November 2, 2014

For me, trust and respect are two things that I can only give once. If people break my trust and respect, they have to expect that I will never trust and respect them the same way again. I don't judge people easily, but once they do something that I don't like, the way I see them will never change even if they do good after. But today, I think someone has finally made me respect them again after breaking my respect a few days ago. It is not because she did something that moved me, or she said something like sorry to make it up to what she did, it is what she did in the past that made me respect her despite the bad things she did to the one I love. 

Yes, I am talking about my ex-fiancée. To set things straight, I did not talk to her. I did not see her today even if I went to the cafe because she's absent. The manager told me she went somewhere with the doctor-looking guy who visited her two days ago. I did not read her diary, if ever she have one. What made my perception of her change is the story of Bea, which I just overheard this afternoon.

I was having my brunch at the cafe when Bea and Doojoon came in. I think Bea wasn't able to see me because I was reading the newspaper, but I believe that Dojoon saw me because he sat near me while Bea was getting their food. When Bea was able to give her order, she sat across Doojoon. She was begging Doojoon to do something for my ex-fiancée.

"Oppa! Please! Do something to help unnie!" She pleaded.

"Bea, how many times did I tell you that I cannot do anything to lift the punishment on Sohee. Even your brother, who is the president of the university, cannot do anything to help her." Bea pouted. I saw in her expression that she is so worried about her friend. "By the way, why do you want Sohee's punishment to be lifted so badly?" 

"Oppa, look, on Wednesday, unnie will have to pass her requirements for the National Entrance Examination for Med School. How can she pass her requirements if she's not allowed to go to school? And besides, she needs to review!"

"Hey, you can pass the requirements on behalf of her, and she can review on her own, all she needs to do is to go to the club." Isn’t it weird for someone to review at a club? How can someone review at the club?

"Oppa! Unnie needs to pass the requirements personally. Self-reviewing is not a problem but of course, she also needs the guidance of the professor. Besides, if someone finds out that she's in the club, she'll get in trouble once again!" Bea was almost angry at that time, I can hear that from her voice. Maybe she can't believe what she's hearing from Doojoon, who is the cousin of my ex-fiancée. Yes, I've met him before. A few months after my father told me that he has found the perfect girl for me, he introduced me to Doojoon. That day, I was supposed to meet the siblings of my ex fiancée but since they were all in other countries, their father sent Doojoon. He is a nice guy. He loves joking around and he loves to eat. And one thing I have discovered about him when I met him is that he loves to sing as well, and he is a good soccer player.

"This all her ex-fiancé’s fault!" She suddenly said. I was in shock, and so did Doojoon.

"Wait, what? How did that happen? As far as I know, it was Sohee who was caught in action slapping someone. How come it was Hyunseung's fault?"

Bea took a deep breath. "Look oppa, everything that unnie was doing was all for him, even that escape thing, it was for him. I don't know if unnie noticed that but I did." Doojoon was about to argue but she continue on talking, giving him no chance of talking. "You might say that unnie just wanted to prevent Junhyung oppa from getting hurt, but if you look at it, he's also involved!"

"Hey, hey, hey, you cannot just say that. Sohee wanted to escape that fixed marriage because she doesn't want to end up like her parents."

"Yes. Indeed she doesn’t want them to end up like her mom and dad, but she only thought of that when she found out that it was Hyuseung-sunbae she's going to marry!"

"Wait, what? They never met before, and even during the wedding, how did she found out that it was Hyunseung? And so what if she's going to marry Hyunseung?" And thanks to him, all my questions were asked for answers I've been wondering. Why did she left, and how come she recognized me the first time we met.

"Okay. Look. This is the first time that I'm going to talk about this so you must shut up, okay?" Doojoon was kinda hesitant. "Pinky swear?" She held out her right pinky. Doojoon took a deep breath and accepted it. "Good. Okay, unnie has met Hyunseung-sunbae even before they got engaged." 

"What?!" I was also shocked. I cannot remember any instances wherein I met her. 

"Yes. You know that Junhyung oppa is close to her brothers, right?" Doojoon nodded. "Unnie was so fond of him that she decided to spy on him once he missed going to their house. We were in third year high school back then. Unnie was still wearing braces, round glasses, and she still have that very curly hair. We followed Junhyung oppa from his school to another school, which is a high school having their cultural festival. Unnie was so happy with what she saw. While we’re looking for Junhyung oppa, I lost her. I looked around for her but I wasn't able to find her. I was about to call Junhyung oppa for help but I found her drinking coffee under a tree. I asked her where she got the coffee and what happened while she's alone. She told me that she met a guy who was kind enough to offer her a cup of coffee when he found out that she's lost. I saw in her eyes that she appreciated what the guy did because you know, that time, only a few is nice to unnie because of her appearance. Unnie told me that there are a lot of judgmental people around, but only a few are kind, and those kind people should be treasured."

Doojoon cut Bea's story, "Umm, so where is Hyunseung in your story?"

"Oppa, if you just waited, then you should have known already how he entered in the picture! Hyunseung-sunbae was the one who gave her the coffee. We found out that he was part of a class that was running a cafe. The following day, I asked unnie to go back to the school and join me in trying their other drink because I want unnie to see him again but it was a mistake because we found out that he was already taken, and the worst part was, we saw how sweet Hyunseung-sunbae and Hyuna were. I know back then that it was love at first sight. Unnie fell for Hyunseung because he is good looking and most of all, he was the first person who was kind to her aside from us. But when she found out that he is taken, she decided to hide her feelings. Anyway, she thought that there will be no other time for them to see each other again."

"Ouch. That hurts. Feeling happy today but then the next day you're broken hearted because the guy is taken. That hurts a lot. Knowing her, it really did hurt her a lot." Now I remember her. Yes, I remember that girl crying under the cherry blossom tree. Looking at her crying helplessly at that time made me want to help her. I don't have anything to offer to her aside from the coffee that I was supposed to give to Hyuna. I tried offering her the coffee, at first she refused because she said that she doesn't have money but I insisted on giving her the coffee. When she accepted the coffee she told me what happened to her, and that I am the first person who was kind to her. I remember I don't want to leave her until her friend find her but I have to see Hyuna immediately. So it was her. She looks very different now.

"Wait, so how did she found out that she's going to marry Hyunseung?" Doojoon asked.

"Do you remember that party that was supposed to be their engagement party?"

"The masquerade party in 2011?" 

"Yes."

"So? As far as I can remember, the reason why it was a masquerade party is for them not to see and recognize each other. And I can remember that Sohee did not attend that party." That masquerade party was very memorable for me. Before I went to that party, I met with Hyuna and decided to breakup with her. I decided to do that because I knew that she was already in love with Juhyung, and the following day, I was scheduled to go to the US to study. I never saw Sohee there. 

"You know, destiny has its own way of playing with everyone's emotion and fate. Can you imagine, unnie was the one who found a diary, which was unexpectedly Hyunseung-sunbae’s!" She exclaimed. Diary? 

"How did she know that it was Hyunseung's? Did she read it? How did she know it was his? And besides, how did Hyunseung's diary get to Sohee?"

"You know what, you have a lot of questions that I can answer if only you let me talk. I swear."

"Of course I want to contribute. It is called conversation not a monologue."

"Wha--" Bea was getting angry with what Doojoon said.

"I said you may now proceed."

She took a deep breath. "Okay. Unnie attended the party hoping to get a clue about her fiancée. The party was held at her grandfather's mansion, right?" Doojoon nodded. "Unnie wanted to hide her presence so she entered the mansion through the pavilion. You know how hard it is to enter the house through the pavilion because there are so many plants in there. She took a rest and unexpectedly, she saw a notebook on the ground. Unnie was able to read the last entry."

"WHY THE HELL DID SHE READ IT? It was an intrusion of privacy!" Doojoon exclaimed.

"Come on, she didn’t know it was a diary, and it was Hyunsueng-sunbae's!"

"Okay. Okay. Fine. Fine."

"Unnie told me that in the last entry, Hyunseung-sunbae wrote there how sad he is to let go of Hyuna because he is still in love with her. Because of what she read, unnie assumed that Hyunseung-sunbae was forced to leave the one he loves because of the engagement. And that is the reason why unnie ran away during their wedding day." Yes, that diary. That day I let go of Hyuna, I also let go of the diary that contains all of our happy memories together. I never saw it again after I left it at the party, I never expected her to be the one to find it. 

"WHAT?! So, you mean she doesn’t want to end up like her parents so she ran away?" Bea nodded. "But, hey. You still haven't answered why was it Hyunseung’s faault? I mean how come that Sohee being suspended is Hyunseung's fault?"

"Oppa, unnie wanted to ensure that he will be happy. She doesn’t want her efforts to go to waste. Unnie wanted Hyunsueng to be happy with Hyuna, however at the same time unnie wanted to protect Junhyung oppa too. But if you ask me, it was really Hyunsueng-sunbae's fault. Unnie left for him to be happy, now unnie is still fixing things for him, for him to be happy."

"You really think that way?"

"Um, if that's not what is happening, then what do you think is happening?"

"You know, what if, she's doing all of these not for him, but for herself? I mean, what if she's doing that, making Hyunseung happy, because she doesn’t want to regret her decision of leaving him before?" Bea did not talk after that. 

I never thought that a person can do such thing for a stranger like me. Sacrificing her family, the comfortable life, because she doesn’t want us to end up like her parents. I know I should not blame myself alone for what she did, but my diary was the one that triggered her to leave for me to be happy. Why did she really do that? Is it for herself, or she wanted me to be happy? And if ever, why is she helping me now? Does slapping Hyuna a way of helping? That gets me to my next question, why is she helping? I hated her for slapping Hyuna, but…what if, she’s really helping me to get Hyuna back? But why does she need to do that? Why Sohee? You don't have to make me feel weak, to make me feel so defeated. Stop helping me because I know, I will never return what you're doing. Stop. Don't do anything anymore. I just want you to stop. Stop. Stop giving me reasons to stop hating you and to know you better. 

-Hyunseung