September 16, 2014

What a tiring day. There are a lot of things I did this morning. We had training for the play. The director said that we can't still have an audition for the characters because he's waiting for the songs. Hyuna doesn't seem fine, no, she's not really fine working with Junhyung. She can't take her eyes off him, but she doesn't have enough courage to talk to him. I saw anger in her eyes when Junhyung talked to my ex fiancée. She hates her, and him. But I also saw hate for herself. Ever since she saw Junhyung, she smoked more cigarettes, spend more hours in the clubs, and drank more bottles of soju. At the end of the day, she's always wasted. I can't stay still looking at her being like that. It pains me a lot. I have to do something but she keeps on rejecting me. I can't blame her though; I was one of the reasons why she became like that.

This afternoon, I went out to take some photos. Taking pictures of what people do genuinely make me forget of everything that's bothering me. I went to the park. I saw children playing happily. I wish I can go back to the time when I don't have to feel pain. To that time when love is just about loving, no conditions to fulfill, no letting go, no competitions, just loving. I also saw a couple. They're old but they are still sweet to each other. They were eating ice cream. I think the old man is blind. He is lucky for his wife is there for him. I saw a girl writing on her journal. She is concentrating so much on what she's doing that she can't notice what is happening around her. I believe myself to be like that when I take pictures. I'm in a zone of my own, but the difference is that I notice every little things. I took a photo of all the people I saw in the park. I also took pictures of the nature. After the photo shoot, I went to L'aime Cafe. I don't know why I went there, but my feet just led me there. 

My ex fiancée is there. She's working as usual. She's on the counter taking orders from medical students. There are a few people visiting the cafe. Most of them are working in the University’s hospital. I think they get used to the taste of the drinks that they serve there. What I like about the cafe is that is has a vintage look, and a nostalgic feeling but I never had memories there. I don't know why it is there but there is like a stage near the counter, and on that stage is a grand piano. I took some photos and accidentally, I took a photo of my ex fiancée looking at me. After I took the photo, I can't look at her in the eyes or even face her so I took my drink and went home.

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My phone is ringing. It's Dongwoon.

"Yes Dongwoon? What is it?" I ask him.

"Hyung." He sounds tired. He's in the club, the noise in the background explains it all. "You need to come here. Hyuna noona is drinking so much." 

"What? Ok. I'm coming. Where are you?" I ask him. 

"Actually, we're at Jonghyun hyung's bar." Jonghyung's bar is not the kind of bar where one gets wasted. I need to get her out there.

"Ok. I'm coming. Just try to stop her for now." I end the call.

The bar is 10 minutes drive away from my condo. I parked the car in front of the bar. I immediately enter the bar. She's there. A bottle of soju on her right hand while a bottle of beer on her left hand. Dongwoon is doing his best to take the bottles from Hyuna but he's not succeeding. I walk towards them. Dongwoon looks relieved now that I am here. I told Dongwoon to take the bottle of liquor from Hyuna's hands. I carried her out.

"Put me down!" She's shouting at me. She is drunk but I know that she is still conscious of what is happening. 

I put her down in front of my car. She attempts to go back in but I am holding her. I won’t let her go back there.

"What are you doing Hyuna?" She did not answer. "Hyuna. Why are you doing this to yourself?" I ask her again. I want to know for me to do the right thing.

"What am I doing?" She looks at me in the eyes. She's angry, but her eyes look sad. "Ha! You're asking me what I'm doing? I am doing what others think I am doing." I don't get this. What is she talking about? "Why? Why do you have to come back?" Tears start to fall. "After you," she's pointing at me. "The two of you left me broken, you just comeback as if nothing happened?"

"Look. I told you. I came back to fix everything. I came back for you." She is not listening.

"You can never change what is in the past! Do you know what people say about me when you left and I started dating Junhyung?" I don't have an answer. I can't respond for I don't know. "They tell me that I am a , that I deceive many men. They were laughing at me. They judged me. They don't know that you were the one who left, and not me! They were saying that I left you for another man. Then they were telling me, yes, they attacked me face to face when Junhyung left me. It was so painful! I was tormented! As if I died that time." She's crying you hard. I hugged her. She's still crying.

"Shsss. I am here now. I will help you get back to the old Hyuna." I assure her.

"No. You can't do that anymore. The past is in the past. I am already broken. I am in pain. If I continue what I am doing now, then I will never feel the pain. I will never be hurt because what they're telling about me is true. I can never cry again for their accusations because everything is true now. Even if I want to change, it is too late. I can never be the old Hyuna you met. That is why I'm telling you to stop." She's looking at me in the eyes. "I don't deserve your love anymore for I am no longer that Hyuna you used to love." She smiles, a sad smile. I smiled back. Then she lost her consciousness. I supported her will all of my strength. She's lighter than I thought.

"Bro! What happened?" It's Yoseob. 

"She lost consciousness. She's drinking a lot lately. Help me carry her to my car." Yoseob helped me. I asked him to accompany me. He agreed.

"Where are you planning to go? Do you know where she lives?". I shook my head. I don’t know where she lives now.

"Let's just go home. She'll stay with me." He nodded. Yoseob looks nervous. "What's wrong?" I asked him.

"It's nothing. It’s just---" before he can finish his sentences his phone rang. He answered it. "Goodness. You called! Where are you right now? I was waiting for you in front of the club but something came up so I have to leave first." Pause. "Ok ok. I'll meet you tomorrow. Take care on your way home. Ok. Bye."

I don’t know who it is but he looked relieved after that call.

- Hyunseung