The Early Days VI

Realization

            I felt a tickle under my nose.  I shook my head and swiped at my nose, trying to go back to sleep.  Then I felt the tickle again and this time I smacked my face and startled myself awake.  My eyes flew open and Eunhyuk was laughing so hard, he was doubled over. 

            “Ah, you should have seen the look on your face,” he told me, his face red from laughing so hard. 

            I gave him a foul look and then sat up, my muscles stiff from sleeping on the couch all night.

            “Why’d you fall asleep on the couch?”

            That was a good question and I had to think a moment, as I was out of sorts from just waking up.  But then I spotted the empty popcorn bowl still sitting on the coffee table and bits and pieces of memory began to filter back to me from the night before: our hands in the bowl together, Ryeowook playing with my fingers, and then, the kiss.  I leaned my head back against the back of the couch and stared up at the ceiling as Eunhyuk sat down next to me, turning on the television, and I smiled like an idiot. 

            “I was thinking.”

            Eunhyuk gave me a sidelong glance and narrowed his eyes.  “About what?”

            “Ryeowook and I were out here watching a movie last night and he kissed me.  What do you think that means?”

            Eunhyuk’s eyes went wide.  “What happened afterwards?”

            “He ran to his room.”

            “And you stayed here thinking?” he questioned, pointing to the couch we were sitting on.

            I nodded.  “Yeah.”

            “I think it means you’re a !” he said, smacking me in the shoulder.

            I shoved Eunhyuk back.  “I was taken by surprise!  I thought if either of us ever made a move, it would be me,” I informed him.

            “And I knew if either of you ever made a move, it would be Wook.  You talk all brave and , but you are such a big baby,” Eunhyuk pointed out. 

            I folded my arms over my chest and stuck out my bottom lip, hurt that he didn’t believe that I would have eventually made a move. 

            “See?  You even pout like a baby!” Eunhyuk teased.  “It’s about time Wook made a move though…he’s been in love with you since the day you arrived here.”

            My mouth dropped open at that news.  “What?  You aren’t serious, are you?”

            Eunhyuk just took a deep breath and looked back at the television, flipping through channels.  “So clueless…”

            “Hyuk!  You’re totally ing with me!  Right?” I asked.

            “If you don’t believe me, ask Minnie.  He just got back.  I think he’s in the kitchen making breakfast before we have to head to the airport.”

            “The airport?” I questioned, trying to remember our schedule.  “Why are you going to the airport?”

            Eunhyuk gave me a dumbfounded look.  “We’re headed to Jakarta!”

            “I’m not leaving until late tonight,” I said, recalling my schedule.  “I have a performance of Catch Me If You Can.”

            “Well, the rest of us are headed there this morning.  Good luck with the jetlag.”

            “,” I jumped up off the couch, having forgotten about the fact that the rest of the members were leaving much earlier than I was.  I was still too high on being kissed by my crush to worry about the real world.  I needed to pack my own bag because I was probably leaving right after the performance to catch my flight, but I quickly headed the kitchen to talk to Sungmin before I started worrying about it.  I had several hours before I needed to be at the theater.  I went straight for the refrigerator and dug for the orange juice, pouring myself a glass.  Then I walked over to Sungmin, who was making breakfast at the stove. 

            “Are you making food for me, too, hyung?” I very sweetly asked him.

            Sungmin laughed at me calling him hyung, since I only ever did it when I wanted to butter him up.  “Yes, Kyu.”

            “Thank you,” I said, sipping my orange juice. 

            “You’re welcome.”

            I leaned against the counter and lowered my voice a little.  “I have a question for you.”

            Sungmin looked down at the food simmering in the pot and began to stir it.  “What’s that?”

            “Has Ryeowook really been in love with me since I joined Super Junior?”

            Sungmin nearly dropped the spoon he was holding, which was practically confirmation on its own that Eunhyuk hadn’t been lying.  If anyone in the dorm knew how long Ryeowook had had feelings for me, it would be Sungmin.  “I, ah…gee, I don’t know what you mean…I—”

            “Ryeowook kissed me last night.  I know he likes me, hyung.”

            “Oh,” Sungmin said, sounding a little more relieved, but he was still avoiding looking at me.  He diligently stirred that pot of food, afraid he would give too many of his best friend’s secrets away.

            “And you’ve probably already pieced together that I have feelings for him as well.  But Hyuk says that Wook’s liked me since the beginning.  I’m just wondering if that’s true or not.”

            Sungmin sighed heavily and then glanced over at me.  Then he nodded. 

            Holy !  And I thought these last few months were long!  Ryeowook’s liked me for years!  Years!  And he’s never even hinted at it until recently.  Or…has he…

            “For so long, he figured you only thought of him as a friend and he wanted to do nothing to upset that.  He would have rather kept you as his closest friend than not have you in his life at all.  But he has always loved you and even when he figured there was no hope for him, he just couldn’t stop how he felt about you.  So, recently, as you’ve begun to kind of flirt back with him, he’s been both excited and anxious about it…not knowing what to do.”

            Everything was starting to make sense.  Ryeowook was cautious because, for so many years, he’d had to suppress his feelings for me and pretend that all he felt was a strong friendship.  With the recent change in my feelings for him, he was unsure of how to act.  He wasn’t sure if I really felt the same or not and he didn’t want to ruin the friendship we had, he didn’t want to take risks, even if what we could have together might be better.  Apparently, he eventually caved or he wouldn’t have kissed me. 

            “Kyuhyunnie…”

            I looked over at Sungmin.

            Sungmin pressed his lips together a moment, reflecting on his thoughts before he spoke.  “Ryeowook’s loved you for so long now…please don’t play around with his heart.  He deserves better than that.”

            “I would never do that to him, hyung.”

            Sungmin smiled to himself and kept cooking.  “Breakfast will be ready in fifteen minutes.”

            I nodded and exited the room.  I walked down the hall to my shared room with Sungmin and quickly grabbed my bag from the closet, setting it on the bed.  Then I began to gather up clothes for the trip.  All the while, as I was trying to remember what to put in the bag, my mind kept replaying the kiss from last night in my head.  Finally, I pulled out my cellphone and text Ryeowook.

            We need to talk.

            We’d been needing to talk for a very, very long time, as it turned out.  Much longer than even I’d been aware of. 

In Ruins

            We need to talk.

            I felt my stomach hit the floor and had to fight off a wave of nausea.  I’d been wondering what Kyuhyun was thinking all morning—wondering if Kyuhyun was going to avoid me or confront me about the kiss—and now I had my answer. 

            Clearly Kyuhyun didn’t feel the same way about me.  Right?  Because he never kissed me back last night and he didn’t stop me from leaving.  Was he more shocked by the kiss or disgusted by it though?  It wasn’t as if we’d never kissed before.  We had just never kissed under those circumstances.  Kyuhyun didn’t act disgusted when he kissed me awake.  And he didn’t seem repulsed when we were kissing while acting together.  So, why was Kyuhyun so hesitant last night?  Was Kyuhyun just so unattracted to me that the kiss did nothing for him?  Or had he just never thought about me like that before?  Maybe he just needed time to think about it.

            All I knew was I couldn’t pull out my hair because Kyuhyun would never be attracted to me then, but I was sorely tempted to.  I was so frustrated, I hadn’t slept a wink.

            Donghae shuffled into the kitchen, yawning and looking around as I loudly banged pots and pans together in the sink, admittedly with little regard to who might still be sleeping. 

            “Good morning?” he questioned, not daring to take more than two steps into the kitchen.

            “Morning, Hae.  Breakfast is ready,” I informed him, waving my hand at the table.

            Donghae nodded and walked over to the coffee machine to pour himself some coffee first.  “Aren’t you going to eat as well?”

            “I’m not hungry.”  I was just as nervous as I was pissed off, which made for a bad combination.  And now that I’d heard from Kyuhyun, I felt a little like throwing up.

            “Are you sick?”

            “No.”

            “Did you eat late last night?”

            “No,” I said, throwing more things into the sink aggressively.

            “Are you pissed off at Kyu?” Leeteuk asked, walking into the kitchen.

            “Morning, hyung,” Donghae greeted, nodding.

            “Good morning,” Leeteuk replied, smiling back as he walked over to the table and sat down.

            “How did you know?” I asked, biting my lip.

            “Well, you hung out with Kyuhyun all day yesterday and you’re up early this morning destroying the kitchen and otherwise throwing a tantrum no one can sleep through,” Leeteuk pointed out, looking around the kitchen.  “Breakfast smells delicious though.”

            “Sorry, hyung,” I said, hanging my head.  I knew I shouldn’t have gotten so upset.  I just couldn’t help it and I have limited ways of venting my frustrations about Kyuhyun.  “I’m just a little upset about something this morning”

            “What did Kyu do?” Leeteuk asked, filling up his plate as Donghae joined him at the table.

            “Hyung, I’d really rather not talk about it.”  At this point, I was really starting to miss Heechul.  If anyone would have known how to interpret Kyuhyun’s stupid behavior, it would have been him.  At best, I would chat with Sungmin later when I could get him alone, but that’s the only member I trusted to talk about Kyuhyun with.

            Leeteuk sighed and then began to fill his plate.  “Fine.  I’ll just get Eunhyuk to tell me what’s going on later.”

            I rolled my eyes and started doing the dishes.  I had no doubt that all the members talked about what was or wasn’t going on between us behind our backs, but I’d rather not hear them admit to it.  I finished dishes and then went to my room to pack for our trip to Jakarta.  I was just thankful that Kyuhyun wouldn’t be joining us right away.  Assuming I could make it to the van without him coming upstairs to see me, I wouldn’t have to talk to him until tomorrow.  And perhaps it would be a little less heartbreaking, since the other members would be around to comfort me and I’d be busy with the concerts.  If there was any positive point to the whole deal, I assumed that was it. 

            I headed to my room and began getting ready.  I tried so hard not to think of Kyuhyun, but failed miserably.  I found myself tearing up and never even managed to shower in time before we left for the airport.  I hadn’t even shaved, which isn’t a good idea for me.  I get an obvious shadow on my face if I don’t shave every damn day.  I had to put on a thick layer of makeup to hide it, but I still looked rough.  I looked like I hadn’t slept all night…and I hate being seen by fans like that.  They always take pictures.

            My phone went off again as I was dragging my bags to the door.  I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked at the screen.  It was another text from Kyuhyun.  Quit ignoring me.  I don’t want to wait to talk to you until tomorrow.

            Donghae was putting his shoes on at the door and I grasped him by the shoulders.  “I need you to do me a favor!”

            “Of course,” he readily agreed, looking a little worried at my desperation.

            “If we run into Kyuhyun before we leave, don’t leave me alone with him.  And I need to room with you tonight.”

            “I promised Eunhyuk I’d room with him,” Donghae said.

            “I’ll explain the change to Hyuk and I’m sure he’ll understand.  But please, please don’t leave me alone with Kyu if he comes to the dorm or down to the ramp while we’re packing up to leave.”

            Donghae nodded.  “Sure.”

            “Thank you.”

            With that assurance, I took a big sigh of relief.  My heart was already in ruins.  I didn’t need Kyuhyun making it any worse today by telling me that he wasn’t interested—that he would never be interested in me as anything more than a friend—and d