Written by: "Noah-22"

Pairing: Myungyeol

Prompt: "Your body is the house you grew up in. How dare you try to burn it to the ground."

A/N: I don't know if this is what you wanted but I hope you like it, merry Christmas or happy new year.

Warning: Mention of self-abuse

(Words: 3,246)

Teary lost eyes, staring immersed from his room window the crescent moon hiding behind the night clouds. Tired and wretched; he let his body fell on the bed, clenching his eyes as tears fell without warning; it was too much to handle, an unbearable pain; oh no, not the one coming from his wrist, the one inside his chest; it was killing him and he knew, that the night was going to be long; Sungyeol needed to numb his feelings, it looked like the early “dose” had already lost the effect and was insufficient. Still lied down on the crimson silk cover; and through watered tears, he stretched his trembling hand, touching the area around him, until the soft skin encountered the cold sharp surface of the razor blade. A bitter smile crept on the boy’s lips while slowly as if made of glass, he stood up ; his legs crossed, his forearm resting on his knee, as the razor blade approached hesitatingly at first but as his chest screamed in pain with clenched teeth and determined orbs, his hand as playing a violin passed across skin and at the first contact, made a visible red line, droplets of blood … later on more droplets slide on the wrist marking an invisible path that had been traced from a long time now and would stay there forever. The night was going to be long, dreadful, but the morning would find him different, painless, empty, a shell with no soul.

*****

The echo of the steps, was the only noise on the moment; frequent, fast but small light steps’, indicating the person was running on the stairs. As soon as he arrived at the destination, an open door to an elegant apartment was opened; waiting for him with a bored face was none other than the famous web photographer and model Sungyeol, he had started as a teen model in his own web page and soon has become known worldwide, thanks to his handsome appearance. Now he has dedicated his entire time to being a professional photographer, and updating his web page, with different boy models, like the one he had been waiting for.

“I am sorry”- Sungjong said and bowed slightly to the black haired young man.

“Just come in”- Sungyeol said and motioned to follow him inside the apartment, to the photo taking room where other models were, ready to have their session-“change fast, we don’t have more time to lose”- and the model nodded, racing with those seconds to get ready.

*****

Sungyeol had finished the photo session and now was talking with the models, having some friendly chat, eating and relaxing.  It was too immersed in whatever they were talking that hadn’t noticed someone’s eyes over him. The brunette had come home a while ago, and had been surprised to see his boyfriend already home; Sungyeol had disappeared last night not coming home to sleep, making Myungsoo really worried so it had been a shock to see him in the house they both shared for a year now, like nothing had happened, working and talking and laughing like there is no tomorrow, at the first look like he was really happy and enjoying it but Myungsoo knew better, that smile was never reaching his eyes, a typical sign of a fake one, but why, he thought about it and while his eyes never left that “illusion of  pure happiness” playing in the photographer’s lips, when the reason hit him suddenly ; and Myungsoo just couldn’t keep his eyes on his boyfriend, he was having enough of it.

“Sungyeol”- the boy mentioned turned his head surprise evident in his features, when had Myungsoo come home and for how long had he been staying in there, but his thought were cut off when Myungsoo snapped his fingers on the other’s face.

“What?”- Sungyeol asked –“Is there something going on?”

“We need to talk”- said that Myungsoo turned his head to the others on the room who understood the indirect and put the glasses on the table, swiftly without saying a word one by one left the room, only when the typical noise of the door getting closed was heard, than Myungsoo turned his head to the other boy, who was looking at him curiously.

“What do we have to talk about?”- A sweet smile adorned the photographer’s face.

“Stop that”- Myungsoo sounded really irritated.

“Stop what?”- Sungyeol was really oblivious of the other’s thoughts.

“Don’t smile, stop it, I can’t look anymore at that smile of yours, it’s fake, it’s pretending, it’s an illusion of you being well when it’s all a lie, it just reminds me of the past”

“Myungsoo, it’s my smile, ah, I really can’t understand you, till yesterday you told me to smile more and now you want me to stop.”- And again those lips lied as that hateful smile bloomed again.

“It’s ostensible, it doesn’t even reach your eyes, it’s not genuine, you are trying to lie everyone that you are okay, when clearly you aren’t, I want a true smile, not this one.”

“I think you are seeing things, why don’t you try to relax hyung, while I am going to work on the photos I just took”- said that the photographer taped smoothly the other’s shoulder, and brushed near the brunette but was hold on his arm from moving further.

“Where were you last night?”- That voice was giving Sungyeol chills.

“At my house, my childhood home.”- The other answered his head hanging low; it had no point in hiding it.

“You said you’d never go there again, you said you’d stay away from that place, why did you do that, why would you go back to a place you suffered so much, unless…”

“Unless… nothing, stop your mad train of stupid thoughts”- Sungyeol did not like where that conversation was going, or what his boyfriend was thinking of, since for his bad luck, Myungsoo’s presumption was right.

“Roll up your sleeves”- Myungsoo said in an orderly voice, as if he didn’t hear what the boy said seconds ago, in fact he didn’t care.

“Nonsense”- was all that Sungyeol voiced and pulled his arms a bit harshly from the other’s clasp.

“You started again, even though you promised me, even though you said you would stop, but why?”- The brunette was almost shouting in anger, he had a tiny hope that he was wrong and that fraction of ray was crushed in the moment his black haired boyfriend, flinched at his words.

“You are going overboard over nothing”

“Oh really, if it’s nothing prove it to me, raise those damn sleeves”- Myungsoo just couldn’t stop himself from yelling; he couldn’t believe was going to live once again what had lived for years now, and it hurt  because it meant that Sungyeol was having worse than him.

“I don’t want to okay, I won’t, now give me a break”- Sungyeol had enough of those shouts toward him.

“Because I am right, because you have done it again, haven’t you, YOU CUT YOURSELF AGAIN”

“I...I…”- he stammered not knowing what to say.

“You… You, you just lied to me and hurt yourself again”

“And that has nothing to do with you, so don’t make a big deal out of nothing”

“Because it is a big deal, you jerk, all that time dealing with your cutting problems; you just throw it away like that, as if nothing, I spent nights and days standing by your side and trying to help you forget trying to help you recover and trying to make you happy, and now…you just kick it away just like it’s nothing.”

“Really?! That’s what has you so frustrated, the fact of having lost precious time on me?”

“You know that’s not what I mean, don’t twist my words to your own liking, I don’t care for myself, I only care for you, it makes me desperate to think you have started again doing that…that disgusting gesture.

“Yeah, right, than you should choose your words more carefully”- said that Sungyeol raised his head, his jaw clenched, his eyes showing nothing else but pure agitation.

“Don’t look at me like that”-Myungsoo’s tone changed to a weak one, he couldn’t stand that his boyfriend to be mad at him-“You know I am this angry because I can’t stand to see you, going back in the darkness you have fought so much to get out, and if you have marked your body once again, it means that the darkness has returned, I can’t stand that, I don’t think I’d handle to lose you again.

“And here you go talking about how bad would you feel if something happens to me, if I turn back to that ing depression I as in Me, had to deal with, and not you, but that concerns you so much, it hurts you and blab la bla, so in the end it is always about you, that’s how it is, that’s how it will be, don’t worry, this time I don’t need help, I am fine just like this; selfish, that’s what you are, just a selfish human being”

Myungsoo couldn’t believe his ears, what happened to make his boyfriend think like that, he didn’t mean it that way, how come that Sungyeol misinterpret  it that way- “Sungyeol, how can you say that, I don’t care about me, I am worried about you.”

Sungyeol of having enough of his boyfriends claims, how couldn’t he understand that when he was feeling like that, he didn’t want to be told off, he wanted to be left on his own- “Then don’t, it’s my body that I am carving on not yours, I can do whatever I can to relieve my own stress, and just because you helped me once it doesn’t give you the right to complain about my actions on my own body, okay?!”

“It does, it does, not because I helped you once, but because it hurts me to see you suffering why you can’t understand this, it’s not about me, it’s about you, it’s always about you.” - He raised his voice with each word, trying to make his boyfriend understand, he knew Sungyeol had started to have again past troubles, and that meant only one thing, Myungsoo had to make him clear that Sungyeol wasn’t alone, he had Myungsoo, and Myungsoo cared only for him.

“And here we go again with the crap, what hurts you hurts me, and whatever, see again you are thinking of your own self.”

“No, no it’s not like that, Sungyeol, understand what I am trying to say to you,” - Myungsoo was shouting in pure desperation his voice cracking time to time- “I want to help, it doesn’t matter, I am sorry for yelling at first, you are right, if you are feeling sad and terrible, I am here for you, I am here to help you, always I will be, anytime,  just talk to me and we will solve it, I promise.”- his voice had already soften and become as low as a whisper, as he went near Sungyeol and took him from the wrists, gently not to make any more damages, but in the contrary his words had just awoken the bull inside the other, making him fume in anger, how come that even his boyfriend the only person who supposedly knew him better than his own self, was talking to him like that, no not even him understood Sungyeol, who just pulled his hands off the brunette, who just stared at him lost.

“Enough okay, enough”-Sungyeol yelled on top of his lounges-“You can’t understand me, you will never, because you have never lived what I have and have never felt what I have; I tried to be happy and I failed now I want to live on my own misery, and there is nothing I can do about it and let alone there is something you can do, so don’t lie your own self and me that you can help or you can understand because YOU CAN’T, neither I CAN’T help myself, you may say that I have everything, I have you I have a carrier and there are people much worse than me, but do you know that I feel like I have nothing, nothing at all, I sleep and I wake up feeling hopeless and alone, even when I am with you I feel lonely, I am a pathetic being, that’s what I am , I have no courage to live my life, but I am scared to die, I am stuck in between to live this miserable life and  yes, I said it, I want to die, that ing darkness you mentioned before hasn’t returned you know why because has never left in the first place, was just sleeping to wake up and engulf me in it forever. I am a lost cause, so don’t worry yourself for me, live your life and let me be, that’s what I want from you, because you can’t know what I feel, in fact let me ask you, have you ever felt in pain, and I don’t mean the physical pain, that one is just a distraction from the real one, the one in here- he put his trembling finger in his chest- “it’s horrible, it hurts so bad you want to scream, you want to give up, you can’t see a way out because you are lost and hurting, you are dying and yet not enough to close your eyes forever, because I have to breath in pain, in sorrow, because I don’t deserve to be saved, because I am a cowered who knows nothing,  and if the only way to forget if the only way to feel empty to feel nothing inside is by cutting and burning myself I will do it over and over again”- he rolled his sleeves and revelled the scars of the grief of last night-“ you saw them are you happy now, here is the prove I am still suffering, here is it- Myungsoo just looked with shocked wide eyes as his boyfriend if he still was one; started scratching his wounds digging  his nails deep making blood fall again, alarmed Myungsoo slapped the hand away, but Sungyeol didn’t care, he kept tearing the skin apart, blood flowing over the destroyed skin, and Myungsoo tried holding his hands, it was like a childish game, but a really painful one, it seemed to never end, as salty droplets mixed with the crimson ones, as tired hands hit in wrench the other’s  shoulders, and Myungsoo lost the power, in tears and pain he fell on his knees on the ground, it seemed like an eternity when Myungsoo lifted his head, his face a reflection of inability, of agony, and over all sadness, lost under the still falling tears  as a never ending waterfall.-“Stop  it please, stop it, don’t  hurt yourself anymore, I can’t…stop it”- and his voice held all the pain all the sympathy Sungyeol had caused on him.-“ I can’t see you like this, can’t you understand that  your body is the ...”

“I know that damn expression, don’t finish it, you have no idea how I wished I was never borne, or grow up, if only I can burn it to the ground but you know my body may still staying, my soul has already died, it’s already gone, for now, because the pain will come back soon and I will wish to end up and I will scream in agony holding my head wishing to disappear, not the pain but I, my own being.  It’s like an never ending cycle, struggle -> pain-> emptiness it goes on over and over and I am stuck, I can’t leave”- Sungyeol had tears in his eyes too, he let his body fell down, right in front of his lover, as he felt a pang on his chest for having reduced the only person that has ever stayed by his side in the bad and the good, like that, for having hurt him like that, he started speaking with a low sorrowful voice- “I don’t want you to stuck with me, I don’t  want to pull you on my misery, you don’t deserve it”

“I love you, if you want to destroy your innocent and beautiful soul just like that, I won’t allow it, it’s your body and I can see that you have already burn it to the ground, but I live there too, in the moment I fell in love with you, I started living in here”-Myungsoo raised his hand and touched the other’s chest, I am not dead, I am breathing, and if I am alive, it means you are alive too, I won’t allow you to destroy yourself, I will help you to stand up again, and sane your body, because I have every right to do so since I live in there too, in your heart.”

Sungyeol didn’t expect those words, no, he didn’t, but what if Myungsoo was right, aghhh, no he didn’t know that, because-“What is love?”- The black hair boy asked-“I don’t know what love is”- he added-“I have never been loved in my entire life, so I can’t recognize that feeling, does it really exist?!”- Sungyeol asked again, as his eyes now where showing just genuine fear and curiosity, yes, because he never knew how to love felt, and he wanted to know.

Myungsoo, for the first time, feeling that Sungyeol was finally softening, smiled, his hand resting on the cold watered cheek of the other boy, he closed the distance by putting his lips over those of the other, but not touching them, he still had some words to say-“Love is you trying to keep me away of your troubles because you don’t want me to lose myself, and love is me never leaving your side and helping you find yourself, also…”- his lips rested over the ones of Sungyeol in a really tender and small touch of lips, a kiss-“ love is what you felt when I kissed you, love is… you will understand with time, and one day you will feel it, since no one can understand it, just because it is so powerful, that trust me for this it will destroy the darkness you are living in.”- his arms rounded Sungyeol’s body, as the other boy, slowly, not sure and still doubtful, now was even a bit lost, found himself putting his arms around Myungsoo’s shoulders, in a hug.

“I love you”- whispered Myungsoo in his ear, and Sungyeol let his tears fell, letting all the agony out, he needed him, Sungyeol knew only that life could get worst, if Myungsoo wasn’t in his arms.

“Just help me, take care of our body, don’t let me ruin it”- said Sungyeol as  he tightened more the hug in need to feel the other’s presence-“Please, be here for me and one day I may love you back.”

“You already do”- voiced lovingly Myungsoo-“but soon will feel it too”

The first step is acceptance, the second one is the cry for help, the third is allowing others be there for you , the forth is fighting with all you have and the last one is to never give up, because it’s true what is once quoted “Your body is the house you grew up in. How dare you try to burn it to the ground.”

Admin Note: The way Myungsoo loves Sungyeol was just precious and touchful. To love someone is not because we want to be loved back, but because we care and treasure them the most. It was good. Thumbs up! (soundsecret)