.

 

I'm trying to cover the hole in my chest, and little by little, it's getting better. I only need time within myself. I only need to look forward. What's done has been done, and I can never change it.

 

I know already. That I can't have him. That I can't treat him the way he used to treat me. I know my limits. I know everything. I know where to stand, and where not to. I know my rights and what's not. I know what's mine, and what isn't.

 

Memories suddenly flashed back in my head. I could feel the pain in my heart get worse. It felt like knives cutting it into different regions. I clenched my fists as I tried to resist the pain.

 

 

 

Woohyun.. Why did I have to lose you?

 

 

 

 

Why did you have to go?

 

 

 

 

I know I don't have the right. But why haven't you told me anything about this?

 

 

 

 

 

Why did you hurt me this way?

 

 

 

 

 

I hope.. you're happy. Even without me.

 

 

 

 

I hope you could do together the things I wish we could have done. I'll always be by your side.

 

 

 

 

 

Just wait for me to get better. I'm sorry for making you worry. But I promise, you won't worry about me again. I promise.

 

 

 

 

 

Woohyun.. Do you know that I love you?

 

 

 

 

 

I never even had the chance to tell you that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Woohyun, I fcking love you so much. I'm sorry for being a fcking idiot to make you wait that long.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Woohyun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love you.

 

 

 

 

Words are not enough to express how I feel. They aren't enough to explain what I feel towards you. They aren't enough to tell you how much I'm in pain, how much I love you, how much I want to be with you, how much I'm apologetic to you. I also can't find the right words to tell you. To tell myself. To tell anyone. I'm at loss. The only one who can understand me is myself. Because I'm the only one who can feel this. I know what I feel, and I know what I mean. Words, are just not enough. But actions can speak out rather than words. If only I can.

 

 

I know I have to face this alone. Woohyun, do whatever you want. But just remember, I'm your leader. I will stop you when I know it's wrong. I'm your hyung. Woohyun please keep this in mind.

 

 

I like you. I love you. And I will continue to love you. Today, I'll try not to be in your way. I won't make things harder for you. I'm sorry for everything I've said that hurt you. But I want you to know that I'll always be here.

 

 

 

Even if you break my heart.

 

 

 

I could feel the warmth run down my cheeks. My tears finally found it's way out after a long time. I didn't like crying in front of anyone, because I know they all look up to me. If I break down in front of them, I know they will be affected. And so I always thought I should face my problems myself. I didn't want to be a burden to anybody.

 

 

I wiped them away, with my hands shivering from the cold. I tried not to whimper, but it still escaped my lips. Somehow, the silence was comforting. I was happy that I could cry like this without anyone seeing me. I felt.. a little warm. I feel a little better now.

 

 

After a while, I finally had the courage to stand up and head back home. Although I still have a heavy heart, I have to keep going. It was already around one in the morning, and we had to leave the apartment around 3 am. I still had to sleep, in my opinion. I can't survive a day without sleeping.

 

I was in front of our apartment, when I saw someone in front of the apartment door. The moment I laid my eyes on him, I knew what he was.

 

 

"What are you doing here?" I asked him coldly.

 

 

The man just looked at me and put his camera down in shock.

 

 

"You know you're not suppose to do that. What do you think are you doing to my dongsaengs?"

 

 

I took a step closer to him.

 

 

"Do you want me to report you?" I threatened him.

 

 

"I'm only here for Nam Woohyun." He replied.

 

 

I felt my blood boil. For Woohyun? What the fck is he thinking?

 

 

"Disregard everything you gathered and go. Don't wait for me to call our manager."

 

 

"Go ahead. You think you can protect him?"

 

 

I clenched my fists. I tried my best not to hit him. I could feel myself burning. I wanted to burn him alive.

 

 

"I'm calling our manager and our CEO."

 

 

"Why? Can't face me alone?"

 

 

"I'm calling the police too."

 

 

I grabbed his shirt and started dialing our manager's number. But before I could even press the dial button, I felt something break on my head.

 

I dropped my phone as I landed on my knees. At that very moment, I heard the man's foot steps run away from me. I felt dizzy, and my sight suddenly became blurry. I came to look at my hands to see if I was bleeding, and unfortunately, I was bleeding so bad. It dripped down the road, and it felt harder to breathe.

 

I noticed the shattered glass on the ground, and some kind of black material. I guess he used his dslr to hit my head and escape.

 

"W-Wooh-hyun.." I cried out, but my voice was too soft. I tried to reach out my hands and crawl to the apartment door, but I couldn't.

 

 

Sooner, I felt myself drifting off. I could hear my slow breathing, and finally passed out.