September 20, 2014

I am so done with the songs! On Tuesday, I was able to finish the second song. It is entitled "Blind". I got so inspired after I review for my exam. The last one, I composed it on Thursday. I was inspired by Junhyung oppa.

Here's what happened.

Last Thursday, I went to the oval after my last class. Aside from the theater, I find peace in the open field. It is refreshing to see the green grass on the field, and it is energizing to see the athletes play. I was seated on the bleachers. I was eating my lunch when someone suddenly sat beside me. It was Junhyung oppa. 

"What are you doing here?" He asked me.

"Trying to get something for the songs I'm composing." I told him. He smiled.

"You know what, you're thoughts get deeper and deeper every time I see you. You did change a lot." That shocked me. But he is right, I did changed a lot.

"What are you doing here, by the way?"

"Uhmmm. How do I say this? I came here to look for someone." Obviously, it's Hyuna.

"Hyuna?" I suggested. He smiled. It was sad. He nodded. "Why are you looking for her?"

"Because I want to see her." It was straight to the point.

"You want to see her but you never have the courage to talk to her." 

"It's not that I don't have the courage, sometime, it takes a greater amount of courage to not do anything specially when you miss that person so much, and you want to hug that person." That's what you call deep thought!

Silence.

"You know what, I'm wondering about your story. What happened? I mean, how did you meet, what happened when you left for the US? I’m just so curious about your story"

He took a deep breath. 

"I met her when she was in her last year of senior high, and I was a 3rd year college student. Her school was my alma mater. I was invited by their principal to direct a play for the cultural festival. She was the lead actress. We became close because of the play. I can say I fell for her. She's passionate, she's kind behind her rude attitude, and she's just true to herself. The more I spend time with her, the more I fall for her. I want her to be mine but at that time, she had a boyfriend, Hyunseung. I know that he loved her so much so I did not pursue her. Besides, I am contented by seeing her and spending time with her. After senior high, she went to the same college as mine. She majored in theater arts. In the middle of her 1st year, they broke up. I comforted Hyuna. We grew closer. She fell for me, and I fall harder for her. We ended up dating. I love her, and I know she love me. But then there were rumors spreading after Hyunseung left for the US. Because of that, she changed a lot. I tried not to listen to those rumors but as time passes by, I became jealous, paranoid. I became possessive until I reached that point when I realized that little by little I started to believe the rumors. I realized back then that I have to stop myself from thinking hearsays. But every time I see her, the rumors keep on popping on my mind. In order to save myself and to save Hyuna from the possible pain that I can cause her, I left for the US."

"Wait, you just left her?" 

"Yes. Without any explanations. And that is something I am regretting." 

"But, you could have fixed everything if you talked to her. Listen to what she has to say." I argued.

"You know what, sometimes, you need to let go. You need to leave to make yourself whole for only when you're whole that you can fully love someone unconditionally. When you are whole, you can finally go back to her, to give her the love she deserves the most."

"So, the reason why you are here is because you are now whole." That's a statement not a question.

He smiled. But his eyes were sad. 

"Yes, I believe so." he finally said. "I am now ready to love whoever she is right now. I will love her unconditionally even if she doesn’t love me back."

Lucky Hyuna. Two guys are back for her. They are both back for one purpose: to win Hyuna back. She is so lucky. I just wish for the best man to win. But then. I. Why...?

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Aside from my conversation with Junhyung oppa, I had a very strange conversation with Gikwang oppa. 

Yesterday, while I was having my coffee break at the science building's rooftop, Gikwang oppa suddenly appeared beside me. 

"Looking serious?" He asked me. I know he's teasing me again. Ever since we were young, he loves to tease me.

"Yes I am serious this time."

"Hmm. Ok then. Gotta be serious too. So what are you looking at?" He noticed what I'm doing.

"I'm looking at them." I don't know if he'll be able to get what I said but he did, anyway.

"Oh! What a lovely sight!" He said. 

"What lovely are you talking about? They are all in pain, I mean experiencing emotional pain. They are all broken by their choices in the past. How can that be lovely?" He realized that I am being serious so he did became serious.

"Pain. Everyone hates pain. So as sadness. As much as possible, we want to avoid pain because we are so attached with that feeling called happiness. Yes, indeed, it is good to be happy, to feel that everything is all right and they are on their right places. But can you think of what comes before happiness?" I did not respond. "It's sadness, it is pain. By knowing what is painful, by feeling the sadness, we are able to appreciate and know the feeling we call happiness, or joy. Aside from that, isn't it true that pain helps us to realize the good and the bad things we did? Because we're able to feel pain, we're able to identify the good and the bad choices?" He did have a valid and good argument.

"But... They are already broken. How can you put the pieces back together? Even if you stick them together, the cracks are still there?" I asked him again.

"Why are you being so philosophical today?" He asked me while laughing. He took a deep breath. "Look. Being broken doesn't mean you are not capable of loving anymore. As long as you still have the love to give even if you're broken, it is still fine. Just give what you have. And if the other really loves you, as in unconditionally, they will appreciate what you are capable of giving." I still don't get it.

"Fine. Fine." I took a deep breath. I don’t want to argue with him anymore. "What are you doing here by the way?"

"Well, just getting some fresh air." He laughed.

"Look at them; they're like in a drama. Hyunseung and Hyuna are the main characters while Junhyung oppa is the second lead guy."

"No no no." I looked at him. I raised an eyebrow. "Look. The main characters are Junhyung and Hyuna. And the second leads are Hyunsueng and you."

"Me?!" I pointed at myself. What the heck is he talking about.

"Yup. You. Don't ask me why. One of these days you'll realize what I'm talking about." Then he walked away. He did not allow me to respond. 

Whatever he wants to say, I did not get it. 

It's vague.

-Sohee.